Some more insights I got tonight.

I don't know if I am at a different place in my life than I was when I first saw the movie The Blind Side or if it was because it wasn't in a crowded movie theater but when Damian and I saw it at the park tonight it had a whole different meaning. I still loved it and I still cried but more parts held more meaning. It could also be because the real Michael and Leanne were on Extreme Makeover Home Edition to help out and do a makeover for a family where the dad is a high school football coach. Whatever it was I got a lot of insights from that movie that I could easily apply to my own life. The first thing that hit me was Michael himself he could have been angry he could have been bitter he could have turned his back on the world but he didn't that amazes me. My life has not been the hell that his was and I have been bitter and angry. I learned from that so from now on I am going to let all that is negative go it's not worth hanging onto and I am going to propel myself and make my life better. Things may not go perfectly but from now on when I have a crappy boss or whatever instead of quitting I'm going to think about how that is nothing compared to what others have had to go through and deal with and I will push through it. I also looked at Leanne Tohley herself and what she did. She could be seen as bossy and pushy and to some extent she is Sandra played her perfectly but at the same time she is a momma. I saw on the show how proud she is of Michael and how much coaches and football mean to her. She took him in she gave him a home even though she didn't know him. She followed her gut and her momma instincts to not let a boy remain out in the cold. I realized tonight that I have been looking at my infertility all wrong. It's not a curse it will turn out to be a blessing. I have a big heart and lots of love to give. It would be easy to love a baby that you got to bond with for nine months that grew inside you especially someone with a big heart for babies already but not so much when it's not your own and you get a call to take into your home a child you know little about and have never met. Kudos to all foster and adoptive parents out there who have done just that. I realized tonight that I would do the same thing I would be a momma to anyone who was out in the cold and needed a warm home and my love. I see now that's what I need to do and why the Lord did what he did. I am to love and give my love to a child that really needs it and who has been through some emotional trauma. I won't pretend to empathize or know what they have been through because I can not but what I can do is be their mama and love them and nurture them and protect them.

One with Nature

I have always felt at peace in the woods, mountains or near water. I don't know why I just have. I loved being in Conconully for that very reason. I also will really enjoy where next years reunion will be in Port Angeles for the same reason. I used to be able to sleep on a thin sleeping pad or the ground as I camped or even on an air mattress but now as I am in my 30's that's not working out for me so well. I was about to give up camping all together but I really would miss it I do enjoy it when I don't wake up stiff, cold and sore. Thankfully we have been looking into camping gear anyway and we found a solution we can live with. We each found a cot that will hold our weight if we sleep on it separately not together and that will keep us warm and dry and off the ground in the morning. We also found a cot pad that will strap to the cot to add more comfort and that's the way I can camp. I may not be able to really "rough" it anymore but I'm still in a tent so that is roughing it as far as I'm concerned. I'm so excited I found a way to keep doing something that I have always enjoyed and be comfortable doing it. We figure that the gear will be expensive at first but once we buy it we have it and we are realizing how many camping spots we are close to or within a short drive. We might just be able to escape for a little while and bribe someone to take us and pick us up again when we are done hey you never know until you ask.

Goodbye Harmony

A chapter in my life has now come to an end it was time but it's still a little sad to see it end. To help you understand let me start at the beginning. I started playing the violin in the fourth grade and while I did enjoy it I also wanted to try playing the flute in the fifth grade. That didn't work out so well so in the sixth grade I got back into playing the violin. I took to it and while I wasn't ever a natural at it I never could do vibrato or anything fancy like that I was fairly decent. That became my instrument from then until right before I got married at 20. My mom saved up the money and bought the instrument for me instead of continuing to rent it. Over the years she also bought me a really nice bow, rosin, strings, chin rest, mute and anything else I needed. I also was able to start violin lessons in the seventh grade I think it was and the same gal was my teacher from that time right up until right before I got married. She and my violin became like family to me and I became attached but I knew that chapter was closing. I didn't want to fully admit it however so I kept my old violin which I nicknamed Harmony because that's what I always played up on the shelf or in a closet but I realized that isn't fair. On freecycle came a request from a young woman who desperately wanted to learn how to play the violin or cello. It was hard but my heart said to give Harmony to her so she can be taken care of again and played again. It's not fair to my old violin to just continue to set getting out of tune and not being loved and played. She's picking her up tomorrow morning. It's sad somewhat but I still have great memories. I played at several Spring String Flings, I went to EWU for contests and our school usually did great, I went to University of Idaho for another type of competition or whatever it was, I also got to play in the Orchestra pit at the Opera House when my friend Laura graduated that was something I can never forget. Now though it's time for her to create new memories with a new friend as my life has changed and it is time for me to grow up now and be an adult and take on adult responsibility.

