Humbled by my Father's love

Its been crazy moving right before Christmas but it was worth it. The peace we have found in our new home aka apartment has been more than worth it. That brings me to the title of my post. We have been blessed and humbled by our Heavenly Father's love. We have a kind caring new ward although we have had yet to be able to meet them in person due to family obligations. A ward member helped us move then he just gave us a queen size bed that had barely been used complete with a nice wood frame and all its bedding on Christmas Day. We were brought to tears of joy and gratitude as we had been sleeping on the floor for some time now. Then I had been feeling overwhelmed. Not by a lack of faith but because of my anxiety disorder from time to time my spirit gets uneasy and I need to know I am being cared for by a higher power. Well, my husband is impressing me. In our old home he didn't feel as if he could do anything with his priesthood that he always had to ask his fathers permission in order to use it. In our new home he already has used his priesthood much to my delight and joy. He surprised me by telling me that the first thing he did was say a special prayer dedicating this new home to the Lord. I knew he had without him telling me it felt different it felt like we were on sacred ground. Next, he gave me my first real priesthood blessing. He had given a couple before but always under the direction of his dad or someone else. This time it was just him and I. I have been really struggling with my anxiety disorder and because of that its easy for the adversary to convince me that God is not there and that he doesn't have time to be burdened by my cares and worries.I expressed to him my concern and told him, " Honey, I need you I need your priesthood this is something I can't do myself something that just a prayer will not fix." He responded with a heart felt blessing that went immediately to my heart and began to soothe my troubled soul. If this is an omen of things to come it will be a good one for sure. It was a wonderful decision for us to break away on our own, attend our own ward and find our own niche. We already are growing as a family because of it. 

Why so bubbly??

I'm not ashamed to express myself or my feelings. So I will give a very honest answer to a question I am asked often. I was asked a very honest question again recently why so bubbly? Why so uplifting and why so cheerful? Well....its really quite simple once you have walked the line to the darker side and almost gave into it like I did you can not tempt that again. Its easier once you have almost given up on life and have given into the darkness to revisit that place. I have to try and stay optimistic because if I don't I go to that dark place eventually and that place terrifies me it is not a pleasant place to go. I accidently went there a few weeks back because I was so emotionally drained and depleted. It was not a pleasant experience. Fortunately for me I have a loving Father in Heaven who saved me from myself and I was not there long. He inspired my husband to immediately comfort me in such a way that I knew did not come from just him. He also sent me a few others who were guided to know just what to do to help. After that experience I know for a certainty that I can not do anything to put myself in that position again. Next time I may not be so fortunate. So if I come across as annoying in my optimism I'm sorry but for me it literally is what saves me from myself. If I let myself dwell on negative things I go quickly back to a dark place. A place where everything is not logical or rational, everything is taken out of context and eventually dark forces try and convince me to end my life's mission before its natural conclusion. I can not have that there is so much I still have left to do so bubbly it is. 

From the very bottom of my heart

Words can not express the gratitude that has been filling my heart these last few months. I've struggled with my activity in the church. Not because I don't have a testimony but because I'm human and its so easy to let human emotions get in the way. I've let discouragement, resentment and hurt feelings get in the way. I've let myself feel like I don't have anything in common with others in the church because I don't have children in my life. Sometimes I still feel this way but I've now realized how all that is coming from the adversary who does not want me to be active. He does not want me to come and grow and be spiritually fed. Damian and I are preparing to leave this ward and its a mixed feeling in my heart. I love this ward even when we weren't the most active they didn't quit on us, they didn't give up on us. We've had inspired leadership who has shown us unconditional love, encouragement and support. We have been really blessed by the love of the sister missionaries in our ward. Their hearts are so full of genuine love and compassion for us and our eternal welfare. They came to see us this afternoon and as we visited about things and life in general I felt compelled to tell them how my inactivity happened. It didn't happen overnight I hadn't intended for it to occur but it did and I've felt discouraged ever since. I've felt like it was too late, like I was too far gone. Those sweet sister missionaries assured me that its never too late, we are never out of the reach of our Savior as long as we continue to try to reach out to him. They encouraged me to break up everything into smaller steps including coming back into activity. I immediately began to feel better. I have been reading my scriptures and praying more often. The next step that I am ready to add is going to church each week. I still need to add paying a tithing and other things to my life but that will come. For now I need to remember that I have to take things one step at a time I will get there. I do want you all to know that I do believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and know that this is His work and His church. He sends those willing to listen to help him and help succor those in need of succor. I have responded as I have because I've felt the love of those trying to help us and have felt the love of my Savior. The sister missionaries are getting ready to move on and I will miss them and their energy but I will be forever grateful for them. I'm grateful to them for listening to the spirit and for not quitting on us. I'm grateful to them for their encouraging words of support and kindness. It can be very overwhelming to come back to church when you don't know where to begin. I've learned from them to just start going and let the rest fall into place line upon line precept upon precept. 

