A year in review

This year has been an eventful one that's for sure but it has also given time for reflection. Some of the events of 2009 include but are not limited to...
My brother and his wife Amber welcoming their first born son Gaige into the family on February 3.
Lexus our first niece having her second birthday and really beginning to enjoy the festivities and presents.
My mom having her 50th birthday party and us being able to pull one over on her and surprise her.
I turned 29 and that hit me worse than any other birthday I have EVER had.
Our ward split from 670 people down to a more manageable size I also was called to be a Sunbeam teacher in the Primary.
Kaylee was born to my sister and her husband James and Lexus became a big sister in the process.
We had Christmas and for the first time Lexus was able to enjoy her presents and even "help" Gaige with his.
Lexus knows and can say each of our names even Damian's and little Gaige is working on learning to walk.
A few of my dear friends came back into my life blessing it greatly.
Along with these few events and I'm sure there was more I grew as a person I learned more about who I am and what I want. I learned to accept others as they are too and love them for who they are and not what I want them to become. I learned to fully love and accept myself flaws and all and I learned to let go and let God as the saying goes. It has been a good year for the most part and we hope that 2010 will be a good year as well.

Update on my writing

December has been a busy month for us like it is for most people so I have had little time to write. The good news is that I found a story I had written a few years ago on a pad of paper. I thought I had lost it so I re read it still liked what I had written so I am in the process of transforming my paper version into an electronic one so it can go through what my friend Barb calls a beta reading where things like grammar are corrected. Then I will be on to the final draft of it and after that it can go to where it can tell tales. I will not distribute it out to everyone but I will be happy to let anyone read it who asks nice so long as if you have a comment to make even if you don't like it it is made with tact and respect. I will no longer tolerate rudeness. In fact that's how I thought I lost this story a "friend" of mine that I had asked her to read it hated it so much that she threatened to throw it away. I would be more than happy to share my writing so long as there is mutual respect you don't have to like my writing style or what I write or how I write it but I do ask you to share your opinions in a respectful way and at least try and see my point of view and why I write how and what I write.

Nothing is Chance

I have been realizing more and more as I give myself to the feelings and inspirations of the Spirit that nothing I do is by chance. Take yesterday I had the opportunity to attend my home ward for the blessing of my beautiful niece Kaylee. While I was there I had a feeling to go out to the foyer and there was a dear friend of mine whom I had been thinking about and had not known how to reach. We talked awhile and we realized how much we need each other as friends at the moment. Some people would call that an accident or chance but I know better I was guided to her and she was receptive of my concern and friendship. I now know how to reach her and give her my phone number so we can reconnect. I am looking forward to getting reconnected with her and to get to know her three beautiful children. I honestly and truly believe that God works through others to accomplish important things. I can't tell you how many times when I was at the end of my rope that he sent a friend or loved one to comfort and help me. It was something as simple as a hug or a note or a phone call but it was so important. I now am in a position where I can be that for someone else and I am not writing this to toot my own horn but to just say that we need to listen to those feelings and inspirations to reach out because we really don't know if we are their last hope. I read a story a long time ago in Chicken Soup for the Soul that drove that point home to me and I will NEVER forget it. It was about a little boy who saw another little boy with full arms so he offered to help him carry his stuff home but in the process they got to talking and the one with the full arms was invited to the other ones home. He accepted and they became fast friends. Well quite some time later the one boy who had had his arms full told the other one that he had planned on committing suicide that day because he didn't think that anyone cared about him. We never know how the simplest act of love or kindness can effect someone.

My Christmas Angel

I had a wonderful Christmas Eve and Christmas spent with both sides of the family and it was event packed with food and family and gifts. To be fair I have received many wonderful and beautiful gifts. However, I got one tonight that touched my heart for a couple of reasons. My mother in law is a part of TOPS and she worked really hard to get enough TOPS dollars for an auction they had and because of it she was able to give Dani and I each a beautiful glass angel bell mine had peace etched on it. I know I shouldn't have a favorite gift but I can't help it. I LOVE angels for one and two she sacrificed her hard earned TOPS cash for us to get us such a beautiful present. I have not one but TWO Christmas angels now so I am really happy.

