All is well

All is well for our family and for myself as this year winds down to an end. Damian is working at Goodwill and doing well. He likes what he does he likes his co workers he is happy that he is busy and active during the day and this is a good omen as we go into 2011. I'm settling in right now with a new role in my life and that's as a backup supporting role. I always have had to feel like I'm in control even when I'm not and that has gotten us in trouble in our marriage as my husband hasn't been able to do what he needs to do and he hasn't felt like the level of trust is there ouch so we are fixing it. I am learning to step back and let him step forward and in return good things are happening. He's getting stronger in his role as a husband and I'm learning that I can count on and rely on him. I will be going back to work eventually but right now it's working out as it is. I'm spending my time at home catching up on some cleaning and communicating with some new friends in my group. This group isn't huge and only a few woman who are a part of it communicate with us but that's okay the few that do are just as important. I feel a connection to these women who are all over one is in Texas and two more are in England. It's been amazing to reach out and give them support and encouragement and in turn heal myself. We are all on different levels in our healing process and grieving process and that's okay. It's been as I have been talking to them that I have been learning that I'm okay I've accepted it. I know this because it's not painful anymore to hear news of a pregnancy or adoption, I don't cringe or want to cry when I see baby pictures and I actually enjoy holding and interacting with a baby and or a child. I also do feel blessed actually in my own journey that many of those around me have been so kind and supportive and sensitive to my feelings. I really appreciate that as some aren't so fortunate. I'm at peace with what I can't change and that's hard for me to say as I have been learning this year to let go and let God and to change what I can and not worry about changing what I can't. What I can't change is my medical issues but what I can change is my outlook and attitude. I can choose to be there for the children in my life and be a mentor, friend and role model and to give my friends and family members with children a breather once in awhile. I can't express in words how much brighter my world seems now that I have been starting to change my attitude. I can't tell you how much I have grown and it seems like my heart keeps expanding ever larger. It feels so wonderful to feel that happening and I know in my gut that this is in preparation for me to become a foster mom. I know that I will need to love those kids unconditionally knowing that not every one will become a permanent placement. I need to be able to love them while they are mine and then be able to let them go if the need arises. I am being prepared for the task at hand so when the time comes I will be ready. I feel wonderful and at peace with myself as 2010 wraps up and for Damian and I right now in our lives all is well.

A small ripple

Events that have transpired today give me hope that something I have done or said even though it was small made a difference to someone and that's all I have wanted to do. Many years ago I read a story in the first Chicken Soup for the Soul book about a man walking along a beach throwing star fish back into the ocean one at a time. Someone comes up to him and asks him why he is even wasting his time and that he can't possibly save them all. In response the man picks up another one throws it back in the ocean and says "made a difference to that one." For years that has inspired me no one can do everything but someone can do something. Now on to today's events I have struggled with infertility but more than that it's been really emotional that's what's been hard to deal with. Awhile ago a friend of mine gotta love her suggested that I can find a way to heal by creating my own support group on facebook and invite anyone who has dealt with or is dealing with what I have so no one feels alone. I did and it took awhile I got so frustrated I didn't keep up with it until a miracle happened. A young lady in Liverpool, England of all places messaged me because she couldn't join my group so we have been messaging each other all day long. I then looked and sure enough women have joined so I sent them a welcome message the hope being that we can get to know each other and find a place where we can find support and friendship. I don't mean to toot my own horn that's not what this post is about but it feels amazing to know that just one small act meant the world to someone enough that she was willing to message me from across the ocean even though she didn't know me. It feels amazing to know that I have touched someone's life like others have touched mine. I think that is so important to understand we don't always know how our small acts of kindness affect someone sometimes it's the small things that literally can mean the difference between life and death.

A fitting Tribute

For a long while now I have wanted to honor my father and give him a fitting tribute something our family as well as he would be proud of. It's now been a little over 20 years and now is the time. I feel it strongly as I have been guided and directed especially since there are now 3 of his grandchildren who will never physically know him. I have prayerfully been thinking about this project and everything from the pictures to the music has not been done without prayer and contemplation. I feel as a result inspired and I hope this will show in the final product. Our family is large so I will be happy to give as a present a copy to my mother and siblings as well as grandma and grandpa and my aunts and uncles but further than that you can have a copy but I have to respectfully ask for like 5 bucks to help with costs of DVD's and shipping I'm sorry but I can't afford to send out a ton of DVD's. I have also been so thankful for my husband's love as I prepare myself to do this he is so supportive and I know he will be so helpful as I scan, put this together and get this ready to be distributed. I am also so thankful and I feel so blessed to feel my dad near me as I begin. I know I will be given the strength I need to do this and to make it something beautiful for my family. As a preview I want to include video clips of the songs I have selected for your listening pleasure keep in mind these are in the order they will be played.

A burden is lifted

Damian got his job with Goodwill Industries he starts his probationary period on the 6th of December where he will be working 15 hours a week Monday through Friday. Then after that there will be a negotiation about hours and schedule. We still feel blessed right now something is better than nothing and it's a start you have to start somewhere. Damian has been really benefiting from working with his DVR counselor and Kim he is practically a new man. He is really starting to shine and display to me why I fell in love with him all those years ago I know he has it in him to do this. I also know we have to have faith in Heavenly Father too that things will work out. He led us to this job and as long as Damian gives his best effort we will be fine. It feels so awesome to know that things are falling into place for us as we are getting ever so much closer to being able to add to our family. It has been 11 years almost since we married but I can't accept a childless state it's not because I'm not willing to it's because we both feel inside our hearts that we are missing vital parts of our family that we are meant to be a mother and father to children that were born to parents who for some reason or another can't take care of them.

