I have the best boss in the world or at least in my opinion!!!!!!!!

I think that I might have the best boss ever and let me tell you why. I finally got up the nerve to call about a job that I had seen for months and possibly even years in the newspaper when I got fed up with Venture Data's crap and being treated like a drone and like I don't even matter at all. Well, I did and I got a job selling Cutco the best part being that it's all no pressure I get paid just to come over and do a one hour demo if someone buys something cool but if not it's okay they don't have to. I started training and started to love what I'm going to do. Then I ran into a problem I got really sick and had a dilemma before me do I show up and train knowing my concentration wasn't the best or do I risk my job and be sick. I decided in light of the fact that I would be using sharp knives that one time had put my manager into the ER for a day that I would stay home. I called bracing for the worst okay I was thinking bye bye job it was good while it lasted but nope my manager was kind about it and told me to just get better and call when I had and he told me to take my time. I did 4 days later I was over being sick with the flu nasty bug anyway so I called back and he scheduled me again to catch up. Problem arose, the weather I waited outside in 9 degree weather for over an hour for a bus that for some reason never came. Finally hurting all over from being frozen I was in a skirt mind you I went inside and called. I explained what had happened and the first thing they asked me was not when can you come in and work but was I okay. I told them I was and apologized but they again told me I had done all I could do I couldn't control the weather. Then he yelled at me for endangering myself and told me that he appreciated my trying to get there but it was not worth endangering myself to go train. Then I was supposed to go the next day and yea 3 feet of snow came and the buses out here were not running so I called again and left a couple of messages and again no problems. Then we had Christmas and more snow so I am thinking and worrying crap I lost my job. Well, today I called to check in and guess what my manager is the best not only have I not lost my job and I am scheduled to finish the last bit of my training by the end of this week but he is happy that I am okay and that we are dug out for the most part and that buses out here are at least running. I am so grateful now for a boss who actually cares because all the bosses at Venture didn't and I had a hard time respecting them. I am not trying to get away with anything I was really sick and I can't control what the weather does and I'm glad that he knows that and that he showed respect for me in not forcing me to choose being being sick or risking life and limb to be at work no matter what. I can work my butt off for a manager like that because even in the short time I have talked to him and gotten to know him I respect him and his leadership and how I'm actually a human not a drone. I wish more employers actually cared about their employees I think more people would actually be loyal to their jobs and work harder. I know I'm going to because I want to show him that I appreciate that he worked with me and that he let me keep my job.

Christmas Miracle Come Early

Today was my grandma's annual Christmas brunch the same brunch she has had every year and with the same menu and Christmas decorations since long before I was born. As I've gotten older I have realized how warm and comforting Grandma's house is and maybe that's because nothing changes it's familiar and I have tons of memories of that house and things we have done there and family times shared. The miracle is this first off my family has been splintered apart by bickering and fighting and we came together and enjoyed each other. The second miracle is this my brother and Amber not only joined us but they freely gave hugs and handshakes and my brother willingingly helped with the dishes along side me. They are having a baby boy in late February or early March and they were telling us about that I am excited and happy for them. They will only tell us his first name will start with a G and that his middle name will be Wayne and his last name will be Christensen. That made my heart leap that Geoff is continuing that name tradition with his son just as my grandpa and dad had done. Our family has a lot of work ahead of us before we are fully unified but today was a good step in that direction and I feel that at least for Christmas our family is at peace. We also glued together to get Grandma and Grandpa a night out at Black Angus and two movie tickets. Grandma was so elated as Grandpa doesn't like to get out much and Grandpa kinda grumbled about the money we all spent but Grandma and I told him that we all chipped in equally together to get them a nice gift. Sigh!! He'll get over being grumpy Grandma said so all in all it was a good day.

Literally Stranded

All this snow has been real fun out here NOT!! Yesterday thank goodness though I had the sense to look outside and once I noticed that the sidewalks were impassable I made the call into work where I was supposed to finish my training so I can go out and sell Cutco knives and let them know I was snowed in. It wasn't more than an hour later when I learned that even if I had managed to get out my front door and cross Highway 2 to get to Yokes which by the way would not have been an easy task it wouldn't have done me any good bus service out here has been suspended until further notice. Thankfully I wasn't like some of the idiots Damian saw out there waiting for a bus because like them I would have been waiting a good long time. So I called work again and let them know that bus service has been suspended out here until further notice and I don't know when it will be operational again. I didn't get a call back which was unusual so my bet is that they had closed their office as well. So I'm standed for awhile but that's okay we have a warm cozy house, plenty of food and thanks to my brave husband who did so much yesterday to help us and his folks and aunt and some neighbors shovel out plenty of milk because to repay him his dad took him to Wal-Mart in dad's truck and I had Damian get 3 gallons of milk. That sounds like overkill maybe but I don't know how long this crap will last and I was surprised yesterday how much food prep requires you to have milk so I figured between that and drinking it that will be enough until we can get dug out. We were supposed to go to my Grandma's on Saturday and like I told her yesterday we would try but I can't control what Spokane Transit decides to do they have suspended bus service out here because most areas of Spokane have recieved up to about 3 feet depending on where you are in Spokane of snow within 24 hours and they have deemed it unsafe for most buses to travel and that has hardly ever happened as long as I have been alive. Hopefully we all get dug out soon.

My Inlaw's tend to drive me bonkers

This is one of those posts sorry guys but I have to get this off my chest before I explode. Damian's folks drive me up the wall. Sometimes they have their nice moments like how they have taken me to Walmart to get a few things I do appreciate that but most of the time I want to run screaming. For example they have been after me to get a better job so I did and now they are whining about that and whining about how it's sales yada yada yada. I'm sorry where I work and who I work for is not their concern as long as I'm employed. We also worked out our differences with our landlord so we can stay where we are and again you think they would be happy that we don't have to move out of their ward NOPE they started complaining about how we are still going to be living in a trailer stupid since they own one just down the road. Damian also is now working for him for pay doing maintaince and they are whining about that even though they were after him to get a job. It is like they are never happy and it is beginning to drive me nuts. It's enough for me to just pack up and run away but I have other family and friends here so I won't. GRRRRRRR!!!!!! I try to ignore them but what really gets me is how they work for just above minimum wage themselves and own a trailer and it's like they try and discourage their son from bettering himself every time he talks about wanting to get a college education they not only discourage him but they break him down so he gives up that is what really pisses me off. Damian can be a lot of things he is smart and it really irks me when his own parents don't encourage him to do better in life.

Surviving Artic Temps

Brrrrrrr it is freezing here in Spokane yesterday it got up to a balmy 9 degrees here in Airway Heights and it is going to be cold for quite a few more days. I don't mind the several inches of snow outside but I can do without the bitter cold. It makes me just want to curl up and hibernate but I have to get up and get moving. I am thankful I got the last piece of plastic up on our windows just in time we have really felt comfortable in here and haven't had to crank up the heat too much I couldn't imagine how much we would have to turn the heat up if all of our windows were not covered. I offer as evidence that we would not be too comfortable without the plastic the fact that one night part of the plastic on one window was torn and that window and that window only managed to freeze solid. None of the other windows have so I am thinking that if we didn't have the plastic up all the windows would have frozen solid and we would have been pretty darn uncomfortable. We are also celebrating a simple Christmas this year but in light of the current temps I'm not whining anymore to me it's enough to just have warmth and a warm place to live and plenty to eat. It's amazing how fast I get some gratitude when the temperatures drop.

7 Random Things about me

Okay Stephani you inspired me to list seven random things about me so here goes

1) I don't really like watching movies all that much I'm picky about which movies I like and even if I do like the movie most I watch only once it is a select few that I will watch over and over again. By the way I'm the same way with books most books I read even if I like the book I will read only once it's a select few books that I will read over and over.

2) I am a fan of game shows but I really like older ones that can be seen on Game Show Network....my current favorites include Card Sharks, Match Game and Chain Reaction

3) I'm also a fan of quirky shows on BBC America such as Cash in the Attic and Bargain Hunt

4) I like watching ghost hunting shows and shows about haunted places but yet I don't like horror movies go figure maybe it's the gore that is in horror movies now a days yea that must be it I have never been a fan of blood and guts.

5) I love history it doesn't matter what it's a history of, American, European you name it I love it. I also love watching documentaries but my favorite subjects are about Ancient Rome, Ancient Greece or Ancient Egypt.

6) I don't like cream of wheat at all but yet I can stomach oatmeal so long as it is apple cinnamon oatmeal and only apple cinnamon any other kind makes me want to get sick

7) I really hate Top Ramen that stuff makes me want to get sick I won't eat it even if I am about to starve I would rather starve first.

