Progress

After a slow start with DVR we are finally getting somewhere. Damian has been scheduled for a week of vocational assessment testing which his case worker will use to evaluate his strengths and weaknesses and help him find work. We have been hesitant as to how much help they can give him although we do know they have access to all kinds of agencies and referrals but again we needed to be patient Heavenly Father had a plan. Damian did well on day one of his tests and he was talking to the guy who does these and he said that Damian's case worker is excellent that he has worked with her for many years and once she knows you are committed to helping yourself she will bend over backwards to help you get and keep a job that you can be good at and succeed at. This is wonderful news for us as Damian will be doing great for awhile but then something happens he doesn't even know what and he loses the job. We are hoping that between his case worker and his therapist Kim we can figure out what is causing that and find a solution. I have been slowly seeing growth in Damian and it's been great to watch him gain some self confidence. I have to be patient and trust the process but it is comforting to know that at least we are getting somewhere.

Girly Stuff

I have always been a paradox I am hard to figure out even for myself I am yin and yang I am my own worst enemy sometimes. That's just how I am I played with dolls growing up and loved them like children but hated pink and girly games and loved to be one of the guys playing with He-Man and playing baseball happiest playing with dirt. See what I mean but it gets better. I loved spending time with girl friends watching love stories and romances playing Barbies but I detested makeup and other girly things. I really fought against the grain growing up hating frilly dresses and stuff like that. It's only been as I am older that I am starting to understand myself. I had a PartyLite party for a friend of mine last night and I actually had fun and I actually found things I could enjoy buying to make my home more of a pleasant place to be. It was then and only then that I understood me and who I am as a girl and woman. I will be brutally honest with the exception of a few women whose company I thoroughly enjoy I don't like being around women. The ones I'm talking about that I don't enjoy are catty, two faced, pretentious and fake. I don't do any of those things. I don't think that just because you are a woman that you can't be intelligent or that you should just get a crap college degree because you are just going to be getting married anyway. That doesn't always work and life happens sometimes what if you need to work to take care of your family that does happen. I also don't think that wearing frilly dresses and liking girly crap makes you a woman either. This was when I figured out what kind of woman I want to be and I made peace with me. I want to be intelligent and take care of my body I want to wear makeup but on my terms. I want to wear a pant suit once in awhile but if I find a skirt or dress that I like I want to wear that too. I want choices I don't want to feel like I have to conform to what some one says a woman should be. I want to be strong and do my part to take care of my family and those I love who says that just because I'm a woman that I have to be a damsel in distress but at the same time I want to be soft too and once in awhile be taken care of. I want to love and uplift those around me and uplift and empower my nieces so that they know that the sky is the limit they can be the woman that they want to be that it's just as okay for them to be a doctor or scientist AND a mommy that they don't have to always just choose one or the other.

Change in plans

When I envisioned motherhood I will be honest I dreamed of babies of my own and when that didn't happen I pictured us going to the hospital to pick up a newborn foster child to love and nurture and help grow up. That is not what Heavenly Father has in mind though I have decided to take this matter up with him and pray about it and figure out what he wants for us. Then I was an obedient daughter quieting my mind and heart so I could listen and the answer I got was the opposite of what I had envisioned and thought about. I was thinking of a baby boy or at least a toddler boy someone to pass on the name of Impett well what came to my heart and mind as being right is a girl that is anywhere from 3 to 8 in age and that idea freaked me out at first but then I realized a scary thought if I had been able to get pregnant right away I would have almost had a 10 year old or pretty darn close to it that's a pretty eerie thought. I realized also that babies and toddlers get adopted and find permanent homes but who wants an older child.I believe that every child should have the right to a permanent home and to have a family who loves them. Then I had to be brutally honest with myself babies scare me I am uncomfortable holding and handling them I try my best with my nieces and nephews but when I get freaked I can hand them back. Also now Lexus is three is when she is getting to be the most fun and enjoyable I love watching her become a little person that is so amazing to me. I love hanging out with her and having fun with her watching her discover the world. I also know that Damian would handle an older child better as well he also doesn't do great in the baby department. I am amazed though that I have a Heavenly Father who knows us and loves us so much that he would give me such inspiration and guide me in a direction where we would be happy and be able to give happiness and love to a little girl who needs a home and family. It's similar to the puppy syndrome everyone dotes on a cute puppy but it takes real love and devotion to love the dog when it grows up. We still have to get our ducks in a row but we are being led in that direction and if we are obedient and follow soon it will happen and we can complete our family because in my heart I know something is missing still.