I'm being prepared

Damian and I can't help but feel so much love and gratitude in our hearts for our Heavenly Father he has done so much for us and now as we have been taking steps to improve our lives we feel deep inside us that one of our fondest dreams is about to be realized. We are being prepared at this moment at a faster pace than ever before to become adoptive foster parents Heavenly Father has been helping us move all the final ducks into place including myself. I thought I was always ready but to be honest it has been so long since it has just been Damian and I that I had some lingering doubts would I be able to handle it would I be a push over that kinda thing. That got answered the other night when I got the wonderful opportunity to babysit my nieces Lexus and Kaylee now anyone who knows me knows how much I love those girls that's not the issue it was how I handled myself that night. I was dealing with a teething baby and a three year old who didn't understand how come she wouldn't be spending that night with her mom, dad and nannie like she always had. In the past I would play with the girls assisting with some things like getting them dressed, diapers, etc but that night it was up to me to keep them busy and happy while dinner was being made thankfully Lexus wanted frozen waffles and sausage links which worked well and was easy to make but we did great. I also did lose it a little with Lexus forgetting at times that she is three, still learning her words and feelings and has a hard time expressing all that but I also stood firm when she had her tantrums. She had them ultimately because she missed her mommy and I was not upset with her about that I had to be firm because in turn she was being rude to me and that was not going to be tolerated. In the end she calmed down once she realized that I was not going to budge and we settled down to watch a Harry Potter movie until her bedtime. Bedtime taught me other lessons as well Kaylee was tired and had gone to sleep with little problems however Lexus is at an age now where she is suddenly scared of the dark and monsters. The lamp solves that problem but see daddy and mommy usually "kill" all her monsters for her and they weren't there neither was her nannie and that was hard for her. We settled her into bed with her hand made blanket from her nannie and her favorite stuffed frog named webly and we read stories and I soothed her promising her that she can trust me and that I would keep her safe from anything and that daddy and mommy and nannie had killed all the monsters but if I saw one trying to creep up the stairs I would kill it. Lexus believed me I could tell but she still was on the verge of tears so I asked her if she would feel better if I stayed beside her bed until she fell asleep knowing that she had never slept without any of them here before at night. She nodded so I held her hand until she rolled over then I rubbed her back and stroked her hair and finally she fell asleep. I realized that night something had changed our relationship will never be the same again but in a very profound way I was always the fun auntie and Lexus loved me very much but now she also knows I will have limits with her and that those will be enforced and she knows that she can trust me that I will never let anything harm her. That night has settled my fears I know being a mom especially a foster mom will bring on all kinds of challenges and I will not be perfect at it but I also know that I can achieve the right balance between fun, hard and soft knowing when to be fun knowing when to be firm and knowing when to be soft. I also know I am not alone I have loved ones, I have friends but most importantly I have a loving Heavenly Father who will guide me as I pray and turn to him for guidance in this adjustment from an occasional babysitter and auntie to mom especially a mom to children who have not had the easiest start in life. I know that no matter what comes my way that I can count on him to lead me and guide me and that if I listen to his counsel and Holy spirit that I will be able to navigate and help my family and help my children as they overcome their struggles and I will be able to help them know that no matter what may have happened in their past or even with their birth parents that I love them and that I will comfort and protect them and that sometimes that even means saying "no" and enforcing rules.

A testimony strengthened

This afternoon I have been listening to Christmas songs on youtube many are beautiful a few were fun but a few also gave me chills and goosebumps among them O Holy Night, For Unto Us a Child is born and Homeless from The Forgotten Carols. I realized there are many ways to have a testimony many of these composers such as Handel and Micheal McLean have chosen to compose their testimony and turn it into such beautiful inspiring music that makes your whole body shiver as there is not doubt in your heart and soul that there is a Messiah. I have always known but lately I have been struggling with our circumstances and because things haven't turned out yet the way I think they should but then I realized that this is part of the plan laid out for me and for Damian and that our plan is different than what may be planned for anyone else. I also have faith that everything I have gone through all the trials, pain, heartaches and triumphs have been for my benefit to make me a better person and also to help me help others. I have to keep having faith that he knows me personally and will guide me on the path I need to follow I don't need to listen to anyone else's voice but his. I also have a testimony that he loves us as we are it doesn't matter if we live in a homeless shelter or in a mansion he is our father and he loves us the same. This has been a big comfort lately for personal reasons. I know our prayers are answered and always heard and that he will never forsake us it's up to us to let him in to our lives and it's not him that forsakes us it's us that sometimes forsakes him. I'm going into this Christmas season with the right attitude that it's not about the gifts and lights and splendor it's about Jesus Christ and the gift he gave to all of us his life and his death and resurrection so we all can have hope and joy and peace.

Keep us in your prayers

Our long wait has come to an end just about Damian has been a DVR client for like a year by now I think and although the process has been slow we think it will be worth it. He has a meeting with his DVR counselor and a person from Goodwill Industries to discuss possible employment. This is the moment we have been waiting for and we could use any prayers for both of us or if you don't really pray then please send good thoughts and vibes our way. We are trying not to be too cocky but hopefully this is what we have been waiting for and this will be the start of many good things to come. Damian has been beginning to really grow as a person and starting to get over his phobias and fears about working his DVR counselor and other counselors and doctors have helped with that. I am really proud of him he acknowledges that he has work to do still but every step in the right direction is a positive step and he is realizing that it's better to walk forward than to take steps backward. This is just the beginning but we will take it and we will take what we can get.

Stand up and finish what you start

Last night I was watching The Biggest Loser like I always do on a Tuesday night when I noticed something that I haven't noticed before they had a sign on one of the walls in the gym with a quote on it from Bob one of the trainers that struck a chord with me. It just said "stand up and finish what you start" or something like that. I probably have seen it before as I have never missed a season but I think I'm at a different place in my life right now. I got to thinking about all that I have started like school but hadn't finished and that made me more determined to find a way to finish and make things happen instead of just waiting for things to happen. I need to keep fighting through that's the only way my life is going to get better and it's the only way all that I dream of can become a reality. Anyway, that was my motivational moment who knew t.v could have that kind of effect on someone.

Grateful

It's never too early to be grateful for anything and this year although it's been full of ups and downs I am so very very thankful for many things. My heart is full to nearly bursting with love and gratitude. I am so grateful to have my husband still here with me I shutter to think what could have been. I'm grateful to his medical doctor who has taken the situation seriously and in his wisdom has been guiding us so we can have a hand as well to improve his health and hopefully keep him around as long as possible. I'm grateful as well to his psychiatrist Dr. Kim she has been making such an impact in his life he still has a long long way to go in battling his bi-polar but she has been making such a difference already. He's a different man in wonderful ways as he goes further along on this journey with her help. I'm grateful for a warm home and plenty to eat as the weather turns I can't help but be thankful for a place to call home. I'm thankful for loving family and dear friends. This year especially my dearest friends have become as close to me as family and they are such a blessing in my life giving me their love, support and friendship making me laugh and also being there. It's been a pleasure to help them as well with various hardships and burdens as together we have been making each others burdens easier to carry. I'm also really grateful that I have been able to begin seriously losing weight and have found success as I have found inner peace and strength. It's slow and steady but I'm not in a sprint it's a marathon and I am grateful that I have learned to accept me and my life and love myself enough to want to shed the weight and all the burdens it represented.

Skinny Jeans

I am so excited after the shock of realizing that I had let myself get so large that I was wearing comfortably size 30W jeans I'm back down to size 26's and they are loose. That's right I nickname them my skinny jeans for now because it's been a long while since I could wear them without feeling like if I took a breath I would pop a button. It feels really good to be down a couple of sizes in a few months. My next goal is to rock size 24's again that's what I consistently wore in high school. I also am proud of me for another accomplishment I was a pop addict I really was but I have been doing really great lately at least for me. I have managed to make a 12 pack last 15 days so far!!! I'm so proud of myself but again what helped with that is a realization that I accidentally had replaced pop with food when I have been stressed. That being said I plan on implementing healthier options such as taking time with a book etc. I have been realizing that taking time for myself to do the things I enjoy is an important part of weight loss. It's not just about a fad diet or what you are eating or how much you exercise it's also about your emotional state and well being. It all comes together as part of a puzzle if you feel good about yourself and love yourself you will want to take better care of your body. My ultimate goal although it will take time to get there is 125 lbs which is pretty much right where I need to be for only being 5'4" tall and I plan on maintaining that weight and healthy life style. I'm well on my way feeling better about myself and celebrating the small victories along the way.

