Step 2 towards my goal of being foster mom

Step one is going well I have a part time job I love and am able to keep. The 5-HTP is doing it's job so far however it was time to turn it up a notch I'm realizing that if I am going to be a parent I need to be tested to my limits. In the past I would break if I worked more than 25 hours or so. So I did it I got another part time job I work now 6 days a week total Monday 2 hours, Tuesday through Thursday 4 or so hours split up with a lunch after two hours only because I'm calling businesses and they will be on a lunch hour then Friday and Saturday I have my 8 hours each at Evergreen. I will be busy and it may get tough but I also feel like now is as good of a time as any to see what I'm made of. I will have the money I need to move on and take care of us and get us out of this crappy place we live in. We should have enough to get a decent two bedroom apartment and it still may be a long shot still but we could also try this spring or summer to file for foster adoption they may turn us down depending on how picky they want to be about how long I've been working and our stability etc but I can't play the what if game anymore we just have to go for it and see what happens. If it works GREAT a dream is coming true if not we try again when we can fix a few things. I had a dream to go to school but right now this is more pressing and important time is ticking if we want to be parents. I feel excited actually for this next phase in both our lives.

Same old same old with a twist

Life has been going on pretty much like usual nothing exciting really happens but actually that's the way I like it. I am pretty content when things are toned down and low key. I've been noticing some things that are worth mentioning first off I am looking at three months now just about with my job. It's still going well I am earning commissions in fact I just made up for the weekend pay I am losing by taking this upcoming weekend off so that's really nice. I also have earned another 25 dollars in Walmart gift cards so that's fun too. I love this job for the most part everyone has rough days and I have too but overall I like it. That's the other thing worth mentioning I have been able to notice when my anxiety kicks in and triggers a fight or flight response and my instinct is to run even from this job because that had been my pattern but I have been able to fight that. It's not easy and has taken all I have but I have been able to control it now and that feels amazing. I know that if we want to move forward in our lives that I can't run. I can't run when things get hard or stressful so things are calming down and I feel great about that. Damian is so intelligent I'm impressed. He was going to study for three years computer stuff at SCC but just for fun he took a sample A+ certification test online which covers computer tech stuff that he was going to be studying anyway and he pretty much knew a lot of it already so we decided that it would be a lot more cost effective to get an A+ certification book and study guide for about 50 bucks and have him study that on his own. When he is ready he will take the two tests which are about 150 bucks a piece and then take it from there. He doesn't want to work in a fancy office or for a large corporation that would be too much for him he would be happy as a clam working in a computer store fixing computers all day and tinkering like he does now but he would be getting paid. We think this may be a better cost effective thing to go for and to try. I'm willing to hold off on school just long enough for him to try and do this anyway I don't hate my job and to be honest not including commissions which if you include the ones from this month will equal to about 250 dollars since I have started I am making about 400 dollars less than what I would have been making full time at minimum wage. That's not bad for working two days a week 16 hours a week. I'm learning that some days are going to be rough and that some days will be just crappy but that happens at every job overall though I like what I do, I like the people I work with, I am happy working here and I am going to be doing this for a little while.

Ode to my 5-HTP

This post is for the pills I have that literally gave me my life back. It's amazing what I can accomplish with a clear head that's not going a mile a minute and I'm not rushing around all flustered and freaking out. 5-HTP is not addictive I don't need very much of it I usually take 100 mg every day which is one pill but I have safely taken up to 2 if I am going to be in an extremely stressful situation. I don't experience any side effects and in fact I feel more like myself. I am not so anxious, flustered, angry, demanding etc and all the good things about myself are able to shine through. I'm able to succeed in my life thanks to a small pill and I'm grateful for that. I will always have to battle anxiety and 5-HTP isn't a cure but it certainly does help it does what all the other anti anxiety medications do but without the expense and side effects. I am also grateful a friend of mine was able to get me 150 pills at Costco for what 60 would have cost me at Walmart. I am so grateful for that. She's noticing and so is everyone else what I am like on them and the difference is like night and day and it's pretty wonderful. One a side note I made 2,400 already in sales for the month of August I hope to keep them coming so that my September check can be just as nice. Thanks for support as I battle my anxiety General Anxiety Disorder is difficult to overcome as everything can give me a panic attack. I am grateful that I don't have to feel that anymore I don't dry heave or start flipping out I don't feel my chest tightening and pounding so fast I can hardly breathe. I don't miss feeling all this I don't miss feeling anxious and paranoid as if the whole world was out to get me. I can feel happy and confident and all that good stuff instead. 5-HTP is not the answer for everyone but for me it's been a life saver and a god send and I'm grateful I have it.

Milestone

I had extra cause to celebrate today beside the fact that work is going extremely well let's put it to you this way I'm not bragging but I needed 8 leads set for the weekend and I got ten but this is the longest I have held down a job in the last several years. I am so grateful for my best friend Chris for introducing me to the 5-HTP thanks to her I have my life back and I am feeling better than I have in a long long time. My life is starting to go well again and I'm starting to get untangled one thing at a time. It feels great to be doing so well at work and to really love what I'm doing and the work environment that is huge for me. Chris is having a rough time we seem to go rounds sometimes but it felt good to actually be able to have enough when I got paid today to help her a little with gas and treat her to dinner we went to Safeway where she got some Chinese and I got some chicken and jo jos. It's the least I can do for all the running around she has done for me and the times she has taken me out and treated me although we don't ever ever keep score. We talked and caught up and she took me grocery shopping at Winco. You know it was fun though she and I had a race up one of the wide aisles and we helped each other make a icky chore like shopping for food kinda sorta fun. She has done a lot for me over the years and it felt wonderful to be able to give something back to her. I am also so excited because I made an extra 105 dollars in bonus for the month of July that was from the commission of sales made from the appointments I set. Now that I am starting to cruise it's a goal of mine to try and make more. I still have money left after all has been set aside and that is a wonderful feeling too. I feel very very blessed and fortunate that things are going well and that I can help someone else even in a small way the way I have been helped along the way.