Lesson learned over Blueberry Pancakes

Yesterday morning I had yet another bout of insomnia and as I sat and tried to get myself tired I was also thinking and stewing about some things. I should probably save this for a less public forum but if it helps another couple out it was worth sharing. Damian and I are trying to make it work as many of you know we were separated for 13 months and came really close to divorce. Well, we somehow made our way back together and while we love each other dearly life isn't always a rose garden and sometimes we struggle. Lately, I have more panic and anxiety attacks I think I have a more general form of anxiety where anything and everything can panic me at different times. Well, anyway I was stewing about how Damian should just know what to do to comfort me and I wondered if he still felt the same way about me now as he did back almost 9 years ago when we met at a young single adult dance and he gave me a hug. Yes he was really that bold why I didn't slap him I don't know. Anyway, I was sitting stewing musing over the lost romance and how to make it come back. Then an inspiration came to me in the form of a question which was this, "What romantic or nice thing had I done for him lately?" I thought about that and I had to be ashamed of myself true he didn't exactly sweep me off my feet like he used to in the days that we had dated and been engaged but when I was brutally honest with myself I realized I hadn't done much either. So knowing that he had to get up by about 5am to have time to get ready to make his first bus connection to the valley for his ham fest thing I decided to make sure he had a good hearty meal to get the day started right. I used to cook breakfast and stuff for him all the time and I'm not really sure why that stopped laziness probably. Well, we didn't have pancake mix but we had blueberry jiffy muffin mix so I followed the pancake directions and used a stove top skillet and while my efforts turned out okay I hoped it would be the thought that counted. So I ate my portion and waited for his alarm to go off. When he got up I proudly showed him the pancakes his reaction floored me, "Thanks honey" he said, "but why did you do this?" I just told him that he would have a long day and I wanted him to have a nice breakfast he was shocked I could tell but he grinned from ear to ear as he rushed around the house managing to get dressed, eat his breakfast and pack his lunch similtaniously. I smiled happy he liked my mediocore attempt at blueberry pancakes but more importantly at the lesson I learned. I learned that it takes two people to have a romance and that you can't just sit and stew and wait for the other person sometimes you have to take the initiatve and get the ball rolling. I also realized that it's the small things that we do for our partner or for our kids or whoever we love that matter the most. How did it all turn out in terms of strengthening our marriage? Well, that answer came after he came home after dinner at Mongolian Grill. I hadn't slept all night so I crashed for a few hours and I missed my alarm so I couldn't go but when he came home I was awake. He excitedly told me everything what he did and about how they got him busy collecting dues for his ham club and about the people and friends he had met and made. I usually reacted with boredom but this time I listened I told myself you know what this means the world to him and you want support when you do what you like so listen to him. I did and I was surprised to find that as I did we talked more about other things. Then my dinner I think I had a baked potato that was starting to go bad was not agreeing with me well we had a little money since I hadn't taken the bus with him that night so he gallantly agreed to go run to Yoke's just across the street and get me some 7-UP to settle my stomach. I was shocked usually I had to fight with him tooth and nail to do something like that. He had hoped we had enough to get him a 20 oz pop too so you can imagine my shock and surprise when he came home with just a single pop, a 20 oz 7-UP just for me. He told me that we only had had enough for the one pop and that I needed mine more than he needed his. I smiled and thanked him pleasantly surprised as there have been many times he has just run out and got himself something without even bothering to ask or notice me at all. I drank it and slowly started feeling better meanwhile he laid next to me in bed and cuddled me and stuff and tried to make me feel good about stuff. Then another part of the lesson hit me, he did care maybe he didn't show it in the ways I think he should or in the ways that he used to but he did care still the same. We settled down to sleep until my insomnia got me up again and I would like to think that our marriage is doing so much better over some simple blueberry pancakes. Who woulda thunk?

