I was up this morning watching tv and surfing the internet when I discovered something that made me laugh really hard. I was watching nature on PBS as there is not much on in the wee hours of the morning well anyway my kitten Nermal decided that she was going to watch too she even got up on top of a tv tray that my laptop computer sits on when I am not using it and intently watched the tv screen. She even went as far to meow and paw at the screen. We have had the tv on before and she doesn't even notice but for some reason she likes animal programs I guess as she watched intently for the whole hour the show was on. She kept pawing and meowing as if that would help her get into the tv.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
It's time I start taking care of me
I have been realizing ever so slowly that I have a really hard time taking care of myself and this has been causing me some problems. I have gotten fatter over the years because I don't take the time for myself that I should to eat better and exercise and I love being there for everyone in my life so much that I tend to forget to take time for myself once in awhile to just relax and enjoy whatever it is that I enjoy doing. However, I have decided that as much as I love everyone who is in my life I need to love myself too so that means more of a balance I will find time to learn how to eat healthier and time to get exercise and time to take a breather. I figure if I have time to watch tv for hours on end in the evening I should have time to make better choices. One of my first goals is to buy an exercise bike I saw on online at target.com that is supposed to be smaller so that will help since I don't have a lot of space. I'm figuring that I can get started with that and go from there. I also have plans to make the money work so I can get back to Weight Watcher's and also get into step aerobics again. I used to do step aerobics and I really enjoyed doing it although traditional aerobics is still torture for me I am not coordinated enough. I think this time I will succeed where I failed before because this time I'm doing this for me and my health and well being and this time I'm not going to let myself get sabotaged. I am realizing that my current weight for my height is not good and that I'm the only one that can do something about it no one is going to do it for me.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Planning ahead for 10 year anniversary
Damian and I are celebrating our 9th wedding anniversary this June we can't believe that we have been married that long already. Where does the time go? It honestly seems just like yesterday that we were a giddy bride and groom standing outside the temple on our wedding day. Wow time flies I guess. Anyway, we are gearing up for a much bigger anniversary our 10 year and we decided that we want to do something really special something to make that anniversary one that will be not forgotten. We decided that we are going to renew our wedding vows in an intimate ceremony in Hawaii just the two of us. It's not a second wedding and although there will be a minister there we are already married so we will just reaffirm our love for one another and that person will be there just for formality sake. We chose Hawaii because we want to have a romantic spot to do this. I found a website that will arrange everything for us and because it's NOT a wedding we can wear whatever we want and while we both could wear swimsuits we aren't comfortable being that casual so we have elected for me to wear a nice dress probably in a soft pastel color and for Damian to wear a white hawaiian style shirt and khaki slacks. We are planning on just a simple vow renewal ceremony and some pictures nothing too over done or over the top since the idea is just to recommit to each other. We want to do this mainly because we almost didn't make it and we want to celebrate that we did. We want to also FINALLY get a matching wedding set and save it to give to one another there in Hawaii since we were idiots and gave away the rings we did have. We found out that we can reserve the date June 24th 2010 if all goes well with a 100 dollar deposit and have until May 2010 to pay the rest I can handle that. We are also discovering since everything is being kept so simple that we can afford to do this so I'm really really getting excited. We think this will be something we can look back on with fondness ALTHOUGH I know it will NEVER replace the memories we have of being married in the Spokane temple and the feelings we felt there I think it will just build on it and be another memory for us to treasure for the rest of our lives.