Breaking through a personal weight plateau

I did it I can't believe it!! I had struggled personally to get past my 280s I had even regained weight almost completely undoing what I had tried so hard to do. I don't know how I busted through it but I did. I had noticed that I was feeling a little lighter and my clothes were hanging on me so I decided to weigh myself sure enough I'm down. Not only did I bust through my plateau I almost am down to my next goal of being in my 260s I am so pleased right now. I think a big part of it is that I am not stress eating any longer. A lot of drama has been going on in my husbands family and we decided that we would no longer be a part of it. That has been HUGE because a lot of stress has now been taken off of me and our marriage in general. We still have stress in our lives and a lot going on but its manageable stress because I've decided to just not have any drama. That's been really helping my anxious feelings too although I still am excited to be able to get some professional help for that soon. But anyway getting back to my accomplishment I'm down 23 lbs and that feels amazing. That is the most weight I think I've lost in my life without the help of any outside eating program like Weight Watchers etc. That feels amazing because I'm learning that I can have self control and that I can do this. I've also learned that I can enjoy time out with a friend and still not sabotage my healthy eating. I'm happy about that too because lets face it, its pretty dull and boring if you can't enjoy time with friends and yummy food once in awhile. 

Shedding Grateful Tears

I once again am really really grateful for a General Conference talk. In recent years I had struggled with severe depression but when that had subsided anxiety and panic disorders had taken their place. I wondered what was wrong with me why I couldn't just "chill" like so many well meaning people tried to encourage me to do. I wanted to but everything made me anxious and on edge. I lost job after job and I was losing this battle. Well, the first thing that helped was when I got some professional counseling. It was such a relief to know that my symptoms had a name, that they were real and I wasn't just being a "drama queen". I was helped as much as possible but the panic attacks were brutal and they would require treatment that just counseling could not provide. My chest would tighten, my heart would pound uncontrollably and I would sometimes hyperventilate. I wish I could say something would trigger them but they would happen without warning sometimes several times a day. My life revolved around just trying to survive. It was so frustrating. I've been taking a herbal supplement that has helped to a great extent but it still only helps the symptoms. They are still there, my anxiety is still there lurking in the shadows. I'm hoping that come the first part of the year when my new medical coverage takes effect that I can finally find some real relief. Anyway, this talk by Elder Holland brought tears to my eyes. Bless this dear man for acknowledging the severity and reality of mental distress. I've been so hurt and discouraged when some well meaning people in the church counseled me to just have more faith and relax. If it were only so simple. I appreciate Elder Holland for his blessed, inspired counsel to not only those who suffer and their loved ones but to others as well. The only way we can truly begin to help is to try and understand. Mental disorders of all kinds are very real and they can be debilitating to those who have them. Sometimes it takes all the strength I have in a day to just function. I feel so blessed to know the Lord is aware of my daily struggles and that he is aware of me and loves me. I feel so much comfort to know that he will continue to help me in my fight to try and battle my anxious, obsessive thoughts. For those who haven't read this wonderful, inspired talk I encourage you to do so. http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng

