All is well

All is well for our family and for myself as this year winds down to an end. Damian is working at Goodwill and doing well. He likes what he does he likes his co workers he is happy that he is busy and active during the day and this is a good omen as we go into 2011. I'm settling in right now with a new role in my life and that's as a backup supporting role. I always have had to feel like I'm in control even when I'm not and that has gotten us in trouble in our marriage as my husband hasn't been able to do what he needs to do and he hasn't felt like the level of trust is there ouch so we are fixing it. I am learning to step back and let him step forward and in return good things are happening. He's getting stronger in his role as a husband and I'm learning that I can count on and rely on him. I will be going back to work eventually but right now it's working out as it is. I'm spending my time at home catching up on some cleaning and communicating with some new friends in my group. This group isn't huge and only a few woman who are a part of it communicate with us but that's okay the few that do are just as important. I feel a connection to these women who are all over one is in Texas and two more are in England. It's been amazing to reach out and give them support and encouragement and in turn heal myself. We are all on different levels in our healing process and grieving process and that's okay. It's been as I have been talking to them that I have been learning that I'm okay I've accepted it. I know this because it's not painful anymore to hear news of a pregnancy or adoption, I don't cringe or want to cry when I see baby pictures and I actually enjoy holding and interacting with a baby and or a child. I also do feel blessed actually in my own journey that many of those around me have been so kind and supportive and sensitive to my feelings. I really appreciate that as some aren't so fortunate. I'm at peace with what I can't change and that's hard for me to say as I have been learning this year to let go and let God and to change what I can and not worry about changing what I can't. What I can't change is my medical issues but what I can change is my outlook and attitude. I can choose to be there for the children in my life and be a mentor, friend and role model and to give my friends and family members with children a breather once in awhile. I can't express in words how much brighter my world seems now that I have been starting to change my attitude. I can't tell you how much I have grown and it seems like my heart keeps expanding ever larger. It feels so wonderful to feel that happening and I know in my gut that this is in preparation for me to become a foster mom. I know that I will need to love those kids unconditionally knowing that not every one will become a permanent placement. I need to be able to love them while they are mine and then be able to let them go if the need arises. I am being prepared for the task at hand so when the time comes I will be ready. I feel wonderful and at peace with myself as 2010 wraps up and for Damian and I right now in our lives all is well.

A small ripple

Events that have transpired today give me hope that something I have done or said even though it was small made a difference to someone and that's all I have wanted to do. Many years ago I read a story in the first Chicken Soup for the Soul book about a man walking along a beach throwing star fish back into the ocean one at a time. Someone comes up to him and asks him why he is even wasting his time and that he can't possibly save them all. In response the man picks up another one throws it back in the ocean and says "made a difference to that one." For years that has inspired me no one can do everything but someone can do something. Now on to today's events I have struggled with infertility but more than that it's been really emotional that's what's been hard to deal with. Awhile ago a friend of mine gotta love her suggested that I can find a way to heal by creating my own support group on facebook and invite anyone who has dealt with or is dealing with what I have so no one feels alone. I did and it took awhile I got so frustrated I didn't keep up with it until a miracle happened. A young lady in Liverpool, England of all places messaged me because she couldn't join my group so we have been messaging each other all day long. I then looked and sure enough women have joined so I sent them a welcome message the hope being that we can get to know each other and find a place where we can find support and friendship. I don't mean to toot my own horn that's not what this post is about but it feels amazing to know that just one small act meant the world to someone enough that she was willing to message me from across the ocean even though she didn't know me. It feels amazing to know that I have touched someone's life like others have touched mine. I think that is so important to understand we don't always know how our small acts of kindness affect someone sometimes it's the small things that literally can mean the difference between life and death.

A fitting Tribute

For a long while now I have wanted to honor my father and give him a fitting tribute something our family as well as he would be proud of. It's now been a little over 20 years and now is the time. I feel it strongly as I have been guided and directed especially since there are now 3 of his grandchildren who will never physically know him. I have prayerfully been thinking about this project and everything from the pictures to the music has not been done without prayer and contemplation. I feel as a result inspired and I hope this will show in the final product. Our family is large so I will be happy to give as a present a copy to my mother and siblings as well as grandma and grandpa and my aunts and uncles but further than that you can have a copy but I have to respectfully ask for like 5 bucks to help with costs of DVD's and shipping I'm sorry but I can't afford to send out a ton of DVD's. I have also been so thankful for my husband's love as I prepare myself to do this he is so supportive and I know he will be so helpful as I scan, put this together and get this ready to be distributed. I am also so thankful and I feel so blessed to feel my dad near me as I begin. I know I will be given the strength I need to do this and to make it something beautiful for my family. As a preview I want to include video clips of the songs I have selected for your listening pleasure keep in mind these are in the order they will be played.

A burden is lifted

Damian got his job with Goodwill Industries he starts his probationary period on the 6th of December where he will be working 15 hours a week Monday through Friday. Then after that there will be a negotiation about hours and schedule. We still feel blessed right now something is better than nothing and it's a start you have to start somewhere. Damian has been really benefiting from working with his DVR counselor and Kim he is practically a new man. He is really starting to shine and display to me why I fell in love with him all those years ago I know he has it in him to do this. I also know we have to have faith in Heavenly Father too that things will work out. He led us to this job and as long as Damian gives his best effort we will be fine. It feels so awesome to know that things are falling into place for us as we are getting ever so much closer to being able to add to our family. It has been 11 years almost since we married but I can't accept a childless state it's not because I'm not willing to it's because we both feel inside our hearts that we are missing vital parts of our family that we are meant to be a mother and father to children that were born to parents who for some reason or another can't take care of them.