Friday, February 20, 2009
An apology for all the grief I may have caused my friends in the past
This post is dedicated to ALL my friends but especially the ones that were there for me during my worse moments the moments when so much hurt was inside me so deep that it came out in bursts of rage and they could have thrown up their hands and said "I give up I'm done" but fortunately they had enough fortitude and insight to ride out the tempests with me and the storms got worse before they got better but they rode them out until it was clear sailing and fair weather. I'm saying this because I know am in the position they had been in years ago. Damian has lots of unresolved hurt inside him that is over 20 years old well long ago i was just starting to scrap the surface and accidently would trigger something of that old pain well today I went deeper. I was going to stop but like an irritant irritates an oyster I knew I had to irritate him just enough to let the storm rage. This sounds like I was being cruel but I prayed about it first and remembered that the formula for rage like his is simple PAIN + TIME =ANGER that and I know this because prior to the outburst he had gone into detail about some of his childhood and it must have triggered a painful memory and if he is like me at all it's easier for it to come out as anger. I must have gotten deeper this time because it was a bad storm but I was okay he is NOT a violent person he was reacting the same way I had done with my friends who were my catalyst that got me to vent all my pain out. Afterwards we talked and I told him all about my experiences and how he needs to get this out of him before it eats him alive and he can't just push it down and that he can get it out with anger but that it just might be easier to talk about it and get it out with tears instead. Damian thanked me for not leaving him and for still loving him and it was hard I admit but now I think I appreciate my friends more especially the ones who rode out my tempests with me and waited for the storms to blow through. Thanks so so much you are all godsends I love you all
Monday, February 16, 2009
An interesting thing happened to me tonight
Something interesting happened to me tonight that I want to blog about I don't know what to make of it really. I was just sitting at home and it was 8 o'clock time for one of my guilty pleasures on Monday nights The Bachelor well anyway it had just started when I hear a knock on my door. I open it carefully since I am home alone and I see a teenage girl on my front porch who wants to borrow a phone. I don't have a problem with that so I let her in and she calls her best friend who lives next door whom she was trying to visit and finds out she won't be home for awhile well she doesn't want to turn right around and go home so she asks me if she can hang out for about 20 minutes or so and just wait. I told her that was fine and she takes a seat and she just started talking to me. I felt bad for the girl she put on a brave tough girl front but underneath all that she told me I saw a troubled girl who is lost and searching for something. We talked quite a bit and she told me all kinds of things and told me that her mom is cool and all that but doesn't really get her. I listened and before I knew it her friend had come and she had left right before she did though she asked if she could come and see me again sometime so I told her that was okay. I still don't know what to make of it or how she even knew to come to my door because I had forgotten to turn my porch light on and there is no car in the driveway. I know better though to know it isn't a coincidence I just wonder why this girl was directed to my home and I am going to pray for her and hope that whatever reason it was that she found what she needed.
An outlet for my frustrations
Lately I have found an outlet for all my anger and frustrations, Damian found an old computer game he got years ago called Quake 2 and basically the point of the game is to kill or be killed you run around and find various types of weapons and try and outthink your opponent. I didn't think I would like playing usually this type of game is not my thing at all but I like playing. Damian and I play all the time and sometimes we take turns killing each other (just in the game LOL) but tonight he added a couple of players from his other computers and they were kinda of like target practice. We played for a couple of hours but then we quit too much is not good. I have found though that by playing for a little while once in awhile I get all my frustrations and anger out and I can go back to be calm and rational again.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
You Know You are an old married couple when.......
Today is Valentine's Day and honestly we have really not given it too much thought aside from each of us sending a virtual card and some virtual flowers. We still love each other and are HAPPILY married but we have been married awhile and this has become kind of a joke among some of my relatives and friends so since I am good humored I compiled this list :
You Know You Are An Old Married Couple When.......
1) You can sleep peacefully with our without your spouse in the same bed much less the same room
2) You can go the whole day without really touching one another and can survive
3) You can trust them completely and you don't have to tail their every move
4) They tell you that they are going away for awhile on a trip for example a father and son thing and you do a happy dance and plan a girl's only outing.
5) Valentine's Day means lounging around in old pajamas that evening eating leftovers and possibly watching a movie
6) Your spouse does normal every day tasks for you like taking out the trash without being asked and that gets classified into being romantic
7)You feel comfortable letting out bodily functions around each other without feeling completely mortified.