Striving to remember why Christmas is celebrated

This year more than most I am really struggling to try and remember why Christmas is celebrated. I have the gifts bought and waiting until they can be wrapped I have Christmas card to fill out you know the usual but this year I feel empty inside although I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I am forgetting a crucial element remembering Christ and that he's the reason we celebrate in the first place. I feel a little bit better once I attended a Relief Society Christmas program in my grandma's ward it was really well done and it helped remind me of what is really important. I feel more centered now and less chaotic and hectic Christmas isn't about the gifts that are given or the cards that are made or even about the goodies eaten although all this is nice it is about celebrating the life of Jesus Christ and about being with our loved ones and loving each other. I think as I struggle to make new Christmas traditions and remember some of the old that I will try and find ways to remember this and make it all a part of my future celebrations. Have a Merry Christmas everyone.

It's beginning to feel like Christmas

Yes yes I know Christmas isn't for another several days but to me every year once I get all set to go the Nutcracker then to me that signals Christmas and the Christmas season. It's a tradition that my grandma Christensen started when I was in the third grade and every year with very few exceptions we have gone together along with a few other members of my family. We used to take grandpa and my brother and pretty much everyone but for the last several years it's been my grandma, myself, my sister and if she can make it my sister in law, Amber. Amber can't make it this year since she and my brother are moving that day into their first house but they will be missed. I'm hoping that this year will be just as fun as all the years before. I have seen the Nutcracker so many times I have it memorized but every time I go I still am mesmerized by the beauty of the sets and the dancers and I enjoy myself so much. I'm so excited I get to go this year and I look forward to these girl times with my grandma and sister and hopefully if not this year but next little Lexus will get to join us and get introduced to this wonderful Christmastime tradition that we have.

Thanksgiving Festivites

Today was Thanksgiving and Damian and I had a good one. We went to my mom's where Gwynne and James made us all a wonderful turkey dinner with all the fixings. We sat down together and were able to be together and have a good time and that is what matters the most to me. After dinner and a little play with Lexus she is getting to be too darn cute for her own good. James, Gwynne, Damian and I settled down at the dining room table to play a new version of electronic monopoly and it was a lot of fun we finally decided to call the game though because it was taking forever, it was fun though. Then our brother called they had been invited to be elsewhere but he wanted to check in with us. Also we decided that since money is tight all around for everyone that we decided to draw names for us six siblings including spouses and we all would buy for mom and our nieces and nephews present and future we decided we would do that every year. That works for me honestly....for me Christmas isn't about the gifts it is about being with the ones you love. I also feel it's more important for the kids to have a Christmas I would feel extremely guilty to know that I had robbed my nieces and nephews of a Christmas just so their parents could get me a gift. We also set a budget so that way we don't go crazy. I like the new arrangement we do something similar on Damian's side with his siblings and it works out well. I'm also excited that now that Thanksgiving is over I am able to start listening to Christmas music. This year by also simplying the gifts that are given Damian and I are wanting to start focusing more on why we really celebrate Christmas it's too easy to get caught up with the glitter and glitz and gifts but it's so much more than that. Happy Thanksgiving all!!

Already Warmer in my house

I put up plastic finally over all the windows in my house and it's already feeling warmer in here not only that but our heating system is a central heating system meaning that once the thermostat is set the heat kicks itself on and off based on the set temperature and we haven't heard the heating system kick itself on as much so that tells us that heat is being kept inside. I'm happy that so far I have been able to turn the thermostat down and still keep it warm in here I used to have to crank my thermostat to nearly 80 to get some kind of warmth but now I can keep it at around 70 during the day and at night since we are sleeping and we don't need the extra heat we turn it down to about 65. I'm glad the plastic is seeming to work I haven't gotten an updated bill yet but I think that I will see some kinds of savings this winter based on the fact that I don't have to crank the heat up. Here's to hoping.

Finalizing Thankgsgiving plans and other things

Damian and I are heading out to my mom's for Thanksgiving and last night my sister called me to confirm everything down to heading out to our house on Wed morning to pick up the ingredients for stuffing and the potatoes. I love my sister I really do she is a sweet heart and I know she has a lot on her plate right now but she really needs to get a personal calendar or planner or something because she called to go over details with me that we have already gone over countless times even down to all the ingredients I bought. I love her though!! I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving although I'm not crazy about turkey I like the idea of being with family and about thinking about what we have been blessed with and what we have been given to be thankful for. I am also excited to see Lexus again any chance I can get to see her is awesome. I love that little one very much especially now as she is old enough to hug me back and interact with me she is definitely getting to be so much more fun. I also have decided that part of Thanksgiving for me and also as part of an early New Year's resolution I will try my best to let by gones be by gones and just let things go when stuff is said and done. I'm better at doing that than I used to be but I still have a ways to go on that. I will start by letting comments go that were said by one of Damian's ham buddies I will let that go knowing that he doesn't know the whole situation behind Damian's mood swings etc so it's not worth getting flustered about. Fingers crossed as we get closer to Thanksgiving and the holidays for better things to come.

Focusing on what I have been given

I know Thanksgiving isn't for a little while yet but I have been starting to think about and focus on the gifts in my life instead of on what I lack. I have been given much when I really start to think about it. Here is but a short list of the many things I have to be grateful for every day:
-My husband we have had our ups and downs and we have lived through for better or worse but at the end of the day I am so grateful he is in my life I love him more every day that goes by.
-A warm place to live although it is falling apart it is a roof over my head to keep me dry and safe and warm
-Plenty of food to eat
-The knowledge I have of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ this has given me more hope and strength than I could have imagined
-Dear true friends the kind who become like family I love you all so very much
-My family as a whole I love you all
-My niece, Lexus her sweet sun shiny personality warms me to the very core and I am grateful I get to have her in my life to love and adore especially since she has learned to give hugs and kisses...there is nothing better than the sounds of a child's laughter and to be kissed and hugged by them
-I'm thankful for our two wonderful loving cats, cloud and nermal and how much happiness they give us
-I'm thankful for this country that we live in and for the men and women who fight hard and sacrifice everything for it's freedom and the right we all have to enjoy this land.
-I'm thankful for simple pleasures such as warm cozy blankets and hot cocoa
but I think that most of all I am thankful that I have been given challenges in my life I never thought I would ever say that but I see how every obstacle in my way helped me grow and change and become better as a person. I can see how Heavenly Father uses them to mold me into a better person and as a result I see the personal growth I have a long way left to go but I'm on my way thanks to hard times in my life where I thought that I would snap in half but somehow I got through it and in the process got just a little bit stronger.

I think I see where I need to go now and what I need to do

I have been struggling a long time with a lot of issues with the Lord especially because after over 8 long years of being married I still have not been blessed with biological children. I used to mourn that fact and murmer and complain but all that got me nowhere and in fact made my life worse because I was miserable. Now though I have learned a lot more about how the Lord works and am learning how to trust him so much more no matter where he leads me. I have been learning to take his hand and just follow without uttering a sound until I see for myself that where he led me is so much better than where I had originally planned on going. It's the same way with children I have lately been doing more praying and soul searching and I have started to realize that I have been barking up the wrong tree, I have a pretty strong feeling now that I was designed to be a mother however the children will not be my own right now. Damian and I when we can move to a safer apartment and when we can get his bipolar under control feel strongly that we need to foster children and that although it may take some time that is how our children or at least our first child will come into our lives and our family. I don't know about any other children if I will be blessed with a biological child or if we are to adopt more or even if we are supposed to have only one I don't know that much yet but I do feel strongly in my heart and throughout my whole being that adoption is what we need to do so we are preparing ourselves in every way possible for that to happen. I'm open to that I'm open to giving my love to a child and loving them completely...I may not be their biological mother but I would be their mother in every way that matters in my heart. I love the movie Tarzan because even though Tarzan was human to his ape mother the one who loved him and raised him he was her son I feel the same way about adoption. I also love the song made for that movie by Phil Collins "You'll be in my Heart" that song sums up how I feel about adoption and any child that I will be blessed to recieve into my life one way or another.