Ham Radio Isn't So Bad

For months on end now Damian had been driving me crazy talking on and on about getting his ham radio license that was all he could talk about. He got all the study materials he needed off the internet and for months every waking moment was spent reading over his materials. I tried helping him but although I tried to stay awake and support my husband the material was boring to me all about electrical stuff although it fascinated him. Well, anyway he got his license earlier this month and I'm proud of him and his efforts that he learned that if you put hard work and effort into something it will pay off. Well anyway he has joined a ham club and at first I had mixed feelings about that but now I'm glad that he did he is making some new friends with some really nice people who share his interests. He is also going to be involved with some kind of training excercise to make sure ham operators are ready to respond in case of an emergency situation so that will be good for him. He is all excited to be going to a ham fest tomorrow he was only going to stay for just a couple of hours and then head home by bus but some fellow hammies want him to go with them to Mongolian Grill out in the Valley and I get to join them so that will be fun. All in all I guess I have to concede and say that ham radio isn't so bad after all it has it's uses and he seems to enjoy it and making friends has been hard for Damian and he seems to be making quite a few so that is a good thing.

My Cup Runneth Over

Tonight I was listening to a Michael McLean cd that Damian found and as I did I felt the spirit so strongly that was our impromtu family home evening it didn't start out that way but we both felt so good listening to it that we didn't want to stop. As I listened I also got to pondering my blessings and how good the Lord has been to me. From time to time it is easy to get caught up in the woe is me game my problem however is that I get stuck there and forget how blessed I truly am. Once I started counting my many blessings one by one my cup has runneth over. I want to list just a few......I'm thankful for a roof over my head and food to eat and warmth for many do not have such things. I am thankful for my husband and family every single one of them who has stood beside me and loved me my whole life. I am thankful for loving dear friends who saved me from being bullied and picked on who saw the pain in my eyes and loved me. To this day many of you are in my life and I have been truly blessed by your love and friendship and devotion. I love you more than I can express although I hope you feel it because I would not be where I am today without you. You laughed with me, cried with me and helped me bring out the potential I had locked inside. You never turned away from me ever but showed me Christlike love and charity and I love you for all this and so much more because of you all I learned how to be a friend. I am thankful for a loving God who knows us and who gives us what we need not what we want but always what we need. He has put things in my life and people in my life that have made me so much better than I was. I am thankful for being able to be an auntie to a darling little girl who smiles and blows me kisses and who gives her auntie so much joy and warms my heart with her love her hugs and her kisses. She has done more to heal my broken heart over being childless than I could have ever thought possible. So for these things and many more I am so thankful, my cup has runneth over and I'm sure that our loving God isn't done yet.

Just a general update on some stuff

First of all sorry I haven't put on here any pics of our campout/ reunion I forgot my digital camera and although Damian took some pics on his cell phone he hasn't uploaded them yet so they will be up as soon as I can motivate him to do it. Also Damian and I had our second date night Friday night and it was more of a success this time around. We had more to talk about with each other and we weren't as inclined to go run off and play with our toys it was easier to put them away for awhile. Damian hasn't been able to get a dr's appt after his was cancelled for Sep but it turned out for the best as that dr was not a pyschatrist at all just a nurse practitioner. I don't have anything against that but that would have not worked out in this situation as Damian has mental health issues not physical issues we need dealt with at the moment. So I'm hunting for dr's and having him make phone calls until we find one. However, on the good side of things Damian has calmed down...after an initial fall out from not letting him drink Dr. Pepper he has actually began to do really well. He sleeps through out the night and he isn't as edgy and he isn't for lack of a better word bouncing off the walls. Actually we both haven't drunk as much pop as we are used to and it's been better for the both of us. We are both losing some weight just from doing one simple thing who whoulda thunk?

Thanks for the input!!!

Thanks for your input and ideas I appreciate it so much as Damian and I try and learn to hold our own family home evenings. Also thanks for the ideas about how to bring more purpose and meaning to our family scripture study I have been implementing the new ideas and so far Damian doesn't drag his feet as much about studying the scriptures with me so that's a real plus. We are going to hold our first family home evening in years on Sunday night we decided on Sunday night because for us personally Monday night is very chaotic and hectic. I think that for this first one Damian and I are going to discuss some family business like how we are going to decide who plans what things like that then we are going to have some kind of activity and then brownies for desert. For this first one I want to keep it short and simple and then go from there. Thanks for the support and ideas they were great and thanks for supporting us as a family unit as one of you said families come in all shapes and sizes.

