Her Birthday tonight

Lexus with frosting all over her face. She looked too cute for me to resist.
Now that she is three she was able to blow out her own candle. We all were so proud of her.
Kaylee playing with her tigger.
I caught them mid clap they were celebrating something Lexus learned to do.
Lexus modeling for me her new Tinkerbell scooter and bike helmet.
Lexus with Great Grandma and "Papa"
Mom and daughter sharing a moment together Gwynne was trying to teach how how to play Wii bowling.
Kaylee and Mom having a moment together playing.
A rare shot with Kaylee where she was not screaming or fussing.
Lexus playing with her doodler.

Lexus is three today

My oldest niece is three today it seems like yesterday that sweet little girl was born. I remember all that so vividly I was there during the pregnancy and the preparations for her arrival. She heard my voice I felt her squirming and kicking inside her mom. That little booger decided to play with us so we even had a few trips to the hospital but the day she decided to come she came fast only 7 hours after my sister was induced. I was right there no more than an hour after her birth and I was so enthralled by her and her trust in me. She loved me right away and I loved her too, all the aches over not having my own baby faded away just like that. She was an angel right from her birth and she and I have formed a bond that no one else could share or take from us. Today when I talked to her I was so happy that she was able to say that she loved me too. That little girl was meant to be in our family she is so loving, gentle and kind. She freely smiles and laughs and gives of her loves and kisses. She is learning how to be gentle and loving and to say she is sorry when she hurts someone she even gives kisses when she accidentally gives someone a "boo boo". She is a big help when it comes to her little sister and she loves to make Kaylee giggle and smile. I couldn't imagine my life without little Lexus in it. I am so proud to be her Auntie nothing is better than hearing her little voice talk to me or her hand in mine or feeling her hugs and butterfly like kisses. She was sent here in our family for a reason and she has done more for me than she can ever know. I love that little girl so much I would do anything for her to help keep her safe. It's been a pleasure and a privilege to be her Auntie and to watch her grow up. I wanted to share some pictures of her but I haven't downloaded any recently into my computer however instead I wanted as a sort of tribute for her and to celebrate her birth share a couple of videos. Lexus and I have sort of our songs the first being Return to Pooh Corner I had that on my cell phone and when she was 9 months old I was babysitting her and I would play that for her before nap time. Fitting since her whole room at that time was decorated with Pooh stuff the other one is from Tarzan You'll be in my heart. That little one weaseled her way into my heart and she hasn't stopped since. I have to be fair I don't have favorites but she and I are so close it's not even funny and it's a bond we will always have. She will always be in my heart and I will always love her.

An almost completed story

I'm so proud of myself I have for the first time in several years have an almost completed story. I just have to wrap up a few loose ends and then it is done. It is a story about a deep and profound friendship based mostly upon the deep feelings I have for every single one of my friends and how I know they feel for me. It's a comforting feeling to know that whatever life throws at us you will still have a friend or two there and waiting to help lift you up. It's too long to post on here it's several pages long but I would be happy to send e-mail attachments to those who are interested. Just FYI though I don't have Microsoft word so I had to use open office which is a free download similar to Microsoft word so if you have to download that to read it I'm sorry but like I said it is free so it shouldn't be a big deal. I feel so happy to know that I am writing again and that I am able to write a complete story. It feels good to also know that my writing is touching people like it has me. I'm so happy about that I love writing and I love to have people be touched by what I had to say. It's not a narcissistic thing it's just that when I write I put so much of my heart into it and it's nice to know that other people can feel that and can relate to what I had to say and my simple tales.

I've made a decision

It was not easy but I made my decision. Based on the facts I have to choose Gizmo she solidified it today when I came home. She cared that I was home when Nermal wouldn't give me the time of day and when I took a nap and I had slept too long Gizmo made sure to take care of me and wake me up. The clincher though was the fact that she is fully litter boxed trained and that is a HUGE thing. I also needed a cat that would let me just hold her and pick her up and that is Gizmo. I am going to start finding Nermal a good home I love her but she's just not cut out to be a therapy animal.