My writing

I've been so worried about Damian and other things lately that my writing has been placed on the back burner for awhile. I have hand written a story this summer I actually found I did write better that way and now I just need to take the time to transcribe it into my computer. I also have a few other ideas simmering away. I really have forgotten how much I used to love to write and maybe now that things have simmered down a little I can take some time and write. Anyway I just wanted to give a little update on how things are going and how my writing is going.

Life is good

My life is good right now it really is. I do really good with jobs where I'm on the phone and dealing with people that's my niche I've tried to do other jobs and they just weren't me. Imagine my luck when I got a part time job working with Chuck Bullock a Farmer's Insurance Agent located in the Spokane Valley doing just that. A few evenings a week it's my job to hunt down potential leads ask a few questions to try and get some information then try to set an appt. The best part is that I have had some success with a list that is total crap. Chuck says I"m doing great and after next week he will figure out a way to get me more hours. He thinks I'm a good fit for them and for his office that makes me feel good after feeling like a drone for so many years. I love it too I really do I don't even mind being hung up on because I"m getting paid to get hung up on so what's the big deal honestly. I do feel blessed right now to have found this job it sucks not to have anything and it's a job that can grow into more. I have heard him and Katie the office manager talk about cross training me into lead generation etc so that feels good to know that I am doing a good job. I just had to learn to relax but once I told Chuck my background he totally understood and now I know I can work hard still and I want to work hard for him he's a great guy and a great boss but at the same time I don't have to be so stiff and formal. I like that I'm not a formal kind of person.

My Pants are falling off

My pants just about fall off now but in a good way as I have been noticing weight coming off my body. This health scare was a catalyst for that I will admit but all this has been a work in progress for a few years now when I decided to change my mental attitude as well. I was always the shy kid the loner and that haunted me as I was an easy target for bullies on the play ground and even a few misguided teachers who didn't notice shyness just someone who "doesn't get along well with others." I HATE labels because you know for a long time I lived up to them. Then as I got older and more stuff happened I just took on more and more pain and more and more crap and to cope I ate and ate and ate some more. I have always had a strong personality a combo of quirky, easy going, sweet and sassy someone who loves to laugh and have a good time but someone that will fight to the death for someone she cares about but for a long time I hid under my weight and behind it only daring to let those closest to me see me. It was nothing for me to down a whole container of ice cream in one sitting plus an extra large pizza. I tried Weight Watchers and at that time it didn't work for me not because the program is faulty but because I had still to discover something about myself I emotionally eat it that had become my coping mechanism from an early age and until I could conquer that I would only heap on more pounds. That's when a light bulb turned on and I found the courage to look deep inside myself and get all those old fears out of there. I learned to trust myself, make some hard decisions about who was worth keeping in my life and get rid of old guilt and feelings that were holding me back. That's been the secret I also now have supportive people in my circle again who don't sabotage me they support the changes I have started to make. That's how I can stand to eat less and eat more of the right foods and not go crazy when I have a pizza party or want to go out with a friend. I don't need food anymore as a best friend and it's been a pleasant side effect that my pants are starting to fall off. It's been also great to see my personality shining through again and you can see the real me not the shy me not the scared me who hid in a corner living up to the label placed on me in grade school.

Damian's checkup

Damian went to the doctor yesterday and overall the doctor is pleased with his progress his numbers are starting to fall which is very good. He was concerned about Damian's diabetes because when he monitored his blood like he was supposed to he was all over the map doing it all during the day and different times a day not helpful when you need to establish a base reading so for the next week he needs to do it every morning first thing before he eats or drinks anything so that way the doctor can get a base line reading. This is critical because as we naively discovered the slightest thing that he eats can make his number soar so having a base line number will help pin point how it's going. We also shocked the pants of his doctor in a good way yes Damian is on another medication this one to lower his cholesterol some more but we are hoping that's just temporary until we can get it more under control and just until his numbers are more in a range where he isn't a walking corpse but at the same time we don't expect a pill to magically fix everything we know we have to put in effort to take better care of ourselves. This is where Dr. Hinkle is surprised most of his patients just want pills when he suggested dietary and exercise changes he didn't think we would take him seriously so that being said he is going to set Damian up with a diabetic specialist who is going to educate him and me as well on how to better manage the diabetes so it doesn't manage him. He doesn't take that time unless he knows someone is taking him seriously. We still need to work on the exercise but everything is a work in progress we have had to make some massive changes and sometimes you can't make them all at once. We feel better knowing that the sacrifices we are making are working because I will be honest with you we have found substitutions for things and have learned we can still enjoy some things in moderation but there are some things we have to flat out give up it's easier to do that knowing that it's worth it. We still have a rough road ahead as we navigate the holiday season but fortunately for us we have loving and supportive family members who will try and make that as easy on us as possible. We also have been learning that it's not food that dictates a tradition or holiday it's the people we share it with. That being said we are trying to still be careful what we cram in our mouths our health doesn't take a break because it's Thanksgiving or Christmas or New Years. Thanks again for your love and support we were really scared but it's the wake up call I think we both needed that what we had been doing to ourselves was killing us. We have really good medical care for Damian he's getting the help he needs and we are doing better it's a rough road still but the good news is that he's going to make it he's going to live and that's the best gift of all.

One month mark

It's been about a month now since Damian was diagnosed with all his health problems and we started our mission to eat better. We have had some stumbles but we are proud of report that overall we have made drastic changes. We have been more conscious about what gets put in our mouths instead of just cramming in anything and we have not even missed the way we used to eat. We still have a way to go but it's a work in progress and we are in this together. We don't have a scale at home but our clothes are much looser and we can lock arms when we hug each other now something we had never been able to do in the past. We still have other goals to work on but we are proud of the changes we have made such as:
1) Paying more attention to serving sizes and nutrition labels paying attention to how much fat, sodium, sugar, cholesterol and carbohydrates are in what we eat.
2) Not snacking between meals unless Damian feels he needs to for his diabetes and even that is a healthy snack
3) Eating lower fat and lower sodium and cholesterol foods such as egg beaters, turkey sausage and bacon among other things and loving it.
4) Watching our pop consumption and choosing water or other healthy options instead
5) Being watchful of what we put on our sandwich at Subway choosing healthy options and only eating six inches at a time instead of a whole foot.
6) Being wary of our sugar intake
7) Trying to have well balanced meals with more veggies.
There are other changes we still need to make but we are making a lot of progress. We do on occasion enjoy foods we used to like pizza but we try to make sure we don't over do it. I also realized now that greasy foods make me sick now that's a first I used to love those.

