Out with the old.....in with the new

2011 is almost over and what a year it's been in so many ways...before I get ready for 2012 I just want to touch on a few of the highlights.
-My first ever airplane ride and stay in a hotel room by myself both were quite an experience. I loved the airplane ride and I discovered airports are great for people watching.
-I got and managed to keep a job for at least half the year and I'm still doing well that's a big plus for me.
- A lot of positive changes started happening emotionally as I started re prioritizing things in my life to make room for the things that really matter.
-I found the root cause of and started to really manage my anxiety instead of it managing me
-I found out who really is my friend and who really does love and care for me and to stop chasing after those who don't and after popularity. I learned that even one friend worth having is priceless and I have a few.
That's just a few of the things that have gone on this year although many many more things happened I'm sure I'm just not able to remember them right now. I'm looking forward to what 2012 brings and all those adventures. Happy New Year everyone I hope it will be a good one and that you will be happy and safe.

Finally a way to describe my journey

I've been hunting and hunting for a way to describe how I've been feeling the last couple of weeks well here it is. It's Martina McBride singing From the Ashes. This song literally talks about someone rebuilding themselves and their life. That's how I feel I don't feel like the same person anymore in a good way. I'm confident, I'm strong, I'm happy and I'm not living in constant panic anxiety or fear. I can feel the love of myself and those around me I can share that love I can see things as they are not a distorted view. It's wonderful anyway enjoy and please take time to listen.
As always comments are welcome but I'm not fishing for them you can comment or not comment as you see fit.

I'm free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today was a great success. I'm so grateful to Mary and her technique with her help and guidance she was able to help me relive all those painful memories. I felt and saw everything and it was intense but an amazing thing began to happen once I let myself just feel it and I stopped repressing everything it began to release and I began to feel so so much better. When she was done she could see the change in me and as I talked I couldn't tell her how much better I felt. I felt an all over glow inside me I felt free like all the painful memories and pain was gone. They are there of course but the pain attached is now gone. I wish I could describe it and so far today I haven't felt any anxiety or fear at all and I didn't even take any pills today. I still want to keep them in case I need them but I think her guess was spot on all my anxiety was hinged on just a few painful memories and moments and the emotions pent up and attached to them. I feel tired and drained but I also feel so so much better better than I have in 21 years. She was able to help my brain process this all so that I could understand it process it and file it away so I could just move on. I'm completely unstuck and everything is feeling great. I'm feeling better, my relationships will be better, I can move forward and not feel like I'm that scared little girl anymore who feels like she has something to prove. I can move on to happier and better things and it's so wonderful to be free from this prison of constant panic and pain. Great things will be able to happen now that I am free to let them happen and I'm not waiting for the other shoe to drop. Not that life will be all roses I'm not saying that but now I know how to deal with it all and I know how to experience it glean what I need from it then move on and just let it go away and not obsess over it anymore.

Getting unstuck

This is going to be a really really honest post just saying now. I have made a lot of progress with my anxiety and with all that has happened in my life I'm not belittling that at all I'm proud of how far I've come. However, now is when I'm at a crossroads my job is hanging in the balance a lot of things are cause now is a time when I've been doing well and I'm feeling the old anxious feelings coming back, the obessive thoughts etc. I know some of the people in my life have been getting annoyed again and honestly after today when I could take a step back I can't say I blame them. I have been feeling like I'm still just stuck I've done a lot on my own but something was still there and I didn't know how to get unstuck. Well, I took a friends advice to let go and let God. I did I had an honest prayer and conversation with him laying it all out telling him that I don't want to be like this anymore that I'm losing everything near and dear to me because of this anxiety and that I want to be free I want to be happy and more importantly that I can't do it alone. I gave it some time and Sunday night I had a feeling to check online again for anxiety counselors so I did and guess what I found one who accepted payments on a sliding fee scale and she specializes in anxiety. I read about her and she had a friendly face so I decided to send her office an email. You can imagine my surprise when first thing Monday she calls me. We talk a little bit and she's so friendly and helpful she explains to me that she can help and she tells me about a process called EMDR which stands for Eye Movement Desensitizing Reprocessing it's a therapy used for those who have experienced trauma, anxiety related to that and PTSD. She encouraged me to look it up and we set up an appointment for Tues so we could meet and Wed in case I wanted to proceed. Today my meeting with her was wonderful. She heard me loud and clear something that was amazing to me for so long people even well meaning people just didn't understand. I felt like I was crazy or something. She and I talked a lot and we figured out that my anxiety is trauma related boiling down to that one life changing incident when I was ten years old. I haven't been able to really process it so I got backlogged in my brain and got behind and as a result my brain went on overload so it's kinda been a domino effect. So we talked she explained what she wanted to do and I gave my go ahead. We are going to have a two hour session tomorrow and she will walk me through the events and have me revisit it but do it in a way that will be interesting. I will be hearing headphones listening to music that I will first hear in one ear and then the other, I also will be holding two plastic things in each hand that will vibrate first one then the other as we are revisiting this place. The thought process is that is how our brain naturally processes what happens to us during the day that's what happens during rem sleep that's why it's called that rapid eye movement. She is going to help my brain get that trauma unstuck so that everything else can get sorted out. She told me it may be intense and I may feel tired or vulnerable but I'm ready. I can't live like this anymore. I told her that it will be 22 years I don't want to talk it out it's been talked to death. I told her I just want to process it and get it out of there so I can move on from it. It will still be there but the pain will be gone from it so I can focus on moving on and the rest will take care of itself. I can not only survive but thrive. I'm so grateful my prayers have been heard and answered and that she can get me unstuck. She betting and she's been doing this a long long time that once this has been dealt with once and for all that most or if not all my anxiety will start gradually going away as I learn to view things and process them for what they are and not attach fear to them and make them into more than what they originally were. So anyway I'm really really thankful that my voice has been heard and that I can do this process and that she is willing to help me. I'm ready for this last step so I can bust through and be the amazing person I was meant to be.