Trying to hold Family Home Evening as a Couple with no kids

Hey everyone!!! This is kinda a blog post to try and get some input....as many of you know Damian and I have not been able to have children like we have hoped so we have not really thought of ourselves as needing to have family home evening since most of the thoughts, ideas, lessons etc are geared towards families with kids. However, now that Damian and I fully understand that we are also a family unit we want to try and hold our own but like I said we don't know where to start. I have been trying to come up with improvised lessons by taking a topic out of the scriptures but while this helps us with our scripture study that gets old after awhile. Anyone have any ideas for lessons, etc or on just how to hold a Family Home Evening without kids in the house please let me know I would love any ideas or suggestions. Also I love Damian dearly but he gets bored easily when we try and read the scriptures together out loud this is partly due to the fact that he doesn't feel comfortable with his reading ability although I don't care all I care about is that he is reading them. I really want to start scripture study with him I feel that could really bring us together but I don't know how to go about it without feeling as if I'm dragging him along. He does read them by himself but he struggles when it comes to anything being read outloud. Any ideas?

My "Date" with my husband

Last night Damian and I tried a new idea that I had thought of...we shut off our computers and electronics including our phone and we sat down together over some totino's pizza and watched tv together for a few hours. The original plan was to find a movie we both wanted to watch but we found some tv shows we watched instead. Overall, the "date" went okay we were able to spend some quality time together which was important but it was a little awkward I must admit. Damian and I have both been guilty of living in separate worlds lately him back in the back room playing with his computers and electronics and me playing on my laptop. However, at least we both see the need to reconnect once in awhile so although last night was a little rough we decided to keep going and keep trying to "date" each other again even if we can't afford to go out. I don't think it matters where you go or what you do so long as you make time for each other and make each other a priority. I think next week will get easier as we learn to rediscover each other again and learn to turn off our electrical toys for awhile and learn to talk and connect again. I think if we keep this up we will be back in balance where we can better balance our needs for our own space and needs for some time together as a couple.

Damian's Family Reunion Part 1

Damian and I are back from his family reunion we got back on Sunday actually but our internet was down for a couple of days. So much stuff happened that I have decided to break the posts up and the second one will include pictures hopefully fingers crossed. Damian and I left on Friday evening and we rode in his brother, Shawn and his wife, Danielle's van. It was an interesting ride to say the least as we got lost but we got there. Dani and I figured it would be easier if we unpacked the van and let the guys set up two tents that sounds unfair but they actually got them set up fairly quickly. Once they were set up Dani had me walk with her to the bathroom one last time that night and then we parted ways and went into our tents (we had adjoining camping spots) and we went to sleep. I have not camped in a LONG time and was not used to getting woken up by the sun. Damian woke up shortly after I did and we went outside and just sat enjoying the beautiful morning for awhile. Dani and Shawn woke up and then we just bsed and Damian and I got to know two of Damian's relatives cousins of his mom's, Jerry and his wife Joyce who were camping in an rv in a spot next to Shawn and Dani. Then after awhile we got breakfast going, Shawn, Dani, Damian, Mom, Dad, Aunt Joy and I all contributed and we had a feast I'm not kidding. There were pancakes, eggs, sausage, hashbrowns and juice. Then after clean up more relatives began arriving and we just had fun visiting before the potluck later on and I got to pig out on more food. Then more laughter and visiting then we had a family aution to make some money for next years reunion which will more than likely be held in Ferndale, WA. The aution was a HUGE success and now that I know that homemade baked goods sell well next year I plan on contributing some. Then FINALLY late into the night we went to bed and then the next morning we ALL ( like 19 or so of us) met at this cute little cafe to have breakfast before taking off. We literally almost filled the place but the portions were HUGE and the food was really really good. Then we gave our hugs and our good byes and we all went our separate ways. The ride home was interesting to say the least but we made it home and Damian and I agreed that we really had a great time his family is very friendly and caring and they don't judge, they also don't compete with each other about who's kids are doing better than who's they really are just content being together. We agreed that we need to come every year if we can and also that we now have more family to add to our Christmas list.