Catch up

I've been busy this month between Damian's appointments and keeping up with all that and my own job hunt which has been really fruitful. I basically have two offers right now to sort out one pt and one full time but the full time one won't start until pretty much toward the middle of November and the other will start by the end of the month. The part time one is not definite yet but it's right up my alley as it's telephone surveys and appointment setting for a Farmer's Insurance agent they want me to meet with them next week to go over the script and see if I would be a good fit. Then the next step is to work 9 hours a week for a week or so to really see if it is a good fit then if it is I can work up to 30 hours which is great. I'm also thinking about putting a resume for another part time job during the day time for a place called Soulful Soups down town. I'm thinking that's what I'm probably going to do because the other job lead hit a snag Olsten's the staffing firm it is through wants me to have the job I am qualified according to what Bank of America wanted for their call center here in Spokane however they are dragging their feet so if I get a job between now and the time I hear from them well that's just too bad too sad I have to go with what is definite. The Bank of America one was also only going to be for six months and I have reached a point where I'm ready for more and ready to join the working world on a continual basis. So ya that is what's happening in amongst this has been time with family.

Food for thought

Invictus

Print friendly version E-mail this poem to e friend Send this poem as eCard Add this poem to MyPoemList

Out of the night that covers me, Black as the Pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be For my unconquerable soul. In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeonings of chance My head is bloody, but unbowed. Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the Horror of the shade, And yet the menace of the years Finds, and shall find, me unafraid. It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll. I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul. William Ernest Henley

Something that has been haunting me

I have had an uneasy feeling since we went to the funeral of a young man who in the prime of his life got so overwhelmed with sadness that he ended his own life. I am uneasy because not many know this well outside my immediate circle and my close friends who were there beside me as I was going through it but that could have been me. I was picked on and bullied my whole life and being shy didn't help at all. I also got overwhelmed when my dad was suddenly killed I love my mom but my dad was one of my best friends he understood me like no one else I have known and a part of me died inside along with him. I tried to hold it all together but I snapped I just couldn't take it anymore I'm not going to lie I thought about committing suicide but not until the end of my 9th grade year that's when life adjustments were the straw that broke the camel's back thank god I didn't follow through there is so much life to live and people I love and would miss but I almost did. I am so thankful to a loving Heavenly Father who sent help for me in the form of professional counselors, teachers, young women leaders, two really great Seminary teachers, family and friends and with time and persistent patience I came through and learned to move forward and deal with the pain inside me. I also learned the bullies were wrong especially with the love I felt of my peers and this was amazing love we hung out together not only every chance we got at school but every two weeks at church dances and other times too. Some of them I had seminary with and that was awesome but what blew me away the most was their love and support and how they weren't ashamed to show it this was the most evident when our senior year came and they did a special assembly to emphasize the dangers of drunk driving I will never forget this but a few kids were singled out with parental permission of course to wear all black and white face they were "dead" they could not speak or be spoken to the parents also got a visit from the police department notifiying them of their child's "death" then at the assembly everyone talked about how they felt and along with that came first hand accounts from people who have experienced it. My friends knowing my story literally surrounded me on those bleachers I had one on either side ready to hold my hand or put their arms around me and those behind me ready to show me their love. It did come down to that at one point I started to cry really really hard so hard I could barely breathe or walk and I was helped to the bathroom. As this was going on a few people dared to make snide remarks like what is her problem it was just some stupid simulation. That's when I heard a male friend say to them her dad died in a car accident caused by a drunk driver so shut up. I remember most how even in a crowded gym they weren't afraid to reach out to me and physically hold me and comfort me and they have done that and continue to do that. I love my family and all those in my life don't get me wrong I need you all too but it's been the constant steady love of my friends who has gotten me through a lot and to this day they are in my life things have changed some as we have grown up and have families of our own but the important things haven't we still have each other's backs. This is a poem I wrote talking about that and I would like to share it I don't share my poetry much but I feel like I want to now I might as well after sharing all this. I feel free now though I don't feel like I'm carrying around a dirty little secret anymore.

Darkness was everywhere I could see

Heaviness and pain completely consuming me

My soul desired to break free and feel light

However, I was quickly losing my fight.

Just when I was about to give in
God sent me help so I could win.

He sent me love in the form of friends

Friends whose love is without end.

Friends who let me borrow their light

And brushed me off it was going to be alright.

It took some time for the pain to subside

But no longer alone I was ready for the ride.

I came through the darkness into the light

Forever thankful for those who aided my fight

Now on to the rest of our lives

Now that we have had some time to get over the shock of his appointment we were not prepared for that things are somewhat better. There are some things that he will have to continue to do for the rest of his life such as take medication and test his blood but there are things we can control and can fix and there's something about feeling empowered that helps. We have been starting to turn our eating habits and exercise habits around. We are eating less and trying to eat more of the right foods and less of the wrong ones and we are starting to move around more and sit still less. It's going to be a work in progress but the good news is that with more of these changes his numbers will drop more into a normal range and he may be able to reduce or eliminate a lot of the medications that right now his doctor says that he needs. We have been making some discoveries along the way that are helping to make this transition easier
1) There are substitutes for foods that he loves that he can still eat and that's making us both happy.
2) That having more veggies and less cheese and sauces on your Subway sandwich actually make it taste so much better along with having it on whole wheat bread the next thing we want to try is honey mustard we are not real mustard fans but it's worth a try.
3) That we aren't going to change all our bad habits over night but as we work at it and start making better choices we are starting to see a difference, our stomachs are beginning to shrink again and we are starting to see a small difference in clothing size as clothes are starting to loosen.
4) Most important that our marriage can survive anything including this added stress and chaos and that we are in this together and that makes these new changes much easier to make although they are still difficult it would be even worse if only one of us was doing the changing.
By the way I am so grateful to our friends and family for their advice, tips and support we appreciate you all and I'm really grateful to a good friend of mine who knows my husband and how much he loves his bacon and eggs because she suggested egg beaters and turkey bacon. Thank you for that so much that was one thing he was not happy about never having again that and pepperoni and now it's nice to know there are options we also found turkey pepperoni as well.

What really matters

Today put everything in perspective and I mean EVERYTHING every petty argument I have ever had with my spouse every annoying habit no longer matters. What could make me think that way well it's quite simple we got his lab results back and we braced ourselves for not good news but what we got was beyond bad it was downright scary. His cholesterol is extremely high paired with triglycerides in the range of 23,000 really really dangerously high and type 2 Diabetes on top of that really not good news. His doctor didn't beat around the bush at all Damian is in severe trouble had we not caught this now he would have had about a year of life left. That would put him at about 36 and me 31 way way too young. That is what has us both so freaked out and willing to do everything the doctor says to get his health back in check. He is on Metformin now and his doctor will be adding more medications as he gets acclimated to each one, he also has diabetes testing supplies and we will be implementing severe life style changes such as more exercise regularly and a diet that is healthy for us lower in fat, calories, sugar and simple carbohydrates. The good news is that we caught it in enough time that we can save him, we are in this together, he has already lost 23 lbs and he has Medicaid that covers all his necessary supplies and medications so we can keep him around a little longer. God willing a lot longer because I'm sorry this is something we can fix and I'm not ready to lose him yet I'm not going to go down without a fight. He has a lot to live for and a lot of people who love him. It just takes a moment though for all that is petty to no longer matter we are so grateful for all we have and for each other. He is the love of my life and I can't imagine waking up each day and not having him there. I'm learning to look the other way now when he annoys me and think what's worse that he leaves the dishes in the walking path instead of putting them in the sink or spending my day without hearing his voice, his laughter or feeling his arms around me. I think the second one so from now on the little things won't matter so much and I won't sweat the small stuff.