Girl time

I have many wonderful friends who I love but I am especially grateful for one in particular my best friend Christina. I didn't realize how much I needed some girl time with her until she had me come over to her house in Mullan, ID for a few days. I was there from Tuesday night until today and although she had to help her husband with his trucking business and the phone was ringing off the hook and her husband was there we still had girl time. We snuck moments and it was so great. We shared low fat food (she's getting more into that and she got me to eat stuff that no one else could like fat free hot dogs and vegetables). Although I wouldn't concede that I liked it in mac and cheese of all things she knew when I finished my bowl. We also just talked and gave each other support and encouragement as we both are at a cross road in our lives. We watched a movie and I got to relax in fact I slept a lot which I felt bad about. They had to give me a hard time because they felt guilty that they had to work so much but I told them the honest truth I was so relaxed there that I just dozed off. Koda even got used to me he is their miniature Artic wolf but of course he wouldn't admit that until just before I left. It was cozy and welcoming at their house which isn't much yet just a small apartment over an old gas station that they plan to buy and turn into their office but what they had they shared so freely. It's nice to have good friends like that who just open their home, heart and love to me. He had to tease us about the clucking hen fest but we both know he doesn't mind at all he knows how happy Chris is when we are together and he wants her to be happy. I also love my hubby dearly but to be brutally honest it was nice to take a break for awhile and to have a chance to miss him. I don't get to have girl time very often so when I do I take full advantage of it and Damian didn't mind at all. He knew I needed the break and it gave him time to do what he wanted while I was gone.

