He who is without sin cast the first stone

I wasn't going to do this but some events have happened lately that have really gotten me steamed. It seems that in some opinions if Damian or I make a mistake like we have in the past then we get to have those mistakes rubbed in our faces while everyone else is free to make as many as they like. Am I the only one who feels that is messed up? Granted Damian has had a hard time getting and keeping a job in the past but does that mean he is doomed to never being able to hold a job for as long as he lives? I don't think so. He admitted he had issues and problems and guess what he has been taking steps to correct those issues and problems and learn to handle the world so he can go out there and get and KEEP a job. Get off his back all ready. I'm proud of him for reaching a point where he stopped quitting on himself and acknowledged he needed help and more importantly for getting it so he can reach a place where he is not only ready but willing to work to provide for his family. I think that behavior should be encouraged not discouraged by reminding him of past blunders. As for me I know I have flunked out of college and when I went back the second time I had to bow out for financial reasons I am well aware of this fact. I don't need anyone telling me when I tell them my dreams of going back and finishing rubbing this in my face. My not finishing college was not due to any lack of intelligence on my part it was downright immaturity plain and simple. I had been so accustomed to a strict classroom environment that the freedom college offered was too new for me so instead of acting like an adult and studying and doing what I needed to do I went off to goof around at the library on the internet or didn't show up at all for class. That was my fault and I take responsibility for that but I was 18-20 for Pete's sake which I'm not anymore let it go. I have the maturity level for college I have since lived in the real world with bills and responsibilities and crappy jobs. Did it ever occur to anyone that if I went back and fulfilled my passion in life and was able to teach in a daycare that I would be happy and that I could better take care of my family than by working a mediocre minimum wage job. Did it occur to anyone to be positive and support my efforts to better myself and my life? Did it occur to anyone that we might need encouragement and support instead of having our past rubbed in our faces? We are trying to change our lives and ourselves. I also feel that no one is perfect why is it that we allow for that in our interactions with people we take them for who they are mistakes and all. You know we may just want the same courtesy.

At Peace

It's taken me most of the 29 years that I have been alive to say this but I am FINALLY at peace with myself and what I have to offer the world. I have always been an intensely emotional high strung person and that has been both a blessing and a curse. I have had to learn to harness and embrace that meanwhile keeping my sanity...it's been a balancing act but I can proudly say that I am in balance. I have learned to not let other people's feelings about me effect how I feel because to be perfectly honest there isn't anything I can do to change their opinion anyway. For a long time I practically killed myself trying and it honestly feels good to be not running around like crazy begging people to like me when I have just realized that even one honest to goodness friend is worth it's weight in gold and I have been blessed with more than a few so I'm more than happy with the way it is who cares what everyone else thinks. I also have learned to balance my needs with the needs to my friends and husband so that they feel loved and cared for but so am I. For a long time I felt so guilty taking time for myself but I had to realize that I'm not any good to anybody if I am worn out and exhausted so I take occasional "me" time without guilt and along with that I have learned to place boundaries and limits and to occasionally say no. It's been hard to learn how to do since I want to help everybody all the time but I had to learn that there are some situations where I can't. I have learned to honestly and completly trust in God and in his will and plan for my life. I haven't realized until now how much energy I have wasted fighting him and struggling to be in control only to mess everything up and have to go back and ask him to help me fix it anyway. It's been so much easier to prayerfully and with humble soul searching seek his will and plan for my life and then follow it even if I don't yet understand where the path is leading me. In return I have found an inner peace and calmness that has been lacking....I have found a happy marriage and relationship with my best friend and husband...I have found healthy and strong friendships based on love, trust and compassionate understanding where I know they are there for me just as I am for them. I have found personal growth as I have learned to understand myself and why I do what I do. I have found a voice I have learned to speak up for what I need and want without fear of what someone else will say or how they will react. I can say that for the first time in my life I am at peace and I know that I can maintain this peace so long as I continue to practice the lessons that have taken me so long to learn. I can learn to harness my gifts of empathy and compassion and love so that I can manage them and they aren't managing me.