My struggles have not been in vain

As I've been reading through past conference talks to create my own personal doctrinal quote book based on various gospel topics I have felt overwhelmed by the Spirit. I missed General Conference but am looking forward to reading and listening to the talks online. I did get to read a talk President Monson gave to the Relief Society and my heart was overwhelmed with love and joy. I felt that he had been talking to me. He spoke about life's challenges and how the Lord is aware of us even during those dark times, we do not suffer in vain the Lord loves us and uses our struggles for our benefit. This has such a personal connection to me because for many many years after my dad's death I was locked into a depression so deep that I felt as if I was in a black hole. There was no escape I thought and there are no words to describe the agony, hopelessness, and misery that were my daily life. I went through the motions but that was all, I was numb to all feeling. I didn't think that anyone or anything could reach me and eventually I let the darkness overcome me and in time I actually heard whispering in my ear that it would be better if I were dead. I was no longer able to fight so I almost went along with that idea. This talk reminded me of that time not because of that pain but because of His love. He knows me He loves me personally, I am His child. He knew I had lost hope, He knew I could no longer fight but He also knew I had work to do, I still had a purpose. He sent Young Women leaders who in their infinite wisdom nurtured and included me in everything from activities to even being a part of the class leadership. Under their care I began to blossom and understand my infinite worth. I still struggled daily however, so their efforts would not be enough reinforcements would be needed. That came in the form of good LDS friends from a neighboring ward who took me under their wing strengthening and fortifying me on a daily basis. I should have gotten mental help but at that time I did not trust strangers I was like a wounded animal and fought anyone who I did not know. The Lord knew this too so my friends were strengthened by Him and taught how to reach me. Many times their acts of love, service, and encouragement were just the healing balm I needed. When I lost my will to fight and almost yielded they read inspired scripture to remind me to stay the course and keep fighting. When I felt like I didn't have a friend in the world they embraced me making me feel like I was a part of them. Given time and patience I was able to get strong again and I was able to keep fighting. I am so grateful to a loving Father in Heaven who knew me and loved me and sent angels on Earth to help me in my time of distress. This distress was not wasted, because of it I learned how to succor and lift another. I had experienced intense pain and misery and because of that I could feel and understand when someone else was going through a painful experience. I see now many years later how the Lord used this to educate and help me. He was showing me that nothing we ever go through is out of reach of the healing balm of our Savior. Everything is for our good no matter how gut wrenching or painful. I was being schooled in how to reach out and love another as our Savior loved. I still have work to do but understanding now why I went through this struggle has helped me embrace it and has helped me move past it. I am so grateful to a loving Father who knows me and loves me enough to send me reinforcements in my time of need. I am so grateful to the dear friends he sent to help strengthen me, love me and help me. I am so grateful for the Young Women's program and the values and lessons I was taught there. It is a wonderful inspired program. 

Our Summer, life and other stuff

First off sorry its been so long things have kinda been crazy. Over the fourth of July Damian and I had a great vacation in Hillsboro, OR. We took our first ever Amtrak train ride and it was amazing! My only regret was that I had worked the evening prior so by the time I was able to wind down in our hotel late that afternoon I had been up for over 24 hours. I was pretty beat up. Other than that we had a great time. My Uncle Reed and Aunt Myra hosted our family reunion and also had an amazing fireworks show. There were a lot of fun times but the fireworks really were the focal point. I also got to experience an awesome, quirky ice cream shop that had crazy flavor combinations yet somehow they worked. Damian got to experience his own adventures riding the transit system and exploring. He also got to meet up with an old friend so I'm glad he was able to do that while we were there. He hadn't seen him since our wedding in 2000. We flew home since Damian hadn't been on an airplane either. He loved flying but said if he had time to travel by train that's what he would prefer. We didn't have the means to get to Port Angeles for Damian's family reunion after all but that's okay. They have it every year. I'm glad we did make it for the Christensen reunion. My grandparents are still in good health thank goodness however, they are both getting older so we cherish these times when we have them. In August I had to have a tooth out that had been cracking and causing me some issues. I've been used to having teeth out but this one caused me some problems. Thankfully its out, I'm healed and life has moved on. Work is still the same as always I'm not quite full time right now I'm working 27 hours but I won't complain. Full time was great for a short while but I struggled a lot because of my dental challenges. I'm trying to get my production back up so I can hopefully move back up. If not I won't complain I have enough to take care of our bills. I am no longer doing the Pathways program, I had to take a hiatus because of work conflicts. However, I gleaned so much from the program it was never a waste of my time. Words can not describe what all I learned from this wonderful, inspired program. School may be in the cards for me again someday but for now I'm focusing on working and taking care of my family. That's about it, oh and I'm down almost 20 lbs again. I've gotten myself and my body figured out so I think this weight loss journey will start going a lot more smoothly than before. 