Love

Love has blessed my life in many many ways and in many many forms I can't express how full of love my heart is and just when I think it overflows it grows to fill with more love for more people. I love that anyway I just wanted to share some awesome quotes about love in many forms.
Marriage:
Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.
Antoine De Saint-Exupery

The real act of marriage takes place in the heart, not in the ballroom or church or synagogue. It's a choice you make -- not just on your wedding day, but over and over again -- and that choice is reflected in the way you treat your husband or wife.
Barbara De Angelis

Marriage is not a noun; it's a verb. It isn't something you get. It's something you do. It's the way you love your partner every day.
Barbara De Angelis

Friendship

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Others stay awhile, make footprints on our hearts and we are never, ever the same.
Anonymous

You May Be One Person To The World But You May Be The World To One Person.
Anonymous .

Without friends no one would choose to live.
Aristotle

A friend is one to whom one can pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keeping what is worth keeping, and, with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away.
Arabian Proverb

Family (includes fathers, mothers, etc)

The greatest gift I ever had Came from God, and I call him Dad!
Anonymous

Blessed indeed is the man who hears many gentle voices call him father!
Lydia M. Child

God couldn't be everywhere, so he created mothers
Jewish Proverbs

An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy.
Spanish Proverbs

Sister

Sister is probably the most competitive relationship within the family, but once the sisters are grown, it becomes the strongest relationship.
Margaret Mead

You know full well as I do the value of sisters' affections: There is nothing like it in this world.
Charlotte Bronte

Brothers

There's no other love like the love for a brother. There's no other love like the love from a brother. ~Astrid Alauda

The mildest, drowsiest sister has been known to turn tiger if her sibling is in trouble. ~Clara Ortega

Grandparents

A child needs a grandparent, anybody's grandparent, to grow a little more securely into an unfamiliar world. ~Charles and Ann Morse

A grandfather is someone with silver in his hair and gold in his heart. ~Author Unknown

Aunts/Uncles

“Only an Aunt can give hugs like a mother, can keep secrets like a sister, and share love like a friend.”
~ Spanish Proverb

I miss my aunt and my uncle very much and there are not enough words to express how much they mean to me.

~ Heather Mazarakos

I think that sums up some of the various types of love and there is one that still amazes me I can't believe how much I have loved being an aunt it started with little Lexus she was sunshine to the darkness in my soul I couldn't help but love her. Now her sister Kaylee, my nephew Gaige and little Ella have joined places in my heart. It's amazing to me that I can love each of them so fully although they are all different. I never thought I could love them so much they have cleared away the sorrow and pain in my heart and I couldn't love them anymore. I think of them, pray for them and would walk through fire to protect them I never thought I could love a child that was not my own so much.

Girls Night In

Tonight was a lot of fun spent doing a couple of loads of laundry at my mother in law's while she and I watched a chic flick. We almost watched an older movie starring Sandra Dee but the DVD was cracked too bad so we watched Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 and it was awesome. Then we got to talking and we share similar tastes in books and movies in fact I was looking for books to read so mom gave me a few to borrow. It's really great that we really have learned how to get along I feel blessed to have the relationship with them that I have. They are really great people and it's awesome that we get along so well.

