Just something I have to say and get off my chest

What I wish to say about my struggle with infertility

I have struggled with infertility for many many years now and I have recently tried to really not let bitterness and frustration eat at me I can't do anything about it right now so I try really really hard not to think about it. I try really really hard to count my blessings and focus on other things but sometimes I do still feel the pain of it and I need to express that somehow I need to express how I feel. Some of this is addressing things that have come up in particular some misunderstandings that people have had and held and some are just frustrations in general so I can get them out and move forward again so I don't let things build up and eat at me.

1. This is not a curse or a punishment that God is giving me for something for some reason these things just happen and me having more faith will not fix it.
2. Do not assume just because I don't have children that I don't want them for some this may be the case but in mine this has been the greatest ache my heart has known. By the same token I know sometimes its uncomfortable for those with children to know what to do or what to say and I know you think you are helping but don't say you know how I feel if you don't. Please don't give me comfort by saying in the eternities etc. I know you are trying to help but if you want to help be there and just listen and help me feel like I'm still a whole woman. By the same token don't shun me or make me feel like less of a woman for not having a child just be my friend and care about who I am as a person not determine my worth based on ability to have children.
3. By the same token please don't assume that I don't understand your world at all granted I haven't had the demands of motherhood placed on me but that shouldn't deter a friendship I can understand that your little ones demand a lot of your time and resources and I can support that and respect that. I also get peeved when people assume that just because I don't have children of my own that I do not understand children. I do not have any living in my home but I am observant and I do know the basics of growth stages etc. I don't know everything about kids but I'm not stupid either I can be a capable and loving care giver for your child.
4. Don't assume that just because I reach out and love your children that I am so desperate that I would take them from you or steal them. I love children but if they are yours then they are yours I would never think about hurting another woman by taking away her child. I care about kids and love them and I care enough about them to try and be the best babysitter or care giver that I can be. I try to take an interest and care about where they are in their growth and their lives. I try and talk to them and listen to them and interact one on one. I would do all in my power to protect them but this shouldn't make me a monster or a threat if anything you would think this would help someone feel better about leaving a child in my care for awhile.
5. My infertility is not contagious or infectious sometimes I feel like I'm shunned like I have leprosy or something. I don't know if that's because people feel uncomfortable or if they don't know what to say please don't worry my ability to carry on a conversation has not been affected by my inability to have kids.

Oh and one other point just because I have not had any kids of my own doesn't mean that I am not happy when someone I know and love has one or is about to add for their family know that I am happy for you from the bottom of my heart.

I hope I haven't offended anyone that I have shared this with if I have I'm sorry but this is truly how I feel and I had to get it out somehow and this is the safest way that I know. I basically do better with it than I have in years past mainly because I have let myself go through the grieving process and have let myself come to terms with this and accept that I can't change it right now. Without getting into too many graphic details I have a very severe case of Poly cystic Ovarian Syndrome basically what that means is that my hormone levels are very screwed up and male hormones are more dominant than female which brings me to another point this does not make me a male or anything similar I am all female I just have screwed up hormones. This also means that large cysts are blocking up my ovaries and that is preventing me from being able to have kids that's basically a very simple explanation but it is a bit more complicated than that. I have thought of surgery or other options so please don't suggest those but in my case I got checked out in the ER one time when a cyst burst and in my case many of them are large and that would not be a healthy or safe option for me. I am hoping that with better health and less weight that I will be able to help myself get healthier and help this condition but if a pregnancy occurs it will be a miracle literally. I pray for that but we are pursuing other options. Infertility treatments are expensive I don't have that kind of money to vest into something that may or may not work I also don't have the emotional stamina for such a roller coaster. Where it stands right now basically is that yes I would absolutely love to have children any way that God sees fit to send them to me but I try to count my blessings and focus on other good things in the meanwhile. I am not asking for anyone's pity I am just trying to help someone understand where I'm at and where I'm coming from. Oh and if in the past I was pre occupied with this and with children etc it was not meant to alarm anyone I just was still trying to work through all the emotions that come when you love children so much and have a strong maternal instinct but you haven't been able to act on that. I have sorted it all out now and while the desire is still there I won't do anything desperate I promise.