Family Time

This weekend was great I had no complaints and despite some challenging times in the past and a few disagreements I get along great with my in-laws but let's be honest what family doesn't squabble from time to time right? Anyway, I rode with my mother in law to Conconully which was about 3 and a half hours pretty much a straight shot since we live near highway 2 anyway. We had a ball together. Her GPS and her don't get along so she argued with it the whole time and I was just rolling with laughter. Then it tried to get back at her by first refusing to talk to her for 30 minutes or so and then when we got closer it kept trying to get her to turn into the cherry trees. We also stopped at a fruit stand for some amazing Rainer cherries which we munched on all weekend and some apricots for me mom felt bad because she was going to get me some on the way back but we just wanted to get home. That's okay though I don't mind. We also found a Walmart good thing since we both needed some lunch (she's diabetic and it had been way too long since breakfast so I insisted she eat) and she had forgotten some key ingredients for her Chicken Enchiladas such as the tortillas. We arrived at our home away from home for the weekend a cute little cabin (I'll post pictures from the trip later) to find that dad had already arrived. He was traveling on his motorcycle not bad timing since we had flagged him down at Grand Coulee. Anyway, Shawn and Damian arrived last in the car Shawn had rented after they had found 8 Geo caches along the way. We got settled and found other family members to chat with and catch up with. We just sat on the big front porch and enjoyed each other. We also laid claim on beds mom and dad got the two twins downstairs and we kids got the three up in the loft. It was a lot of fun it felt like a sleepover. That night we ate a light dinner and gathered around a fire pit for smores and that was fun because mom bought HUGE ones that just puffed right up in the fire. We also chatted and teased and laughed. Dad sang some funny songs for me that I had never heard. They were shocked that I had been in that family for 10 years and never heard them. Dad has a wonderful soothing voice so no wonder their granddaughter Ella fell asleep to it. We also got Damian to burn a nasty disguising shirt it had stains all over it and holes. Victory for me I HATED that shirt. That night when we all settled in to bed I made a joke about how this reminded me of the tv show the Waltons so of course we made a joke about that. The next morning dad made breakfast and we sat and enjoyed the beautiful sounds all around us. There was no wifi where we were so it was just family time and the birds were chirping and near us was a wonderful little stream that babbled. Mom and I also utilized the kitchenette one at a time of course to make some food for the potluck later. She made some wonderful chicken enchiladas and I made some potatoes baked in butter and ranch dressing. Both were a hit. At the potluck in another campground near Lake Conconully we got some wonderful pictures and visited with more family. There was most that I knew from two years ago but there were some I hadn't met yet. It didn't matter in the course of the afternoon we were all family and it felt like I had known them all my whole life. We had prime rib which was wonderful along with everyone's contributions. We had an auction with home made contributions which helps pay for the next year's reunion that's how we got to have prime rib. All in all it was a fabulous day and Damian and I made instant friends with a cousin of mom's I'm not sure how that would work for us relation wise who was right around our age) he is amazing and it was no accident we were supposed to be here this weekend. He needed a friend and we did too especially Damian they became two peas in a pod. Saturday night was more visiting this time around our fire pit and then off to bed. I had a nightmare that night and it was funny because mom Impett just covered her head because she thought I was freaking out over a bat (we were in bat territory we had seen some), Damian was upset because I had woken him up, dad was sleeping right through it but Shawn was just trying to make sure I was okay. I did get back to sleep but once the sun came up I got up went outside for awhile and just pondered. I got some answers as to why my dream kept coming back and some other soul searching done. It's amazing what can be done when you can hear yourself think. I also wrote a lot this weekend to I was inspired out there. I love nature and the woods. Sunday was a day to say good bye we went to a small diner for a wonderful breakfast. I got a HUGE plate of wonderful biscuits and sausage gravy and the price wasn't bad either. Then it was time to go and we got hugs all around and best wishes for the next year. We also said good bye to dad because he was not joining mom at home he was headed to Shelton first to see his sister our Aunt Wendy and then he needed to rent a U-Haul because he was going to get some motorcycle parts for his other motorcycle the one he had wrecked several years ago. He had a really loaded down bike so I gave him a hug and told him he better be careful and that he had better call mom when he got to Wendy's or we all would bug him until he did. He acted all gruff trying to tell me that he knew what he was doing and that he was going to be okay but he hugged back so I knew he was touched that we cared about his safety. Mom and I then headed over to see her Uncle Jack because he is 93 years old and she couldn't shake the feeling that she needed to see him. Everyone else had told us he was a cranky old man who refused to come out to the reunion to see his family. I didn't know what to expect but the man I met was nothing but kindness. Yes, he was a little cranky at first and it was hard for him to hobble around but he did and that comes from the fact that he told us he worked every day of his life and he hates that his body is wearing out on him. I can understand but he was loving and kind and showed us younger pictures of mom's cousins. I got him to smile and laugh and he wasn't cranky with me. I think that's because the others were trying to force him to come to them well he has a valid point he lives not even 20 miles from Conconully if they wanted to see him bad enough they would come to him. He was so tickled that mom and I did he even agreed to let his wife take a picture of the three of us him in the middle with his arms around us. That was the highlight of my visit I think because Jack and Betty his wife didn't even know me at all but yet when they learned that I was family and how I was related via marriage to one of their own they embraced me right away. That's how all of them were this weekend. It was such a simple reunion held at a campground with a potluck lunch and lots of laughter and stories but it was so full of love and goodwill. We are all different faiths but we had a wonderful heart felt prayer over the food and lots of comfort and cheer for one who had just lost his dear wife a few months before. I talked to him and while he was still in mourning he had so much faith that she was with God now and that all would be well. I am so blessed that I got to go this weekend and experience all of this love and fun and even some inner peace.

Journals

I never was good at keeping a journal and when I did it was petty and trivial it was not about what was important like my life and my feelings. I didn't think it was important at all but now I feel inspired to do more. I read about my friend Laura who has recorded almost everything about her life and I realized how amazing that will be for her children and their children. They won't have to wonder about her they will know her. I am going to start now and to catch up I plan on writing about my life and including pictures kinda what my grandma did for us about my dad's life. Then I plan on buying journals and getting started. I realize now how important those small little details can be. I may not go as far to take daily pictures of myself or what I eat for breakfast or take pictures as I leave or return for work but I can record my daily life and what I'm thinking and feeling. I can archive my writing and my poetry I can leave bits of myself behind.

