Just a little Clarification

I have been thinking lately about what I do have and despite current difficulties I have quite a lot. I have a loving dear husband, a roof over my head, food and electricity among other conveniences but I also have family members I love and who in their sometimes quirky way love me too and I have dear friends who never cease to surprise or amaze me. I was sitting here this evening feeling sorry for myself it doesn't happen as much anymore as it used to but sometimes I throw myself a one person pity party when all of a sudden on my yahoo messenger a friend messages me. We got to talking in great length and I don't know how she does it but she made me feel better another perfectly good pity party spoiled just kidding but it did help that she was able to help get me back on track. Then tonight another friend messaged me out of the blue and we had a really good conversation that surprised me but felt great. I didn't mean in my rant to imply that I am not grateful for the friends that I do have or that I don't love the friends that I have. I just want to make that clear I cherish my friendships and will do what I can for a friend to be there for them. All I meant was that I don't like dishonesty in any form and when someone is fake even when they are trying to spare someone's feelings it is a form of lying and I don't like it....don't act like you want to be my best friend if you don't we can be civil but cut the act please for both our sakes. Also I no longer wish to engage in idle gossip or endless drama with anyone a little is fine but in excess it can hurt people and I don't wish to hurt anyone especially people that I love and care about. I love it when I can be real with a friend and really share how I feel and what I think and likewise they share with me not because they feel that they have to but because they feel safe and comfortable talking and sharing with me. I also feel really good when I not only help a friend out but they reciprocate not because I am selfish that way but because that's what a friendship is it is about give and take and helping each other out. I get really annoyed when I give to a friend all that I have and they keep taking but don't give anything back that's what I basically was meaning. I am asking for respect and true friendship and loyalty and honesty in my friendships and in return that is what you will recieve from me.

Learning to Trust in a Loving God

Over the last couple of days my faith and trust in God have been tested to the limit and to the max everything I believed and had faith in was shaken and tested. Thankfully, I passed the test and my religious views and faith not only remain intact but are stronger than ever. I have a tendency as a person who has high anxiety to want to question everything and know how everything will work...it's not easy for me to accept the answer of it will without knowing why or how. However, I have been in a situation lately where I have needed to rely on my faith that there is not only a God but that he loves me and knows who I am and that he will answer my prayers. I have done a lot of praying lately not for myself but for a dear loved one of mine praying for guidance and answers and as they came to me I had the faith to try them although conventional wisdom went against what I was being told to do. I was being guided to show more love, meekness and understanding and to answer with softness. The outside world was telling me to be strong and bold and show this person who was boss. Thankfully I listened to the Holy Ghost and what was being whispered to me because when I have this person responded better and I soon found out the reasoning behind their attitude and demeanor and we were able to get to the bottom of the problem with not only our relationship intact but it grew stronger than ever. I am thankful for this lesson about listening to God when we pray for answers and guidance instead of being stubborn and bull headed and trying to have it our way all the time. This was one of many times where I did not know best and if I had done what I wanted to do at first I would have dearly hurt someone that I love.

Congratulations to New Mom's and Thoughts about Motherhood

I just recieved word that another dear friend of mine is expecting a baby and this news should be devastating to me as I have not been blessed with children of my own after eight years of marriage however, I can honestly say with all my heart that I congratulate her and and share in her joy. Before I slap myself too hard on the back however I must honestly say I was not always this way....for years I spent time wallowing in self pity and sorrow moaning my childless state wondering why God had forsaken me. I spent many Mother's Days sobbing racking sobs that made my whole body ache and I couldn't look at a mother and child without feeling a very strong ache in my heart. I wondered why God would give me such a strong maternal love for children and then not let me have my own. What made it worse was other's asking me about it making me feel like I was doing something wrong or that I had no desire to have babies. How wrong they were...I have a medical condition where I may be able to get pregnant but it's unlikely and every year that goes by my chances get less and less. Some of my friends who have my same condition have been fortunate but as of this time I have not. However, at this moment in my life I have learned to accept it....I wish it was different but wishing alone won't change my situation so I have learned to make peace with it and continue on. I am still a part of an eternal family with my husband and I have many good things in my life to look forward to and many things yet to accomplish. As hard as it has been for me I have also stopped questioning God and have chosen to accept his will that at this time I am not a mother and that I may not get a chance to be at least to my own children in this life. I have learned that I still have worth as his daughter and that he has a lot of work for me to do still. I'm still lost in deep prayer with God about how to use my strong maternal loving instincts and I have come up with a solution that is working for me....I can use it to bless the lives of others. I have been using it to help my sister with her daughter, my beloved niece Lexus who is the light in my life her smile makes me melt and her arms reach out to me every time I see her. My sister loves her of course and I could never replace her mother in her life but I too can be a mentor, role model and friend and can be there to support Lexus and love her unconditionally as she grows up and hits life's bumps and hard times. I also want to pursue Early Childhood Education and be a teacher to children as they are making early learning discoveries about themselves and their world. I may never be a "traditional" mother but I have learned that I can be a "mother" in other ways and can still use my gifts and abilities. I have also learned from this to trust in God and to appreciate the gifts I have been given instead of what I have not.