Angel and Nativity

It feels like Christmas now I know that sounds crazy as tomorrow is Christmas Eve but let me explain. Ever since I was a little girl my mom has had an angel on top of our Christmas tree that has a light and the wings move. It's beautiful that was my favorite part of our tree I used to watch her for hours on end. I also love all my mom's nativity scenes all the same but at the same all made from different materials. Mom would explain the importance of the nativity as she would put it up for the year. My mom has other decorations but those were my personal favorites. When I got married I wanted a nativity really bad it didn't feel like Christmas without one so a few years ago my grandma when she traveled to Italy I think she bought me one and I was really happy but I still was missing something. I didn't realize what it was until I was able to purchase an angel and now everything feels complete. We don't have a tree set up right now but she is perched up on top of a dvd tower looking out onto our living room. It's not as fancy as mom's is but to me it is wonderful to have one. Now I feel like my Christmas is complete.

Girls Night Out

Last night I had a really good time. My sister in law Dani just started doing Mary Kay and to help her out we are setting follow up appointments to try makeup looks for one and for two to give her a chance to practice using her flip chart. We had such an appointment last night at Damian's Aunt Joys house. It was just Dani, myself, my mother in law and Aunt Joy but we had a good time. We tried on makeup and it was nice to get real feedback and not crappy fake compliments, talked and we had a salad dinner. Mom brought green salad and a variety of different toppings for it, Dani and I brought pasta salads and Joy provided some salad toppings, 7-Up and desert. It was a lot of fun. What made it really fun and special for Dani and I honestly though was this time with our mother in law. For Dani especially this has been hard for her because when she married Shawn mom and dad were on pins and needles with Heather one of their daughters and when all this was going on mom kinda neglected the rest of us. Dani took that personally and so it was hard for her to get to know the kind loving person that Damian's mom can really be. It was special that Dani got to see that tonight and I'm getting to know my mother in law more and more. I have been in the family a long time now but I'm realizing mom is like an onion you can only peel off a little bit at a time because most of the time she really guards herself behind her sense of humor that is her defense mechanism. I am learning to see her for who she is and I am loving what I am seeing.

What I believe this world needs

I usually don't get on my soapbox about a lot of things but this is my blog so I am gonna. I have figured something out about myself I love peace and love and harmony I HATE hatred, bigotry and fighting. I HATE when innocent blood is shed ANYWHERE in this world. I hurt when I think of the Holocaust EVERY SINGLE ONE of them and the fact that they didn't need to die. I hurt when I think of Oklahoma City and the bombing there especially the innocent children who were in the day care center there. I cringe to see images from 9/11 and my heart cries inside. We are all God's children why do we have to do this? My heart is not capable of understanding this. I feel in my heart that love, acceptance and understanding would do so much maybe not solve everything but it would do something. My friend Barb says that God gave me a heart big enough to swallow the world she just may be right. I hid that about myself for a long time but now I am proud of that especially now in a world where hate is prevalent. I am proud that I still believe love and mercy still exist, I am proud to reach out my hand to help someone in need. I am proud that I still care enough to tell EVERYONE how much I love them family or not. I am proud that I try and do all I can to comfort and mourn with someone. I don't do any of this to get praise or attention but because it is not only the right thing to do but it is a way I feel that I can make a small difference and I REFUSE to stop. I may not be able to help or save everyone but I can do what I can for as many as I can. I want to include some videos that I feel sum up how I feel so much better than I ever could so enjoy and feel free to give me some honest feed back.

Live LIke You Were Dying

Events got me thinking and I realized that I needed to do somethings like make some amends life is too short for hate and grudges. I don't want to be on my death bed before I live like I am dying. I want everyone to know that I love them now while there is time to tell them.

Makes you Thiink

My sister in law Dani and her family got some devastating news yesterday they found out that her grandpa Wood has terminal cancer they are giving him three months without chemo and only six with. She is extremely close to him and her grandma both and this is rocking her to her very core. She doesn't know how she is going to handle this right now on top of everything else. I have added her grandpa, my brother in law Shawn and herself to the temple prayer roll and I will add her mother and grandmother tomorrow. Even if he isn't spared by prayers we can still reach out our arms by praying for comfort in their time of grief and to give them strength to handle the rough months ahead. This has gotten me thinking about my family sometimes they get on my nerves in fact a lot of times they do but at the same time I couldn't imagine myself without any of them. I got to thinking about what is really important today and that is friends and family. I have been stuck in a rut lately caught up with petty problems and hurts and disagreements but the truth is none of that stuff matters what matters is that our family and loved ones know how much they mean to us before it is too late.