Two Faced People Round Two

I can't believe that I need to post this again this is really starting to get on my nerves. I want to clarify some things with some people in my life, I was known growing up and in High School as a good friend to a lot of people and I'm proud of that I love my friends very much and I had all kinds from all walks of life.Many of them also gave me so much love and support it knocked my socks off and to those wonderful loving people who did more for me than you can ever know I am not talking about you, also to the wonderful friends I have found later on in my life I'm not talking about you either. What I am talking about is a select few I have given love too and unconditional support and hours of my time on an ongoing basis and then what I get in return is drama and more drama, confidences I shared are broken and then when I need something you disapppear not talking to me for some unknown reason but then miraculously you show up again when your life bottoms out and I am needed again all without accknowledging that hurt was caused and at least trying to talk about it and make the problem right. I do not want to be accused to not forgiving because that would be wrong I have forgiven I have no ill will toward anyone however that does not mean that I must remain a door mat for anyone to walk on. I have a loving and giving nature I have been given that and I like to use it to love and care for my friends I will give you anything that is in my power to give including my time, my love and support, etc however I can't just keep blindly giving. I used to think that I could but over a long period of time I became emotionally bankrupt and I had a nervous breakdown and needed to get some counseling which I did and a miracle happened I learned that I can say no and have boundaries and that a good and real true friend would respect that I had to tell them no once in a while and that they would respect my boundaries and not cross them. So that is what I have done and for the most part it works well I give and love and help as I can but sometimes on occassion if it means that it would completely tap my resources I have to say no and my friends understand. I am not being selfish or mean spirited I am respecting myself and I am asking to be respected in return. The problem lies with some people in my life who want to walk all over me, take confidences that I tell them and gossip about it like we are still in high school and worse than that have no remorse for how I am treated at all but then accuse me of being heartless when I am not there for them. I am not heartless at all I feel for your situation but at the same time I am a human being with worth too and I need to be treated with equal respect. Being a friend does not mean walking on another person or telling them what to do like they are a child and it doesn't mean that you blab everything they tell you to everyone else. I am not perfect in any of this as well but I am trying especially to not gossip because I have seen first hand what it does to people and how much it hurts them. Think twice before you tell me that I am heartless and cruel about how maybe there is a reason why I am telling you no and it just might be because I am tired of being told what to do, I'm tired of giving and giving and giving to you and getting nothing back at all including some respect, I'm tired of not being able to trust you, I'm tired of gossiping about my famiy and friends and I'm tired of walking on eggshells all the time so you don't get mad at me for some retarded reason and decide to just stop talking to me instead of being an adult and talking it out. I have a newsflash for those people conflicts among friends happen from time to time it is inevitable even among the best of friends but real friends work it out and talk it out they just don't give their friend the cold shoulder and then decide when it is convenient to start talking to them again and just pick up the friendship where it left off I'm sorry but it doesn't work that way. I am not harbering any ill will toward anyone but enough is enough too I have to also love and take care of myself once in awhile because if I don't I will not have the energy that I need to be a wife to my husband, a daughter or a sister or even a friend to anyone. I have to sometimes first and foremost take care of myself and if according to some people I am being selfish when I do then fine I am being selfish.

Random Things

I just realized that I haven't posted in awhile which is rare for me actually I love blogging. I was going to stop blogging about Damian's bipolar but I was informed that I was kinda helping someone who reads my blog deal with her similar situation so sorry more blogging about that topic there will be. Damian has been calming down a lot so it's been easier for me to deal with, he still has episodes and he still has severe moods but over all luckily for us both he has been able to cope with them a little better. Good thing since we finally found a dr. that will accept his medical coupons however they don't have an opening until January so we are on the waiting list and we have no choice but to wait and wait and wait some more. Meanwhile he is learning how to deal with his illness and learning to cope which will be helpful when his treatment starts since meds alone will not help him get well he will have to help himself too. Cloud, his black cat is his lifeline he literally sometimes is the only reason he gets out of bed when his depression gets really bad Cloud gets him out of bed because he needs to be fed and cared for and once Damian gets up he's fine and is able to deal with the rest of the day. I'm happy too that sometimes Damian's mind clears up a little and we are able to really have a conversation and really interact as a couple I miss him when his mind gets to where although he is in the same room as me it feels like he is a million miles away, it's a very lonely feeling. I'm proud of him too how he has been able to really focus lately and help me strategize some things like how we are going to get out of here when our lease is up and where in town we should start apartment hunting. I'm proud of him because that task used to rest squarely on my shoulders but now we are both carrying that burden and that makes me happy that he is reaching a point where he can somewhat function if he can do this well without any medication it gives me hope that once he is one his medications that he should be able to function really really well.

Can't Keep My Silence Any Longer

I have different political views than many members of my family I do not vote a straight ticket for either party I do my research I look at the candidates as people not as part of a political party. This does not make me a communist or an evil person I personally feel it makes me an informed voter someone who is not blinded by the party. I am angry right now at some things said by some people I know this is a free country and all but why is it that when I would criticize Bush because I'm sorry there were many things he has done that myself and many other American's did not approve of that is why he will be leaving office with an extremely low approval rating but that is not okay but yet America voted last night and by an overwhelming majority we as the American public made history and voted for our first black President President Elect Obama and already criticisms are being made and he hasn't even been given a chance yet. You know that is really sad to me because have we really reached a point even when our country is in severe crisis that we can still be so petty as to not rally behind our chosen leader and at least give the man a chance. I personally feel and I would have felt the same way had McCain been the one elected that now is the time for this country to unify itself and try and make things better for all of us and not be caught up in petty party arguements about which people are better Republicans or Democrats who cares honestly aren't we all Americans don't we all put our pants on one leg at a time. Also obviously Obama is patriotic because isn't he following the American dream don't most people dream to be President give him a chance to see what kind of leader he will be before judgements are made.

I Believe in Miracles

I can now say that I definitely believe in miracles...I have believed before but I do now after what happened last night. Months ago I accidently said something to one of my sister in law's that really hurt her and she hung up on me...I had not meant to hurt her by what I had said but I did deeply and we hadn't spoken in a long long time. Well I recently found out that she is 6 months pregnant with a little boy and I knew that enough time had passed I needed to try and make an attempt to make things right with her I didn't know how she would react but I swallowed my pride said a little prayer took a deep breathe and called her. We made things right and had a nice chat so hopefully we are okay again and I can see them I miss her and my brother very much. I did learn though that sometimes even when someone says they are okay that when they have experienced heart ache or pain that you still need to be sensitive to them and their feelings and try to place yourself in their shoes. I keep praying that we can keep a relationship going I don't like it when I am at odds with anyone in my family....it makes me sad. I am also hoping they will allow me to get to know my nephew just as well as I have been able to get to know Lexus. I do not play favorites I have enough room in my heart for all of my nieces and nephews both those I have now and those I may have in the future. That's the best part about the human heart it can stretch and grow and can include everyone if someone will only let it.

Lexus at the Pumpkin Patch

Yesterday we went with my mom, grandma, Gwynne, James and Lexus to Greenbluff so Lexus could "pick" her pumpkin out it was a lot of fun so I wanted to share some pictures we took of her experience they also had a large blown up slide as well that Lexus went down with her mom who is my sister, Gwynne.This a picture of the big pumpkin patch we were in yesterday. Lexus is the one hunched over in the pink pants and hoodie, Gwynne is the one in blue with the stylish diaper bag and James Lexus' dad is the one in the green backwards baseball cap and the person holding onto the pumpkin wagon is me.
A close up shot of Lexus getting to touch a pumpkin and my sister holding it for her. They decided not to get this pumpkin because it didn't have a stem.
This is the pumpkin that they finally decided to get for Lexus it is the perfect size and has a stem to be used as a handle later. Lexus looks so happy to have her pumpkin in this picture it's also a nice close up of her dad, James holding her.
This is a cute picture of Lexus back in her stroller, she wasn't too impressed with the dirt and was more than ready to get back into her stroller I tried to catch a face shot but she wouldn't look at me no matter what I did.
I finally was able to snap a picture of her face she is looking at her grandma, my mom she really loves her grandma.
This is a really good picture one of my favorites out of the bunch, Lexus with her great grandma K who came over from Seattle for the weekend.This is the huge slide that Gwynne slid down with Lexus. I wanted to take a picture of just the slide to show you how big it was.Gwynne with Lexus ready to slide on down...originally the plan was for Lexus to slide down by herself but because she is only 18 months old they wouldn't allow it unless either Gwynne or James were with her...so they both took a turn with her but I only felt like taking a picture of Lexus with her mom.
We saw this tree stump with a hole in it so near a food court area that was set up so we figured it was a nice backdrop for a family photo. Lexus is wearing a new fleece winter hat that James found and got for her for the winter. She loved it and didn't want to take it off.

