Learning to not run faster than I have strength

Things with my weight loss and other things are on the back burner right now. For one simple reason until my anxiety can get back in check everything else won't matter. I'm an anxious eater so managing my weight when I'm trying to just hold together won't do anything. I learned something recently however from a wonderful Heavenly Father who loves me and knows me better than I know myself. I've been prompted lately that I'm stronger than I give myself credit for but that I also have to be careful to not run faster than I have strength to run. What that means is that its not wise for me to keep trying to keep everything together or reach out and be the first to give comfort to everyone. Occasionally I need to take time out for me too to have some down time. I've been following that counsel and sometimes I still freak out sometimes my anxious feelings still run amok and they will until I can get some medicine hopefully sooner rather than later. However, its wonderful to get some relief and some sleep at night. Its wonderful to not have constant heart palpitations and feel like you can't catch a breath. Its wonderful to not have racing thoughts 24/7. I've been learning that I can't do it all and that's okay that I don't have to. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ucPMjp9drOE

The drought is over

This song is called "Women at the Well" by Kenneth Cope. There is one way to explain what I've been feeling spiritually....thirsty. I hadn't intended to stray away I hadn't intended to go inactive it just happened a little at a time until before long I was in a spiritual drought. Now that the rains have come again I can't get enough. I can't get enough of the scriptures, of prayer, of church. I can't get enough and it feels like I'll never get full again. I know I will but you know what I mean, I'm so thirsty that I'm soaking up every little bit of living water I can get. I did find something that I hadn't counted on....the healing power of my Savior and his atonement. I knew that he had atoned for our sins, I understood that part but I didn't understand that he also suffered so he can be our healing balm. He has healed my heart and healed me in so many ways. I'm so thankful for him and his living water. I'm so thankful that my Shepard didn't forget us and he sent so many to help us come back to the fold. I'm thankful for him and that he did suffer and atone for us so that he can reach us no matter where we are. None of us are out of his reach if we take the first steps and reach up to him.

Broken

I found this song by accident and decided to give it a listen. Kenneth Cope put into words excellently everything I had been feeling in the depths of my soul. For a long time I felt broken nothing was right. I had a restless anxious spirit, I couldn't add righteous sons or daughters to God's army on Earth. I felt broken and let that get to me to the point where I withdrew feeling like I had nothing to give. Then when I heard this song called "Broken" I've learned the Lord doesn't care if I'm considered broken because he loves me and he can fix anything. He sees past my restlessness and my impatience he doesn't care if I'm not a baby factory he sees my potential and what I can become. I wanted to share this beautiful song with you all and I hope you are touched by it. 

My Gold to Refine

These last few months I've been pondering and piecing together the reasons why I went through so much in my younger years. Why I had to suffer and go through so much pain. Its just been now over 20 years later that I see the why. My Lord was preparing me for a place in his kingdom, I was needed and I had to be properly prepared. I used to write poems all the time but hadn't in years...due to just not feeling inspired. Well, I wrote one this morning from my heart letting my Master know I understand his purpose for everything he had me suffer. I don't hold any grudges in my heart, it was all to prepare me for my mission here in this life. He needed me to grow and struggle.

 Lord,Lord it is too much too much I used to say

It is too much the burden, the price I've had to pay. 

Why why would you take so much from me

My dad, my friends, sometimes my dignity. 

Sometimes it seemed he wouldn't answer my why,

Late into the sleepless nights wouldn't hear my cries.

What I didn't yet see in my flawed mind

Was that my Lord, my Master had his own design.

All of this was to help my gold to refine.

I couldn't see the times he silenced all my fears

The friends, loved ones sent to wipe my tears

I was too busy whining to yet understand

This was all part of his master plan.

My suffering was not in vain

His son had too suffered, he knew my pain.

Out of my pain there were ways to grow,

Things to learn things to know.

I try to keep this in my mind,

Everytime my gold needs refined.

Moving was the best decision ever!!!

Now that the honeymoon phase is somewhat over and we've gotten to enjoy our apartment for the last few months, I can still tell you we love it. We love our cozy, warm little place. It was wonderful to have a weeks worth of cold artic weather and still only have our power bill be 100 bucks. That hasn't happened in years, in the trailer it would have been probably around 400 if not more. We were thrilled. Its wonderful to be so close to everything and its a nice bonus to be close to a good friend of mine from work, we're able to see each other a bit more often outside of work. We also have been loved and embraced in our new ward just as we are we don't have to be anything different. It feels wonderful to feel like we don't have to be anyone we really aren't. I felt comfortable bearing my testimony for the first time in a long time knowing I wasn't being judged. I love this gospel and I love this church, that was never why we went inactive. We went inactive because we didn't ever feel like we fit in with anyone or anywhere. Here we do, it doesn't matter if we have kids don't have kids whatever. They love and take us as we are and have been praying for us and nourishing us so we can make it back to the temple. That's also what we love and appreciate this is important to us and we asked for their help and support and prayers and the response is overwhelming. We can't even begin to take it all in. We have no doubts that this is where the Lord placed us for a purpose and a reason. Its feeling incredible to be in a ward and in a place where you feel so loved. I felt miserable when I had to miss a couple weeks of church. It felt wonderful to come back, like I was back with friends. I think that is how it is supposed to be and supposed to feel.