Damian's Opportunity

Damian has been out of work for a couple of years now and despite putting in countless applications still had no luck. I have prayed and prayed about working again and I got the same resounding answer no so needless to say we have been frustrated lately. However, this changed a couple of weeks ago but came in the form of a life curve I wasn't ready for. Damian's friend Jason called him over there to help him with something and he was gone for hours on end so I was getting angry and frustrated so I called over there because he had told me he wasn't going to go over there on that particular day. Well, when he came home we had a big discussion and that's when I found out that Damian along with Jason and another friend of Jason's all had a chance to do something that could change our situation. I asked what it was and apparently Jason knows of a guy who owns a computer store in Elk and he is trying to branch out and he wants them to all work for him. I really was hesitant at first as Jason has tried to pull one over on Damian and myself before but as we talked it over and I saw Damian's passion and excitement I agreed to let him try it. He has been logging his hours into a time clock that has been created and he has been working quite a bit all ready. I was still a doubting Thomas as they say at first but then yesterday all my fears had been set aside. Instead of Jason calling and passing along messages someone working for that company directly called Damian and talked to him that added a whole level to this for me telling me that this was a legitimate opportunity and Damian found out that he would be paid and when he would be etc. so that put my mind at ease a lot. I'm not sure yet how much he will end up making considering that he may have to take out some for taxes etc but even if it is enough along with his ssi check to keep us going then I will be happy. He also is glad to know that they support his efforts to go to school and further his computer knowledge so I am glad to hear that. The Lord works in mysterious ways sometimes as this was something we had not expected.

Getting back to what really matters

This year Damian and I are keeping Christmas simple like we always did but this time around instead of feeling guilty because we can't afford to go all out I don't. I realized this year all of 2009 basically what really counts and what really matters. I'll give you a hint it's NOT Christmas trees, decorations or piles and piles of gifts. I realized this year how blessed Damian and I are although we have little material wealth or possessions. We are blessed to have a warm home, I know that sounds crazy I used to complain about living here all the time but when it was COLD out there and I would come back in and the central heat would be on I realized how blessed I am to have some place warm. We are blessed to have food to eat when so many have to wonder where their next meal will come from. We are blessed to have each other for love and companionship. We have been blessed with a wonderful loving ward and kind bishop. We have been blessed with the love that comes from family and true friendships. We have been given so much all ready gifts are nice but we are all ready rich in what matters. We have plans to enjoy a simple Christmas this year with plenty of family, a ham dinner with all the fixings and perhaps a reading of another simple birth that is the reason the celebration of Christmas began.

A Second Look

I got to give something a second look today and this time I was glad I got that chance. My sister in law Danielle had her debut for Mary Kay tonight and to be honest I went at first just because she is family and I wanted her to know she had my support. I used to do the Mary Kay thing and it was a big flop let me tell you why I just wanted to place an order that was it nothing else I had never used the products before and before you know it I had been coerced into becoming a consultant and it went down hill from there. My director instead of helping me learn the products and the business convinced me that I would pick it up as I went along and convinced me that instead of using what little money I had to buy product so I would know what I was selling that I needed to buy a starter kit. She also told me that I needed 600 dollars worth of inventory right off the bat in order to be a consultant and that I could coerce my family and friends into helping me at my debut which was a real farce because they aren't made of money and that ruined my experience. From there I struggled because I didn't have the inventory I "needed" and I talked to people but no one wanted a facial and I wasn't doing well anyway because I had no product to wear even if I could do a facial. Then Mary Kay is supposed to have the motto of Faith first then family and then your business well shortly after I started my marriage went downhill and we separated no time for me to think about my business when I was an emotional wreck. My director didn't even care and yelled at me so I let my consultant agreement lapse from inactivity I am not blaming Mary Kay it's just that the first experience left a BAD taste in my mouth too bad considering what Mary Kay stands for and the charitable work done and the fact that the goal of the business is to empower women and give them self worth and confidence. Well I tried to go back tonight with an open mind and I did tell Dani that she can practice on me telling me about the Mary Kay opportunity just so she can get it nailed down. I want her to do well so I agreed. Well, to my surprise her debut was not a farce or circus like mine had been other consultants were there just to help her out and the director was kind and personable. I found myself wanting to come back to learn more about the products especially since my skin is so sensitive. I want to know what they have that could work for me. She had heard about what happened to me and apologized and wanted me to know that was NOT what Mary Kay was about and that shouldn't have happened to me. I told her that I would maybe try again someday but not until I could have a chance to experience the products for myself and she agreed and let me know that she understood completely that I can['t sell what I myself don't use, love and know about. Even if I don't end up selling it myself I am grateful that I got to know a REAL Mary Kay experience I know Dani will do well she has the support of Hope the gal who helped her get started and of her director who are both loving kind women who will do all they can to help her and the other consultants who were there tonight seemed to be all to ready and willing to help Dani out and that is what it should be. Her debut tonight was no pressure to get any thing it was just to let her know that we support her and have her back and that is the best way. Times are tough and right now tough guy tactics are NOT going to get anyone to buy anything especially when compared to paying bills getting makeup and skin care products is not a priority item.

