My Battle Cry

I got a quiet day at home without Damian here and along with some soul searching I listened to some very inspirational and motivational songs. I realized that I'm in a battle here I will need to fight for what I want I will need to keep going no matter what life will throw my way. I also realized no one can fight this one for me I need to do it all alone. I also know that I will probably get beaten down again along the way and I will need to keep going. I found my battle cry today well two of them actually. Eye of the Tiger an 80's song from Rocky but hey you can't beat the words and the beat will get you all pumped up if nothing else. I also really love How Bad do you want it by Tim McGraw. Anyway, I just wanted to share with you my songs maybe you could find your own that will get you pumped up and get you back out there ready to face the world another day lol.

Time to get off my butt

I've been doing a lot of contemplating about where I want my life to go because this is NOT what I envisioned somewhere I got off course. I panicked and instead of getting back up and getting back on course I just kept going. Lately as I've been soul searching and figuring out my life and what I really want and listening once again to my heart I'm starting to feel some of my passion for life come back. I'm starting to feel that it's time for me to get up off my big butt and do something instead of whining about where things went wrong. I know what I want I just have to fight to get it I have to fight to get back on course and do what I was put here on Earth to do. I started to get back on track but then I got scared and quit I can't quit on myself. I'm realizing that living my life in fear is not a way to live I'm missing so many wonderful things and so many experiences and opportunities by sitting here scared about everything. I'm starting to understand that I am stronger than I realize and that I need to prove that to myself and that I need to move on and stop living in the past and start living in the present. I need to embrace my God given talents and embrace life. I need to stand up for myself and fight for what I want and that when that happens I just might surprise myself and I might find that amazing things will begin to happen.

Thank you

I have been blessed with amazing friends who have loved me and tried to be there for me even when I was stubborn and wouldn't listen. I don't always appreciate all that you do but I realized that and I plan on fixing it. I can't rewind time but I can start now to appreciate all the love I have been given and all that has been so unselfishly done for me. Thank you and I love you.

Patient

I've always struggled to be patient I have never liked waiting for anything. I just want everything to happen right away. However, I have been schooled in patience and I'm learning although it's a stretch. I'm learning to be patient with my all the children in my life and not hurry them. I'm learning to drink in the small quiet moments and to really relax. I'm learning to understand that not everything will happen when I think it should and I am learning with everything that Heavenly Father is in control and that he does have a plan for us. I have been so impatient trying to get Damian help and trying to help us get into an all around better living situation. We always have just spun our wheels but now everything is moving so fast. It's crazy and I can see now why we had to be patient and wait for a little while. I was ready for Damian to get help but he wasn't, he wasn't ready to accept it but now he is. That's making a HUGE difference in his recovery and in his fight. Heavenly Father had to gently teach me that while I can stand beside him and cheer him on and be with him that this is HIS battle to fight NOT mine. I can't do it for him. Now that Damian has been making strides to try and battle and fight things have been falling into place as they need to. He is not only working with a wonderful medical doctor who will help him take care of his physical health and his body, but he also has a wonderful therapist who will help him straighten out his mental health so he can have a fully functioning life where he is not spiraling out of control every 6 months. In addition to this he is working in full cooperation with the Division of Vocational Rehabilitation they are assisting him in obtaining and keeping employment. That will not only be HUGE for us in the way of financial freedom but Damian will experience a sense of pride from earning a paycheck every month. I love mom and dad Impett but the worst thing they did for their son was immediately put him on SSI once he graduated from High School. I know they meant well and had the best of intentions based on his autism and other developmental delays and they wanted to make sure he had some way of being able to have some money but before they rushed out and did that I wished they could have done their homework about what was available. He has had to bust through that barrier because he has to understand he is intelligent, he is capable and he can learn to provide for himself and his family. He really has struggled with self-worth issues but I know once he can learn to depend on himself that will help so much. Again I have to be patient it will take time and the help of trained professionals but I know he can do it and I know we can get there.

Thank goodness for small miracles

Damian got the best news this morning his counselor called the one that he thought he couldn't see until September well she had a cancellation and can see him this morning. Thank goodness for that. Damian has his worst cycles as the summer progresses and we both were dreading have to wait another summer out. I honestly don't know if I could have handled another one and I know he couldn't have. I really feel this was the result of many answered prayers thank you so much for keeping us all in your prayers and your thoughts as Damian struggles to get all this under control so he can feel better and have a much fuller life.

