Finally feeling like I fit in

Today was really really awesome at church not only did I feel the Spirit and had wonderful insights but at the same time I really feel like I have some friends and I fit in. In fact I had a feeling today to go to the Gospel Principles class and I didn't know why until afterward Damian's family that he home teaches was sitting beside us and after class she came up to me and introduced herself and her husband and said you know we have gotten to know Damian we would like to get to know you would you and Damian like to come over for dinner some night? I said that would be great but here's my number because I don't have a calendar in front of me. They seem like awesome people and I'm so excited because I have been a married adult since 2000 and I haven't ever felt like I belonged or had friends in any of the wards I have been in. It just feels good to fit in and feel like I matter to someone. I'm excited maybe we will try and stay here in Airway Heights after all we will just have to see.

Sometimes You Just Have Had Enough!

I feel the need to share this song I have reached a point in my life and personal growth where I have had to draw clear boundaries and where I just can't keep giving and giving in one way relationships so basically sorry for the swear words but I'm done I have reached a point with some people where I have done all I can for them I can't give anymore than what I have. Sorry

Of course I'm happy

I was asked a few days ago if I was happy with my life and with my husband and my answer was yes. I have been asked by this person several times and my answer is the same yes I am because you know what if I wasn't I wouldn't be with my husband. I would not choose to live my life with someone that didn't make me happy. We were on the brink of divorce two years ago I won't deny that because it's part of our history together however we also worked everything out and while we still have issues we are happy together and we work through them. I am also happy despite the fact that we have little money money doesn't buy happiness or love and I would rather have love than all the riches in the world while still having enough money to buy what we need. Damian may not have been what some people would have picked for me if we had been in the age of arranged marriages and he is an aquired taste but I am thankful we are NOT in the age of arranged marriages and that I chose him because I love him he is a good man and while he is not the perfect husband he does try and that alone makes up a lot the fact that he wants to make me happy. I can't imagine being with anyone else ever so get off my back will ya? I'm happy and want to continue to live my life the way my husband and I see fit to live it.

Damian's 34th Birthday

Damian turned 34 the same day as my mom May 19th but bless his heart he was willing to take the back seat this year so we could focus on mom and her 50th birthday. He was patient about not stealing her big day from her but we had a good celebration too, we went to grandma and grandpa Christensen's for a steak dinner which is Damian's favorite meal and we had cake and ice cream. Damian and I had also gone to Subway the day before so that we our dinner out together. I am hoping he had a good birthday he said he had so I hope so. He's a good man and I love him so much that I want him to have a good day and I wanted him to feel loved and special.

Mom's 50th Birthday Bash

My mom turned 50 on May 19 however we decided to have mom's birthday party on Saturday night May 16th. Geoff and Amber graciously offered us their house for the evening and we acted like secret agents planning a surprise party for mom with not only her kids and two grand kids but also with her mom whom came as a birthday surprise since mom had no idea she was coming and our grandma and grandpa Christensen who brought my cousin Garrett with them. In addition to some family many of mom's friends came as well. Mom was so touched that we did this for her and she got teary when she saw her mom and also when she opened her gift from her kids, we got mom a mother's ring and mom put it on at once and I get a feeling she won't take it off again for awhile. I know mom was pleased with her gifts and her party although she asked us not to make a fuss over her I think she was happy that we did. My mom is a good mom and she deserved to be a queen for the evening.



Okay I know the name of this post is my mom's 50th birthday bash but I couldn't resist this picture of me holding my newest little nephew Gaige this is a rare picture where his eyes are open. Isn't he cute?

I also wanted to include a picture of Damian holding Gaige as well he is such a proud uncle.


Okay here is the first pictures of my mom's party the party was held at my brother Geoff's house well the one he shares with his wife, Amber this is a banner that Amber's parents got for the occasion.
I love the balloons they say something about being the big five oh. The whole color scheme for
the party was black and white with black plates and cups and white napkins and forks. We just had cake and punch at Geoff and Amber's.Pretty self explanatory my mom's birthday cake. I really liked it and mom did too she was really touched we did this for her.

This is a picture of my mom if she has a goofy look on her face that's because she was in the middle of laughing at something and she didn't know I was taking her picture I love candid shots they are so fun.
My mom about ready to blow out the candles and NO we didn't put 50 on there if we had that probably would have been a fire hazard that and my mom is NOT a fan of melted candle wax on cake. I can't say I blame her.
This is a picture of mom with her three kids, my sister Gwynne is on the left side of mom, I'm on the right and our brother Geoff is in the middle. We took this chance to get some family pictures taken.