Excited to see my niece for first time since August

I know I'm going to sound like the biggest nerd but get used to it I don't care, I love my niece, Lexus and I'm not ashamed to admit it. It all started out with my talking to my sister for a little bit last night then my mom I just wanted to see how her week had been and let her know I was thinking of her. Then it snowballed to my finding out my grandma that lives in Seattle was coming for the weekend and Damian and I getting to go to Greenbluff with them all so Lexus can play in a pumpkin patch for awhile and also to us being able to have Sunday dinner with them all which we haven't been able to do in awhile. I'm excited for a couple of reasons first and foremost I haven't seen my cutie patotie niece since late August just as she was starting to really learn how to walk and now she is walking all over the place and to be honest I really miss her. I hear word that she misses me too so that's sweet, I love how she smiles when she sees me and how she waves at me and blows me kisses she definitely will break some hearts one day that is for darn sure. Also I am excited because my grandma is coming for the weekend and she is a really neat lady both my grandma's are awesome people. So I think this weekend will be a good one. My sister also told me Lexus is going to be a dog this year for Halloween she already tried on her costume complete with floppy little ears and a little face makeup under her eye to look like a spot how cute. My sister promised me some pictures so I hope she delivers I gotta see that. That costume will be perfect for her as Lexus loves dogs she should she lives with two of them so she has been used to them for her whole life so far. I love being an auntie especially since my sister really cooperates with us and makes sure we can see her as often as possible she understands life gets busy and hectic but she is great about making sure we get to see her as often as we can. She doesn't use her as a pawn or a manipulation tool so that's nice and she doesn't mind that Lexus is forming a bond with me and with Damian as well. I love Lexus dearly but would never try and replace myself with her mother I just want to be in her life to love her and care about her. I'm glad my sister knows that and doesn't feel threatened so all in all I have a lot of joy in my heart being able to be Lexus' auntie. Now if only Damian's sister Heather would feel the same way and let us see her son, our nephew who is over 2 years old now and all we have seen of him is pictures but that's another story SIGH!! I keep praying because it will take a literal miracle but miracles do happen on occasion.

Getting ready for winter

It's still fall but temperature wise it's getting colder so we are starting winterization at our house since we have had to now turn on the heat and I have discovered mainly since our recliner is right by a window that any time there is a breeze I can feel it come in through the window although the window is closed. So thankfully a good friend of mine gave me some plastic left over years ago from a prior apartment of hers and with some effort on our part and a little duct tape we now are starting to get windows covered. Actually it is already making a small difference already we have just one full window done but already it is feeling warmer and instead of needing to crank up the thermostat to 75 degrees to keep from freezing I can now turn it down to 70 and it still feels warm. Our other projects before snow flies are to finish covering the windows in plastic as well as getting some weather stripping for our front door as there isn't any around that door at all. We are hoping that by spending some money to do all this that we can avoid another winter of paying 200 dollars a month in heating costs. I'm being optimistic perhaps but we are hoping that all the efforts we are making now will cut our bill by at least 25 to 50 percent which will make a huge difference.

It's All A Matter of Faith

Today was church and of course now that Damian and I are over our whole passing around the flu back and forth we went. It was hard I admit to get up so early and go but going was just what we needed at that moment. Sitting next to him hand in hand or having his arm around me was wonderful as we both listened to the speaker in sacrament meeting. There seemed to be a whole theme based on what I needed at that moment in my life. It's pretty cool how Heavenly Father works that way. They sang one of my favorite hymns "The Lord Is My Light" and lately because of everything I have been going through it seemed to have more meaning and I did get teary. Damian being touched by the spirit himself was of course more tender and loving and was worried but he understood, his wife gets very emotional I am an emotional being so he didn't make a big deal of it just held the hymn book while I got my ever constant companion of kleenex. Then in Sunday school we were talking about The Book of Mormon and the Gidiantion robbers. I know I didn't spell that right but that's not the point, I have read the Book of Mormon a dozen or more times and studied it in seminary but today Sis. Harsberger as she gave her lesson did such an amazing job of breaking it down to how it is relevant to us today. She made the comparison to how these robbers compare to Satan and his devils and how they will try and keep us from doing the right things and how to combat them and fight them off. It was a new way of looking at it that really got me thinking so that's a good thing. Sis. Harsberger sure does a good job with her lessons. Then to finish off the theme for me today was Relief Society where we were talking about some of the persecutions Joseph Smith has gone through and how he could bear them and have faith that things would be better and have joy despite all that happened to him and his family. I tend to be a murmerer I tend to whine I tend to complain but then someone said something that was really interesting to me. She said that sometimes Heavenly Father stretches us sometimes to the point where we think we will break in half because he sees the whole picture and he sees what we can become and he wants us to get there. I have been thinking about that a lot I have been stretched quite a bit throughout my life but also just in the last couple of years and no it wasn't pleasant and sometimes I felt like I was asked to take on more than I could carry or that I was being stretched to where I would break in half. However, looking back I see that I survived but that I also learned a lot that I needed to learn. I learned to stop complaining and to start trusting no matter what I was asked to do even if I want something else. I have learned to stop acting like a whiny two year old when I am asked by the Lord to do something kicking my fists and heels and whining about how I don't wanna and instead doing it even if I don't yet see the rhyme or reason. I also have learned to be more patient and loving and tender I have learned to serve and love more and turn to my Father in Heaven more. I have learned that what I thought I wanted was replaced by what I really needed and everything was so much better than I could have come up with on my own. I have learned to increase my faith and to just let go and trust after doing my best. I have learned that I don't need to know everything just enough to get me to the next step and I have learned to completely stop whining and murmering and have joy in all things even when it's hard to have some...I have learned gratitude for what I do have instead of what I lack.

Feeling like a grown up again

This post is going to sound silly but I'm so excited that I just had to share. I have a bank account again both a savings and a checking and I got my checks and debit card today. I was so excited because now I feel like a grown up again. What's the big deal well let me explain a few years ago I was an idiot and messed up my banking accounts so I was unable to open another checking account until now. It was a real pain to cash pay checks and every where I went to cash it I had to pay a fee to do it so I never was able to get my whole pay check. Then trying to pay bills and keep track of cash were not easy tasks either. So now I'm excited because I have a way to pay my bills via a check or debit card where both transactions can be easily traced nice in case of a discrepency and also I have a safe place to deposit my pay and also a safe place to save money so I am not tempted to spend it. I can put it in there write it down in my register for my savings account and then conveniently forget that it's in there that is until I need it.

A weight has been lifted

I know I haven't posted in a few days I have been lost in my thoughts and sometimes in my anxiety. Thankfully though I can honestly say I have found a natural way to relax and just not freak out all the time....it's simple really. My cat Nermal is the answer she literally climbs up on my chest and lays down and purrs. I don't know what it is about that little purr but it is enough to calm me down. It's funny too since my chest is where my anxiety attacks start. My chest tightens and my heart pounds and then my whole body begins to tense up and then sometimes if it gets bad enough I hyperventilate until I can snap out of it. Somehow this little gray kitten knows when I need her and she is right there before the panic attack starts she has even taken a liking to sleeping right near my chest every night just in case. I haven't had an attack in a little while and it feels pretty nice although if I do have a bad one again I will get medical care I promise but right now seeing as I have no medical insurance and finding a clinic that will take you and your medical problems seriously is no easy task I can handle a free solution. Also in the back of my mind I have been hanging on to some lingering regrets and past doubts about some decisions I chose to make back when I was a senior in high school. Well, call me crazy if you want but I had a dream last night where I had gone back to that time and to the situations where I had dated these two particular guys again. Part of me had felt guilty for the breakups even though I know logically it takes two people to split up. Well, over the course of this dream as things played out where we broke up and life became as I know it now I woke up and realized that I was not responsible for one of the guys being a controlling guy who preys on women nor was I responsible for how the other guy's life turned out. The only thing I was guilty of was ensuring my future happiness which I wouldn't have had with either of them. I was in danger with one of them and had to leave that situation and with the other I wanted marriage and children well he didn't, he kept telling me that and to this day he is happy or says he is with not being tied down. I see now that if I had kept dating him over a long period of time we would have had the same result as we wanted two completely different things or if we had stayed together one of us would have eventually resented the other. So this morning I was able to breathe deeply as one more "skeleton" came out of my closet of the past and I am able to continue my slow path to healing. I do feel like another weight has been lifted off my chest and I do slowly feel like I'm getting somewhere. My few counseling sessions did help a lot and now it has been my job to learn to practice what I was taught and learn to take control of my life and that means coming to terms with the past and my past decisions. I have a ways to go I am no where near perfect but I am learning to be at peace with myself knowing that I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. My ultimate goal is to be able to look back on my life and not have regrets and just have peace with myself.

