Finally we are getting somewhere

Thank goodness we are finally getting somewhere with all this chaos. Damian finally has a dr's appt set up for September 9th I am going to go with him and in the meanwhile I am going to write down everything that has been happening and when it has been happening. We need to make sure that he gets diagnosed this time....in the past he was told his mood swings are nothing I'm sorry they are not nothing if you don't agree try living with him for awhile. Things are calmer now that he hasn't had as much caffiene but he will go through some withdrawls but I think he understands it's for his own good so he hasn't fought me as much as I thought he would. Also we have all the details worked out so we are going to be able to go to Damian's family reunion...maybe I'll test something new and try and put some pictures up from that adventure. Damian's family does drive me up the wall some times as does my own but overall though they really came through for us in helping us to be able to go so I'm thankful for that. I'm getting excited I haven't camped in like 8 years and I love camping so that part will be the best for me I think I don't really know too many of his extended family but I guess it will be a good time to get to know them.

It's been an okay week!!

This week was a little better as far as mood swings goes Damian's mood stayed pretty good all week long...however, because it did he didn't feel the need to call a doctor so that frustrated me he was starting to sink again though so that kinda told him I hope to call one on Monday. We need to get him treated as soon as we can.....he doesn't feel like going to church or really being social with too many people nor does he want me to leave him and all this isolation is driving me bonkers. I know that his treatment won't cure his mental illness but it should calm things down a bit so it's not so extreme. On another note Damian's brother and his wife offered to help us get down to his side's family reunion near Moses Lake the first weekend in September if we can iron out all the details that should be really fun this will be the first year that Damian and I could possibly be able to attend. I'll have to bring my camera for sure. Sometimes I find myself slipping into my normal anxiety patterns and my paranoia but I have also had to step it up and try to learn to pull it all together and this week has had low points with that and high ones thankfully I think I'm learning to cope and learning to help myself deal with it and learn to not take the actions of other people so personally. I'm slowly learning that just because someone may do something that doesn't have any bearing on me as an individual....it's hard being the people pleaser I am to break some of these habits and tendencies but it's coming along and so overall I would say it is has been a good week.

I hope I have the energy for all this

It's only been two days or so and I am physically and emotionally drained but still I am resolved to see him through this and love and be there for him even at his low points. Today was another nightmare he had another manic outburst where he did and said things he didn't mean and I was literally just about at my wits end I didn't know what to do also he was insisting he didn't need treatment the problem was me yada yada yada I used to take it personal but today was a little easier it helps to try and place myself in his shoes and also know that he is not lashing out at me personally he would have lashed out at anyone or anything for that matter. On the plus side he did calm down rationally enough for awhile that he traded with his friend some computer parts for a decent laptop it isn't blazing fast but it's decent and works for me. Then I did check my email and got some unexpected help from a dear friend of mine who has and is bipolar and he gave me some valuable tips on things I can try to stabilize Damian's moods until we can get him into a doctor and also he gave me the name of the doc that really helped him so we don't know if he is still practicing or not but it's something to go on which was more than I had before also after comparing Damian's symptoms with the classic symptoms of autism and also bipolar it is very possible that Damian was misdiagnosed because he has more of the bipolar symptoms and also some of those symptoms are very similar....I wouldn't be surprised because he was diagnosed when they didn't know as much about Bipolar disorders. Then tonight was a sudden setback he was doing better most of the day but then tonight I was laying down trying to get some sleep when I hear crying and wailing coming out of the living room. It was Damian and he had hit his low point of the episode where all he wanted to do was cry and all I could do was try my best to comfort him. I hope he gets an appointment for treatment soon I don't think either one of us can take much more of this. God please give me the strength and energy and love and patience to get through this because I never realized how draining it all is emotionally and physically and it has only been a couple of days. I'm not meaning to moan and complain but all my feelings have to go somewhere so why not here....I love him dearly though again I just pray that is enough and even right now when he is in a place in his mind where I can't reach him I pray he knows I do and that I'm here and that I'm with him I sure hope so.