My sister in law, Amber being silly she doesn't like her picture being taken really but I insisted I wanted her to feel included too since I had taken several of my not so little anymore brother. She is Gaige's mom just for the record and she is a wonderful mother to him.
I couldn't resist this picture either my sister holding her daughter my cutie pie niece, Lexus. I can't believe that little bunch of sunshine is going to be two all ready.

Faith of the Heart!!

I wanted to share this video so much this song really sums up how I feel right now. I feel so free inside like I can do anything I don't feel trapped anymore by myself and my doubts and fears. This song reminds me to have faith in my heart and that although it's been a long road I got there.

You are Loved!!!

This video I think speaks for itself enjoy!!

Something FINALLY clicked for me tonight

This evening was our ward's enrichment night and usually I don't go because I'm not that into crafts and stuff so I never think about it. Well, tonight I went because it was different for two reasons 1) our husbands were allowed to come and 2) we had a speaker who is an expert on family and individual counseling talk to us. Damian couldn't go but I did with my in-law's and it was wonderful. I actually socialized and found that I had fun in the process and the speaker was WONDERFUL. He really talked about our self worth and how Heavenly Father sees us that we are loved in his eyes despite our flaws. He also talked about how our behaviors can be pinpointed to one thing what was written on our imaginary chalkboards when we were growing up what were we programmed to believe about ourselves. That has been making a lot of sense to me as I have been working hard to reprogram myself. He also shared a parable about a cracked water pot and how although it was cracked and only carried home half the water at the same time the lady who owned the pot knew this and decided to plant flower seeds along the path to her house and everyday that cracked pot leaks water and waters those flowers. Basically, it comes down to this we are imperfect beings and that's okay Heavenly Father still manages to use our strengths to bring about wonderful things. We are the ones I think that let ourselves think we aren't good enough or that we have to be perfect and do everything when in reality we really don't we are good enough all ready just as we are. I'm glad I went tonight I needed to know that and hear that and I was able to take that home to Damian and we had a good discussion about that tonight. I can say that for the first time in a long time that I'm starting to be at peace inside myself and it's a wonderful feeling. I found my root cause of my anxiety I had been programmed to think that I was only going to be loved and liked if I was constantly running around trying to do everything for everyone when in reality I am loved just as I am that is a peaceful feeling one that I don't want to let go of.

My Birthday Gift from Mom

Oh I just realized that I forgot to update everyone what my birthday gift from my mom was it was an afghan and not only that but it was HOMEMADE!!! It is red, white and blue just like I wanted and it is really soft and really warm in fact if I wasn't using it right now I would get up and take a picture of it to show you it is just beautiful a wonderful gift that I will treasure for the rest of my life hopefully it will last that long. It's just the perfect size for my lap and my husband is happy now because for some reason my feet and legs are always cold BUT yet I HATE wearing socks go figure and we always wage a battle over it because he is always roasting so this solves the problem I can stay warm and he can still be comfortable.

Really Feeling the Urge to go to BYU for Education Week

Yeah I know it's getting to be last minute for trying to go to BYU for Education Week although it technically isn't held until August but for some reason I am feeling the urge to go and I'm feeling it quite strongly. I have always wanted to go but Damian isn't into lectures and classes although I think I could learn a lot and have a great experience so I let time go by thinking that the only way I could go was with him. Well, now that I am feeling more self confident I was thinking you know what who says I need to be with my husband to go so I really am trying to figure out how to go. I am not having an issue with finding a flight or with the registration fee but where my issue is is trying to find a place to stay while I'm there since more than likely by now the campus housing and a lot of places are starting to fill up. I think I'm going to have to pray about it some more and this may be one time where I trust in the Lord that he will help me find a way if he really wants me to go this year. I am thankful for Damian's support when we talked about it he was really good about my wanting to go and being gone for a week or so and he assured me that he would try and help me get there. I love him for that and for knowing how important it is to me that I go heck if I have as good of a time as I think I will have I just might make it a tradition :D