I feel like I'm being tested to my limit

Ever feel like you have been tested to your breaking point and to your limit? I have felt that way recently....let me explain I hope I don't sound melodramatic in the process. Back 10 years ago just as I was graduating high school I decided to do something stupid and date this guy. He was kinda creepy to everyone else but I was "in love" with him why I still don't know. Well, anyway we dated a few months and we were talking of getting married although he was starting to exhibit some really controlling behaviors and was starting to take me away from everyone and everything that I love including my faith. Well, thankfully I had some good friends that helped me break it off with him end of story right yea I wish.A few years later my husband, Damian worked with him when they worked at Laidlaw together. He hadn't forgotten about me and he and Damian almost came to blows over what he was saying about me. He was asking if he had a shot at getting back with me things like that. Then they both stopped working together and I thought that at long last he had stopped trying to track me and that he would leave me alone that is why I was changing my phone numbers so much he had managed to get a couple of my phone numbers as well as where I worked and my address. I was wrong he had managed to track my whereabouts to my current location of Airway Heights. Well, I had had some counseling and I had finally decided to take a stand enough was enough so I sent him a message asking him to leave me alone and telling him that if he didn't that I would not have a problem alerting the proper authorities that he was harrassing me. End of that saga I thought well not exactly, Damian and I have been trying to get a better job at Durham Bus Services as bus attendants we are working only part time anyway so we decided that at Durham it would be still part time but we would be paid more and we would have much better hours and no weekends. We walked in to talk to them and put in the application and also we were told that we would be called for a training class whenever one would start. I wanted to be excited but I couldn't be because my ex was working there we saw him sitting right there in the break room. Every part of me wanted to turn around and run and it tested my strength and my resolve to stand up for myself and to stop living in fear of him. Thankfully Damian was standing behind me and he wouldn't let me turn around. I don't know yet what will become of that but I do know that for some reason the Lord is testing me and right now it feels like he is testing me to my limit but I also know that I have to remember what all I learned in counseling. I have to stand firm and strong and stand up for myself knowing that this creep for lack of a better word and he is he has been arrested for preying on women feeds on fear so as tough as it may be I will need to put all this behind me and not let him get to me and not let him tear me down again. I have to keep in mind that he can't hurt me anymore he can't do anything to me and that I am not powerless, I am grateful however for my friends who literally saved my life when they convinced me to break it off with him I have no doubt that he would have not let me leave had I married him, to him women especially women that he has dated are his property and he owns them.

It's Beginning to Look Like Fall

Well, it's finally beginning to look and feel like fall at our house. First of all lots of leaves have fallen on our front and back porches now we just have to try and find a rake somewhere to get them all raked up. It's also getting cooler outside but so far it's still not too cold it's just right. I love fall for me along with spring it's the best time of year not too cold and not too hot just right. It's also the time of year to start getting ready for winter which means for us buying some plastic to put up over our windows to help keep out the cold. It's also the time of year to start thinking about stocking up on cold weather comfort foods which for me means soups of all kinds and chili. I love chili dogs when it gets colder. I love the months of October and November when it is just cold enough to be comfortable before winter really gets going the end of November into the first part of December. I also love Halloween I outgrew trick or treating years ago but I love pumpkins (maybe this year I will buy a couple) and I also love buying candy and passing it out and seeing what kinds of costumes kids come up with. I also love watching a movie with my husband on Halloween night Casper is a favorite this time of year but we will watch anything as long as it isn't too scary we aren't into that kind of thing.

Lesson learned over Blueberry Pancakes

Yesterday morning I had yet another bout of insomnia and as I sat and tried to get myself tired I was also thinking and stewing about some things. I should probably save this for a less public forum but if it helps another couple out it was worth sharing. Damian and I are trying to make it work as many of you know we were separated for 13 months and came really close to divorce. Well, we somehow made our way back together and while we love each other dearly life isn't always a rose garden and sometimes we struggle. Lately, I have more panic and anxiety attacks I think I have a more general form of anxiety where anything and everything can panic me at different times. Well, anyway I was stewing about how Damian should just know what to do to comfort me and I wondered if he still felt the same way about me now as he did back almost 9 years ago when we met at a young single adult dance and he gave me a hug. Yes he was really that bold why I didn't slap him I don't know. Anyway, I was sitting stewing musing over the lost romance and how to make it come back. Then an inspiration came to me in the form of a question which was this, "What romantic or nice thing had I done for him lately?" I thought about that and I had to be ashamed of myself true he didn't exactly sweep me off my feet like he used to in the days that we had dated and been engaged but when I was brutally honest with myself I realized I hadn't done much either. So knowing that he had to get up by about 5am to have time to get ready to make his first bus connection to the valley for his ham fest thing I decided to make sure he had a good hearty meal to get the day started right. I used to cook breakfast and stuff for him all the time and I'm not really sure why that stopped laziness probably. Well, we didn't have pancake mix but we had blueberry jiffy muffin mix so I followed the pancake directions and used a stove top skillet and while my efforts turned out okay I hoped it would be the thought that counted. So I ate my portion and waited for his alarm to go off. When he got up I proudly showed him the pancakes his reaction floored me, "Thanks honey" he said, "but why did you do this?" I just told him that he would have a long day and I wanted him to have a nice breakfast he was shocked I could tell but he grinned from ear to ear as he rushed around the house managing to get dressed, eat his breakfast and pack his lunch similtaniously. I smiled happy he liked my mediocore attempt at blueberry pancakes but more importantly at the lesson I learned. I learned that it takes two people to have a romance and that you can't just sit and stew and wait for the other person sometimes you have to take the initiatve and get the ball rolling. I also realized that it's the small things that we do for our partner or for our kids or whoever we love that matter the most. How did it all turn out in terms of strengthening our marriage? Well, that answer came after he came home after dinner at Mongolian Grill. I hadn't slept all night so I crashed for a few hours and I missed my alarm so I couldn't go but when he came home I was awake. He excitedly told me everything what he did and about how they got him busy collecting dues for his ham club and about the people and friends he had met and made. I usually reacted with boredom but this time I listened I told myself you know what this means the world to him and you want support when you do what you like so listen to him. I did and I was surprised to find that as I did we talked more about other things. Then my dinner I think I had a baked potato that was starting to go bad was not agreeing with me well we had a little money since I hadn't taken the bus with him that night so he gallantly agreed to go run to Yoke's just across the street and get me some 7-UP to settle my stomach. I was shocked usually I had to fight with him tooth and nail to do something like that. He had hoped we had enough to get him a 20 oz pop too so you can imagine my shock and surprise when he came home with just a single pop, a 20 oz 7-UP just for me. He told me that we only had had enough for the one pop and that I needed mine more than he needed his. I smiled and thanked him pleasantly surprised as there have been many times he has just run out and got himself something without even bothering to ask or notice me at all. I drank it and slowly started feeling better meanwhile he laid next to me in bed and cuddled me and stuff and tried to make me feel good about stuff. Then another part of the lesson hit me, he did care maybe he didn't show it in the ways I think he should or in the ways that he used to but he did care still the same. We settled down to sleep until my insomnia got me up again and I would like to think that our marriage is doing so much better over some simple blueberry pancakes. Who woulda thunk?

Ham Radio Isn't So Bad

For months on end now Damian had been driving me crazy talking on and on about getting his ham radio license that was all he could talk about. He got all the study materials he needed off the internet and for months every waking moment was spent reading over his materials. I tried helping him but although I tried to stay awake and support my husband the material was boring to me all about electrical stuff although it fascinated him. Well, anyway he got his license earlier this month and I'm proud of him and his efforts that he learned that if you put hard work and effort into something it will pay off. Well anyway he has joined a ham club and at first I had mixed feelings about that but now I'm glad that he did he is making some new friends with some really nice people who share his interests. He is also going to be involved with some kind of training excercise to make sure ham operators are ready to respond in case of an emergency situation so that will be good for him. He is all excited to be going to a ham fest tomorrow he was only going to stay for just a couple of hours and then head home by bus but some fellow hammies want him to go with them to Mongolian Grill out in the Valley and I get to join them so that will be fun. All in all I guess I have to concede and say that ham radio isn't so bad after all it has it's uses and he seems to enjoy it and making friends has been hard for Damian and he seems to be making quite a few so that is a good thing.