Mourning the loss of a faithful feline companion

Damian and I this afternoon had to say good bye to a faithful friend and companion for over 6 years, Callie one of our 3 cats passed away this afternoon. She had gotten a really bad bacterial infection and just as she seemed to be doing well she started losing weight and energy and her spunk we took her in to the vet but there wasn't anything to be done. She died this afternoon in Damian's arms and will be buried up at my grandma's house tomorrow afternoon. Damian and I already feel the void in our family she wasn't known to be a lap cat but she was always at our feet or somewhere nearby rubbing up against us with her very long beautiful fur. She was a sweet cat but also kept her independence but yet somehow she was in tune with me and my anxiety attacks sticking to me like glue whenever I had one and in her own way letting me know I was going to be okay and that she still loved me no matter what the situation was. I know Callie is in kitty heaven an angel like her has got to be I'm sad about her not being with us but I also can look back on 6 wonderful years with her in our lives and I'm thankful for every one of them in her own way she was a very special, very loving cat.

Finally let the cat out of the bag and learned a few things in the process

Saturday night Damian and I went over to his mom and dad's for dinner along with his Aunt Joy and his brother Shawn and Shawn's wife Dani their roommate was there too so it was pretty cool. Mom and Dad have a small trailer though but somehow we all fit which was amazing in and of itself....the reason we all got together was to plan our meals for the reunion. I had been hesitant to relenquish any control over that but by the end of the night I was glad I had. I now have to only buy a few items from the store instead of a whole bunch so I'm glad I got rid of my pride a little. I'm also glad I found the courage to really be honest about what has been happening with Damian and what his dr's appt was really going to be about. I was expecting a fallout but his folks and Aunt were really calm about which was surprising to me. I am just relieved there are no more secrets. I really don't believe in keeping anything from family. Also I learned a few things just by talking to his Aunt Joy....she and I haven't seen eye to eye and that has been a struggle for me it has also been a struggle for me that somehow Heavenly Father wanted her to be my visiting teacher I didn't understand why until last night. Damian and I have been struggling to make ends meet things have been extremely tight we have help with food but not with basics like toliet paper and stuff. Well, we were out and trying to figure out what to do when we found a whole bunch of that on our front porch. I saw Billie Sue my other visiting teacher's car pull away but I wondered how she knew until Joy told me she told her and it was a joint effort. I was moved by that simple act especially since Joy in the past has said a lot of unkind things to me and about me regarding my place in the family. I also learned that her long lost daughter (her kids blamed her for her divorce from their dad and didn't want anything to do with her) is coming for a visit and wants to make amends and that moved Joy more than I had ever seen her she is so happy and emotional and excited. Then something hit me I realized I had played a part in my bad relations with Joy I had judged her and her bristly exterior at face value and hadn't bothered to try and understand what was underneath. Underneath was a soft hearted caring soul who had been so hurt by her children's snub that she tried to pretend she didn't care by being so hard and sometimes bristly and curt.....I learned a lession Saturday night a couple of them 1) don't judge a book by it's cover take a peek inside you just might be pleasantly surprised 2) be kind and loving to everyone even if they have been snide and rude to you it just might be someone's defensive mechnanism and 3) Heavenly Father has a rhyme and reason for everything even when we don't know what it is. Also Damian and I learned that night that his sister Angela and her husband Randall who have been on an adoption waiting list for over 3 years now have finally consented to be foster parents so way to go for them I'm happy for them and can't wait to hear updates....Heavenly Father sure does work in mysterious ways and I'm glad I finally have fully reached a point where I trust completely and am no longer going to question anything he says or does he can make more out of my life than I can I just make a mess of it all.