To Reach the Unreachable Star

In recent years I have listened to my heart and gut and know what I was put here on Earth to do and that is to work with little children and pursue Early Childhood education. That doesn't sound like a big deal just go back to school well there is the problem I burned some bridges when I was "discovering" myself and I owe student loans and I would have to pay for a quarter at Spokane Falls Community College where I would need to go to get my degree if I wanted to even get financial aid. The other option is to pay the tuition and fees myself which I could save up for eventually but that would take quite awhile. Then I happened upon the SNAP website which stands for Spokane Neighborhood Action Programs and I saw that they have a savings match program where I would need to save up to 2,000 dollars in a designated savings account, attend a financial management class run by SNAP, research my intended purchase in this case school (they also would allow you to save for a house or opening a business) and follow up regularly with a SNAP caseworker and keep steady employment for at least 6 months and they are willing to provide up to 4,000 dollars in funds in assistance. This program is intended to help encourage independence and I intend to make good use of it because I discovered something about myself my grades in school were great when it was something I cared about but when it involved math or science that's when my grades tanked. I was looking into the Early Childhood program and all the classes involved and they will all be really interesting. I am planning on trying really hard to get all I need together so I can be a full time student a year from now. I know that I will have to make that sacrifice for at least a year for a certificate or two for an A.A.S Degree I do not know until I contact the program head which will be best for me but it's something I am willing to do to reach my dream. I say sacrifice because unlike some other liberal arts programs it's not just three hours of class and then I'm done I'm going to have to add a whole ton of hours in an early childhood classroom by quarters end every quarter. Thank goodness they have a daycare on campus to help with that it will be worth it though I have been happiest when I have been working in a child care environment. I am so happy that there will be a way for me to do this and make this happen.

What love is capable of

Ella Gardner born October 31, 2008 she was due Feb 3, 2009 1lb 14 oz she was placed in the care of Angela and Randall Gardner by Thanksgiving she was so tiny they had to keep her in the hospital but with the loving devotion of her foster parents she thrived. Once Ella felt their love and felt their concern for her she fought and she grew and grew and grew.

Angela doing Kangaroo care with Ella they did that regularly so Ella could feel skin to skin contact and could feel secure and loved.



Ella now almost two years old on the day of her adoption September 13, 2010 big, strong, happy and thriving thanks to the constant love and nurture of her adoptive parents.


It's official Ella becomes Ella Paige Gardner daughter of Angela and Randall Gardner

Love is capable of so much and it is my belief that EVERY single child born needs to feel love and needs to have a family who loves them. I think it speaks volumes when someone can reach out to a child they didn't carry inside them and love them and help them thrive. Angela summed it up well when she told me that it wasn't an easy decision to decide to take in a daughter that was so small and in intensive care they didn't have any guarantees but that what they ultimately decided was that this little girl needed a mommy and daddy who loved her as long as they had her they would be that for her. Now that's love and that's inspiring to me as I am going on this journey to foster parenting and adoption myself that is an example I can follow.

Working as a team

I am so happy I feel like I have a brand new husband already and he hasn't even started any medications yet. For a long time I loved my husband but didn't feel like we were consistently a team he had his moments but he could also tend to be passive aggressive telling me what he thought I wanted to hear which was not always the best thing for us as a couple. Now the difference is amazing he is contributing more and we are discussing more and talking more. I am so proud of him for even going on his own to get his lab work done for his doctor so his medical doctor can assess him and help him. We know already though that he has some health issues that need to be addressed. He's also more affectionate and much much calmer he hasn't had to use his mad hat in a few days now and that is awesome. He's also improving when it comes to talking to me and communicating how he is thinking and feeling when before he would just get mad and storm off or completely shut down. I really think that him working with Kim has been amazing and he's just getting started it's going to be exciting to see how far he can come with some help. I know he can do so much and achieve a lot he just needed someone else besides me to help him unlock all that potential and to help him see it. I really am glad that I stuck it out now and gave him a chance I feel like he's got a new lease on life all he needed was a little help and honestly his parents did not help they didn't take the time to listen to their children they still don't so Damian was programmed to shut down and believe that his thoughts and feelings didn't matter. It's sad but it took him a long time to realize and understand that they do and that there are people who value him and his contributions and input. It's going to be fun for me to see him as he grows and progresses I truly believe that he can accomplish anything he sets his mind to and that with Kim's help he will grow as a person and want to achieve goals in his life.

FINALLY we are getting somewhere

Today was a monumental day for Damian and I well mostly for him but as anyone who is married knows that if your spouse is going through something you go through it too. Today was Damian's second appointment with Kim his mental health therapist and she actually addressed concerns we had with Damian getting easily agitated even at things that are beyond anyone's control and his sleep patterns or lack thereof. She also wants to put Damian on a medication here in the next month or so and see how he does. I like how she gave him coping mechanisms though and those along with his vitamin regimen and my insistence that he get some sun every day have helped ease the intensity of his episodes. She wants him to sleep no more than 9 hours a night and she wants to see him develop a consistent time to go to bed and time to wake up everyday. She also said that a nap is okay but that it can not be longer than 2 hours and that he has to be awake several hours before he can take one. This means I can wake him up if needed doctor's orders. She also told him that if he gets angry with someone that he needs to speak up kindly and communicate instead of lashing out with anger so that person knows he's upset and needs some time to calm down. When it's an inanimate object she wants him to step back and take a break but so everyone around him knows that so he can breathe she wants him to either tell them or put on a hat until he can calm down. The hat is basically just a symbol that he needs some time to chill out and gather his thoughts in privacy. We see some hope and are getting somewhere these coping mechanisms will no longer be needed once he learns how to calm down on his own but right now they will help him before he blows his top. He's learning also relaxation techniques and meditation and to channel his thoughts so they don't race ahead of him. She is confident that with continued sessions and the use of these techniques that the medication will be effective and Damian will be able to fully function. He's been really cooperative so that really helps she wasn't going to put him on meds yet but since he is working with DVR at the same time and they insist on him finding work ASAP she wants to put him on something to see if it will work and help so that way he won't blow his top at work again and go all the way back to square one just as he is beginning to make so much progress. He's doing really great but like she said it's hard to be patient but we need to be we need to remember it's a step at a time sometimes two it's going to take time to reprogram the way he thinks and how he copes and his behaviors he didn't learn them overnight and he won't be able to fix them over night.