My Cup Runneth Over

Tonight I was listening to a Michael McLean cd that Damian found and as I did I felt the spirit so strongly that was our impromtu family home evening it didn't start out that way but we both felt so good listening to it that we didn't want to stop. As I listened I also got to pondering my blessings and how good the Lord has been to me. From time to time it is easy to get caught up in the woe is me game my problem however is that I get stuck there and forget how blessed I truly am. Once I started counting my many blessings one by one my cup has runneth over. I want to list just a few......I'm thankful for a roof over my head and food to eat and warmth for many do not have such things. I am thankful for my husband and family every single one of them who has stood beside me and loved me my whole life. I am thankful for loving dear friends who saved me from being bullied and picked on who saw the pain in my eyes and loved me. To this day many of you are in my life and I have been truly blessed by your love and friendship and devotion. I love you more than I can express although I hope you feel it because I would not be where I am today without you. You laughed with me, cried with me and helped me bring out the potential I had locked inside. You never turned away from me ever but showed me Christlike love and charity and I love you for all this and so much more because of you all I learned how to be a friend. I am thankful for a loving God who knows us and who gives us what we need not what we want but always what we need. He has put things in my life and people in my life that have made me so much better than I was. I am thankful for being able to be an auntie to a darling little girl who smiles and blows me kisses and who gives her auntie so much joy and warms my heart with her love her hugs and her kisses. She has done more to heal my broken heart over being childless than I could have ever thought possible. So for these things and many more I am so thankful, my cup has runneth over and I'm sure that our loving God isn't done yet.

Just a general update on some stuff

First of all sorry I haven't put on here any pics of our campout/ reunion I forgot my digital camera and although Damian took some pics on his cell phone he hasn't uploaded them yet so they will be up as soon as I can motivate him to do it. Also Damian and I had our second date night Friday night and it was more of a success this time around. We had more to talk about with each other and we weren't as inclined to go run off and play with our toys it was easier to put them away for awhile. Damian hasn't been able to get a dr's appt after his was cancelled for Sep but it turned out for the best as that dr was not a pyschatrist at all just a nurse practitioner. I don't have anything against that but that would have not worked out in this situation as Damian has mental health issues not physical issues we need dealt with at the moment. So I'm hunting for dr's and having him make phone calls until we find one. However, on the good side of things Damian has calmed down...after an initial fall out from not letting him drink Dr. Pepper he has actually began to do really well. He sleeps through out the night and he isn't as edgy and he isn't for lack of a better word bouncing off the walls. Actually we both haven't drunk as much pop as we are used to and it's been better for the both of us. We are both losing some weight just from doing one simple thing who whoulda thunk?

Thanks for the input!!!

Thanks for your input and ideas I appreciate it so much as Damian and I try and learn to hold our own family home evenings. Also thanks for the ideas about how to bring more purpose and meaning to our family scripture study I have been implementing the new ideas and so far Damian doesn't drag his feet as much about studying the scriptures with me so that's a real plus. We are going to hold our first family home evening in years on Sunday night we decided on Sunday night because for us personally Monday night is very chaotic and hectic. I think that for this first one Damian and I are going to discuss some family business like how we are going to decide who plans what things like that then we are going to have some kind of activity and then brownies for desert. For this first one I want to keep it short and simple and then go from there. Thanks for the support and ideas they were great and thanks for supporting us as a family unit as one of you said families come in all shapes and sizes.

Trying to hold Family Home Evening as a Couple with no kids

Hey everyone!!! This is kinda a blog post to try and get some input....as many of you know Damian and I have not been able to have children like we have hoped so we have not really thought of ourselves as needing to have family home evening since most of the thoughts, ideas, lessons etc are geared towards families with kids. However, now that Damian and I fully understand that we are also a family unit we want to try and hold our own but like I said we don't know where to start. I have been trying to come up with improvised lessons by taking a topic out of the scriptures but while this helps us with our scripture study that gets old after awhile. Anyone have any ideas for lessons, etc or on just how to hold a Family Home Evening without kids in the house please let me know I would love any ideas or suggestions. Also I love Damian dearly but he gets bored easily when we try and read the scriptures together out loud this is partly due to the fact that he doesn't feel comfortable with his reading ability although I don't care all I care about is that he is reading them. I really want to start scripture study with him I feel that could really bring us together but I don't know how to go about it without feeling as if I'm dragging him along. He does read them by himself but he struggles when it comes to anything being read outloud. Any ideas?

My "Date" with my husband

Last night Damian and I tried a new idea that I had thought of...we shut off our computers and electronics including our phone and we sat down together over some totino's pizza and watched tv together for a few hours. The original plan was to find a movie we both wanted to watch but we found some tv shows we watched instead. Overall, the "date" went okay we were able to spend some quality time together which was important but it was a little awkward I must admit. Damian and I have both been guilty of living in separate worlds lately him back in the back room playing with his computers and electronics and me playing on my laptop. However, at least we both see the need to reconnect once in awhile so although last night was a little rough we decided to keep going and keep trying to "date" each other again even if we can't afford to go out. I don't think it matters where you go or what you do so long as you make time for each other and make each other a priority. I think next week will get easier as we learn to rediscover each other again and learn to turn off our electrical toys for awhile and learn to talk and connect again. I think if we keep this up we will be back in balance where we can better balance our needs for our own space and needs for some time together as a couple.

Damian's Family Reunion Part 1

Damian and I are back from his family reunion we got back on Sunday actually but our internet was down for a couple of days. So much stuff happened that I have decided to break the posts up and the second one will include pictures hopefully fingers crossed. Damian and I left on Friday evening and we rode in his brother, Shawn and his wife, Danielle's van. It was an interesting ride to say the least as we got lost but we got there. Dani and I figured it would be easier if we unpacked the van and let the guys set up two tents that sounds unfair but they actually got them set up fairly quickly. Once they were set up Dani had me walk with her to the bathroom one last time that night and then we parted ways and went into our tents (we had adjoining camping spots) and we went to sleep. I have not camped in a LONG time and was not used to getting woken up by the sun. Damian woke up shortly after I did and we went outside and just sat enjoying the beautiful morning for awhile. Dani and Shawn woke up and then we just bsed and Damian and I got to know two of Damian's relatives cousins of his mom's, Jerry and his wife Joyce who were camping in an rv in a spot next to Shawn and Dani. Then after awhile we got breakfast going, Shawn, Dani, Damian, Mom, Dad, Aunt Joy and I all contributed and we had a feast I'm not kidding. There were pancakes, eggs, sausage, hashbrowns and juice. Then after clean up more relatives began arriving and we just had fun visiting before the potluck later on and I got to pig out on more food. Then more laughter and visiting then we had a family aution to make some money for next years reunion which will more than likely be held in Ferndale, WA. The aution was a HUGE success and now that I know that homemade baked goods sell well next year I plan on contributing some. Then FINALLY late into the night we went to bed and then the next morning we ALL ( like 19 or so of us) met at this cute little cafe to have breakfast before taking off. We literally almost filled the place but the portions were HUGE and the food was really really good. Then we gave our hugs and our good byes and we all went our separate ways. The ride home was interesting to say the least but we made it home and Damian and I agreed that we really had a great time his family is very friendly and caring and they don't judge, they also don't compete with each other about who's kids are doing better than who's they really are just content being together. We agreed that we need to come every year if we can and also that we now have more family to add to our Christmas list.

Mourning the loss of a faithful feline companion

Damian and I this afternoon had to say good bye to a faithful friend and companion for over 6 years, Callie one of our 3 cats passed away this afternoon. She had gotten a really bad bacterial infection and just as she seemed to be doing well she started losing weight and energy and her spunk we took her in to the vet but there wasn't anything to be done. She died this afternoon in Damian's arms and will be buried up at my grandma's house tomorrow afternoon. Damian and I already feel the void in our family she wasn't known to be a lap cat but she was always at our feet or somewhere nearby rubbing up against us with her very long beautiful fur. She was a sweet cat but also kept her independence but yet somehow she was in tune with me and my anxiety attacks sticking to me like glue whenever I had one and in her own way letting me know I was going to be okay and that she still loved me no matter what the situation was. I know Callie is in kitty heaven an angel like her has got to be I'm sad about her not being with us but I also can look back on 6 wonderful years with her in our lives and I'm thankful for every one of them in her own way she was a very special, very loving cat.