8) You seem to know each other so well that sometimes it seems like you can tune into each others brain waves
9) You feel so comfortable that you don't feel like you have to go all out to be the perfect spouse
10) You get brave enough so that when your husband tells you that he doesn't want to eat what you have made for dinner instead of making him something he will like you tell him the kitchen's closed and he can fend for himself
11) You feel like you can just hang out in a pair of ratty old sweats and t shirt or a pair of over sized flannel pajama bottoms and t shirt and know that your spouse loves you anyway
12) Your husband says "yes dear" like he's a robot programmed to say this automated response at each and every request
Happy Valentines Day to everyone out there. By the way I was being silly for the most part although Damian and I have experienced some things on this list we still really do enjoy being together and spending equal times together as well as a part. However, we do know some married couples that have been married 30 something years plus and they are guilty of everything on this list but on the other hand others act as if they are still giddy newlyweds. Having seen both all joking and kidding aside I really do hope that Damian and I can be more in love than the day we met when we reach our 50 + wedding anniversary.
You Know You Are An Old Married Couple When.......
1) You can sleep peacefully with our without your spouse in the same bed much less the same room
2) You can go the whole day without really touching one another and can survive
3) You can trust them completely and you don't have to tail their every move
4) They tell you that they are going away for awhile on a trip for example a father and son thing and you do a happy dance and plan a girl's only outing.
5) Valentine's Day means lounging around in old pajamas that evening eating leftovers and possibly watching a movie
6) Your spouse does normal every day tasks for you like taking out the trash without being asked and that gets classified into being romantic
7)You feel comfortable letting out bodily functions around each other without feeling completely mortified.
8) You seem to know each other so well that sometimes it seems like you can tune into each others brain waves
9) You feel so comfortable that you don't feel like you have to go all out to be the perfect spouse
10) You get brave enough so that when your husband tells you that he doesn't want to eat what you have made for dinner instead of making him something he will like you tell him the kitchen's closed and he can fend for himself
11) You feel like you can just hang out in a pair of ratty old sweats and t shirt or a pair of over sized flannel pajama bottoms and t shirt and know that your spouse loves you anyway
12) Your husband says "yes dear" like he's a robot programmed to say this automated response at each and every request
Happy Valentines Day to everyone out there. By the way I was being silly for the most part although Damian and I have experienced some things on this list we still really do enjoy being together and spending equal times together as well as a part. However, we do know some married couples that have been married 30 something years plus and they are guilty of everything on this list but on the other hand others act as if they are still giddy newlyweds. Having seen both all joking and kidding aside I really do hope that Damian and I can be more in love than the day we met when we reach our 50 + wedding anniversary.
Deciding to celebrate being a woman
I have been really thinking the last few days about my status as a woman especially since I am a woman in a very motherhood and family oriented religion. For a long time this has plagued me because as I am childless I felt personally that I didn't measure up somehow or I wasn't good enough. However, that changed for me recently as I have realized that I am a daughter of Heavenly Father and that he loves me and well if he loves me and thinks I'm good enough as I am then that is good enough for me. I also have realized that somethings that are natural in women such as love and kindness isn't just for motherhood but can be used in other areas. So I am beginning to see that although I still grieve about not being a mother and I still hope and pray for a miracle and I still feel anger when people see fit to judge a situation they know NOTHING about that I can still celebrate being a woman and womanhood. My sister in law Dani has been dealing with infertility as well and she and I have been bonding lately over our similar experiences and we have decided that instead of moping around Mother's Day and just going through the motions to honor the mom's in our lives that we are going to get up and stop moping and celebrate just being women. We know this won't completely erase the pain in our hearts that comes when something that is badly wanted isn't happening BUT it will raise our spirits and give us a break because although we dearly love the men in our lives they are still men and can drive us up the wall. She had a great idea to see a chic flick or do something that we will enjoy that we know our husbands wouldn't. I told her that is just fine with me and we just might make this an annual tradition. I love all you moms out there I really do so don't be offended but celebrating just being a woman is the best I can do right now.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Getting to know you
Welcome to the new 2009 edition of getting to know your family and friends. Here is what you are supposed to do, and try not to be lame and spoil the fun. Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then send this to a bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person who sent it to you. Some of you may get this several times; that means you have lots of friends. The easiest way to do it is to hit 'forward' so you can change the answers or copy and paste. Have fun and be truthful!I want to see your answer.
