My Pants are falling off

My pants just about fall off now but in a good way as I have been noticing weight coming off my body. This health scare was a catalyst for that I will admit but all this has been a work in progress for a few years now when I decided to change my mental attitude as well. I was always the shy kid the loner and that haunted me as I was an easy target for bullies on the play ground and even a few misguided teachers who didn't notice shyness just someone who "doesn't get along well with others." I HATE labels because you know for a long time I lived up to them. Then as I got older and more stuff happened I just took on more and more pain and more and more crap and to cope I ate and ate and ate some more. I have always had a strong personality a combo of quirky, easy going, sweet and sassy someone who loves to laugh and have a good time but someone that will fight to the death for someone she cares about but for a long time I hid under my weight and behind it only daring to let those closest to me see me. It was nothing for me to down a whole container of ice cream in one sitting plus an extra large pizza. I tried Weight Watchers and at that time it didn't work for me not because the program is faulty but because I had still to discover something about myself I emotionally eat it that had become my coping mechanism from an early age and until I could conquer that I would only heap on more pounds. That's when a light bulb turned on and I found the courage to look deep inside myself and get all those old fears out of there. I learned to trust myself, make some hard decisions about who was worth keeping in my life and get rid of old guilt and feelings that were holding me back. That's been the secret I also now have supportive people in my circle again who don't sabotage me they support the changes I have started to make. That's how I can stand to eat less and eat more of the right foods and not go crazy when I have a pizza party or want to go out with a friend. I don't need food anymore as a best friend and it's been a pleasant side effect that my pants are starting to fall off. It's been also great to see my personality shining through again and you can see the real me not the shy me not the scared me who hid in a corner living up to the label placed on me in grade school.

Damian's checkup

Damian went to the doctor yesterday and overall the doctor is pleased with his progress his numbers are starting to fall which is very good. He was concerned about Damian's diabetes because when he monitored his blood like he was supposed to he was all over the map doing it all during the day and different times a day not helpful when you need to establish a base reading so for the next week he needs to do it every morning first thing before he eats or drinks anything so that way the doctor can get a base line reading. This is critical because as we naively discovered the slightest thing that he eats can make his number soar so having a base line number will help pin point how it's going. We also shocked the pants of his doctor in a good way yes Damian is on another medication this one to lower his cholesterol some more but we are hoping that's just temporary until we can get it more under control and just until his numbers are more in a range where he isn't a walking corpse but at the same time we don't expect a pill to magically fix everything we know we have to put in effort to take better care of ourselves. This is where Dr. Hinkle is surprised most of his patients just want pills when he suggested dietary and exercise changes he didn't think we would take him seriously so that being said he is going to set Damian up with a diabetic specialist who is going to educate him and me as well on how to better manage the diabetes so it doesn't manage him. He doesn't take that time unless he knows someone is taking him seriously. We still need to work on the exercise but everything is a work in progress we have had to make some massive changes and sometimes you can't make them all at once. We feel better knowing that the sacrifices we are making are working because I will be honest with you we have found substitutions for things and have learned we can still enjoy some things in moderation but there are some things we have to flat out give up it's easier to do that knowing that it's worth it. We still have a rough road ahead as we navigate the holiday season but fortunately for us we have loving and supportive family members who will try and make that as easy on us as possible. We also have been learning that it's not food that dictates a tradition or holiday it's the people we share it with. That being said we are trying to still be careful what we cram in our mouths our health doesn't take a break because it's Thanksgiving or Christmas or New Years. Thanks again for your love and support we were really scared but it's the wake up call I think we both needed that what we had been doing to ourselves was killing us. We have really good medical care for Damian he's getting the help he needs and we are doing better it's a rough road still but the good news is that he's going to make it he's going to live and that's the best gift of all.

One month mark

It's been about a month now since Damian was diagnosed with all his health problems and we started our mission to eat better. We have had some stumbles but we are proud of report that overall we have made drastic changes. We have been more conscious about what gets put in our mouths instead of just cramming in anything and we have not even missed the way we used to eat. We still have a way to go but it's a work in progress and we are in this together. We don't have a scale at home but our clothes are much looser and we can lock arms when we hug each other now something we had never been able to do in the past. We still have other goals to work on but we are proud of the changes we have made such as:
1) Paying more attention to serving sizes and nutrition labels paying attention to how much fat, sodium, sugar, cholesterol and carbohydrates are in what we eat.
2) Not snacking between meals unless Damian feels he needs to for his diabetes and even that is a healthy snack
3) Eating lower fat and lower sodium and cholesterol foods such as egg beaters, turkey sausage and bacon among other things and loving it.
4) Watching our pop consumption and choosing water or other healthy options instead
5) Being watchful of what we put on our sandwich at Subway choosing healthy options and only eating six inches at a time instead of a whole foot.
6) Being wary of our sugar intake
7) Trying to have well balanced meals with more veggies.
There are other changes we still need to make but we are making a lot of progress. We do on occasion enjoy foods we used to like pizza but we try to make sure we don't over do it. I also realized now that greasy foods make me sick now that's a first I used to love those.