A New Way of looking at Candles

Tonight I went to a Partylite party for a friend I even agreed to book a party to help her out. I thought that was all I was doing was helping a friend out well my outlook changed. I have never been a candle fanatic at all but tonight I got a new outlook. I learned they have some cool looking holders that would hold tea lights or votives and that those candles would be best for how I burn candles which is just once in awhile not so much for smell that's secondary but for ambiance and romance. I also learned they too have a warmer and wax that is similar to Scentsy but unlike Wal-mart I know I can trust Partylite's reputation I have used and burned their stuff before and have been very pleased. I have a party on July 10th and I have a Partylite consultant I am happy about that. I also plan on kissing Scentsy good-bye so that works out. I am covered all I need is a Pampered Chef lady and life is good lol.

My journey has come full circle

I started off 10 years ago full of hope that soon I would have children and our family would be complete. It didn't pan out that way and soon I became angry, desperate, bitter, hurt you name it I felt it. It hurt worse when well meaning people all said the wrong things meaning well but they still hurt still the same. Then a few years ago with the help of my dear sister and family and my dearest friends and a licensed therapist my feelings were validated and healing could begin. I was told it was a grieving process like anything else and that I had that right to grieve but then I had to move on that being bitter and angry wouldn't help it wouldn't change anything and poof I would have a baby. So I gave myself that right and I did grieve and cry and get it all out but what moved that along was the first pregnancy my dear little sister had. I love her so much and I was so happy for her she even was so great to me so loving and considerate of my feelings. She involved me in everything but still she let me cry a little when I did not taking it personal. I assured her I was happy for her and I was so so much but that I had to let this pain out too. She somehow understood although she hadn't gone through what I had. The birth of my niece Lexus was a new beginning for me for the first time I could truly be happy for the birth of a baby and that sweet girl along with her sister and my nephew Gaige have been therapy for my soul. I love being their auntie they can't replace my own but they have helped me heal because I can be happy for them and rejoice and love them with all my heart there is no bitterness no anger no pain and no frustration. I still am planning for my future but it's one where I am open to loving children that were not born to me. We are moving in that direction but it will take some time and I am willing to wait. I have had support and love all this way and I am finishing my journey although it's hard to do what I am needing to do. I write that is what I do and I am working on a story that talks about infertility and the emotions involved with it not to be negative but to get all those feelings out and validate them so others can understand and maybe some will be able to relate. I also created a face book support group for others like me and their families and loved ones who support them. I feel proud that I am ready to fully give my love and support to other women and help uplift them. Many years ago I was a part of a "support" group via yahoo groups and that group was depressing and instead of building me up it tore me down. Now that I am not so angry I can see where the good Lord has helped me along he gave me wonderful loving friends and family who have stood by me through my ups and downs and who have been empathetic without being patronizing or downplaying what I have felt. Thank you all for that I love you so much.

God give me the strength to do this

It's going to be a long road until September. I am really trying hard not to be negative but it's really hard when you can see the light at the end of the tunnel but you can't reach it yet and it always seems to be darkest right before you get there. Damian is cycling really bad again and along with it comes venom and things I know he says that he doesn't mean but it still hurts. It even hurts when he acts as if he doesn't even want me in the same room with him much less in the same house and in a marriage. I am trying to wait it out I am trying to be patient but to tell you the truth I don't know how much more of this I can take. The only thing keeping me here right now to be totally honest is because I believe in marriage and in an eternal marriage that we solemnized in the temple and the commitments and covenants that we made not only with each other but with Heavenly Father. I keep my promises I just hope that my determination and love will be enough until he can start reaching back. I know deep down he loves me I know it's the bi-polar talking I know it's all the anger and hurt and pain inside talking but that still doesn't make any of this easier. I'm really trying hard to not sound selfish it's just really hard to hang in there when your spouse pushes you away from them. I just pray hard that love is enough and that we can make it through all this together and intact and that we can beat the odds because honestly the odds are stacked against us.

Monkey Brains

I haven't posted any recipes in awhile although I have done at least three good ones since the last post that's okay though I just got busy with life and all that goes with it. Here's a good and easy one although we had it for desert it's good any time of the day if done the night before it can be used for breakfast.

Monkey Brains( aka Homemade Cinnamon Pull Aparts)
FYI This was made using a Bundt cake pan which was great because I didn't have any spillover in my oven you can use an angel food cake or tube pan but I would strongly suggest having a cookie sheet with raised sides underneath even when it sits out over night to rise if you don't want a sticky mess all over including inside your oven. Okay that being said now on to the recipe.
1 package of frozen yeast rolls (I used Rhodes)
3 oz. butterscotch pudding (not instant)
1 c. brown sugar
1 tsp. cinnamon
1/2 c. butter, melted
Place frozen rolls evenly around a Large bundt or tube pan. Mix dry pudding, brown sugar and cinnamon. Sprinkle evenly over rolls. Drizzle melted butter over all. Let rise overnight (6-8 hours). Do not cover!!! When dough has thawed and risen until double bake at 350 for 30 minutes. Let cool in pan 5 minutes before turning out on a serving plate. Cool and slice or pull apart to serve warm.

