The side effects of being bullied

This is the hardest post I think I will ever write but it is time I have to let this all out, it's the only way to move on and move past what all has happened. Part of my soul searching has been to figure out why I have had a hard time moving forward to good things in my life and I had a nightmare a few nights ago that helped me figure it out. I was back on the school yards as a child being picked on mercilessly and it was going unchecked until I had finally had enough and screamed at them for it all to stop. This helped me tremendously but let me start at the beginning. I was picked on from a very early age beginning in Kindergarten I was going to school a few blocks away from my babysitter's house, a kind woman who watched other children besides her own. She had put older children in charge as we walked to school but they abused such power and teased me something fierce. They had even stolen my new loafer as it fell off running off with it after I lost a game of keep away. I had to walk back wet, cold and humiliated finding some relief with my babysitter as she made things right. This was a bad omen of things to come as every year after that kids in my class would bully me on the play ground even in front of the aides. When I told I was the one in trouble as they said that I needed to stop tattling and that kids would just be kids so I quickly learned to just keep my mouth shut and tolerate it the best I could. They were so cruel breaking my spirit and resolve. I wanted to cry and sometimes I did a tear or two but soon I learned to keep even that inside as that just seemed to give them fuel. In the second and third grade things got worse as I had learned to ignore them. In class they were sweet and nice but out on the school yard they turned on me and I was not about to buy it for a second so I refused to deal with them. This earned me some nasty judgments and remarks from my teachers as once again I was punished. This continued with little relief for a few more years until the fourth grade. FINALLY, not only did I find a good friend who stood up for me and still does to this day (I love you Chrissy you are awesome) but the school aides refused to say that kids would be kids and they put a stop to anything they saw that was out of line. My teacher was also so kind and amazing teaching us that we may not like one another but we would learn to get along. When our accident happened she had told the class and they were kind enough to get me small gifts and even make sympathy cards which my teacher and principal brought to me at my dad's funeral. I was so happy that they had come. The fifth grade was more of the same as the fourth and I left elementary school happy. However, bullying continued some more well into all three years of middle school with only pockets of relief here and there someone even threw a rock at me but don't worry he got several months of cafeteria duty (my suggestion as that was the nastiest job the school had at the time as we loved food fights and sticking gum on and under the tables). I could have pressed assault charges as the vice principal would have done anything I wanted but he didn't cause much damage so he got what was coming to him having to clean up. My freshman year in high school was the last year such things happened to me thankfully as to be honest my self confidence and resolve were shattered I believed everything they said to me. The saying sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt me is not true at all those words hurt worse than a million lashes. My spirit was broken and all the confidence I had in myself and the gifts and talents I was given from my birth I doubted and hid. They had taught me that I was nothing and I believed them. Even friends I met in high school who loved me and literally protected me couldn't entirely undo the damage that had been done. I still was scared to let anyone see who I was inside although they could coax out glimpses. It's been until now that I am trying to be the real authentic me and I am 31 years old this has been going on since I was five. I see now that I am intelligent, sweet, honest, kind, determined, loyal, loving and other wonderful things despite being a little on the big side. I can be who I am and I am trying to learn to forgive them and myself so I can move forward from all this pain and move on in my journey. It is too late for me but bullying need not continue it causes so much pain and some kids even kill themselves or others as a result that need not happen. Stand up for what is right stand up for someone being hurt and don't pass judgment. You can't know what someone is going through until you have walked in their shoes. You can be kind and empathetic and reach out a hand and don't judge someone who has had more than they can stand and they just explode. I have been there myself and I know how that feels you literally reach a point where you feel like fine no one will help me then I will just take care of this myself. Bullies can not take on everyone they are cowards by nature so just take a stand and have a no tolerance policy. Stand up for the kid who is picked last and put down. Teach that love and tolerance are not weakness and that while it's okay to not personally like anyone that it is not okay to put someone else down. The teachers and other adults who came to my aide have my undying gratitude and respect for standing up for what is right and for teaching others the same. I think now that I have let this out I think I can start to heal now although it will take some time because precious parts of me were stolen and taken away but I will get there. I will pray for the ability to forgive and move forward and part of it is letting it out. I was keeping it all inside me like a dirty secret and it has been hard to be so honest in such a public forum but it does feel good too therapeutic in a way. It was necessary so I could move forward in my life and recapture what was taken so I can fulfill my life's work with the special gifts and abilities that I was given.