Finally let the cat out of the bag and learned a few things in the process

Saturday night Damian and I went over to his mom and dad's for dinner along with his Aunt Joy and his brother Shawn and Shawn's wife Dani their roommate was there too so it was pretty cool. Mom and Dad have a small trailer though but somehow we all fit which was amazing in and of itself....the reason we all got together was to plan our meals for the reunion. I had been hesitant to relenquish any control over that but by the end of the night I was glad I had. I now have to only buy a few items from the store instead of a whole bunch so I'm glad I got rid of my pride a little. I'm also glad I found the courage to really be honest about what has been happening with Damian and what his dr's appt was really going to be about. I was expecting a fallout but his folks and Aunt were really calm about which was surprising to me. I am just relieved there are no more secrets. I really don't believe in keeping anything from family. Also I learned a few things just by talking to his Aunt Joy....she and I haven't seen eye to eye and that has been a struggle for me it has also been a struggle for me that somehow Heavenly Father wanted her to be my visiting teacher I didn't understand why until last night. Damian and I have been struggling to make ends meet things have been extremely tight we have help with food but not with basics like toliet paper and stuff. Well, we were out and trying to figure out what to do when we found a whole bunch of that on our front porch. I saw Billie Sue my other visiting teacher's car pull away but I wondered how she knew until Joy told me she told her and it was a joint effort. I was moved by that simple act especially since Joy in the past has said a lot of unkind things to me and about me regarding my place in the family. I also learned that her long lost daughter (her kids blamed her for her divorce from their dad and didn't want anything to do with her) is coming for a visit and wants to make amends and that moved Joy more than I had ever seen her she is so happy and emotional and excited. Then something hit me I realized I had played a part in my bad relations with Joy I had judged her and her bristly exterior at face value and hadn't bothered to try and understand what was underneath. Underneath was a soft hearted caring soul who had been so hurt by her children's snub that she tried to pretend she didn't care by being so hard and sometimes bristly and curt.....I learned a lession Saturday night a couple of them 1) don't judge a book by it's cover take a peek inside you just might be pleasantly surprised 2) be kind and loving to everyone even if they have been snide and rude to you it just might be someone's defensive mechnanism and 3) Heavenly Father has a rhyme and reason for everything even when we don't know what it is. Also Damian and I learned that night that his sister Angela and her husband Randall who have been on an adoption waiting list for over 3 years now have finally consented to be foster parents so way to go for them I'm happy for them and can't wait to hear updates....Heavenly Father sure does work in mysterious ways and I'm glad I finally have fully reached a point where I trust completely and am no longer going to question anything he says or does he can make more out of my life than I can I just make a mess of it all.

Finally we are getting somewhere

Thank goodness we are finally getting somewhere with all this chaos. Damian finally has a dr's appt set up for September 9th I am going to go with him and in the meanwhile I am going to write down everything that has been happening and when it has been happening. We need to make sure that he gets diagnosed this time....in the past he was told his mood swings are nothing I'm sorry they are not nothing if you don't agree try living with him for awhile. Things are calmer now that he hasn't had as much caffiene but he will go through some withdrawls but I think he understands it's for his own good so he hasn't fought me as much as I thought he would. Also we have all the details worked out so we are going to be able to go to Damian's family reunion...maybe I'll test something new and try and put some pictures up from that adventure. Damian's family does drive me up the wall some times as does my own but overall though they really came through for us in helping us to be able to go so I'm thankful for that. I'm getting excited I haven't camped in like 8 years and I love camping so that part will be the best for me I think I don't really know too many of his extended family but I guess it will be a good time to get to know them.

It's been an okay week!!

This week was a little better as far as mood swings goes Damian's mood stayed pretty good all week long...however, because it did he didn't feel the need to call a doctor so that frustrated me he was starting to sink again though so that kinda told him I hope to call one on Monday. We need to get him treated as soon as we can.....he doesn't feel like going to church or really being social with too many people nor does he want me to leave him and all this isolation is driving me bonkers. I know that his treatment won't cure his mental illness but it should calm things down a bit so it's not so extreme. On another note Damian's brother and his wife offered to help us get down to his side's family reunion near Moses Lake the first weekend in September if we can iron out all the details that should be really fun this will be the first year that Damian and I could possibly be able to attend. I'll have to bring my camera for sure. Sometimes I find myself slipping into my normal anxiety patterns and my paranoia but I have also had to step it up and try to learn to pull it all together and this week has had low points with that and high ones thankfully I think I'm learning to cope and learning to help myself deal with it and learn to not take the actions of other people so personally. I'm slowly learning that just because someone may do something that doesn't have any bearing on me as an individual....it's hard being the people pleaser I am to break some of these habits and tendencies but it's coming along and so overall I would say it is has been a good week.

I hope I have the energy for all this

It's only been two days or so and I am physically and emotionally drained but still I am resolved to see him through this and love and be there for him even at his low points. Today was another nightmare he had another manic outburst where he did and said things he didn't mean and I was literally just about at my wits end I didn't know what to do also he was insisting he didn't need treatment the problem was me yada yada yada I used to take it personal but today was a little easier it helps to try and place myself in his shoes and also know that he is not lashing out at me personally he would have lashed out at anyone or anything for that matter. On the plus side he did calm down rationally enough for awhile that he traded with his friend some computer parts for a decent laptop it isn't blazing fast but it's decent and works for me. Then I did check my email and got some unexpected help from a dear friend of mine who has and is bipolar and he gave me some valuable tips on things I can try to stabilize Damian's moods until we can get him into a doctor and also he gave me the name of the doc that really helped him so we don't know if he is still practicing or not but it's something to go on which was more than I had before also after comparing Damian's symptoms with the classic symptoms of autism and also bipolar it is very possible that Damian was misdiagnosed because he has more of the bipolar symptoms and also some of those symptoms are very similar....I wouldn't be surprised because he was diagnosed when they didn't know as much about Bipolar disorders. Then tonight was a sudden setback he was doing better most of the day but then tonight I was laying down trying to get some sleep when I hear crying and wailing coming out of the living room. It was Damian and he had hit his low point of the episode where all he wanted to do was cry and all I could do was try my best to comfort him. I hope he gets an appointment for treatment soon I don't think either one of us can take much more of this. God please give me the strength and energy and love and patience to get through this because I never realized how draining it all is emotionally and physically and it has only been a couple of days. I'm not meaning to moan and complain but all my feelings have to go somewhere so why not here....I love him dearly though again I just pray that is enough and even right now when he is in a place in his mind where I can't reach him I pray he knows I do and that I'm here and that I'm with him I sure hope so.

A Lot on my Mind

First of I would like to say that if I have offended anyone or hurt anyone's feelings lately I'm sorry I haven't been myself and I have been more snappy than usual. I have been really concerned about Damian, he hasn't been himself for the last couple of weeks stupid me I thought he would snap out of it after spending time with his dad and also being at our family reunion those have really cheered him up in the past but no this time it is something more than just the blues so I'm really worried about him. Today he went nuts and it scared the crap out of me...he has never acted that way before first he was fine then he was totally out of control angry I mean it was nuts then after awhile he was depressed all within a matter of a few hours. Also along with it because I must admit that I wasn't the most patient with him during his angry outburst so I added some fuel to the fire..I didn't mean to but I am human I was trying to make up to him and hold him but every time I tried to approach him to touch him he screamed at me to get away from him but it wasn't in a mean or angry tone it was in a scared tone one I had never heard before....later on after all that he told me that he also had thoughts just racing through his mind so fast he didn't know what to do and that bothers him because his brain is wired to only handle one thought or task at a time. I took a bi polar symptom test with him and he told me all the answers and according to that he just might be which would make sense because his sister has it and from what I understand it can be genetic. I am no doc though but he wants to print it out so he can use it to help describe his symptoms to his doc and hopefully we can get him some help. Yes it scared me but it also scared him it is not in his nature to have all this going on he is usually very loving and sweet and very caring and protective of me so meanwhile if I am short tempered or distracted please don't take it personal I am just very worried about the LOVE of my LIFE and pray he will be OK and that he will be able to get the help that he needs so that way he can get his moods stable and be able to hold a job and be able to love me again the way that he used to....thank goodness for the promptings of the spirit yet again I almost threw in the towel and took the mean words he said to me at face value and almost left him now I realize he didn't even realize all he had done or said to me he has no clue he can't remember anything he said or did during that whole episode it's as if his mind drew a blank...I am determined though to not give up on him, I was not alone during my nervous breakdowns and mental health issues so I'm not going to leave him to be especially as he is going through treatment for whatever it is bipolar or not besides being around people with bipolar doesn't bother me I have gotten used to it a member of my family has it and you just roll with it some times are good and some aren't so good and sometimes they will say or do things that are hurtful but they don't realize it they aren't themselves for awhile but then they calm down again. Besides I made marriage vows and promised him that I would be beside him for better or for worse and in sickness and in health so I can't back down from that I made those promises basically in front of God in His house so I can't back out now...I guess this is one of those times that really tests a marriage and a relationship I just hope God gives me enough strength love and patience to be able to handle it and not lose it with him which unfortunately is still my knee jerk reaction and that we can make it through this together. I love him enough and I know he still loves me and they say that love is a strong force let's just hope it is strong enough