Catch up

I've been busy this month between Damian's appointments and keeping up with all that and my own job hunt which has been really fruitful. I basically have two offers right now to sort out one pt and one full time but the full time one won't start until pretty much toward the middle of November and the other will start by the end of the month. The part time one is not definite yet but it's right up my alley as it's telephone surveys and appointment setting for a Farmer's Insurance agent they want me to meet with them next week to go over the script and see if I would be a good fit. Then the next step is to work 9 hours a week for a week or so to really see if it is a good fit then if it is I can work up to 30 hours which is great. I'm also thinking about putting a resume for another part time job during the day time for a place called Soulful Soups down town. I'm thinking that's what I'm probably going to do because the other job lead hit a snag Olsten's the staffing firm it is through wants me to have the job I am qualified according to what Bank of America wanted for their call center here in Spokane however they are dragging their feet so if I get a job between now and the time I hear from them well that's just too bad too sad I have to go with what is definite. The Bank of America one was also only going to be for six months and I have reached a point where I'm ready for more and ready to join the working world on a continual basis. So ya that is what's happening in amongst this has been time with family.

Food for thought

Invictus

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Out of the night that covers me, Black as the Pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be For my unconquerable soul. In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeonings of chance My head is bloody, but unbowed. Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the Horror of the shade, And yet the menace of the years Finds, and shall find, me unafraid. It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll. I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul. William Ernest Henley

Something that has been haunting me

I have had an uneasy feeling since we went to the funeral of a young man who in the prime of his life got so overwhelmed with sadness that he ended his own life. I am uneasy because not many know this well outside my immediate circle and my close friends who were there beside me as I was going through it but that could have been me. I was picked on and bullied my whole life and being shy didn't help at all. I also got overwhelmed when my dad was suddenly killed I love my mom but my dad was one of my best friends he understood me like no one else I have known and a part of me died inside along with him. I tried to hold it all together but I snapped I just couldn't take it anymore I'm not going to lie I thought about committing suicide but not until the end of my 9th grade year that's when life adjustments were the straw that broke the camel's back thank god I didn't follow through there is so much life to live and people I love and would miss but I almost did. I am so thankful to a loving Heavenly Father who sent help for me in the form of professional counselors, teachers, young women leaders, two really great Seminary teachers, family and friends and with time and persistent patience I came through and learned to move forward and deal with the pain inside me. I also learned the bullies were wrong especially with the love I felt of my peers and this was amazing love we hung out together not only every chance we got at school but every two weeks at church dances and other times too. Some of them I had seminary with and that was awesome but what blew me away the most was their love and support and how they weren't ashamed to show it this was the most evident when our senior year came and they did a special assembly to emphasize the dangers of drunk driving I will never forget this but a few kids were singled out with parental permission of course to wear all black and white face they were "dead" they could not speak or be spoken to the parents also got a visit from the police department notifiying them of their child's "death" then at the assembly everyone talked about how they felt and along with that came first hand accounts from people who have experienced it. My friends knowing my story literally surrounded me on those bleachers I had one on either side ready to hold my hand or put their arms around me and those behind me ready to show me their love. It did come down to that at one point I started to cry really really hard so hard I could barely breathe or walk and I was helped to the bathroom. As this was going on a few people dared to make snide remarks like what is her problem it was just some stupid simulation. That's when I heard a male friend say to them her dad died in a car accident caused by a drunk driver so shut up. I remember most how even in a crowded gym they weren't afraid to reach out to me and physically hold me and comfort me and they have done that and continue to do that. I love my family and all those in my life don't get me wrong I need you all too but it's been the constant steady love of my friends who has gotten me through a lot and to this day they are in my life things have changed some as we have grown up and have families of our own but the important things haven't we still have each other's backs. This is a poem I wrote talking about that and I would like to share it I don't share my poetry much but I feel like I want to now I might as well after sharing all this. I feel free now though I don't feel like I'm carrying around a dirty little secret anymore.

Darkness was everywhere I could see

Heaviness and pain completely consuming me

My soul desired to break free and feel light

However, I was quickly losing my fight.

Just when I was about to give in
God sent me help so I could win.

He sent me love in the form of friends

Friends whose love is without end.

Friends who let me borrow their light

And brushed me off it was going to be alright.

It took some time for the pain to subside

But no longer alone I was ready for the ride.

I came through the darkness into the light

Forever thankful for those who aided my fight

Now on to the rest of our lives

Now that we have had some time to get over the shock of his appointment we were not prepared for that things are somewhat better. There are some things that he will have to continue to do for the rest of his life such as take medication and test his blood but there are things we can control and can fix and there's something about feeling empowered that helps. We have been starting to turn our eating habits and exercise habits around. We are eating less and trying to eat more of the right foods and less of the wrong ones and we are starting to move around more and sit still less. It's going to be a work in progress but the good news is that with more of these changes his numbers will drop more into a normal range and he may be able to reduce or eliminate a lot of the medications that right now his doctor says that he needs. We have been making some discoveries along the way that are helping to make this transition easier
1) There are substitutes for foods that he loves that he can still eat and that's making us both happy.
2) That having more veggies and less cheese and sauces on your Subway sandwich actually make it taste so much better along with having it on whole wheat bread the next thing we want to try is honey mustard we are not real mustard fans but it's worth a try.
3) That we aren't going to change all our bad habits over night but as we work at it and start making better choices we are starting to see a difference, our stomachs are beginning to shrink again and we are starting to see a small difference in clothing size as clothes are starting to loosen.
4) Most important that our marriage can survive anything including this added stress and chaos and that we are in this together and that makes these new changes much easier to make although they are still difficult it would be even worse if only one of us was doing the changing.
By the way I am so grateful to our friends and family for their advice, tips and support we appreciate you all and I'm really grateful to a good friend of mine who knows my husband and how much he loves his bacon and eggs because she suggested egg beaters and turkey bacon. Thank you for that so much that was one thing he was not happy about never having again that and pepperoni and now it's nice to know there are options we also found turkey pepperoni as well.