Inspired

I got to see a pretty good movie the other night it was called The Iron Lady about Margaret Thatcher. It didn't inspire me in the way that you may be thinking I wasn't inspired by her strength I wasn't inspired by the fact that she dared to change things and make her mark in the world I was inspired by her love story with her husband. She was unique she wasn't content in the kitchen being a housewife she wanted to make her mark in the world and her husband was not only happy being there by her side but he was a staunch supporter of her. That struck a chord with me and helped me remember why I fell in love with my husband in December of 1999. I wasn't arm candy either and I had never really felt all that special or beautiful not until Damian took me in his arms and changed all that. He helped me feel beautiful and special he loved my ideas and intelligent mind. He didn't seek to change anything about me. As the years passed we had challenges and struggles and sometimes we both haven't handled them as well as we should but that is part of our love story and growing process too. However, after last night I was reminded of why I love the man I do and why I love him with all of my heart and soul and why no matter what we go through we will go through it together. I also learned my biggest mistake was losing touch of why we fell in love in amongst all the normal every day frustrations. It is easy to do it happens but I'm grateful I was able to get back in touch with why I fell for my husband in the first place. It's quite simple Damian hears me and understands me and what I need sometimes he doesn't respond the way I would like him to but then he surprises me in a wonderful way and all is alright again. I had contemplated myself without him recently as we hit a rough patch but we promised we would never ever again separate or hurt one another without praying about it and taking time to dig down deep and try to imagine ourselves without the other. We both can't do that so we won't be apart. We will be a force to be reckoned with if we can just stop getting in our own way because we have a unique love story (few understand it or bother to understand it) but it's very strong no one will be able to break us up if we don't allow them to. 

Keeping an open heart and how far I've come

I never would have believed you if you had told me a year ago or even two years ago that a Mother's Day would come and I wouldn't be hiding in bed or wallowing in self pity. Well, its here and I'm not in bed nor am I wallowing. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I have some wonderful people in my life who have helped me realize that I can't change this right now and til I can wallowing and being bitter was causing me all kinds of problems and it wasn't doing any good and it definitely wasn't productive. I didn't realize how far I had come though til last night when I was trying to reach out to some women on my support group who still haven't grasped that concept. I did my best to comfort and reassure them then I left it be I know better than anyone that you can't force someone to move along further than they want to. I feel for them because I have been there and the world seems to be lonelier and darker when you can't see the blessings you do have but you focus on what you don't. However, I also know they have to realize that on their own. It just helped me to see where I had been and where I am now and wow what a difference. It's still a hard day I can't pretend it's not or that I don't feel a little twinge of something that I can't describe to someone that doesn't know where I'm at in my life but I also am not trying to focus on that feeling too much. Instead I'm trying to count my blessings and focus on what the good Lord has given and I'm trying to keep an open heart. One thing I have realized is that to be the person that I want to be.....to be the aunt I want to be I have to keep an open heart and a loving heart. I can not allow anything to deliberately distract me from giving 100% of me to those precious little ones that call me Aunt Amanda and if I was wallowing or being bitter I wouldn't be able to be there for them the way that I want to be. I really credit these little people and their parents for their love, support and understanding for a big part of my transformation not because I am using them as a replacement but because they give me something to focus my energy and love on. I have chosen to hone my skills and prepare for what the Lord may have in store for me by being a support for my siblings who have children and by giving these children all I have. I am hands on, I take an interest in them, I pray for them, I love them, I care what they are doing and how they are doing and what their interests are and more importantly I would protect these children doing whatever would be necessary. I try to be their mentor, role model and friend and I proudly wear the title of Aunt. I don't intend to change the way I do things even if I was blessed with a child or children because in exchange for my efforts I have a wonderful, special, unique relationship with every single one of them and their smiles, hugs, kisses and confidences mean the world to me and they brighten my world and my life. I still desire to be a mother someday but meanwhile I think I still have a lot to be extremely happy about and grateful for.