Sorry its been so long

I'm so sorry its been awhile since I posted things have been so crazy around here but in a good way. I'm still managing my anxiety and more has been heaped on my plate. Instead of running for the hills I'm embracing everything and learning to manage. I got promoted to full time the end of April. I love my job even more now and have had a chance to shine. The more appointments I've been able to set the more sales (and commission money) I've been able to make. I'm still doing Pathways and am doing well considering I don't have all day everyday to devote to school. I am keeping good grades and have learned time management which has helped tremendously. That's been about it, oh and Damian is a small business owner. Next on the horizon is my family reunion in July, Damian's in August. In between that we are wanting to save for a car, a better apartment and then drum roll please start the classes to get certified for foster adoption. It feels so close now we can start to get excited its been a rough road but we're ready now. I'll try to keep you all better informed as things move forward. 

No need to panic

I was not going to really broadcast this out loud but after sharing this experience with my bishop this afternoon he encouraged me to share it. Many of you who read this blog know that I suffer from extreme anxiety. For years it was debilitating I could barely function. Then a couple of years ago I started taking an herbal supplement which has helped some but still it was a problem. Now, my anxiety is basically no more I still take my herbal supplement on occasion but I'm down to less than half of the amount I had been taking. The reason you may ask, I have found my happiness, peace and hope again. I had lost myself but now I am found and I have found my sense of peace and security in knowing that I am empowered and able to make my own choices. Yes, I am accountable for those choices but it is my life to live no one else's. I've grown so much feeling like I am in control of something. Also, a bigger part of it is my increased faith and knowledge in the Lord Jesus Christ and his role in my life. He loves me he knows me and he will help me. He suffered so that I don't have to. It has been through this Pathways program that these two things have come to pass. I've grown closer to the Lord and the Spirit as I've been studying the Book of Mormon. I've also been learning self reliance and self accountability as I've been in this program as well. I am so grateful again for a loving Father in Heaven and a loving bishop and stake president who listened to the promptings and helped me see it too. It feels so good to not panic anymore and to have my life back. 

Rome wasn't built in a day

After my last post I wish I could say I kept the momentum going but sadly I did not. I fell into a small pity party and just vegged a week in my chair. This has been really really discouraging lately just when I do great and have hit full speed something happens that just makes me slam on my brakes. I was just really frustrated. Fortunately, for me I have a loving Father in Heaven who knows this and knows me. The other night at my gathering for school we were discussing goals which was our topic for the week. We went over how to set better goals that are more effective. One of my classmates said she felt inspired to share her weight loss journey since she had recently shed almost 80lbs. I told her after class how grateful I was I needed to hear that. I told her of my struggles and how I just get so frustrated. She told me to just keep at it slow and steady and think about all the changes in my life I have been making already. She also reminded me to take my struggles to the Lord and ask for his help and guidance. Above all else she told me to be gentle on myself and remember Rome wasn't built in a day my weight didn't come on in a day and it won't come off that way either. Slow and steady will win the day. I am so grateful right now for her and a loving Father in Heaven who knows me and knows what I'm trying to achieve. 

An update on my goals

For those of you who are keeping up with my health, fitness and weight loss goals this post is for you. I'm so proud of myself right now. I've now exercised three days straight. Not only that but I'm exercising on a step at a high intensity for almost 15 minutes. I'm loving stepping to Latin music it has a great beat and helps the time just fly by. I also am so appreciative of my brother who helped me learn how to exercise properly. Now that I know how to warm up, cool down and stretch I'm not sore and achy afterwards. I feel good and I feel the stress just melting away the more that I exercise. 

Lowest weight ever

I'm having a proud proud moment I have reached my lowest weight ever. I also was able to exercise on my step for 20 minutes this morning. I have never been able to do that before. Granted, I had to break it up into two 10 minute chunks but still I did 20 minutes. I'm enjoying how I'm feeling again as I am taking better care of my health. I did discover that exercise was so much better than sweets or comfort food for relieving stress. I was really stressed out until I started to exercise and now all my stress is gone and I feel amazing. 