Torn

I really am torn about something right now I hate it when my heart is being ripped apart in different directions. It started out simply enough Damian's therapy cat ran off and we didn't know if he would be found so we got our neighbor's cat Gizmo who loves Damian and that was supposed to be his cat. Well, Gizmo had other ideas as anyone who has owned a cat knows you don't pick them they pick you. Well, that night it was obvious that Gizmo picked me which was great for Damian because Cloud his cat had been found safe and sound. Now, I can only have one therapy animal to take with me wherever I go as far as apartments go. It will be different from a service animal in that legally I can't take them with me everywhere which is perfect for a cat but I can have that animal with me in my living space even if they don't usually allow them. Here in lays the dilemma I already had a cat Nermal who has grown quite attached to me. She and Gizmo both have my heart and they both are fighting for position. I love different things about both of them Nermal I had since she was a baby and she and I have been through a lot these last two years she helped me through my really really bad anxiety attacks and she loves nothing more than to cuddle up with me in my lap all day. Gizmo is so fluffy and soft and she lets me just pick her up and cuddle her anytime. She also has grown protective of me she even "guards" me when I take a bath cuddling up right near the tub facing the door to make sure that all "intruders" including Damian stay out. It's really cute to watch and she takes quite good care of me. Now the cons, Nermal is still skiddish steming from her early days and she rarely lets me hold her and pick her up and she is temperamental if I leave for more than a short while she refuses to eat and she refuses to love me when I come home. That's a problem I can't just stay around the house all day for her sake I have to live my life. Gizmo doesn't mind but she also likes to terrorize the house but that's just because she is a baby. Gizmo is also properly litter box trained and Nermal is not although we have done our best she still likes to go wherever. I love Nermal and I am worried about her welfare but I am wondering about her ability to be a therapy cat. I'm not trying to be selfish but I do need one for my anxiety. I am doing better they are not as extreme as they have been I can leave my house say for example and not hyperventilate but I still need the comfort and purring of a cat. I need an animal that will allow me to leave the house and still be okay, that will let me handle them and can adjust to change and new situations, I need a cat that is properly litter box trained because one that is not can be a real problem in apartments that usually have a no pet policy. I will need to keep the litter and the apartment clean and free from animal urine and feces. I need a cat that isn't upset if they can't be on my lap and can be independent but is willing to love up on me too especially when they can sense my distress. I don't know what to do given that criteria Gizmo is the better fit but I can't turn my back on Nermal. I don't know what I'm going to do about this one please give me some input I don't want to penalize Nermal because I was the one that took her into this house and tried to give her a home.

Two stories at once

I used to focus writing one at a time I thought that was all I could handle but things changed. Last night while I was trying to relax in the bathtub I must have succeeded because once my mind was clear a story idea came at me with a vengeance. The idea was so strong that I couldn't ignore it so I started writing that one too. Now I have a romance I just started but that one does need to sit a little while while I let it figure out how it wants to be told and I have a friendship story going about a deep life long friendship between two women that stands the test of time and all that life has to throw at them. I called that one Heart to Heart Soul to Soul usually I don't title my stories until the end but this one came to me right away because my best friend and I have a friendship like that we are heart to heart soul to soul we seem to be so connected it's not even funny but at the same time that connection survived many many years of being apart. I am taking a small break from writing that story while I have one of my friends take a quick look at it and tell me what she thinks so far from a grammatical and storyline concept and then I'm going to be writing with a fury. This friendship story just wants to be told it keeps flowing out of me, out of my keys on the keyboard and onto the computer. It was no stretch at all to write my four pages already. This is so fun I enjoy writing so much and my mother in law wants to read more. She loves all that I have written to her even in letters she knows that is one of my gifts. I don't know if any of my stuff will ever get published so it can tell tales I wouldn't even know how to begin but I'm having a blast just writing for the fun of writing.