I will post pictures soon

Great idea Tamy I plan on posting some of my wedding pictures soon. However, it's not as easy when they are not already digital. The things you take for granted when they are easy lol. However, we do have a scanner and we are going to be working on scanning them in we also have to scan all the pictures for mom and dad. We plan on doing that soon but right now we are getting ready to be leaving for a family reunion on Friday morning. We are going to Conconully, WA near Omak for the weekend for a Holeman/Holman Reunion (a family line of his mother's). We are looking forward to it according to what we heard it's a beautiful area. I will post pictures of that as well. Just a heads up these pictures were not professionally taken and they are not posed they are natural. We are naturally that lovey dovey we just wanted to kiss and snuggle. It was good for us to see those again and remember back to those days. It is hard sometimes to keep all that alive in the real world but I'm so glad that day was captured in time....on that day we didn't care about what was going on around us we were just focusing on each other.

and we have wedding photos

Today turned out to be the best day ever. Remember way back when I lamented that we didn't have any wedding photos whatsoever well we do. I went over to mom and dad Impett's after mom took me grocery shopping because their 37th anniversary is coming in October and I thought it would be neat to put together a power point presentation set to music of their life together and with their kids. I was getting all the pictures I could get my hands on I even went so far as to brave dad's leaning tower of crap in his storage unit (let's just say now I know where his son gets it but anyway that's another post) but I got what I wanted. I also was looking for updated pictures of mom and dad and their four kids and the two that have children their children. That's when I started to tear up and got excited. Mom and dad had taken plenty of pictures both at the temple and at our reception and she told me I am more than welcome to make copies but she will need to have the originals back at some point just in case. I am so blessed that I was able to find those and that dad had the forethought to take pictures with his old trusty camera as mom only took the digital and back then digital cameras were in their infancy and none of those survived. I know that in addition to creating this tribute for mom and dad and their marriage that Heavenly Father was also leading me to my wedding pictures. Damian and I really did enjoy looking back ten years ago to that day.

Real Meaning of July 4th

Fireworks are great and fun to watch and it is so fun to be with family and friends but take a few moments to think about what today really means. Think about this country and while it's not perfect think about the men and women throughout it's history who have sacrificed themselves so we could enjoy what we have. They left families and loved ones knowing what they were giving up but knowing what needed to be done. They went to war they went to battle and paid for the freedoms we enjoy with their blood. They went unselfishly knowing that not all would be coming back home. I enjoy the fourth and the fun that comes with it but I also take some time to pause and think about the reasons I am allowed such freedom. I am so thankful that we have what we have and that we have strong brave unselfish men and women who are so willing to defend it. This song is dedicated to all of them.

Choices

Life is all about choices big and small some greatly affect our lives and some don't. I made a choice 10 years ago to marry the man of my dreams. We made the choice to let our marriage get off track and separate but we also made the choice to get back together. I have chosen each and every one of my friends and I have chosen wisely for the most part but sometimes a friend and I have grown apart and we chose to part ways. Some of the choices that have had to be made are easy and some will break your heart and hurt for a little while. Damian had to make such a choice a few days ago involving a friendship he had for over 15 years. This person had chosen to become verbally abusive via yahoo instant messaging not only to me but to him as well but I am so proud of Damian he stood firm for himself and me and he made the choice to let that friend go. I know it hurt him to do so and I hoped he wouldn't have to make that choice but I know in the end it was the right choice to make. This person would cut him down and not build him back up, he would make jabs about me and our marriage and about women and marriage in general, he would discourage him from working and from getting help for his bi-polar issues. Damian realized that a friend would never treat you like that. I am proud of him and our marriage is back on track now for good I hope. I know we will continue to need to work things out that's marriage but what helps is that he realized that he doesn't need to be ashamed to love me or treat me well or treat me as his equal. We are on the same team for the first time in awhile and I'm confident that before long we both will make the choice to remain permanently and gainfully employed.

Testimony in song

Lately I have been fully learning of God's infinite love for his children. I grew up knowing I was his child I was taught that but it didn't really hit me until recently. Now my soul is overwhelmed with love and gratitude that I know he knows me, he loves me,he knows my struggles and he sends others to help me. I am his daughter and he is my father and this gives me such a peace in my heart. Like an earthly father knows and protects his children Heavenly Father will do the same. He will not save us from our struggles and our choices but he will guide us and help us as we let him and once we chose to be obedient to him he will never forsake us. This is so powerful to me. I know it took me a long time to really trust him enough to get a testimony of this but I had to let go of my fear to let my heart fully trust him. My heart is so full that I can not adequately express it so I will let music do it for me.