Needing a swift kick in the rear once in awhile

I've been learning more about myself lately and I have not been liking what I have been learning but it's the truth and you can't hide from that forever. I have been learning that along with my not liking change I also tend to have great things I want to do like losing weight but then I just keep sitting on my every growing rear end. I can say I have made some positive changes I am no longer a fast food greasy food junkie woohhooo and I also am drinking more water and I have stopped my emotional eating completely but other than that I am not getting as far as I would like. The desire is there I know I want to be active and healthy and not frump around my house also the thought that I might end up wearing a mu mu because nothing else will fit scares me too. I have been realizing though that perhaps desire alone is not enough I need to figure out how to get from point A to point B I do good for awhile but then something gets lost before I get to my destination. So after some good long thinking about it I think I will try and find the means to join the Y and after some reading I found that I can pay for up to 24 weeks of personal training through the Y with a program they have that offers personal training to someone that wants to get started with their goals but doesn't know where to start. I wasn't going to do this at first but then I realized that I need a swift kick in the rear to get me going someone that will not only help me learn how to exercise right and weight train right so I don't injure myself and teach me how to use the gym equipment but who will also make me keep going and not let myself quit. I think once I get going I will be fine it's the getting going and taking that last leap that seems to be difficult.

Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms I know! I'm proud of myself today though I got out of bed this morning I say this because for many years on Mother's Day Sunday I would hide with the covers over my head feeling sorry for myself the thought of what Mother's Day represents too painful for me to think about. I of course was thankful for my own mom but the idea of listening to children sing their Primary Mother's Day songs when one of them could have potentially been old enough to have been one of my children was just too much to bear. I would just hide and cry for years but I don't know what changed this year. It started out that I was just going to get up and get out of bed for my mother in law's sake but then something changed last night I'm not sure what it was. I was up most of the night with heart burn and while I was up I was doing some thinking and pondering about things and about my life in general where it is going and where I would like it to go when a peace came over me. I then decided to go to bed and right before I went to sleep I just prayed a little prayer asking for comfort today just in case I get a little emotional when I heard a voice come into my mind the words were quite simple "I have not forgotten you or your desire to have a child be patient a little bit longer." I was instantly comforted and I think that is what has been the difference I used to be quite impatient even with the Lord wanting everything to be on my timing and I would throw a tantrum if things were not done when I thought they should be. I don't know why I have been asked to wait but what I do know now is that I have not been forgotten and that is good enough for me right now. At this point I can find comfort in even knowing that I have not been forgotten and that the Lord knows I am here and waiting and while he is asking me to wait I am trying to learn to wait patiently and use the time to try and improve my life so I'm just a little bit better. I still can't say that I don't ache for a child my love of children is just too strong but I'm learning to cope and trust in the Lord that all will be well.

Taking time for you

Lately, I have learned to enjoy something that for the longest time has been hard for me I have learned to enjoy simply taking time for me and whatever it is that makes me happy whether it be a nice hot bath or a movie or even a small pint of some high quality chocolate icecream. I used to think that taking time for me was not needed that I had an unlimited supply of energy and resources and that I could give and give and give to my husband and anyone else that needed me that was until I ran out of steam and drove myself almost insane in the process. Now, it's been hard for me to learn how to relax and enjoy the simple things in life sometimes but I keep at it and am starting to learn that kicking back once in awhile isn't so bad after all. I'm starting to learn to enjoy simple pleasures and a once in awhile indulgence like keeping my husband out of my hagen daz chocolate icecream my treat for myself that is being saved for the night that he goes out with his dad for their annual campout and will be slowly savored while I'm watching a movie or two and enjoying the peace of having my alone time. Ahhhh!! I like that idea because as much as I love having people around me being a social creature I have learned to enjoy some solitude every so often too. I can't wait to have a little time just for me.

Taking a moment for reflection

Today I went to the funeral of my friend Jandre's grandpa Bruce and I'm glad I got up REALLY early on a Saturday morning to go it was hard getting up at six to make my bus connections but Jandre if you are reading this I want you to know that you are TOTALLY worth it and I would do it again for you in a heartbeat. The service was really good and well put together and this may sound odd but something that was said about Bruce in his eulogy struck a chord with me. My whole life I struggled with one thing, I tend to quit when I hit an obstacle and roadblock and I know I need to stop doing that and I have really tried to be better about that. Well anyway, during the eulogy they talked about how most of Bruce's life was less than ideal but when something didn't work out for him he found another way and kept doing that until he found a way to accomplish his goal or what he had set out to do. I was inspired by that and what I really have wanted to do was teach in a daycare and I thought the ONLY way to do that was find a way to go to school for two years and inconvenience my family in the process by not being able to work for awhile. Well, I was sitting there today hearing the service and the idea hit me I don't have to be a head teacher I can ALWAYS get my basic STARS training, first aid and CPR certifications and start out as an aide and then work my way up. I can afford to do that. I will be forever grateful for the inspiration I recieved today to find another way around to get to where I need to go or to do what I need or want to do.