Being true to what I write

I have tried and failed various writing attempts among them a historical fiction novel. I thought it was going really well but when I reread it it sounded less like a story and more like a paper I would have written for school. Then last night as I was watching a movie with my mother in law and Aunt Joy Letters to Juliet I was inspired. I love romance and love always have and this means love in all it's forms. I think that is why I am not ashamed to tell everyone in my life that I love them because I do just in very different ways. This movie was a pure love story plain and simple it didn't have trash in it or sex or stripping of any clothes it was just about love and the heart. I was very inspired by that and that's when I realized something my genre may not be for everyone but I am a romance writer. I can somehow capture emotions of the heart and put them down in words so that's what I intend to do. I also along with that plan to write stories about deep friendships because those can greatly bless and enrich our lives too I know many of mine have. It took me some time and the courage to be true to myself but I now know what I am meant to write about and that is feelings and emotions of the heart. I think those are stories that need to be told it's easy to focus on gore and excitement but what about a simple story that just makes you sigh with happiness when you read it. Who has not been in love and remembers how that felt or who has not been blessed by the hand of a bosom buddy that would do anything for you and you for them?

Words to live by

I have been accused of being all kinds of things among them is a dreamer but is this really such a bad thing? I have all kinds of hopes and dreams and lofty things I want to do and I am not afraid to share those dreams and to have those dreams because you never know they may just come true one day. I have among my dreams an ideal hope that someday hatred will cease and love will prevail and I also dream that I will be able to find a balance and peace in my life and that my husband and I will be able to build a family we have always wanted. It will take time and work but I know my dreams can happen. I have found a way to make some of them happen and it involves thinking outside the box and maybe upsetting a few along the way but right now I have learned that for my dreams to come true along with some of Damian's that we will need to do what is right for us and what is right for us may not be what anyone else may want for us but that's just the way it is. I love Martina McBride her music is powerful, uplifting and has a good message in it always and I really love this song I heard it a few years ago and it really does contain some good words to live by and I try and live my life this way. It's not a crime to march to the beat of your own drummer sometimes and do things that may be hard to do or may seem pointless but are worth doing.

We turned a corner

This morning I was woken up at about 8:30 by my husband freaking out calling frantically for his cat Cloud. Let me explain why this upset him Cloud is his therapy animal he is the only cat we have had that understands our need to be loved and cuddled by him. He also does not allow himself to be ignored so this is perfect when Damian falls into his depressions and doesn't even want to get out of bed. Cloud makes him because he will not allow himself to not be petted or taken care of. We knew what happened we have a window missing until our landlord aka slumlord can get it replaced and while we have plastic up to cover the opening we had a wind storm last night and it got loose and out Cloud went. We frantically looked for him and Damian about lost it he looked like a lunatic out there. While I want him to get help I do not want the police involved because then he would not have a choice of a hospital and chances are it would be Eastern and that is NOT a hospital for him to be in Sacred Heart is the better choice. I urged him to go in the house and I would look for him that didn't work so with the help of our next door neighbors they helped us duct tape the window and she has a soft spot for strays so they have 5 cats right now well one of them Gizmo Gizzy for short fell in love with Damian so they let us have her. Not even a few minutes later we found Cloud under the trailer so we let them know and told them they could have her back if they wanted but they said to go ahead and keep her so we will. I learned a few things today, one I was about ready to put Damian in the hospital I even had Dad on standby just in case so I know I have the strength to do it if we needed to and second Damian was on the verge of losing it completely but he pulled it together enough and when he did that's when Cloud came out of hiding because we had called for him under the house. Damian pulling it together tells me a couple of things one he has the mental strength to battle this with help of course and two that he can wait until he can get into a dr next month. We also learned that Spokane Mental Health is useless so don't even bother.