1.What is your occupation right now?Selling Cutco
2.What color are your socks right now? not wearing any just fuzzy slippers
3.What are you listening to right now? my husband playing Quake 2 all the way in our back room way down the hall
4.What was the last thing that you ate? Life Cereal
5.Can you drive a stick shift? No, wish I could.
6.Last person you spoke to on the phone?My hubby
7.Do you like the person who sent this to you? Of course!
8.How old are you today? 28 yrs 10 months
9.What is your favorite sport to watch on TV? Football
10.What is your favorite drink?Cream Soda
11.Have you ever dyed your hair? Honestly I can say no I haven't
12.Favorite food?That is really a toss up I like all kinds of food
13.What is the last movie you watched?Pride and Prejudice with Colin Firth all 5 hours!!! Awww nothing like a good old fashioned love story
14.Favorite day of the year? Christmas
15.How do you vent anger?ha ha ha...you don't want to know....
16.What was your favorite toy as a child?My cabbage patch dolls and barbie tolls I had a whole bunch of both
17.What is your favorite season?it's a toss up between fall and spring I love moderate temperatures not too hold not too cold
18.Cherries or Blueberries?Yuck!!!!! I don't like either one
19.Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? considering this is on a blog, how about re posting it?
20.Who is the most likely to respond?I have no clue
21.Who is least likely to respond? Again no clue
22.Living arrangements? We live in a two bedroom trailer
23.When was the last time you cried? today a couple of times
24.What's on the floor of your closet? a laundry hamper and some stacked boxes
25.Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending to? Well if they read this it's honestly a toss up between my cousin lissa and Jandre. I have known them both a really long time
26.What did you do last night? Watched The Bachelor
27.What are you most afraid of? Snakes
28.Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? I love cheeseburgers with mayo and ketchup and sometimes lettuce and onion.
29.Favorite dog breed? Golden Retriever
30.Favorite day of the week? Friday or Saturday, whenever we get to have a whole day together
31.How many states have you lived in? Just Washington
32.Diamonds or pearls?Diamonds
33.What is your favorite flower? Red Roses
1.What is your occupation right now?Selling Cutco
2.What color are your socks right now? not wearing any just fuzzy slippers
3.What are you listening to right now? my husband playing Quake 2 all the way in our back room way down the hall
4.What was the last thing that you ate? Life Cereal
5.Can you drive a stick shift? No, wish I could.
6.Last person you spoke to on the phone?My hubby
7.Do you like the person who sent this to you? Of course!
8.How old are you today? 28 yrs 10 months
9.What is your favorite sport to watch on TV? Football
10.What is your favorite drink?Cream Soda
11.Have you ever dyed your hair? Honestly I can say no I haven't
12.Favorite food?That is really a toss up I like all kinds of food
13.What is the last movie you watched?Pride and Prejudice with Colin Firth all 5 hours!!! Awww nothing like a good old fashioned love story
14.Favorite day of the year? Christmas
15.How do you vent anger?ha ha ha...you don't want to know....
16.What was your favorite toy as a child?My cabbage patch dolls and barbie tolls I had a whole bunch of both
17.What is your favorite season?it's a toss up between fall and spring I love moderate temperatures not too hold not too cold
18.Cherries or Blueberries?Yuck!!!!! I don't like either one
19.Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? considering this is on a blog, how about re posting it?
20.Who is the most likely to respond?I have no clue
21.Who is least likely to respond? Again no clue
22.Living arrangements? We live in a two bedroom trailer
23.When was the last time you cried? today a couple of times
24.What's on the floor of your closet? a laundry hamper and some stacked boxes
25.Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending to? Well if they read this it's honestly a toss up between my cousin lissa and Jandre. I have known them both a really long time
26.What did you do last night? Watched The Bachelor
27.What are you most afraid of? Snakes
28.Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? I love cheeseburgers with mayo and ketchup and sometimes lettuce and onion.
