A find!!!!

Today was payday and in addition to paying my bills and other things I found something that I am so fortunate to find. I was given back in the mid 90's a tape of Woman at the Well. I LOVED that tape I knew all the songs I wore it out. The songs gave me chills especially one "Close Enough to Touch." I felt like the songs had been written just for me. Well I had been hunting but couldn't find it until today. I found the MP3 downloads for 9.99 on I Tunes so after telling Damian about it and doing our math with his blessing I got it. I have listened to it twice already tonight. I am so grateful those songs are just as powerful now than then when I was a teenager. I still get chills and I know the Savior lives and he loves us all. Kenneth Cope was inspired to write such beautiful music focusing on the women in the New Testament. I can't get over how wonderful and uplifting it is. I am so happy I have it again and this time I won't let it out of my site it's getting burned onto a CD or two now. I am so so happy to have found this. I wanted to share my favorite song the video isn't anything to look at but it's the words that matter anyway.

It's on like Donkey Kong

Tonight I am a very proud sister. I am so proud of my little sister Gwynne and her decision tonight to walk and attend her graduation ceremony from Spokane Community College. I know it's only a small stepping stone in her education but she earned that degree. Let me put it to you this way it took her about 3 years or so but she also worked full time, went to school full time and had to take intermittent time off to have two babies. Yet she finished and so I'm so proud of her. She is a wonderful role model for her two young girls who were there tonight despite the late hour to watch their mom and cheer for her. She doesn't realize it but she has taught them a wonderful lesson tonight. She has taught them that it's okay to not only be beautiful but to be intelligent, articulate, independent and strong women who stand for what is right. She has taught them to keep going no matter what obstacles may stand in their way and she has taught them to go for their dreams and to follow their hearts. She has inspired me and she issued me a challenge tonight in two years when she gets her BA she wants to celebrate my getting my AA. I decided I want to finish what I started it may have taken longer but that's okay I learned life lessons I really needed to learn. I will get it and then I want to go on to get a BA in Early Childhood. I decided the AAS in that was not going to be good enough. I am going to go for it so she spoke my language I can do this and I won't let my little sis get the best of me lol. It's on like Donkey Kong now and we are going to have one heck of a celebration when I do.

AWESOME!!!!!

I LOVE not having anxiety and now I have learned to let go and let God work in my life. I am saying this because years ago I applied for the company I am working for now, I got the interview but no job. I was bummed but now I am so grateful because you see if I had tried to get it then my anxiety would have gotten the better of me, defeated me and that bridge would have been forever burnt. Now by waiting until my anxiety is being conquered I have an amazing job with amazing pay and I'm rocking it. I'm getting the appointments set that I need to to keep my job. I feel great I feel amazing and I feel truly humbled that I have a loving Father who knows me, sees the whole picture and will work miracles in my life as long as I continue to let him. He wants me to succeed and do well it's only when I got in the way of that that everything got all mucked up. I truly feel so blessed and loved right now. I feel better than I have in many years because now I have gotten all that crap and junk out of my life and out of my head. I can just focus on being my awesome amazing self not that I'm being conceited but what I mean is that I can just be who I am meant to be. I don't need to waste anymore time and anymore of my life trying to be someone I'm not trying to please people who are impossible to please. I can get my life untangled and who knows what other awesome amazing things are in store for me once I do.

My own well being

Things have come to my attention lately that I feel I need to clarify. It was not my intention when I wrote about the bullying to imply that there weren't people in my life who were loving and kind because there was. I wrote that simply to free myself from the negativity that does exist and to perhaps help people understand the harm that allowing someone to be bullied causes. Parts of my self were taken from me when I was denied the right to simply be who I am as a person. I needed to claim that back so I could move forward with my life and be a success. Wonderful things had come my way before but I would self consciously sabotage myself based on what had been drummed into my head for so many years that I wasn't good enough. I had to break that for my life to continue in a more positive path and direction. I got a wonderful call center job now making good money and I will like it there a lot I can tell already. I will not sabotage myself now because I feel I earned my position there and I will do whatsoever is in my power to keep it. I can have the confidence to say that now and to believe it and prove myself. It may mean that I can't attend certain things especially out of town events since I work Friday and Saturday at the moment until I can earn their respect and gain more hours which is a definite possibility. Until then I have to do what it takes to take care of my family and myself even if it means I can't go to things I want to. I have learned now that that anxiety is under control that sometimes that's what it means to be an adult. I have been given this chance and I'm not going to blow it. Who knows I may turn this into a permanent thing if they can give me full time. I'm not going to turn down 12.50 an hour that's decent money. This may not be the path that some may choose for me or want for me but it's not about them it's about what is right for me and my family. I love my loved ones dearly I really do and I appreciate all of you and your impact on my life sometimes though you just have to take care of yourself.

This last weekends events

This weekend has been stressful to say the least but at least it is over. The highlight of the weekend was being able to visit with a distant cousin of Damian's who came over with his mom from Port Angeles for a T.O.P.S Regional Conference thing. In case you are wondering TOPS stands for Taking Off Pounds Sensibly. It was awesome to talk to him and laugh with him although he is a distant cousin he is right around Damian's age but anyway. The rest of the weekend was spent helping Damian's aunt Joy move over to the Auburn area. That was really stressful because it had to be done in a little over a day to a day and a half and not only was anything not packed but she literally did a lot of sitting around whining at us about it. That does not get it done. By the end of Sunday we all wanted to kill her I think. I ran out of my 5-HTP too and that was not good. It is not habit forming and I am able to wean off my dosage but I am learning I need it at least once every other day I need some in my system. I've learned that I can get downright hostile and mean if I don't. Last night I was about ready to frikken kill someone until Dad helped take me to Walmart so I could get some more. The good news is that no one got hurt and I calmed right down. I also realized how much my head hurt and body hurt because it had been put into a fight or flight situation. I don't know what I can do about that I guess since I have been told I have General Anxiety Disorder or whatever it is called my body will do that on occasion if I don't keep at least something in my system in my case 5-HTP. I'm so thankful that I found something that worked though otherwise my fight or flight syndrome I like to call it can last for weeks if not months and that was not good for my body at all. I have also added meditation and relaxation techniques but they don't work as well without any kind of added help. It does feel amazing to feel like I have a handle on this now though and that I can stay in control. For a long time especially before this was diganosed I felt like I was going crazy or something for feeling this way. Let's just hope there are more relaxing moments ahead.