Time with the girls

The last few days have been really busy but it's been worth it I have been spending time with my nieces Lexus and Kaylee. Monday was planned as Lexus was hurt that Uncle Damian couldn't come when I was there Friday night and Saturday so we had a family BBQ and Uncle Damian built block towers because Lexus is my special pal but no one can make a block tower like Uncle Damian or so she tells me. The PowerPoint we made of the girls set to the songs "In my daughter's eyes" and "Let them be little" was a hit Gwynne and James had fun remembering and the common question was was Lexus really that little and they even got a little misty eyed. I'm glad they liked it I want to put it on DVD for them to have forever. I also was needed to babysit the next couple of days for them so I volunteered so that has been great. Kaylee is starting to warm up to me so that's a plus too. Then Friday night I'm staying the night so I can attend Chad Noack's open house and then on Saturday it will be a bitter sweet day the bitter part is a funeral and the sweet part is a wedding reception. Lexus has been in hog heaven having me there she is loving it she even told me today that she loved me without being coaxed. She can be a handful at times but I wouldn't have it any other way she's my special pal too. I really love being her auntie. I also got to get a job soon and start saving because her mom and dad are thinking about a Disney vacation in a year or so and Lexus REALLY wanted me to go with them she was really upset when her daddy said no but her mommy said that I could go with them if I could pay my way. That will be perfect they could use help with the girls in such a large place and I always have loved Disney and have wanted to go and Damian doesn't want to so it's a win win as far as I'm concerned.

Thinking about weddings

All these weddings and engagements lately of people I know have gotten me reminiscing and thinking about my own was it really almost 10 and a half years ago on June 24th 2000? To me it seems like yesterday that I was a younger bride looking forward to the future panicking about the reception and feeling bitter sweet emotions packing up my childhood and saying good bye to my old familiar room. I still remember every detail about that day my favorite being Damian and I sitting in the Celestial Room of the Temple hand in hand waiting for the sealing to start. We talked in hushed tones of course about our future already making promises to each other to love and care for each other our entire lives. This was a big day and a big step to promise to love and care for a man for eternity but I wasn't scared or nervous I could look into his eyes and then look at the sealer and with peace of mind and all my heart say that I would. We have grown together and had our ups and downs but I do not regret my decision or the promises I made that we made. Our love has grown even as we have grown and matured and while I could nit pick even our separation it helped us grow together as a couple and helped us become stronger as a couple.I could also nit pick him and his annoying habits but I am just as annoying and I'm sure Damian could about me if he wanted to. I have learned something about love it's not purely physical, it is not just twitterpation it is steady, it is true it will grow and evolve with time it is not stagnant it can die or grow depending on the care it is given and it is joy when you are married to your best friend. I also learned that a wedding is great and it's exciting but what I did that was different was that while I planned a wedding and wanted the reception to go off without a hitch I also planned for a marriage. I prepared myself to trust my heart in the keeping of another for the rest of my life and to trust him completely and I also made sure he knew he could put his heart in my keeping and I would take care of it for him as well. I think that has made a difference everyone can have a wedding and have a party but having a marriage is something completely different and I would rather have a marriage. We have so much to learn still but I feel comfort knowing that we are learning together.

Walking down memory lane

I decided to play with power point for the first time and make a slide show of my nieces for James and Gwynne set to the music of Let Them Be Little by Lonestar and it was easy to do. I will need Damian's help with the music part and finishing it but creating the slides was fairly easy. It's amazing how much the girls have changed from babies into little girls especially Lexus. It was fun to do and fun to revisit those moments. I have really loved being their auntie those girls are amazing and it has been fun watching them grow and spending time with them. I am so glad that I was able to cast off my bitterness a few years ago and really throw my energy into being an auntie because it has been so worth it. Those girls have made me laugh and have filled me with so much joy. I also feel they have started to prepare me for my real life's work and they continue to teach me what I need to learn and grow so it's been really great.

What love can do

I have always been a strong advocate of love and kindness and I do firmly believe the old saying that you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. I have proven this time after time in my own life in my dealings with people but I have observed it even more lately with my husband. I assumed when we got married that he knew some key principles and things that he didn't. I never realized how damaged he was emotionally and how sensitive he can be because he hid it well. I have had to change tactics and focus on love and loving him and building him up and making sure he knows this love is unconditional. As a result of the love and nurturing he is receiving not only from me but from his support team, counselor and his DVR case worker he is growing so much and thriving. It's exciting to see him passionate about life again and throwing himself and his energy into building up himself and his well being and not being afraid to stand up for himself and what he wants. I am so proud of him and know he will do well if he can stay focused on those who love him and want to build him up and stay away from those who won't. I can see him standing firmly on his own two legs we found the problem in the past he would start to stand up and have the courage to go for what he wanted and to go for his dreams but then when he would start to do well but was still a little shaky he let nay sayers knock him back down again. This time he's learning that he doesn't have to listen to what others say he can follow his own voice and his own heart and that he has that right and that he is intelligent and capable of living his own life and following his dreams. I'm beginning to really see the fruit of my labors not to toot my own horn but it's taken a lot of time and love to help him and help him realize for himself what I have seen from the beginning. I am married to a wonderful, kind, sensitive, intelligent man who once he can get his self confidence and momentum going can be a force to be reckoned with.

Progress

After a slow start with DVR we are finally getting somewhere. Damian has been scheduled for a week of vocational assessment testing which his case worker will use to evaluate his strengths and weaknesses and help him find work. We have been hesitant as to how much help they can give him although we do know they have access to all kinds of agencies and referrals but again we needed to be patient Heavenly Father had a plan. Damian did well on day one of his tests and he was talking to the guy who does these and he said that Damian's case worker is excellent that he has worked with her for many years and once she knows you are committed to helping yourself she will bend over backwards to help you get and keep a job that you can be good at and succeed at. This is wonderful news for us as Damian will be doing great for awhile but then something happens he doesn't even know what and he loses the job. We are hoping that between his case worker and his therapist Kim we can figure out what is causing that and find a solution. I have been slowly seeing growth in Damian and it's been great to watch him gain some self confidence. I have to be patient and trust the process but it is comforting to know that at least we are getting somewhere.

Girly Stuff

I have always been a paradox I am hard to figure out even for myself I am yin and yang I am my own worst enemy sometimes. That's just how I am I played with dolls growing up and loved them like children but hated pink and girly games and loved to be one of the guys playing with He-Man and playing baseball happiest playing with dirt. See what I mean but it gets better. I loved spending time with girl friends watching love stories and romances playing Barbies but I detested makeup and other girly things. I really fought against the grain growing up hating frilly dresses and stuff like that. It's only been as I am older that I am starting to understand myself. I had a PartyLite party for a friend of mine last night and I actually had fun and I actually found things I could enjoy buying to make my home more of a pleasant place to be. It was then and only then that I understood me and who I am as a girl and woman. I will be brutally honest with the exception of a few women whose company I thoroughly enjoy I don't like being around women. The ones I'm talking about that I don't enjoy are catty, two faced, pretentious and fake. I don't do any of those things. I don't think that just because you are a woman that you can't be intelligent or that you should just get a crap college degree because you are just going to be getting married anyway. That doesn't always work and life happens sometimes what if you need to work to take care of your family that does happen. I also don't think that wearing frilly dresses and liking girly crap makes you a woman either. This was when I figured out what kind of woman I want to be and I made peace with me. I want to be intelligent and take care of my body I want to wear makeup but on my terms. I want to wear a pant suit once in awhile but if I find a skirt or dress that I like I want to wear that too. I want choices I don't want to feel like I have to conform to what some one says a woman should be. I want to be strong and do my part to take care of my family and those I love who says that just because I'm a woman that I have to be a damsel in distress but at the same time I want to be soft too and once in awhile be taken care of. I want to love and uplift those around me and uplift and empower my nieces so that they know that the sky is the limit they can be the woman that they want to be that it's just as okay for them to be a doctor or scientist AND a mommy that they don't have to always just choose one or the other.

