Learning what inner strength really means

This is not a pity party post so please don't read it as such. This is just how I feel right now so I feel like I need to let my feelings out and let them have an outlet. I've been going through a lot of changes in my life lately and as part of that I'm learning to find out who I really am as a person, finding my inner voice and finding my path in life. This has not been an easy process but I feel that I must keep walking. The more I walk though the harder it becomes as I'm starting to see who really does care and who will stick out the journey with me and who was just along for the ride. It's getting harder because these are people I care deeply about and they are starting to drop off leaving me to keep going without them. It's tempting sometimes but I know I can't go back and get them I can't go backward I just have to keep going forward. I know I still have people in my life who love me and care about me deeply it just feels like a lonely long journey sometimes but maybe that is how it has to be right now. Maybe I need to walk alone awhile so that I can figure out how strong I really am as a person. I have to learn to realize this strength in order to prepare me for the wonderful things I want to have. I've just got to keep trekking and what happens happens if it means I walk alone I walk and stand alone. Thankfully I've learned that I can be good company and that I must keep walking with faith in every footstep until I get to the end of the line. I don't know what is ahead of me all I know is that I am on the right path and that I must keep going.

Okay let's go over this ONE more time....

Things have come to my attention lately that I MUST take care of and take care of right away. My job NEVER was and NEVER will be seasonal so the people who are encouraging me to find a more steady job can stop. I love you so don't take this wrong BUT BACK OFF. I told everyone when I started that while we are based in Spokane and do call Spokane that we call other areas all over the state. Spokane gets snow and crappy weather the west side for the most part gets winds and rain storms perfect opportunities for arborists to check out people's trees. GRRRR!!!! I'm sorry I'm trying my best to be patient but does anyone listen to me at all. I don't know how many times I have to repeat myself. It's getting old and it's getting annoying. The other thing is that yes I gave up a second job recently however I had good reason for that. It came to my starting date I was supposed to be appointment setting for insurance agents they had no set script for me no guidelines at all. Heck I didn't even have a clue how many "referrals" I guess you could call it they wanted me to get. That in my experience is a recipe for disaster and told me that they are not together enough to know what they are doing. I did have an interview for another part time job and that is with a company that knows what they are doing and I will know about it next week. Meanwhile I fill in every so often at Evergreen and I only work Friday and Saturday but again pay attention people that's pretty steady has been my shift for going on four months now and I'm good at it. I make 12.50 an hour I can along with Damian's SSI live on the almost 800 dollars I make a month guaranteed. I'm trying to make more so it's not so tight but it would have to be a REALLY REALLY great job or my dream job to get me to give up Evergreen. I love it there, I'm good at what I do and YES it is steady so I know you mean well but I hope this lays this all to rest. I'm getting sick and tired of having to repeat myself. Please pay attention to what I am saying the first time I say it I will no longer repeat myself if you chose not to listen or pay attention.Sorry I will not waste my time and breath from now on when I have been learning to use it and my talents in more productive ways. Another thing my 5-HTP is natural, it's safe, it's non addictive and it's given me my life back and taken away my anxiety. It's because of the 5-HTP that I'm able to be my true authentic self I know it's hard to get used to I had to as well but I am not naturally shy and compliant. I'm a little loud sometimes, a little crazy a little unique I march to the beat of my own drum but you know what that's okay. I also have a heart of gold, have a loyal loving kind heart and now that I'm not having panic attacks all the time I'm ready to start doing what I have to do to take care of things and prepare for the family that Heavenly Father wants to give me. The best thing is NO side effects so ya for as long as it continues to work that's what I will take because until I find something else that does what this does and has no issues that I have to probably also deal with I'm good where I am thank you. I feel better than I have in a long long time and it feels great to have my confidence back and to feel happy and together. I'm no longer going to feel like I have to be sad or anxious all the time that's no way to live. I can't change some things in the past I can't bring back my dad I can't bring back certain things but what I can do is keep on living and keep on trucking. That's what my dad tried to teach me and that's the best way in my opinion to honor him and his legacy he always had a smile and a chuckle or laugh so why can't I? Living in the past isn't going to change anything it's not going to bring him back. I acknowledge openly I have made many mistakes but guess what that's the past I've learned from it and I'm ready to move on. Please stop rubbing them in my face that's the fastest way to get me to no want to deal with you anymore. I need loving supportive people in my life not people who want to rub the past in my nose when I'm learning from it and picking up the pieces and getting back together again. I need people who accept as I am and as I truly was meant to me not my anxious scared of my own shadow self. I need people who are willing to be beside me as I make my journey if you can do all this than welcome but if you can't then step aside and let me pass. There comes a time when someone has to follow their heart, their inner voice and their gut and that time for me as more than passed so I'm listening to it now. My life's still fragmented and will be for awhile I really made a mess but Heavenly Father is guiding me and I'm listening and guess what I feel it in my heart that great things are on the horizon for me if I keep on going. This job is great and a second one will be too but that doesn't mean I am meant to have them forever...maybe they are stepping stones to bigger and better things. I'm not singling anyone out not at all but I am calling you all out. I have to have my own voice I have to be allowed to be who I truly am inside and who I'm meant to be. It was when I wasn't able to be and my fear seized me that I wasn't being true to myself and I was unhappy. Now I'm happy, healthy, confident and strong and losing weight again. Without a diet regimine, weight watchers or much more exercise than the trek to work I'm down to a size 24 pretty comfortably down from over 300lbs and a size 30W when I started. The 24's were bought about two weeks ago and they are kinda getting a little loose so again amazing things happen when someone is happy and allowed the room to be who they really truly are.

Songs that have been running through my head

Lately these songs have been running through my head the lyrics have spoken to me and my heart as I strive hard to move forward learning from the past and then letting it go and moving forward. It's not easy to do but I must keep moving forward I'm on the verge of great things I can just feel it I can't stop now even as it gets harder. That just tells me I'm on the right track now I'm on the right course and I must keep going.