Writing again

I used to write all the time all through out high school papers were littered all over I was writing all the time. I wrote when others went out with their friends or when others would go out on dates and I was okay with that my characters would come alive as I got engrossed in their lives on the page. I always loved writing perhaps because always being a shy person I can't always find the right words verbally especially when the emotion runs very deep. I got into poetry in middle school but unlike some people who can write it on a dime I have to be deeply inspired. I quit taking the time for my poems along with my stories long ago. I don't know why I just did. Lately, I have been feeling the urge to write again. I have tried a few attempts but the story felt forced and wouldn't flow and the story just died. Then I felt inspired to write my in laws a letter and mom told me that it was the best letter she had ever received. She told me I had a real gift for words and I needed to keep trying. I don't want to make anything of it although she wants me to simply because I don't crave that kind of attention. I did publish a poem once and it wasn't as satisfying as I thought it would be. I will write again however I do have stories that need to be told but I will do it for me and for a few I want to hear my tales but that is all. I don't want to broadcast what I write because at least for me and the way I write I write from my heart and soul and share parts of myself and that I consider sacred. I am not ready to share myself with the world.

Meaning of Family

Tonight my inlaw's and Damian and I saw a really good movie called The Blind Side and it was one of the best movies that I have seen in a LONG time. What I loved about it though was that a big black boy was adopted by a white wealthy upper class family who took him in when he had no where to go and when he was the ONLY black boy in a Christian private school they stood their ground and insisted that they were his family. This got me thinking a lot...true family is the family we were born into but I also think it can have a broader meaning. For example people who adopt and foster children and REALLY love them they become family although they don't share flesh and blood. My in laws are family to me they welcome me with loving arms into their home and their lives and I only know them because I married their son and their brother etc. Even dear friends of mine have become like family to me. We share a tight close bond and have laughed, cried and rejoiced together as well as shared all types of sorrows. I think that sometimes people get so caught up in the idea that their family just has to be the ones in their immediate circle that they don't get that it can mean so much more. I have lots of "family" and I love them all. I have the family I have been born into and all their branches who have nourished me since birth. Damian and I became a family the day we got married for time and eternity in the Spokane Temple. Damian's folks and siblings and their kids became my family the day I married them and we are all connected to one another. My dear friends became family when our friendship was put to the real test and we REALLY needed to be there for one another and they pulled through for me as I did for them. As a result of my large "family" I feel happy, content, loved and supported and I feel at peace with myself and the world around me and I think that is what being part of a family means and why they are so important so much so that I really don't think it matters all that much what or who your family is comprised of.

Miracles

I wanted to share something that is deep and meaningful to me and that is that miracles can and do happen. I really get irritated that people especially so called "religious" people limit God's ability to perform miracles and bless the lives of his children. I don't understand that and let me tell you why I have been a participant of a few and have witnessed a few and I don't usually share this stuff but I feel like right now I need to.
1) First off there have been two occasions where I have been sick as a dog couldn't keep even water down and was headed to where I would need to be in the hospital but because of blessings given to me by worthy priesthood holders I was well again by the next day or the day after. I don't call that a coincidence I don't believe in those.
2) The birth and survival of my foster niece Ella, come to find out I was wrong she was 2.5 lbs when Angela and Randall became her foster parents a month after her birth she was actually born Oct 31 when she was due Feb 3rd weighing only 1 lb and a few ounces. Her mother walked right out of the hospital never to return the doctors and nurses did what they could but were hesitant to call CPS right away because they doubted the girl would survive. A month later she was still alive so that's when Angela and Randall got her and not only at a year old is she alive but is thriving. People can attribute that to medical science all you want and that is part of it but even that is limited. Ella once she knew that she had people who loved her grew so fast that even the doctors were amazed and they still are. God has a purpose for this little one I have no doubt about that. Her life is proof to me that miracles happen.
3) My little brother being close to me this is a miracle because for many years he would have nothing to do with me I was his pesky annoying bossy older sister...now we are quite close and I can only attribute that to a miracle. There is no other way to explain it.
These are just a few and I am sure that there is more to come as long as I remain true and faithful...and give credit where credit is due. I have no doubt as to God's love for his children nor his ability to bless them.