Change in plans

When I envisioned motherhood I will be honest I dreamed of babies of my own and when that didn't happen I pictured us going to the hospital to pick up a newborn foster child to love and nurture and help grow up. That is not what Heavenly Father has in mind though I have decided to take this matter up with him and pray about it and figure out what he wants for us. Then I was an obedient daughter quieting my mind and heart so I could listen and the answer I got was the opposite of what I had envisioned and thought about. I was thinking of a baby boy or at least a toddler boy someone to pass on the name of Impett well what came to my heart and mind as being right is a girl that is anywhere from 3 to 8 in age and that idea freaked me out at first but then I realized a scary thought if I had been able to get pregnant right away I would have almost had a 10 year old or pretty darn close to it that's a pretty eerie thought. I realized also that babies and toddlers get adopted and find permanent homes but who wants an older child.I believe that every child should have the right to a permanent home and to have a family who loves them. Then I had to be brutally honest with myself babies scare me I am uncomfortable holding and handling them I try my best with my nieces and nephews but when I get freaked I can hand them back. Also now Lexus is three is when she is getting to be the most fun and enjoyable I love watching her become a little person that is so amazing to me. I love hanging out with her and having fun with her watching her discover the world. I also know that Damian would handle an older child better as well he also doesn't do great in the baby department. I am amazed though that I have a Heavenly Father who knows us and loves us so much that he would give me such inspiration and guide me in a direction where we would be happy and be able to give happiness and love to a little girl who needs a home and family. It's similar to the puppy syndrome everyone dotes on a cute puppy but it takes real love and devotion to love the dog when it grows up. We still have to get our ducks in a row but we are being led in that direction and if we are obedient and follow soon it will happen and we can complete our family because in my heart I know something is missing still.

Love

Love has blessed my life in many many ways and in many many forms I can't express how full of love my heart is and just when I think it overflows it grows to fill with more love for more people. I love that anyway I just wanted to share some awesome quotes about love in many forms.
Marriage:
Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.
Antoine De Saint-Exupery

The real act of marriage takes place in the heart, not in the ballroom or church or synagogue. It's a choice you make -- not just on your wedding day, but over and over again -- and that choice is reflected in the way you treat your husband or wife.
Barbara De Angelis

Marriage is not a noun; it's a verb. It isn't something you get. It's something you do. It's the way you love your partner every day.
Barbara De Angelis

Friendship

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Others stay awhile, make footprints on our hearts and we are never, ever the same.
Anonymous

You May Be One Person To The World But You May Be The World To One Person.
Anonymous .

Without friends no one would choose to live.
Aristotle

A friend is one to whom one can pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keeping what is worth keeping, and, with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away.
Arabian Proverb

Family (includes fathers, mothers, etc)

The greatest gift I ever had Came from God, and I call him Dad!
Anonymous

Blessed indeed is the man who hears many gentle voices call him father!
Lydia M. Child

God couldn't be everywhere, so he created mothers
Jewish Proverbs

An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy.
Spanish Proverbs

Sister

Sister is probably the most competitive relationship within the family, but once the sisters are grown, it becomes the strongest relationship.
Margaret Mead

You know full well as I do the value of sisters' affections: There is nothing like it in this world.
Charlotte Bronte

Brothers

There's no other love like the love for a brother. There's no other love like the love from a brother. ~Astrid Alauda

The mildest, drowsiest sister has been known to turn tiger if her sibling is in trouble. ~Clara Ortega

Grandparents

A child needs a grandparent, anybody's grandparent, to grow a little more securely into an unfamiliar world. ~Charles and Ann Morse

A grandfather is someone with silver in his hair and gold in his heart. ~Author Unknown

Aunts/Uncles

“Only an Aunt can give hugs like a mother, can keep secrets like a sister, and share love like a friend.”
~ Spanish Proverb

I miss my aunt and my uncle very much and there are not enough words to express how much they mean to me.

~ Heather Mazarakos

I think that sums up some of the various types of love and there is one that still amazes me I can't believe how much I have loved being an aunt it started with little Lexus she was sunshine to the darkness in my soul I couldn't help but love her. Now her sister Kaylee, my nephew Gaige and little Ella have joined places in my heart. It's amazing to me that I can love each of them so fully although they are all different. I never thought I could love them so much they have cleared away the sorrow and pain in my heart and I couldn't love them anymore. I think of them, pray for them and would walk through fire to protect them I never thought I could love a child that was not my own so much.

Girls Night In

Tonight was a lot of fun spent doing a couple of loads of laundry at my mother in law's while she and I watched a chic flick. We almost watched an older movie starring Sandra Dee but the DVD was cracked too bad so we watched Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 and it was awesome. Then we got to talking and we share similar tastes in books and movies in fact I was looking for books to read so mom gave me a few to borrow. It's really great that we really have learned how to get along I feel blessed to have the relationship with them that I have. They are really great people and it's awesome that we get along so well.

Guided

For a few years now okay 12 ever since I graduated High School I feel like I have been lost and drifting a Jill of all trades if you will. I had dreams I have carried but haven't had the guts to carry them out so they just waited. I also was needing a direction so I panicked and looked everywhere not realizing that if I had calmed down and had some faith that I would be led on the path I needed to go. I have done just that I didn't panic when I was out of work the middle of May I quieted myself enough to realize had I just calmed down and had been still I would have found my compass a long time ago. I needed to listen to my heart and now I have done just that I have gone back to the type of work that I'm good at. It may not work for anyone else but they aren't the ones holding down the job. It will be a challenge but bring it on I'm ready. Also this job is full time year round which is great and when I get the chance I can also take online classes and be able to afford to do so while still remaining employed. That feels amazing I feel so happy and blessed and that's what happens when you are guided and you don't try and forge your own path. I am kicking myself because had I just calmed down years ago I would have found my true calling in life. I'm not saying I am going to be on the phones forever but it's an avenue that will allow me to get to where I need to be. I'm learning to follow the path God has intended for me to follow no matter what anyone else says or does. I'm learning I need to listen to him and not to anyone else they have their own strengths, weaknesses and paths to follow they need to leave me alone and let me follow mine. I'm learning to trust myself and the strengths I have been given but most important I am learning to trust in him and let him lead me and I'm not feeling dread or fear. That's awesome for me I could have been thrown into a full blown anxiety attack but I feel no fear I feel anticipation and excitement. I think also that when I worked at Venture Data five years ago I developed adaptation skills I put those away but I will need them again. I will need all the things I learned at Venture Data to do this job. Those things include flexibility and not allowing myself to get rattled no matter what may get thrown my way. I know I can do this I have done something quite similar actually, it was called being thrown on a client monitored survey without prior notice and not even a briefing about what the survey was talk about pressure if that didn't rattle me then I need to channel my inner calm and self confidence and do it again. I feel better and happier knowing I was guided to this job I feel it and I know it and I know I will not be forsaken I will be led again and guided as I try and learn this job and what I need to do.