Men's Clothing Sizes Make Way More Sense

I got really bored this morning so I got up got in my car and went to Wal-Mart not the buy anything but to browse and window shop. I know it's crazy but I enjoy just looking and seeing what I would get if I could. I also was noticing my husband's sad state of things when it comes to his clothes. So I wandered away from the housewares and into the men's clothing department. I don't know who decided but years ago it apparantly becamy my job to be his personal shopper so there I was. I looked at dress shirts wrote down a few things and hoped I got the size right (I did!!) and then moved on to dress slacks and jeans along with polo shirts and t-shirts. As I was looking and writing stuff down to talk with him about later I realized how easy it is to shop in the men's department, the dress shirts go based on neck size pretty simple and the pants go based on waist and inseam again really simple. That is the only thing that annoys me about women's clothes a size 14 for example isn't always a size 14 it depends on all kinds of factors maybe that's why my husband has never dared to step a toe in a woman's clothing department. I don't like the colors that are in the men's department for me personally although they would look good on him but I wish they would implement a simpler way to size woman's clothes in that area alone they could copy the men's department.

Two Faced People and My Biggest Pet Peeves

I'm sorry I am going to need to rant and rave but keep in mind that I am not talking about everyone that I know so please keep that in mind. I know I am not perfect but I do try and be genuine in all my relationships I am not the kind of person who acts like your best friend before your face then will hate you behind your back. If I like you I like you and I try my best to be your friend that's just the type of person that I am but if I don't I am not blatantly rude to you but I don't ooze fake kindness either. That is what bothers me the most...if you don't want to like me or talk to me or hang out with me or whatever fine don't but don't be two faced about it and pretend that I'm your best friend when you see me and make all these promises about how we'll have to get together sometime but then I don't hear from you again. I'm getting tired of that when in reality I have real true genuine friends who like me for the person I am and who have been there for me when I have needed them like I have been for them. I can't control what other people do but I am not into fakey people or drama in my friendships....I have been guilty of being dramatic in the past but I have stopped doing that and I am into real conversations with my friends and really talking to them and getting to be better accquainted with who they are as people and also about having a two way friendship where there is real give and take and real emotions involved. Again I am not talking about everyone most of the people I have in my life are amazing and I love them tremendously I don't know what I would do without them. I just am getting tired of the head games with people too and it was time that I let that be known.

Putting Everything in Perspective

I am starting to realize that just when you think you have things really bad and that things couldn't possibly be any worse for you...that's when you meet or talk to someone who has it just a little bit worse than you could have ever thought possible. That happened to me today I have been whining a little because although Spokane hasn't been blazing hot...it has been quite warm and since I live in an aluminum trailer some days I feel like I am baking in an oven although I am quite fortunate that our window unit ac works in the bedroom so I get some relief. Well, anyway I was talking with a friend in Florida where it has not only been warm but is quite humid as well and I had to admit that maybe things aren't too bad here. I may be getting baked sometimes but at least when I go outside I am not getting sticky and attracting a bunch of bugs. I guess it is all a matter of perspective and I just have to remember that

Realizing my blessings

Lately stuff has come up in my life where I have had to really count my blessings and think about what I have been given instead of what I am lacking. I have also come to the realization that although a person may mean well that they don't always share the same goals or direction and they might try and steer you another way but that's okay. That's when you need to have confidence in yourself and your decision and listen to your heart. I have had to really do that lately as I tend to want to please other people and care too much about making everyone else happy most times at the price of my own happiness and goals. I am still trying to practice what I learned through my counseling sessions that I have worth and value as a person and that I can't have any control over what other people think and feel I can only control myself and my reactions. What can I say I'm still a work in progress? I have also had to really realize that even after you are married it is not a fairy tale happily ever after, it can end up that way but after a lot of work and effort and that being married in itself doesn't give any guarantees. Damian and I are doing well again but I naively thought that just because we survived a year long separation that the rest would be gravy. I think we both came through the ashes and realized that this is not the case and that if we wanted to be married bad enough that we would need to make each other a priority and take the time to really appreciate what we have instead of picking apart our quirks and flaws. Taking some time to think I began to see Damian in the same light as when I married him, he has changed and grown but I see the man I fell in love with. I began to see the sweet man who could always make me laugh and who took the time in his own simple way to care about me and other people who remembered my name after he had just met me and who put his arm around me and asked how my day was then stuck around to hear the answer. We have been through a lot together good and bad but now I can stop nit picking and appreciate the gift I was given. Damian certainly can drive me crazy but at the same time he has such a sweet way of loving me and telling me I'm beautiful and that he loves me. I'm beginning to wonder if he is blind but he tries to love me the best way that he can and I'm learning to accept it unconditionally and realize that I have been blessed by having been given his love. I'm learning to see that although he has challenges and issues we need to deal with on a daily basis that sometimes get in our way that I truly love him and wouldn't have it any other way and that the day I married him in the Spokane Temple was the best day of my life. I wouldn't trade him or my life with him challenges and all for anything in the world