Family Reunion

The last couple of days Damian and I have been up at my grandma's house for a family reunion....it has been a mixture of highs and lows overall as could be expected when a family gets together but overall I think it had a lot of high points. Damian and all the guys went and played paintball and when they came home had to compare all their welts. I got to meet my cousin Adri's husband (well, he will be in a week) and we had a bridal shower for her....I got to see my cutie pattootie niece Lexus and she is growing so fast she is working on walking and she can say some words now so that is really great. She was the charmer of the reunion I think but I just might be a little biased. She does know and recognize her auntie...grinning at me and blowing me kisses and she was actually really good during some of the activities that went on after her bedtime. My family FINALLY won the game of Family Newsletter jeopardy thanks in part to my mom actually rereading all the family newsletters for the last two years. We also got to learn a little about some family geneology and about some of our returned missionaries missions and just got to feel the spirit with my family. Sometimes they drive me up the wall and sometimes I want to strangle them but at the same time I love them and miss seeing them and enjoy their company when I see them. I think that is how it is in a lot of families. Last night Lexus did something really neat...James and Gwynne (her parents) were telling me that at home they have pictures up of my dad (Lexus' grandpa) and Lexus sometimes will stare and point at that picture and babble a little at it. I didn't believe it but last night I saw it...she was fixated on it until I moved her to sit by me so she wasn't stepped on. That was really neat to witness...I honestly feel that Lexus knows who her grandpa is and that he got to be with her and hold her before he sent her down to us. I also got a chance to really think about some things and about what is really important and what doesn't really matter all that much and I'm even more determined than I was before to get back into the temple with my husband and really strive toward having an eternal family with my husband. I can't sit on the fence about some things I have to make a stand one way or another and I think I know which way I am going to go now.

Get to see the Blue Angels without the crowds

Damian and I have heard a constant buzzing of aircraft literally over our heads which can only mean one thing the Airforce Base down the highway from us is practicing for Skyfest this weekend. I don't mind I'm getting used to it...and this year the Blue Angels are here and that's really cool...technically the show is Saturday but for those of us lucky enough to live on the flight path we get to see them practice as they fly over our heads quite literally it's really cool. Saturday I will also get to see them perform at my in laws house because they literally will fly close enough for us to see them from the ground on their way to Fairchild Airforce Base and we get to enjoy some yummy steaks my father in law will cook on his grill. Yes, I know we will be missing out on some of the ground stuff but we also won't miss the crowds and as long as i get to see the Blue Angels fly I'm good. Sometimes I love living in Airway Heights.

Thank goodness for father in laws

I noticed about a week or so ago that my driver's side rear tire was completely flat so of course I was really bummed about it. I told my husband and asked him to talk to his dad about it...I love my father in law he is an amazing guy and he knows a lot about cars but of course Damian didn't listen. Well, anyway when Dad came by to pick Damian up for the campout he noticed it so this afternoon he helped Damian get the tire off the car and they took that tire and the flat spare (yes I know not very useful) to Les Schwab to see if they could be fixed but they couldn't. I was so down but then dad who again is a car genius noticed that the tire size on Damian's old Oldsmobile was the same although the wheel size wasn't so they are going to somehow swap it out although I don't know how they tried to explain it to me but it went over my head but all i know is that i will have inflated tires again. I am really thankful for my father-in-law he is a good person and a good man. He loves his family and is there for all of us equally...it's nice especially since my own father passed away that he treats me like a daughter he doesn't treat me any differently just because I'm not a biological daughter. I feel much better knowing that Dad is there to look after me especially in the car department...he's also a great guy to get advice from...he's not real talkative but every so often i can get him talking and he has a lot of valuable things to say and what he has to say is all that much more important because he just doesn't run his mouth. I respect him a lot and am thankful for him. I must admit though he kinda intimidated me at first and I didn't think he liked me because he was so quiet at first but Damian later told me that Dad was just sizing me up and getting comfortable with my being around now he's awesome we joke and talk and stuff like that it's pretty neat. I still miss my own dad of course but life is a lot easier with my awesome car genius father in law to come to the rescue every so often

Sending my husband off on a campout

This afternoon my husband grabbed his sleeping bag, pillows and he can't forget his pop, chips, dip, baking potatoes and two large steaks weighing in at about three quarters of a pound a piece. I waved to him as he loaded all this into his dad's truck so they could head off to his house and meet up with Damian's brother. Yep, today is the day of the annual Impett men campout...it was supposed to happen in May but had to rescheduled so Damian's dad scheduled two nights starting tonight and lasting until Tuesday morning. I know little about what happens on these campouts....Damian is sworn to secrecy kinda a what happens on the campout stays between them kinda deal. i do know that the steak and potato dinner is a tradition and in that family the size of the steak matters...one year being new to this I bought normal sized steaks and Damian didn't hear the end of it from his dad and brother so every year I get him his big steaks, potatoes and snacks and pop and kiss him good bye and send him off on his merry way. I have no idea what happens on such outings and even after all these years of marriage I still miss him but I won't dream of not letting him go because I do know that when Damian comes home he is happy and cheerful and that tells me that he had a great time. Also it is a time where the guys can bond together and spend some alone time and I know from losing my dad when I was young how important those times are. I have learned to use this time to have some alone time as well...some time to relax and watch a chic flick or do whatever I want as well. I have also found that during these times I can recharge my batteries and when Damian does come home I once again have enough energy to give him all the love and devotion that he needs.

Just a little Clarification

I have been thinking lately about what I do have and despite current difficulties I have quite a lot. I have a loving dear husband, a roof over my head, food and electricity among other conveniences but I also have family members I love and who in their sometimes quirky way love me too and I have dear friends who never cease to surprise or amaze me. I was sitting here this evening feeling sorry for myself it doesn't happen as much anymore as it used to but sometimes I throw myself a one person pity party when all of a sudden on my yahoo messenger a friend messages me. We got to talking in great length and I don't know how she does it but she made me feel better another perfectly good pity party spoiled just kidding but it did help that she was able to help get me back on track. Then tonight another friend messaged me out of the blue and we had a really good conversation that surprised me but felt great. I didn't mean in my rant to imply that I am not grateful for the friends that I do have or that I don't love the friends that I have. I just want to make that clear I cherish my friendships and will do what I can for a friend to be there for them. All I meant was that I don't like dishonesty in any form and when someone is fake even when they are trying to spare someone's feelings it is a form of lying and I don't like it....don't act like you want to be my best friend if you don't we can be civil but cut the act please for both our sakes. Also I no longer wish to engage in idle gossip or endless drama with anyone a little is fine but in excess it can hurt people and I don't wish to hurt anyone especially people that I love and care about. I love it when I can be real with a friend and really share how I feel and what I think and likewise they share with me not because they feel that they have to but because they feel safe and comfortable talking and sharing with me. I also feel really good when I not only help a friend out but they reciprocate not because I am selfish that way but because that's what a friendship is it is about give and take and helping each other out. I get really annoyed when I give to a friend all that I have and they keep taking but don't give anything back that's what I basically was meaning. I am asking for respect and true friendship and loyalty and honesty in my friendships and in return that is what you will recieve from me.

Learning to Trust in a Loving God

Over the last couple of days my faith and trust in God have been tested to the limit and to the max everything I believed and had faith in was shaken and tested. Thankfully, I passed the test and my religious views and faith not only remain intact but are stronger than ever. I have a tendency as a person who has high anxiety to want to question everything and know how everything will work...it's not easy for me to accept the answer of it will without knowing why or how. However, I have been in a situation lately where I have needed to rely on my faith that there is not only a God but that he loves me and knows who I am and that he will answer my prayers. I have done a lot of praying lately not for myself but for a dear loved one of mine praying for guidance and answers and as they came to me I had the faith to try them although conventional wisdom went against what I was being told to do. I was being guided to show more love, meekness and understanding and to answer with softness. The outside world was telling me to be strong and bold and show this person who was boss. Thankfully I listened to the Holy Ghost and what was being whispered to me because when I have this person responded better and I soon found out the reasoning behind their attitude and demeanor and we were able to get to the bottom of the problem with not only our relationship intact but it grew stronger than ever. I am thankful for this lesson about listening to God when we pray for answers and guidance instead of being stubborn and bull headed and trying to have it our way all the time. This was one of many times where I did not know best and if I had done what I wanted to do at first I would have dearly hurt someone that I love.