Not trying to sound selfish but

As I have been refocusing my life and trying to get back on track I have seen a pattern in my life I have noticed that when I have been too overly concerned about what everyone else is doing or thinks I have veered off course but when I have focused my attention on the path I need to take and doing what I need to do then I have done better. That being said I am not trying to be selfish at all but right now I will be focusing on myself and getting back on course so I can take care of the responsibilities present and hopefully future that have been given to me so I can take care of business. I still will love and care for those in my care but that's as far as I will go. Your opinions are your opinions and your advice is your advice but don't get too upset if I choose not to follow it I must follow my own path and my own inner voice if I'm going to succeed. We got our road maps in hand now and we know which road we now need to get back on and what works for us won't work for you always but that's okay. I have learned now that instead of being overly concerned about what everyone else says or thinks about my life and choices that I must do what I feel is right and follow my own inner voice. It's time I live my life and carry out what I was sent on this Earth to do and become instead of being worried about what everyone else thinks I should do or whatever. I'm realizing as I have been soul searching that I am stronger than I think I am, I was blessed with gifts and talents that if used well will lead to success. It's time now for me to harness my energy and strengths and use them for my benefit and to benefit those around me. In essence it's time I left fear behind and realize my own purpose and destiny and with road map in hand and my faith, loved ones and my trusty 5-HTP I plan on doing just that.

Warrior Woman Poem I found

This poem inspired me as I read it I hope it may do the same for you please take time to comment and share if it does I am going to try again to let the words of this poem course through me as I am moved again to action. I got knocked down but I must not accept defeat I must keep moving forward and keep trying again and again for as long as it takes.

Warrior Woman Has Fully Awoken!




This woman has been kind, gentle,
and has much love,
All of this has been given with
the blessing of the Great Spirit above,
But Great Spirit gave her something
else and she didn't know it...
The Great Spirit gave her
the blessing of being a warrior woman
as now her light is lit!

This warrior woman has come
fully alive today,
She is no longer anyone's slave or prey,
She is taking back her life today,
And those who know who she truly is,
can stay.
No longer will she live the lives of others,
She will give back the blames and responsibilities of others
where it belongs,
For she also has the bear and wolf inside her,
which is now so very powerful
and uniquely strong.


The warrior woman now knows what road she must follow,
For others it will be to hard to swallow.
Her life was taken from her unknowingly many years ago,
And this warrior woman is taking back her life before the next winds blow.

Oh Sister Moon you give me the strength
as a warrior woman to conquer what's on my path,
high above and way beneath,
and the much needed strength to take on the wrath.

This warrior woman is fully awakened and is taking a stand,
taking the problems by the horns with my hand.
I will conquer all that is there,
all and who comes as they dare.

Warrior woman has fully awoken,
and many will see that they were mistaken
in robbing her of her life.
They as a thief, Warrior woman will conquer
and have no grief!

This warrior woman will protect her people, her son,
and those who need her.
If anyone hurts them, look out!
They will hear a GGGGGGRRRRRRRRR,
As they run and shout!

This warrior woman is taking back her life,
taking back the respect that was taken from her
throughout the years ever so slow.
This warrior woman is removing pain and hurt from within the heart
caused by the knife,
from all those who are both family and foe.

I am claiming what's mine, and my dignity,
From those who live in this society of vanity.
I am claiming back in full my heritage.
And as a warrior woman, I am going to clean up
many years of carnage.

For now standing in front of you,
you see this warrior woman... you see me.
Someone special has taught me to be free,
From this day forward for me no more slavery...
Gentleness, kindness, and love is part of me, and so is my dignity.
This is NOT WEAKNESS, as others believe.
But this strength is within me and within you.

I will listen to the spirits and grow,
I will travel in the whispering winds as they blow.
All the work I now do will be for Our People and all nations,
I will protect and guide the future generations.

Now it is time for me to travel on my new path,
As a warrior woman conquering all wrath.
If you ever see and want to meet me,
Please come, and I will also teach and share with you how to be free.