Oh my papa

I am having a moment where I am thinking about my dad. I have healed for the most part and have accepted his death and live my life but I just happened upon this song when I was looking up old Roger Whittaker songs he did a version of this song but the video of that one has lots of extra crap in it. This song has always brought tears to my eyes it's called Oh Mein Papa is the German version of course I don't know German so the English version is called Oh my Papa and this song is my dad. I never knew anyone so loving, generous and kind even when I was in trouble. I miss him and I do my best to live on and share his legacy and his love and to laugh and smile the way he would want me to but sometimes I still have moments.

Do it anyway

Lately I have come under fire and have been accused of not being able to mind my own business because I attempted to help someone who had not directly asked for help. I'm sorry I didn't mean to offend but it has been my experience that sometimes someone wants help but they don't know how to ask for it and if they didn't want any help they would definitely tell you. I also have been told that I should just give up being so nice and trying to help everyone that I can't possibly make a difference. You know sometimes I felt that way and was discouraged but I can't help it it's in my nature to help other people even if I don't know them. It's in my nature to want to help and try and make a difference in not only my life but the life of someone else someone I may not even know. I am reminded of a story about that in the first Chicken Soup for the Soul book where someone was randomly throwing star fish back into the ocean because they had washed up on the beach. An observer was watching this and commented about how could that person possibly make a difference as there were still so many star fish on the shore. The person just threw another one in the ocean and said "I made a difference to that one." I feel like that I know there have been people whose life I touched and even though I didn't get to see the outcome I know in my heart that a simple kindness and act of love did make a small difference in their life. We don't know when a smile, touch of the hand, taking time to listen or something as small as being a friend or making a phone call or even helping someone carry something will make a huge difference in that person's life. It seems so small but it's been the small things that mean the most. I can testify to that in my life I don't know how many times I was sinking and I was saved by small acts of love and kindness. I also know that not every act of kindness will manifest itself and that sometimes it can feel like a waste of time, energy and effort but I also know that I need to do it anyway because if I don't I have given in to the hatred and bitterness and selfishness that is rampant in this world. I have posted these songs before but I love them and I'm going to post them again.
Martina McBride's Anyway she sings about just this type of subject in this song that's why I love it

I firmly believe in this philosohy that love is the only house that is big enough for all the pain in the world. Love can do a lot it is more powerful than hatred and fear.

2 years in the making

I have done really good not getting too overly excited and getting ahead of myself but now I can unleash my excitement. Angela and Randall my sister and brother in law who live in California will officially be adopting their almost two year old foster daughter Ella the 13th of September. I am so excited for them and that also means after that I will be allowed to post pictures of her I was not allowed to do so for privacy reasons but after that I can do as I please pretty much. I am also excited because I have not had the chance to meet her but I will get to for Christmas. We really wanted to get down to California for the adoption proceedings but that was just not going to be possible. This little girl is meant to be in our family there is no doubt about that she is just a gorgeous little girl she is Hispanic and Native American with thick curly black hair she was born with and has kept. She has spunk and is playful and she doesn't quit until she gets what she is after we knew that after her birth. She was born about three months premature her birthday was Oct 31 but she was not due until Feb 3 and although she weighed in at only 1lb 14 oz that little one beat the odds and not only made it but is thriving. She is making constant gains and granted she is not on the same par as other almost two year old's her age but she is catching up and she will get there. She also had to struggle her first few months of life just to survive and learn how to breathe and eat on her own without assistance. We are just grateful she made it and she had the will to live because even the best care and incubators in the world can only do so much. I am so happy for Angela and Randall and that we have an official new addition to our family although Ella has been ours in our hearts the whole time since the very first picture I saw on mom's camera phone.

Writing projects

I discovered something about myself while I was in Conconully in regards to my writing. I grew up writing before computers were a big deal and every household had one so I am not used to using one to do my writing. I have done okay and made a few short stories on one but nothing with any real substance. I started writing in just a cheap notebook on the way to Conconully and the story just began to flow. I was also at peace and calm that helped to. The same thing when I was at Christina's place I was able to write a lot more. I got myself stressed so I haven't written since then but I'm going to pick up my little notebook and start writing a little everyday I think. I learned I can write so much better first on paper and then transcribe it into my computer to have a copy I can transmit to everyone else. It sounds silly to write only to write again but it's just the way that I have to do it.

The Lighthouse

This is the first bit of poetry that I have written in a few years. I can write novels and stories at the drop of a hat but poetry for me has to be inspired. I know it's not perfect or in any kind of formal form but I don't care about that to me it's the feeling that I try and portray that makes it so important. This is for my husband but I wanted to share it here too.
The Lighthouse
A lighthouse provides guidance and light
a protection from the storms that rage into the night.
Let me be a lighthouse as I safely guide you home
Let me help guide you as you see you are not alone.

It's easy to drift away in life's storms
Let me guide you to where it's safe and warm.
It's easy to feel anger and pain a never ending rain
But reach for me I can help you feel love again.

A lighthouse gives constant steady light
as you use it to get home in the night.
I am the lighthouse I am steady too
I will never ever turn away from you.

Closing doors opening others

Damian and I are in a new place in our lives now it's kinda eerie in a good way. For the first time in a long time we are starting to think and act like adults and that includes taking care of our mental well being. We are no where near perfect or where we want to be yet but we are getting there. I am further along on this road than Damian but I think that is so I can help him. I still remember being where he is full of anger, hurt and resentment but not sure how to let it go or release it because that is all you know. I remember being scared to close the door to the past and open the one to the present and future even though logically I knew that the door to the past held nothing for me. I remember others sent to help me along my way and who offered me their hands but I was so scared to let go that I sometimes tried to push them away from me meanwhile praying they wouldn't go away. Damian is starting to understand something very important in all this that I have needed him to understand and that is that I love him, I chose him once and I chose him again when I chose to come back and I am not going anywhere. He can push all he wants and I will not bend I am here with him for the good the bad and the ugly no matter what life throws. I think he is starting to calm down a little realizing that. He also is realizing he has real honest to goodness friends and that has helped along with a counselor who really does care about him and his permanent well being and family. She also doesn't put up with bs so that is great too she wants him to learn to stop obsessing and just let go. I still struggle with that so I can relate. Anyway part of that is facing the past I did through writing and I feel great letting out so much pent up emotion. Damian doesn't write so together we have been brainstorming and for him I think it is going to be something hard but worth doing. He grew up in Shelton and he has both good and bad memories there unfortunately in his situation he still has family and friends there but he won't go see them because of the bad memories. We are thinking about taking a trip together so he can see people and face some of these memories with me beside him to hold his hand. He's going to talk it over with his therapist to see what she thinks but if it's a go we are going to try and start saving some money to go. I think that is part of growing up though facing things that have haunted us and hurt us, making our peace with them and then learning to let go.