Damian's Progress

Yesterday Damian had another counseling session but I didn't get to know how it worked out until he had gotten home last night after his ham radio meeting. I was on pins and needles because this was an important appointment for two reasons 1) he was going to be getting a progress report to see how often he needed to keep going and 2) he was going to check on being able to have his cat become his therapy animal officially. I am so happy to say that Cloud is officially his therapy animal Damian has paperwork that we will carry with us so they NEVER have to be parted. This may sound trivial but I have lived with Damian's bipolar for two years now or so and I have seen first hand how him having his cat helps him. Sometimes ALL he wants is his cat and that's it. Cloud gives him unconditional love only asking to be petted he is sensitive to Damian's moods and he also gives Damian motivation to get up and take care of him even when he doesn't want to get out of bed. I'm so thankful they will NEVER have to be parted. I have no doubt now that although Cloud started off living with Damian's brother and our sister in law Danielle that he was meant to be with Damian. Secondly, Damian has been making HUGE progress and HUGE strides he still has work to do but she is starting to feel confident that after a couple of more months and with some support systems in place Damian MAY be able to forgo more counseling sessions for awhile. I'm so happy and proud of him for taking these HUGE steps in his life. I know it hasn't been easy for him but I know it's because of this counseling that he is becoming the man I always knew he could be. He's real personality is coming out and it's warped and he has a interesting sense of humor but I LOVE that. I love how unique he is and how kind he is and now that he's not hurting as bad I love how kind and sensitive he is to me and how much he is starting to show me that he can start carrying our burdens or at least help me start carrying them.

Friends are WONDERFUL!!!

I have been so blessed my whole life with friends that have been so wonderful and giving and kind and who have done so much for me and I haven't always appreciated it as I should. Well, I certainly do now after having several fake friends who really could care less about you as long as they got what they wanted and needed. Well thankfully I have had a second chance with many of them and I have been so thankful for that. Today out of the blue a long lost friend took me out to Azteca so we could eat and chat before she and kids leave for Oklahoma. It was so good to see her and catch up and that's when I realized that if I had been a more vigilant friend in the first place I would have NEVER let 8 years pass by without seeing her or speaking to her. I made a vow right then and there that I would NEVER do that again. I gave her my phone number, blog, email and her husband is one of my facebook friends so I made sure to cover ALL my bases. As I have grown up and gone through my life I'm realizing how much of an asset a REAL friend is someone who knows you and loves you anyway and you don't have to pretend to be someone you aren't. I have been realizing how blessed I have truly been to have had friends who just aren't party buddies and once high school is done so is the friendship my friends are tried and true pals who have seen me at my lowest and at my highest they have nursed me through heartache and have celebrated my successes. They are what a friend is defined as being and I have decided that I am going to do more to let them know I appreciate all they have done for me. I can't thank them enough but I can be better about keeping them in my life and making sure they know that I value them and their time and their love and friendship.

It's been a bumpy road

Lately things have been happening for the better but I would be lying if I said that the changes have come easily or without some stretching and discomfort and sometimes even pain. Sometimes change is painful before it brings about good things. Change has also been coming REALLY fast and Damian and I both are scared by that sometimes. We want to stop it but we know we can't and that in the end the changes that are coming are for the better in so many wonderful ways. So, I have had to learn to rely on my faith and I have had to ask for strength to handle this bumpy road we are being asked to travel. All I got in reply was hang on it will be a wild ride but that was all I needed. I have been taken on many bumpy roads and have been asked to travel many rough seas in my life so far and each time I have had faith it would be for my good and every time it has been so I don't see how this time should be any different. I rediscovered this video again and it is so relevant God will make a way even when you don't see one....He will help you find a way to make things work out the way that they need to work out. Sometimes it's even just comforting to know that you are NEVER left alone even when it's not the smoothest path you are being taken on.

Wonderful Changes are taking place

Damian's been making tremendous progress lately with his counseling. I'm proud of him actually and it's working his bipolar episodes are getting shorter and it's only been a couple of months. He is happier and we are starting to be able to have a normal healthy marriage which is something we both want. The best news of all is that his counselor is confident that as long as he continues counseling on a weekly or bi weekly basis that he will be able to find and KEEP a job and that he MAY be able to control his bipolar symptoms with as little medication as possible. That is wonderful news for us and for him I'm noticing HUGE differences all ready and it's just been a few months. It was hard at first just because Damian had been used to having defenses up but now that those are gone we have been able to be close again as a couple and a family. I am so proud of him and the changes he has decided to make to be happy and healthy.

Who Knew?????