Musings from a wife dealing with her husband's Bipolar

First off if you don't want to deal with anything unpleasant or real then stop reading now and secondly this doesn't replace my prior post. Damian still remains the love of my life and he has the potential to be a wonderful husband. Unfortunately, right now Bipolar disorder also rears it's ugly head. I just need to get this stuff off my chest because unless you have had to deal with it it's something that you can't understand. Bipolar disorder is a mental disorder where you can cycle between feelings of euphoria or manic and depressed or you can just experience one or the other. You can experience a long time between episodes and you can cycle rather quickly. It is treatable with medication but it will always exist and it unfortunately can break up marriages especially if it is not properly treated. Damian has had bipolar for a long time and it sounds quite severe he goes through both mania and deep depression during his cycles and he cycles quite rapidly for awhile a long while several months and then he is good again for several months. We have known for a couple of years now and I have been a strong advocate to get him help. He needs it I am worried about losing my husband and our marriage. His family is supportive now that mom has learned that severe bipolar disorder does run in her family and she doesn't want to lose her son. Damian however has resisted and I don't know what to do about that. I don't like the idea of making him do anything against his will but at the same time I have to weigh that against what is good for him. These cycles beat him up emotionally and physically he gets exhausted. I am considering that if he can't get into a medical doctor next month to help him really start getting it under control I may have to hospitalize him until he can get things under control. When his mind is clear he is loving, considerate and gentle but when his mind is racing he is irritable, gets frustrated easily, gets angry and pushes everyone away from him. He has also had feelings that scare me they are so dark in nature. I keep trying to hang on to our marriage and to him until he can start holding on too. I love him and that should show it if I didn't love him I would have let it go long ago. I just keep praying that he will understand that this is a bigger battle than he can fight himself and that he needs help. I keep praying that I don't have to hospitalize him especially against his will but it is getting to that point quickly. I also keep praying that our marriage can survive and we can heal from this and the wounds from words said but not meant. Most of all I need some love and support keep us both in all your prayers.

Once in a lifetime

I am going to share something that I don't share much and that is my deepest feelings about my husband. I don't share them with many because I feel they are sacred, I love him so much that I don't feel the need to broadcast it with the world but those who have seen us know it. I want to start back before I met my dear husband back in high school because that's a good way to get some background. I was surrounded by good friends male and female but I still struggled with self worth and wondering if I was pretty enough. I knew that I didn't have a tiny little body and I knew I didn't have the prettiest face in the world and back then I thought that's all that guys cared about and what mattered. I became desperate wondering if anyone could ever love me because I didn't get to date much and it scared me I didn't want to be alone I had a big heart of love to share and I wanted to share it. Fast forward to November of 1999 when I met Damian Grant Impett. He was the last guy I would have thought twice about he wasn't the suave, good looking type who oozed charm. Something told me to dance with him that night and I did and when I did I was glad he was nice and sweet and put me right at ease. I felt like I had known him forever instead of having just met him. He hugged me and I was startled but his hug was too nice to get mad at him. He told me later that he felt the urge to hug me he sensed that I needed it. From that night on I have adored his hugs his hugs feel like a cozy blanket wrapped around you. We talked and laughed and his sense of humor and wit was right in league with mine it was awesome we matched each other perfectly. I didn't know then that night would begin the first chapter in our almost 11 year love story. We have been through it all with each other learning and loving as we go. We even had chapters of hurt, pain and sorrow saying things that we now regret but we have learned to forgive and move forward loving each other more for growing together. He has shown me that he loves me as I am he doesn't need a super model. He compliments me still and that makes me feel good that after all these years he still wants me beside him and no one else. He has learned that I will stand beside him and support him and be in his corner no matter what. I still to this day remain his advocate for his autism and his bipolar issues and helping to get him to get the help that he needs to get. I wouldn't trade what we have for anything. Our love grows deeper and stronger and I think that's because what we have is real...it's not the happy fairy tale it's raw, and real. Some chapters have been happy, some have been sad, some have been full of anger but we have learned to share them all together and to learn from our mistakes so we don't hurt each other. We have learned to pull together and remain united no matter what life throws at us and believe me we have been thrown some real doozies so far and I know we are not done yet. Damian is the man who has my heart and I know that I have his and we are guardians of that. I have always had trust issues I couldn't ever imagine trusting anyone as much as I do him. He has always been able to assure me that he will be there and he is a big guy with a big belly but trust me he is also strong. I know that I am safe in his strong arms and that is where I intend to stay. We found this song awhile back and it sums up our love story pretty well and what we have gone through.