29.Favorite dog breed? Golden Retriever
30.Favorite day of the week? Friday or Saturday, whenever we get to have a whole day together
31.How many states have you lived in? Just Washington
32.Diamonds or pearls?Diamonds
33.What is your favorite flower? Red Roses
Monday, February 9, 2009
Some things I need to say
I know this isn't a comfortable subject to talk about but I really need to get some things off my chest right now. I am infertile meaning I can't easily get pregnant perhaps not at all. I haven't waited almost nine years to conceive on purpose I can't and may never be able to. I have learned to deal with it although over the years I have experienced a lot of grief and heartache many times crying so hard I can hardly breath wondering out loud why when I would love a child so much that I have been denied when there are people out there abusing and killing their children. I also have spent Mother's Day's in bed huddled in the fetal position crying because it's just to painful to see the proud mom's listen to their primary kids singing primary songs especially knowing that I could have had a child that age by now. I love my nieces and nephews dearly I really and truly do and I am learning to accept that I may never be a mother or maybe I will I don't know for sure that will be up to Heavenly Father to decide as any baby that will come into our family will be a literal miracle. However, I am sick of people who mean well telling me the wrong things so a friend of mine who is also struggling with infertility found this article and I want to share it with you. Please understand I am not trying to hurt anyone I just want to share some things with you that you can do to help me out and help me not feel like an alien for not having a baby. I have heard it all from members of my family to other church members even one bishop we had who I'm sure meant well. I have heard it all from just relax and it will happen to well if it was meant to be it will be to even being accused somehow of sinning and having God's wrath upon me. I know none of this is true but it still hurts when this is said. For some reason right now I have a medical condition that prevents me from having a family and if I didn't have it I would have had children probably at least a couple of them by now. So anyway please read this article and keep it in mind in not just talking with me but others as well you don't know the whole situation so before you speak try and walk a mile in their shoes first thanks. By the way I am not in anyway meaning to imply that I don't love hearing about any of you who have children and how they are doing, I can and do read all those blogs faithfully and enjoy watching their milestones and success all I'm asking is that before you judge take time to pause and think about how I might feel. I have experienced feeling like I don't even matter as a woman because I'm not a mother because all my other friends are mothers so they matter so much more. I am left feeling alone and forsaken over something that is not up to me and my control I understand that people want to be with people who share common interests but just because I'm not a mother doesn't mean I am contagious I still have lots of good things to offer this world and a friendship.
Infertility Etiquette
By Vita Alligood
Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user's moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon the treatment used.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.
Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
There are many reasons why a couple would choose not to pursue this option. Here are a few of them.
IVF is Expensive with Low Odds
One cycle of IVF is very expensive. With all of the hype in the news, many people assume that IVF is a sure thing when, in fact, the odds of success for each cycle are low. Most couples cannot afford to try for one month, much less for multiple times. Considering that it also costs a significant amount of money to adopt a baby, many couples opt for the "sure thing" rather then risking their money on much lower odds.
Don't Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVF
On the flip side of the coin, don't offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the reasons I outlined above.
Blocked fallopian tubes
Cysts
Endometriosis
Low hormone levels
Low "normal form" sperm count
Low progesterone level
Low sperm count
Low sperm motility
Thin uterine walls
Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose, and reading an article or book on infertility will not make you an "expert" on the subject. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.
Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.
Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.
Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.
http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_ffaf_ie
Infertility Etiquette
By Vita Alligood
Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user's moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon the treatment used.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.
Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
There are many reasons why a couple would choose not to pursue this option. Here are a few of them.
IVF is Expensive with Low Odds
One cycle of IVF is very expensive. With all of the hype in the news, many people assume that IVF is a sure thing when, in fact, the odds of success for each cycle are low. Most couples cannot afford to try for one month, much less for multiple times. Considering that it also costs a significant amount of money to adopt a baby, many couples opt for the "sure thing" rather then risking their money on much lower odds.