Guided

For a few years now okay 12 ever since I graduated High School I feel like I have been lost and drifting a Jill of all trades if you will. I had dreams I have carried but haven't had the guts to carry them out so they just waited. I also was needing a direction so I panicked and looked everywhere not realizing that if I had calmed down and had some faith that I would be led on the path I needed to go. I have done just that I didn't panic when I was out of work the middle of May I quieted myself enough to realize had I just calmed down and had been still I would have found my compass a long time ago. I needed to listen to my heart and now I have done just that I have gone back to the type of work that I'm good at. It may not work for anyone else but they aren't the ones holding down the job. It will be a challenge but bring it on I'm ready. Also this job is full time year round which is great and when I get the chance I can also take online classes and be able to afford to do so while still remaining employed. That feels amazing I feel so happy and blessed and that's what happens when you are guided and you don't try and forge your own path. I am kicking myself because had I just calmed down years ago I would have found my true calling in life. I'm not saying I am going to be on the phones forever but it's an avenue that will allow me to get to where I need to be. I'm learning to follow the path God has intended for me to follow no matter what anyone else says or does. I'm learning I need to listen to him and not to anyone else they have their own strengths, weaknesses and paths to follow they need to leave me alone and let me follow mine. I'm learning to trust myself and the strengths I have been given but most important I am learning to trust in him and let him lead me and I'm not feeling dread or fear. That's awesome for me I could have been thrown into a full blown anxiety attack but I feel no fear I feel anticipation and excitement. I think also that when I worked at Venture Data five years ago I developed adaptation skills I put those away but I will need them again. I will need all the things I learned at Venture Data to do this job. Those things include flexibility and not allowing myself to get rattled no matter what may get thrown my way. I know I can do this I have done something quite similar actually, it was called being thrown on a client monitored survey without prior notice and not even a briefing about what the survey was talk about pressure if that didn't rattle me then I need to channel my inner calm and self confidence and do it again. I feel better and happier knowing I was guided to this job I feel it and I know it and I know I will not be forsaken I will be led again and guided as I try and learn this job and what I need to do.

Oh my papa

I am having a moment where I am thinking about my dad. I have healed for the most part and have accepted his death and live my life but I just happened upon this song when I was looking up old Roger Whittaker songs he did a version of this song but the video of that one has lots of extra crap in it. This song has always brought tears to my eyes it's called Oh Mein Papa is the German version of course I don't know German so the English version is called Oh my Papa and this song is my dad. I never knew anyone so loving, generous and kind even when I was in trouble. I miss him and I do my best to live on and share his legacy and his love and to laugh and smile the way he would want me to but sometimes I still have moments.

Do it anyway

Lately I have come under fire and have been accused of not being able to mind my own business because I attempted to help someone who had not directly asked for help. I'm sorry I didn't mean to offend but it has been my experience that sometimes someone wants help but they don't know how to ask for it and if they didn't want any help they would definitely tell you. I also have been told that I should just give up being so nice and trying to help everyone that I can't possibly make a difference. You know sometimes I felt that way and was discouraged but I can't help it it's in my nature to help other people even if I don't know them. It's in my nature to want to help and try and make a difference in not only my life but the life of someone else someone I may not even know. I am reminded of a story about that in the first Chicken Soup for the Soul book where someone was randomly throwing star fish back into the ocean because they had washed up on the beach. An observer was watching this and commented about how could that person possibly make a difference as there were still so many star fish on the shore. The person just threw another one in the ocean and said "I made a difference to that one." I feel like that I know there have been people whose life I touched and even though I didn't get to see the outcome I know in my heart that a simple kindness and act of love did make a small difference in their life. We don't know when a smile, touch of the hand, taking time to listen or something as small as being a friend or making a phone call or even helping someone carry something will make a huge difference in that person's life. It seems so small but it's been the small things that mean the most. I can testify to that in my life I don't know how many times I was sinking and I was saved by small acts of love and kindness. I also know that not every act of kindness will manifest itself and that sometimes it can feel like a waste of time, energy and effort but I also know that I need to do it anyway because if I don't I have given in to the hatred and bitterness and selfishness that is rampant in this world. I have posted these songs before but I love them and I'm going to post them again.
Martina McBride's Anyway she sings about just this type of subject in this song that's why I love it

I firmly believe in this philosohy that love is the only house that is big enough for all the pain in the world. Love can do a lot it is more powerful than hatred and fear.