A Lot on my Mind

First of I would like to say that if I have offended anyone or hurt anyone's feelings lately I'm sorry I haven't been myself and I have been more snappy than usual. I have been really concerned about Damian, he hasn't been himself for the last couple of weeks stupid me I thought he would snap out of it after spending time with his dad and also being at our family reunion those have really cheered him up in the past but no this time it is something more than just the blues so I'm really worried about him. Today he went nuts and it scared the crap out of me...he has never acted that way before first he was fine then he was totally out of control angry I mean it was nuts then after awhile he was depressed all within a matter of a few hours. Also along with it because I must admit that I wasn't the most patient with him during his angry outburst so I added some fuel to the fire..I didn't mean to but I am human I was trying to make up to him and hold him but every time I tried to approach him to touch him he screamed at me to get away from him but it wasn't in a mean or angry tone it was in a scared tone one I had never heard before....later on after all that he told me that he also had thoughts just racing through his mind so fast he didn't know what to do and that bothers him because his brain is wired to only handle one thought or task at a time. I took a bi polar symptom test with him and he told me all the answers and according to that he just might be which would make sense because his sister has it and from what I understand it can be genetic. I am no doc though but he wants to print it out so he can use it to help describe his symptoms to his doc and hopefully we can get him some help. Yes it scared me but it also scared him it is not in his nature to have all this going on he is usually very loving and sweet and very caring and protective of me so meanwhile if I am short tempered or distracted please don't take it personal I am just very worried about the LOVE of my LIFE and pray he will be OK and that he will be able to get the help that he needs so that way he can get his moods stable and be able to hold a job and be able to love me again the way that he used to....thank goodness for the promptings of the spirit yet again I almost threw in the towel and took the mean words he said to me at face value and almost left him now I realize he didn't even realize all he had done or said to me he has no clue he can't remember anything he said or did during that whole episode it's as if his mind drew a blank...I am determined though to not give up on him, I was not alone during my nervous breakdowns and mental health issues so I'm not going to leave him to be especially as he is going through treatment for whatever it is bipolar or not besides being around people with bipolar doesn't bother me I have gotten used to it a member of my family has it and you just roll with it some times are good and some aren't so good and sometimes they will say or do things that are hurtful but they don't realize it they aren't themselves for awhile but then they calm down again. Besides I made marriage vows and promised him that I would be beside him for better or for worse and in sickness and in health so I can't back down from that I made those promises basically in front of God in His house so I can't back out now...I guess this is one of those times that really tests a marriage and a relationship I just hope God gives me enough strength love and patience to be able to handle it and not lose it with him which unfortunately is still my knee jerk reaction and that we can make it through this together. I love him enough and I know he still loves me and they say that love is a strong force let's just hope it is strong enough

Family Reunion

The last couple of days Damian and I have been up at my grandma's house for a family reunion....it has been a mixture of highs and lows overall as could be expected when a family gets together but overall I think it had a lot of high points. Damian and all the guys went and played paintball and when they came home had to compare all their welts. I got to meet my cousin Adri's husband (well, he will be in a week) and we had a bridal shower for her....I got to see my cutie pattootie niece Lexus and she is growing so fast she is working on walking and she can say some words now so that is really great. She was the charmer of the reunion I think but I just might be a little biased. She does know and recognize her auntie...grinning at me and blowing me kisses and she was actually really good during some of the activities that went on after her bedtime. My family FINALLY won the game of Family Newsletter jeopardy thanks in part to my mom actually rereading all the family newsletters for the last two years. We also got to learn a little about some family geneology and about some of our returned missionaries missions and just got to feel the spirit with my family. Sometimes they drive me up the wall and sometimes I want to strangle them but at the same time I love them and miss seeing them and enjoy their company when I see them. I think that is how it is in a lot of families. Last night Lexus did something really neat...James and Gwynne (her parents) were telling me that at home they have pictures up of my dad (Lexus' grandpa) and Lexus sometimes will stare and point at that picture and babble a little at it. I didn't believe it but last night I saw it...she was fixated on it until I moved her to sit by me so she wasn't stepped on. That was really neat to witness...I honestly feel that Lexus knows who her grandpa is and that he got to be with her and hold her before he sent her down to us. I also got a chance to really think about some things and about what is really important and what doesn't really matter all that much and I'm even more determined than I was before to get back into the temple with my husband and really strive toward having an eternal family with my husband. I can't sit on the fence about some things I have to make a stand one way or another and I think I know which way I am going to go now.