Don't Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVF
On the flip side of the coin, don't offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the reasons I outlined above.
Don't Play Doctor
Once your infertile friends are under a doctor's care, the doctor will run them through numerous tests to determine why they aren't able to conceive. There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to conceive. Here are a few of them:
Once your infertile friends are under a doctor's care, the doctor will run them through numerous tests to determine why they aren't able to conceive. There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to conceive. Here are a few of them:
Blocked fallopian tubes
Cysts
Endometriosis
Low hormone levels
Low "normal form" sperm count
Low progesterone level
Low sperm count
Low sperm motility
Thin uterine walls
Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose, and reading an article or book on infertility will not make you an "expert" on the subject. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.
Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.
Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.
Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.
http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_ffaf_ie
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Grateful
I've had some time lately to really contemplate the blessings in my life. I have been given a lot I really have. I have a loving husband who although he drives me up the wall is kind and loving and gentle. I have a warm cozy home to live in. I have lots of good food to eat. I have two little miracle babies to love and cuddle without having to worry about how to discipline them. I have the gospel of Jesus Christ that has been a light in my life and a source of comfort when trouble comes.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
My Nephew has arrived safe and sound
Yesterday my mom called me during the day on her cell phone and immediately I was worried and concerned but then she told me that our nephew is here. He wasn't due until the 20th of February but Heavenly Father had other plans. Thankfully he was born now Amber found out that if they had waited she was developing more complications and he might not have made it. So I am so thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who let him be born now although he is small at 5 lbs 9 oz. He is healthy though and strong and he will be just fine but now I know more than ever how much of a miracle baby he is as he almost didn't make it. He was born at Sacred Heart and is long at 19 and a half inches his name is Gaige Christensen. He is such a sweet little guy he didn't mind being passed around from loving arms to loving arms and slept most of the time. My heart is filled with so much joy at having another little one to love and spoil.
I'm going to try and add a picture of him here but just as a disclaimer the quality may not be the greatest our batteries are dead for our digital camera so Damian had to get one on our cell phone.
There he is isn't he the cutest baby? He is to me aside from Lexus and our other niece which came home from the hospital today but then again I guess as his devoted Auntie that I am just a smidgen biased. I am so happy he is here and he joined our family safe and sound.
I'm going to try and add a picture of him here but just as a disclaimer the quality may not be the greatest our batteries are dead for our digital camera so Damian had to get one on our cell phone.
There he is isn't he the cutest baby? He is to me aside from Lexus and our other niece which came home from the hospital today but then again I guess as his devoted Auntie that I am just a smidgen biased. I am so happy he is here and he joined our family safe and sound. Sunday, February 1, 2009
One more Year
There has been some speculation for the last couple of weeks over whether or not our landlord would be renewing leases. We have heard conflicting reports and this has been a great worry for us as we hadn't done any apartment hunting nor do we have any deposits even if we had done any apartment hunting. So we fretted and worried and prayed. Then the other day our landlord came to our door and we thought something was wrong as that has been the only time he has gone to our door. Luckily he just wanted us to go down to the shop and he wanted to offer us a lease renewal if we were willing. We accepted of course and this has been a great relief for us and a great weight has been lifted. He did need to raise our rent just a little bit but it's only a 50 dollar increase starting in April so our rent will be 475 but that's still good for a two bedroom. He also is FINALLY going to look into our maintance issues himself. He was angry about that but we explained to him that we had been promised when we moved in that they would be addressed after we had moved in this was told to us by our former landlord and of course that was a lie. Our current landlord had wanted us to inform his former site manager of any repairs and use the chain of command and we told him we did we told him and he did nothing. In light of that our landlord wasn't as pissed off and he said he would take a look and together we would decide if he could fix them or help us find another unit. I am glad he is finally starting to care about this place and the tenants in the park because for awhile it was looking like he didn't care at all and because of that it was hard for us to care. Now all he is asking is that his tenants take care of their units well now that we have a partnership happening I can do that.
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