2 years in the making

I have done really good not getting too overly excited and getting ahead of myself but now I can unleash my excitement. Angela and Randall my sister and brother in law who live in California will officially be adopting their almost two year old foster daughter Ella the 13th of September. I am so excited for them and that also means after that I will be allowed to post pictures of her I was not allowed to do so for privacy reasons but after that I can do as I please pretty much. I am also excited because I have not had the chance to meet her but I will get to for Christmas. We really wanted to get down to California for the adoption proceedings but that was just not going to be possible. This little girl is meant to be in our family there is no doubt about that she is just a gorgeous little girl she is Hispanic and Native American with thick curly black hair she was born with and has kept. She has spunk and is playful and she doesn't quit until she gets what she is after we knew that after her birth. She was born about three months premature her birthday was Oct 31 but she was not due until Feb 3 and although she weighed in at only 1lb 14 oz that little one beat the odds and not only made it but is thriving. She is making constant gains and granted she is not on the same par as other almost two year old's her age but she is catching up and she will get there. She also had to struggle her first few months of life just to survive and learn how to breathe and eat on her own without assistance. We are just grateful she made it and she had the will to live because even the best care and incubators in the world can only do so much. I am so happy for Angela and Randall and that we have an official new addition to our family although Ella has been ours in our hearts the whole time since the very first picture I saw on mom's camera phone.

Writing projects

I discovered something about myself while I was in Conconully in regards to my writing. I grew up writing before computers were a big deal and every household had one so I am not used to using one to do my writing. I have done okay and made a few short stories on one but nothing with any real substance. I started writing in just a cheap notebook on the way to Conconully and the story just began to flow. I was also at peace and calm that helped to. The same thing when I was at Christina's place I was able to write a lot more. I got myself stressed so I haven't written since then but I'm going to pick up my little notebook and start writing a little everyday I think. I learned I can write so much better first on paper and then transcribe it into my computer to have a copy I can transmit to everyone else. It sounds silly to write only to write again but it's just the way that I have to do it.

The Lighthouse

This is the first bit of poetry that I have written in a few years. I can write novels and stories at the drop of a hat but poetry for me has to be inspired. I know it's not perfect or in any kind of formal form but I don't care about that to me it's the feeling that I try and portray that makes it so important. This is for my husband but I wanted to share it here too.
The Lighthouse
A lighthouse provides guidance and light
a protection from the storms that rage into the night.
Let me be a lighthouse as I safely guide you home
Let me help guide you as you see you are not alone.

It's easy to drift away in life's storms
Let me guide you to where it's safe and warm.
It's easy to feel anger and pain a never ending rain
But reach for me I can help you feel love again.

A lighthouse gives constant steady light
as you use it to get home in the night.
I am the lighthouse I am steady too
I will never ever turn away from you.

Closing doors opening others

Damian and I are in a new place in our lives now it's kinda eerie in a good way. For the first time in a long time we are starting to think and act like adults and that includes taking care of our mental well being. We are no where near perfect or where we want to be yet but we are getting there. I am further along on this road than Damian but I think that is so I can help him. I still remember being where he is full of anger, hurt and resentment but not sure how to let it go or release it because that is all you know. I remember being scared to close the door to the past and open the one to the present and future even though logically I knew that the door to the past held nothing for me. I remember others sent to help me along my way and who offered me their hands but I was so scared to let go that I sometimes tried to push them away from me meanwhile praying they wouldn't go away. Damian is starting to understand something very important in all this that I have needed him to understand and that is that I love him, I chose him once and I chose him again when I chose to come back and I am not going anywhere. He can push all he wants and I will not bend I am here with him for the good the bad and the ugly no matter what life throws. I think he is starting to calm down a little realizing that. He also is realizing he has real honest to goodness friends and that has helped along with a counselor who really does care about him and his permanent well being and family. She also doesn't put up with bs so that is great too she wants him to learn to stop obsessing and just let go. I still struggle with that so I can relate. Anyway part of that is facing the past I did through writing and I feel great letting out so much pent up emotion. Damian doesn't write so together we have been brainstorming and for him I think it is going to be something hard but worth doing. He grew up in Shelton and he has both good and bad memories there unfortunately in his situation he still has family and friends there but he won't go see them because of the bad memories. We are thinking about taking a trip together so he can see people and face some of these memories with me beside him to hold his hand. He's going to talk it over with his therapist to see what she thinks but if it's a go we are going to try and start saving some money to go. I think that is part of growing up though facing things that have haunted us and hurt us, making our peace with them and then learning to let go.