The most unique way to learn

This week we have been learning about the learning model BYU-Idaho has and to be honest with you its amazing but completely foreign to me. It consists of three parts be prepared, teach and be taught and ponder and prove. The be prepared part is pretty self explanatory you are expected to come to class prepared and have had your assignments done ahead of time. Part of that is also coming prepared with insights or questions you may have. The next part is to teach and be taught basically we all are in this together and we learn together in an environment that is kind and respectful. This is what has been the most unique for me I'm used to a college environment where I've been talked at for an hour. Granted I am doing this online but this model still applies I've never been in an environment where the instructor has let us teach and learn from each other its really great. It is so helpful in the learning process because it helps me to be prepared for class but also it helps me learn because if I can explain it to someone else I know it. The last part of the learning model is to ponder and prove. This last area I am still pretty weak in I will admit but I'm getting better as the weeks progress. Pondering and proving involves personal responsibility for our learning it is ultimately up to us what we get from the classes we take. I'm learning to go above and beyond the call of duty and do more than the bare minimum. It's still hard right now but as I'm seeking out more knowledge about a subject I'm finding I'm liking the extra effort it takes. Another part of that is to find ways to connect what you are learning to your life and apply it so its not just useless knowledge in your head somewhere. This has been really really different from any other college environment that I've known in a wonderful way its pretty amazing the confidence that I've been feeling as I've been learning to seek learning by knowledge and by faith as the Doctrine and Covenants say.  

Oh and Lissa this is for you lol

Oh and Lissa this is for you you asked for an update on how I'm doing in my other goals including weight loss. The answer is okay I had gained quite a bit over the holidays but the good news is that I'm back on track and starting to lose again. I'm almost down to what I was before Christmas just a couple of pounds to go. Its actually been helpful that school is keeping me busy at home sometimes I forget to eat. When I do eat I definitely don't eat as much as I once did so its been really helpful to not feel as bored. Now if this darn cold would go away I could get back to exercising. Anyway, the process continues I think my overall approach has just been overall wellness. I noticed that when I feel good about myself that everything falls into place together. I want to take care of my body I want to eat better I want to make good choices so its coming along patience is a virtue. I didn't pack on an extra 160 or so pounds overnight so it won't come off that way. 

Feeling better

Thanks to all of you for your comments and support they really do mean a lot. I think speaking up and reaching out really helped I was able to have a voice and I was able to vocalize how I felt and that helped a lot to make things better. The encouragement is nice too because to be honest for a moment I thought to myself what am I doing this is crazy. I could be working more I could be doing more but then I had to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. I am taking care of my family by furthering my education. So I'm not only going to stick with it but I am going to go even further I am going to go for my dreams my whole dream not just part of it. That includes not only getting my AA degree but getting my Bachelors of Arts in Education. What kind I have yet to determine as I will pray about that as the time gets closer. What have I learned this week that helped me? One, I'm not alone I reached out to other classmates online who have felt this way too and that helped. My instructor for that class also reached out a hand of encouragement which was really great. I also got encouragement from so many others thank you so much. I know I have to get this degree for myself but words of kindness and support mean so much to keep my momentum going. Two, I learned that I can hang tough I didn't quit I didn't falter even when I felt blah I finished my assignments and I finished them on time. Three, the Lord is mindful of me even during my tough times. One particularly lonely day I found on youtube a video someone posted that was over an hour long of Micheal McLean songs. God bless them I listened and many of them I needed to hear to keep me going. I started off crying and crying and crying some more. Then as I cried it out the tears dried and I was able to really hear the message that I needed to. I felt the Spirit embrace me like a warm hug and I felt better. I also felt better just for letting the tears flow it was cleansing in a way. This will not be an easy journey but now I know more than ever that the Lord wants me to go on this path. He has prepared a way he is mindful of me and he will not let me fail if I do two things, give it my best effort and turn to him when my best effort just isn't enough. 