Everything is falling into place

This is a follow up from my last posting after Damian had his DVR appointment. They are able to help him find employment and will give him a bus pass voucher every month to assist him in doing so. They also are going to set him up with pre vocational training and a job mentoring program which will be huge for him as he gets ready to take these steps. He will be working with them in the following weeks to get that all set up. I am so amazed at how quickly this is all falling into place and the love that Heavenly Father shows us in this journey. It's all happening fast so we have to just hang on but at the same time it's not chaos it's all under control Damian is being helped and helped quickly which is what he needs. Bi-polar like so many things is worse the longer it goes unchecked but now we are getting to where we need to be. Our goals are to have enough income to take care of our needs and buy a car and along with that get into a better living situation so we can foster adopt children. We still have steps we have to take to get there but I can see where we are being led and moved in that direction and that excites me so much. We feel like we are getting so much closer to our goals and ultimately to making our dream of having a baby or toddler of our own a reality and that is a good feeling. It's been hard to be patient as Heavenly Father has been lining all this up for us but now things are rolling and before we know it we will be able to be parents. We have needed this time to learn though and I am glad to say that our nieces were a huge part of that process we have been hands on in their lives and we know how to feed, hold, and change babies but in addition to that we know how to give them the love and patience they will need. We have learned to slow down and take the time to be with them and listen to what is going on and to really pay attention to them and to get on the floor and play with them. That has been important especially for me I tend to get impatient and having little three year old Lexus around has taught me to slow down and how to really listen to her and be there for her. Sometimes it is hard to believe that we are actually this close but we still have to wait patiently because we aren't there yet. We still have to get some steady income and a better place before we can even begin the foster adopting process but I have waited this long I can wait some more.

Now we are getting somewhere

Damian had a doctor's appointment today and we got some good news he has found a great doctor. He talked with him about his bi-polar disorder and was able to do for him what we haven't been able to, he was able to make him a referral for a therapist that accepts his medical AND can prescribe him meds. Granted we have to wait until Sep if there is not an opening but that's okay now that I think about it we have waited this long what's a few months. Meanwhile, he is also going to test Damian for diabetes since it is in his family and get his cholesterol under control. He also said that if Damian cycles really bad he can help with that. It's nice to have a dr that actually is about giving him good care and not just into taking the state's money and not doing crap. I really can see now how things are starting to really come together for us. He also has an appointment with his DVR counselor and that will be huge for us as well. They can help him find a job and that along with his bi-polar being controlled will help us so much. We will be able to get our legs under us and be able to finally add to our family.

I haven't forgotten

Today is my dad's birthday I am well aware of this fact I am also aware that the second of this month was the 20th anniversary of his death. I haven't forgotten just because I no longer live in mourning I can't he was a good man and he is part of me in fact I have more of him in me and in my personality than my mom so I can't forget. This is the first June where I haven't fallen apart in grief thinking of what I have lost. Just because I haven't doesn't mean that he hasn't lived on in my heart and in my memory but I can't linger on it. I have to live my life and be a part of the living I'm not trying to sound rude it's just the way that it is. My dad was full of laughter and life and honestly I think that's the way he would want me to be and to do. He would want me to laugh, and love and be happy and live my life to the fullest. I still miss him everyday and wish that things had been different but they aren't and nothing can change that fact no amount of wishing will bring him back so I have to make the best of what I have until we can be together again. In fact because I lost my dad I am a HUGE advocate for Damian spending as much one on one time with his dad as he can. I told dad when he thanked me that it was my pleasure I would in fact trade in all my earthly possessions and chew off limbs if I could have a day one one one with my dad but as I can't I have to move on the best I can. He understood what I meant that we have to make the most of every moment we do have and he is so appreciative that I allow him to have a relationship with his son. As a tribute though and to show that I haven't forgotten him I want to now include some videos of songs that every time they play make me think of him.