Get to see the Blue Angels without the crowds

Damian and I have heard a constant buzzing of aircraft literally over our heads which can only mean one thing the Airforce Base down the highway from us is practicing for Skyfest this weekend. I don't mind I'm getting used to it...and this year the Blue Angels are here and that's really cool...technically the show is Saturday but for those of us lucky enough to live on the flight path we get to see them practice as they fly over our heads quite literally it's really cool. Saturday I will also get to see them perform at my in laws house because they literally will fly close enough for us to see them from the ground on their way to Fairchild Airforce Base and we get to enjoy some yummy steaks my father in law will cook on his grill. Yes, I know we will be missing out on some of the ground stuff but we also won't miss the crowds and as long as i get to see the Blue Angels fly I'm good. Sometimes I love living in Airway Heights.

Thank goodness for father in laws

I noticed about a week or so ago that my driver's side rear tire was completely flat so of course I was really bummed about it. I told my husband and asked him to talk to his dad about it...I love my father in law he is an amazing guy and he knows a lot about cars but of course Damian didn't listen. Well, anyway when Dad came by to pick Damian up for the campout he noticed it so this afternoon he helped Damian get the tire off the car and they took that tire and the flat spare (yes I know not very useful) to Les Schwab to see if they could be fixed but they couldn't. I was so down but then dad who again is a car genius noticed that the tire size on Damian's old Oldsmobile was the same although the wheel size wasn't so they are going to somehow swap it out although I don't know how they tried to explain it to me but it went over my head but all i know is that i will have inflated tires again. I am really thankful for my father-in-law he is a good person and a good man. He loves his family and is there for all of us equally...it's nice especially since my own father passed away that he treats me like a daughter he doesn't treat me any differently just because I'm not a biological daughter. I feel much better knowing that Dad is there to look after me especially in the car department...he's also a great guy to get advice from...he's not real talkative but every so often i can get him talking and he has a lot of valuable things to say and what he has to say is all that much more important because he just doesn't run his mouth. I respect him a lot and am thankful for him. I must admit though he kinda intimidated me at first and I didn't think he liked me because he was so quiet at first but Damian later told me that Dad was just sizing me up and getting comfortable with my being around now he's awesome we joke and talk and stuff like that it's pretty neat. I still miss my own dad of course but life is a lot easier with my awesome car genius father in law to come to the rescue every so often

Sending my husband off on a campout

This afternoon my husband grabbed his sleeping bag, pillows and he can't forget his pop, chips, dip, baking potatoes and two large steaks weighing in at about three quarters of a pound a piece. I waved to him as he loaded all this into his dad's truck so they could head off to his house and meet up with Damian's brother. Yep, today is the day of the annual Impett men campout...it was supposed to happen in May but had to rescheduled so Damian's dad scheduled two nights starting tonight and lasting until Tuesday morning. I know little about what happens on these campouts....Damian is sworn to secrecy kinda a what happens on the campout stays between them kinda deal. i do know that the steak and potato dinner is a tradition and in that family the size of the steak matters...one year being new to this I bought normal sized steaks and Damian didn't hear the end of it from his dad and brother so every year I get him his big steaks, potatoes and snacks and pop and kiss him good bye and send him off on his merry way. I have no idea what happens on such outings and even after all these years of marriage I still miss him but I won't dream of not letting him go because I do know that when Damian comes home he is happy and cheerful and that tells me that he had a great time. Also it is a time where the guys can bond together and spend some alone time and I know from losing my dad when I was young how important those times are. I have learned to use this time to have some alone time as well...some time to relax and watch a chic flick or do whatever I want as well. I have also found that during these times I can recharge my batteries and when Damian does come home I once again have enough energy to give him all the love and devotion that he needs.