I need help please

I'm reaching out for some help and advice because I know many of you who read my blogs have gone through or are going through what I am currently so you may be able to help me out. I love school I love that I have a chance to learn but man its been an emotional roller coaster too. Its had lots of highs for one thing I have 2 A's and I'm proud of that but its also had its lows too which I will get to in a moment. I am grateful last week that we studied the phases of adjustment so I would kind of know what to expect as I got settled into my new college environment if you will but there was one phase that hit me just now that I was not expecting and to be honest its taken the wind almost out of my sails. Its the mental isolation phase which is characterized by feeling well isolated. I feel isolated, I feel blah, I feel lonely and it really really sucks. I was not expecting to feel this way because its not like I'm hundreds of miles away from home. I don't know what to do about it besides wait it out. The good news this phase means I'm almost done with my adjustment so that's really good. I am wondering if any of you have felt what I am feeling and if so how did you handle it? What did you do to help make things better? I am reaching out for help and support so I don't feel so isolated and alone. Damian has been wonderful and supportive but at the same time he is no help in this situation because he has never been through what I'm going through. Any words of advice etc would be extremely helpful. Thanks a million and I do feel a little better just being honest about how I'm feeling. 

My faith and testimony have increased

I am just a few weeks into my studies but I wanted to note just a couple of things that have really changed in my life. I have had to basically walk with faith and walk in faith I have no idea to be honest with you how a lot of things will work out especially since now I can't work full time or even extra shifts like I had been able to before when I've needed to. However, I do know that the Lord knows me, loves me and is mindful of our needs. I truly believe especially as I've started to pay my tithing that my faith and testimony have increased and I know that he will make a way for it all to work out and for it all to be okay. I have learned to let go and let him. I have started a habit of sincerely praying throughout the day as I've needed guidance but especially if a shift at work gets difficult or before I begin my studies. I've noticed a difference I'm calmer I'm not as prone to panic and things go smoother. Not easier always but smoother because I know the Lord is aware of me and he will help me as I do what is right and do my best to follow his commandments and be obedient. For a long time I've been stubbornly doing my own thing and you know I floundered and now that I'm not fighting things are better. I'm doing well so far in my classes and things are going well at work so I have sufficient for my needs right now. I'm so grateful for this inspired Pathways program and I'm so grateful for a loving Father in Heaven who knows me and loves me flaws and all. I'm grateful for his hand in my life and for his guidance as I try to improve things and become more self reliant. I'm grateful for the atonement and all that it means and that its because of the atonement that I can turn myself around, repent and attempt to do better when I make mistakes. I also wanted to say thanks for the support and kind words it really does mean a lot because to be honest sometimes I wondered if I had lost my mind to be going back to school when I could have worked more hours to "provide" for my family. That's another thing the Lord has blessed me with lately and that's an eternal perspective getting my education is for the future not the short term, In the short term I am working a pretty much dead end job with no job security so I could chase after it and hope and pray that it lasts but in getting my education I can assure a better more secure future for my family so that' what I'm going to do no matter what challenges present themselves. I now know and understand what my Stake President meant when he called me and talked to me about Pathways he told me to keep walking even if for the first few steps you have to walk in the dark the Lord will light the way. He will open doors he is mindful of you but you have to be in a place where he can do that for you. He does not ask us to do something without having a way in mind. I'm so grateful for that wisdom and that council.

School Days are back again

I'm so excited its official I am once again a college student. It took more than a little prodding I will admit I'm very stubborn but thanks to a more stubborn Bishop and Stake President I'm in the Pathways program the LDS church has set up in partnership with BYU-Idaho. Its set up like this my first three semesters I'm in the same two classes as others in my age group. Its my first semester so we're taking a life skills course and the first half of the Book of Mormon. Each semester is designed to help us assimilate to life in college. After we complete the first year we then are able to move on and become full fledged BYU-Idaho students. Its online and I'm loving it so much more than I did a traditional classroom. The work isn't less but I like that I can discuss topics with students all over I think that is just so cool. I know I just got started but I'm learning so much already I've read the Book of Mormon hundreds if not thousands of times over the course of my life but I've never before gotten so much out of it. I am excited to learn more and I really have felt the difference that comes from learning in an environment where the spirit can dwell. I'm feeling my testimony grow so much already its going to be amazing what happens as the semesters progress.