We have a date

Thanks to mom and dad Impett for inspiring this idea and to my sister for supporting it Damian and I ORIGINALLY planned on renewing our vows and celebrating our 11th anniversary in beautiful sunny Hawaii and although we plan to go it won't be for that. Embedded in my mind was the image of Mom and Dad Impett and Shawn their faces falling when they wanted to celebrate with us and they realized they wouldn't be able to afford to join us. That got me thinking about what is important yes going to Hawaii would be extremely romantic but a union should be something to celebrate with our loved ones. We have decided June 25th 2011 we are going to have a vow renewal ceremony in the Spokane area I have a few ideas of places so I need to make some phone calls. We are thinking a Yokes 1/4 sheet cake because it will just be a few of our closest friends and relatives, a dear friend is taking pictures and we will celebrate the night with dancing and music. We are really excited about this we fought really hard to make it especially since we ALMOST didn't we came within a few short days of filing for divorce once that had been done we would have been finished. We have done everything in our power since to remember and celebrate each other and our love for each other. We want our loved ones to share this with us and celebrate our anniversary with us. I've got some stuff to do especially since June is wedding season anyway but what we have planned is extremely simple, low key and doable. A rented suit, nice outfit, simple ceremony that reaffirms our love and life together, a grocery store cake, friend to take the pictures and friends and family to celebrate with. We will probably get a DJ though since we are planning it for outside and they are experienced enough to know what they are doing.

What goes around comes around

Recently I have been accused of everything from being passive aggressive to not making time in my life for family to not taking the time to call and chat. You know what that's fine you can think that if you like I can't change anyone's mind but what I can do is tell you I am not passive aggressive I have learned to speak up clearly for what is important to me and I have learned to stand up for myself. I do make time to love and take care of my friends and family ask them all sometime how I balance between them all and still manage to give them all I have to give. I also make time to call and chat but at the same time friendships and family relationships go both ways. Recognition goes both ways I will acknowledge you and your existence if you make time to acknowledge and care about mine it really is as simple as that. What especially hurts is that I have been accused of not acknowledging an upcoming family member's birthday and it isn't even here yet but yet when mine passed they nor their spouse could be bothered to call me, text me or even send me a short face book note. I don't ask for a lot but don't expect me to acknowledge and celebrate your birth and existence on this planet if you won't do the same for me. All my life I killed myself trying to make others happy and to try and get people to love me but I've had enough. I am still a loving and giving person but that means that I also have to stand up for myself and my right to love myself as well. You can't yo yo in and out of my life and expect it to be fine. You can't expect me to drop everything for you if you won't do the same for me. You can't expect me to call you all the time if you won't bother to pick up the phone to call me. I have loved ones who give me that same courtesy and respect and kindness and those are the people that I make time for and spend my energy on if that is passive aggressive or selfish than fine but I don't think so. I just now have been getting my severe anxiety under control I do not need to take steps backward and give myself another mental breakdown because I decided to let everyone walk all over me and treat me with disrespect yet expect me to drop everything to come running to them. No I will not do that to myself again.

We have a plan

This time around as Damian has been cycling we have been noticing some key differences he is still cycling with a vengeance but he is not withdrawing into himself which has worried me. I think we found some key differences the first being all the love and support he is getting now that has made such a difference. He knows that myself and my good friend Barb have been researching the internet looking for things that can help him and she even went as far as to get more help from someone who had overcome bi-polar himself. He was on an online radio show she listens to promoting a book he wrote telling about his experiences and she was typing questions to him as fast as she could so he could answer them. She then called and told Damian everything she had found out. I printed off a list of things he can do along with vitamins to help. Damian is starting to see how hard everyone is fighting for him and the rest now has got to be up to him. We are going to create a three ring binder where he can list his vitamins and medications and the dosages and frequencies, along with how much exercise and sun he gets along with his sleep and weight. He is also going to jot down and describe the best he can what he sees and thinks when his mind is racing. All this sounds like a lot and it is but believe me it is not trivial according to what we have been researching all these pieces of the puzzle come together to get Damian the right combination of treatment that he will need. He was having a hard time telling me what he was seeing and thinking because he can't understand them himself so I got him to understand today that all he has to do is record them and we will find him a therapist who can help him do the rest. He isn't expected to have all the answers he just has to want help and cooperate and that I think helped ease the pressure he has felt to know everything. We also have a medical doctor's appt for him we are still looking for a good therapist with expertise in mental illness that accepts his medical coupons but we will keep praying and keep searching. My grandmother has been beside my grandfather all these years that he has battled his bi-polar and I have watched her she has taught me that's what marriage means. She hasn't given up on her husband and I'm not going to quit and give up on mine. We are going to get through this, we made a big step by finding him a doctor now we just have to find a therapist.