Tonight was the BBQ for my father in law at mom and dad's house.....we had a feast actually. Mom made a macaroni salad which was quite good...my mom makes a mean macaroni salad but I think this one was slightly better. I made a broccoli salad which was a hit and it turned out like my mom makes so that is a compliment!!!! We also had meat and corn so there was enough food. During dinner and afterwards mom and I shared a unique bonding experience....she plays mafia wars and yoville on facebook and so do I so we shared that tonight. I showed her some things and we shared some good laughs checking out other people's houses on yoville who LOVE to stockpile LOTS of stuff. It was kinda fun. I won't go as far to say that things are perfect or that we will see eye to eye on everything but it's a step in the right direction. Who knew that I could use facebook as a bonding experience lol but I will take what I can get for Damian's sake. His mother is a good person but her children her sons especially are the apple of her eye and this has been a cause of contention because she hasn't wanted to let go of the apron strings but today was a step and all in all it was a good day and I will take it. I will take what I can. I am not going to give up on her though....I am not expecting us to be the best of friends that may never happen but what I would like is for us to have a relationship where we can have peaceful conversations and family gatherings so her son doesn't feel like he is stuck in the middle of two women he loves so much and so if we have children someday that she can still be a part of their lives and we can reach a state of coexistence.

We Have Each Other

Events have happened in our lives lately that have really tested our resolve to each other and our marriage. That's why I have been on edge and nervous....Damian used to accidentally put me on the back burner in situations like this before and ever since we have gotten back together our marriage has gotten stronger than ever and if we had gone back to the way it was I don't think I could handle it too well. I'm so happy right now to say that he has stood firm and has put me first and started making it clear to EVERYONE in his life that we are a package deal and if they don't like it well that's just too darn bad. This song is for him and to remind him that no matter what happens we will ALWAYS have each other. I love you and I'm going to be your girl forever and ever.

Father in Law's Birthday

Today is my father in law's birthday and so far he hasn't answered his phone so we can wish him a happy birthday. We are having a BBQ on Saturday to celebrate and I'm looking forward to it, I'm going to bring some salads over Damian's mom asked me to bring our own meat but I'm going to bring something else over to help feed everyone. Dad didn't want much so we got him some sunflower seeds....I hope he likes them. I didn't know until today how much Damian is like his dad but that's for another post.

I'm grateful for Facebook

I am really grateful for facebook for a couple of simple but wonderful reasons the first being that I can communicate better with many of my family members who have accounts and second it has allowed me to come back into contact or stay in contact with many of my friends. I have always been a shy person for the most part and have had to work on that my whole life but I haven't realized until now how many friends a shy person can have. Yesterday I met up with my friend Stanna from highschool at the Spokane Valley Rosauers although the NEXT time we meet we will be specific as to where she was inside waiting for twenty minutes I was outside waiting for twenty minutes no I'm not kidding. We went to her apartment for awhile so I could meet her husband and three kids and we got along well it was like we had always known each other. Then the kids were driving her nuts come to find out she is a stay a home mom so her husband booted us out for awhile so we could just do something by ourselves. Ahhh, what a sweet husband!!! We just hung out at the mall, she introduced me to crisp bean burritos and they are so good better than the beef ones and I'm a BIG meat eater and we shared some cheesy tots that way we didn't feel guilty for each eating a whole one. Then we just walked the mall and talked it was really fun. We had kinda been friends in highschool more of a friend of a friend deal but lately we have been catching up and talking and have been realizing how much we have in common. I also have been figuring out that there is also a reason why Heavenly Father has decided that now is the time for my friends to come back into my life. In this case, Stanna needs my help to try and convince a mutual friend that her life is worth living she has always had issues with her self esteem but in the last several years she is hanging on to life but just by a thread, in fact I thought she was dead and I was worried that she might be because when I saw her a few years ago she was small and frail and scared of her own shadow. When Stanna told me she was alive I asked this friend of ours to add me as a friend on facebook so I can message her and talk to her. I hope she does and I hope that between Stanna and I we can convince her that life is worth living and that she needs to stop being a prisioner in her own home and find a counselor that will listen to her needs and will help her. We can't do everything for her but we can be friends and we can love her and help her understand that even if she doesn't think she is worth it we think she is and that we think she is worth our time and effort. All I can do is pray that she can hang on long enough and that somehow someway we can get a breakthrough.