Poem copyright © Lady J-Ann

Re focusing

I have been realizing after some personal reflection that I have been going backward in my journey of self discovery and enlightenment. I was doing well and moving in a forward and positive direction it scared me so I sabotaged myself and now my life is a mess again. This time however I will have to just fix it no one else can do it for me it is up to me it is my life and I must take control of it. I will start by reminding myself of a few key things.
1) I am a daughter of Heavenly Father and as such he loves me and will be with me as I faithfully seek out my purpose and mission in life.
2) As said daughter of God I am beautiful and have special talents and attributes that contribute to my completing what I was sent here to do. I was given qualities that are wonderful and unique and I must not be afraid to let them shine for the world to see.
3) I must be true to who I really am inside of me not being afraid of what others say think or do. I must be confident and strong as I live my life and walk my path.
4) I am not alone in my journey I have those who love me and encourage me along the way and I am worthy of their love and affection.
5) I deserve happiness, love, friendship, success and every other good thing in this world and I must remind myself of this as I strive to move forward so I do not keep making these same errors as they are in part contributing to my anxieties and stress.
6) I can overcome trauma and terror as I let myself heal from the inside out hanging on just harms me I must let go and forgive to be whole.
7) I can learn to relinquish control to a higher power than myself as I learn to humbly follow and accept the path that I am asked to take not begging to know ahead of time where it may lead.

Autism awareness Month

I was reminded today what this month is and it's something near and dear to me because of my husband it's Autism Awareness Month. I will be perfectly honest it has not been roses being married to someone who is on the autism spectrum but every second has been worth it. Autism is a challenge because it has so many varying degrees and symptoms and Damian's has been hard because while it is slight it is there and it affects him. He has had people accuse him of lying and making it up but I have been married to him 11 years this June he is autistic. Let me explain how it works and this is part of his brain chemistry it is part of who he is and how he is wired so don't just tell him he can learn to get over it. Some things he has been trying to and has had some success and some things he can't so we have learned to work with them. He has to have things labeled and in a certain place and he is frantic if they are not. He has to know what is going on at all times and gets upset if his routine and or schedule are interrupted. He has a hard time with social interactions and social ques although he is more verbal than some autistic people are. He is highly intelligent and has the uncanny ability to memorize numbers as well as learn about technology and computers. Just for an instance all his computer knowledge which is in fact quite vast is ALL self taught. He has a hard time understanding how his actions, words etc affect other people although he can understand how they affect him. He has to work slowly and deliberately and he HATES too much noise and or commotion and stimulation it really does upset him. Now that's his limitations and his abilities I would now like to focus on how we have been working with what we have. He has learned to just label the spines of our DVD's with a number so that way we can identify ours and keep track of them but it's not tacky. He also has used this talent to sort things and learn to keep things more neat instead of all over the place. We now go over our day once in the morning and once at night for the next day so he knows what is coming. If things have to change we need to let him know as soon as possible it really upsets him if he doesn't know and you just spring something on him surprises really bother him. We are working with him about what is socially acceptable and that not everyone gets his humor and that he can hurt someone's feelings. We are also working on what is appropriate conversation and what is not. He's making a lot of progress especially since his counselor Kim is an expert with autism she has been a god send in our lives as she has educated the both of us. We now use a loving but firm approach with Damian when he is doing something that is inappropriate and we gently but firmly redirect his behavior in a more positive direction. He and I have developed a code word for when he is being inappropriate so he knows he needs to go another way but is not embarrassed. We also have a code word in place for when he has had enough stimuli and has to leave and we have learned to politely excuse ourselves and let him retreat before he gets frantic. He has been learning to slowly increase his speed but keep his attention to detail and he is working hard getting into a computer school so he can channel all his knowledge into a career that he will love. All in all autism is a challenge and our marriage has not been easy but I love him so much. He is worth it he is worth learning what we can cope with and what we can work with and tweak a little. He is worth standing beside as he learns for himself more about his disorder as he was not educated about it at all growing up he was just tossed aside as if he was worthless. People with autism may walk funny as they like to rock sometimes, they may even talk funny as some are not very verbal but they are all wonderful children of Heavenly Father and they deserve the same love, compassion and understanding as anyone else. It is worth it to get to know them because once you can get them to feel comfortable around you and they let you into their world and they trust you it feels amazing. Damian's child like love and faith is amazing and I feel so honored to know that his heart is mine forever. He makes the challenges and hard times worth it.