Finally a true Spokanite

I have lived in Spokane my whole life all 30 years but there have been some things that I have never done or seen. Tonight I got to experience one of them I went to my first Torchlight Parade. I got to go mainly because my husband and father in law were volunteering to help out with communications with their ham radios as part of their ARES( Amateur Radio Emergency Service) group and mom wanted to go so I went to keep her company. I had seen it on TV and thought it was no biggie but seeing it live was AWESOME!!!!! I had a great time and mom did too so much so that we are planning ahead for next year. I can now say officially that I am a true Spokanite. I was also very proud and pleased with the respect and support that the people around us gave to the military men and women in the parade. Many times we all stood up and gave salutes or rounds of applause to show them we appreciated what they do for us. We especially made sure that the older vets from WW II and Korea and Vietnam knew this was touching because they know they are dying off and those wars are fading into distant history. We wanted them to know they had not been forgotten.

At Peace

For the last 9 or so years I have struggled with Mother's Day I have hated it and been bitter and angry over my circumstances because I felt powerless to change them. What I have realized since then is that while I don't have the ability to change my circumstances I can and have chosen my reaction and attitude. I realized I'm not physically a mother right now but I have to have faith in the Lord and his plan for my life and his timing. He has blessed me with beautiful nieces and nephew. Lexus and Kaylee are the sunshine in my life because my sister has chosen to share them with me the most. I have helped care for them and cuddle them and play with them. Lexus especially has a sunny personality and her hugs, kisses and smile have reached the dark places in my heart. I have seen her big eyes look at me full of trust and love and have seen her so happy because I am willing to talk with her and play with her. Kaylee has learned how to smile and laugh how could I be sad listening to a baby's laughter. I have learned from my beautiful nieces that while I don't have my own children I can still be a mentor and a loving role model in their lives. I am at peace this year I am prepared to go to church tomorrow and celebrate motherhood and womanhood. This is a HUGE step in my healing as in year's passed I would spend the day in seclusion feeling sorry for myself. I am learning to wait and be patient as the Lord helps us prepare for foster children. I have learned to trust in his timing and his plans and not my own. I never could have imagined though how much I could love being an auntie and how much I could love my nieces and nephew. They are all so different and have different things to teach me. They have been a huge part of my growth and preparation to be a mother to my own children as I needed to learn what they had to teach me especially to be patient and to just enjoy the small things in life.

OVERTIME!!!!!!!!!!

Wow talk about getting busy at work really really fast. No sooner than I got my full 40 hours a week did I start getting overtime. I got 4 hours or so of overtime this week and I will be getting at least 5 more next week and that all goes onto my next paycheck. I am tired because I have to get up at 4 am so I can leave by 5 when my ride comes so we can be there before 6 when I work from 6 to 3:30. I am tired because I am working nine hour shifts on my feet all day but I can say that it is a good tired it is a tired that comes from earning an honest living and from working hard. I just have to get my feet to stop killing me by the end of the day does anyone have any ideas? I will take what I can get because in another month to a month in a half or so I will be off for the summer and I can use every penny that I can get. I really hope that I can be called back for fall season. I am improving as a packager but I literally am paired with someone who is a real sweetheart but she honestly screws up every job that she touches we have to spend up to an hour sometimes looking for mistakes because stuff is left over and when everything has been counted before you start that is not a good thing at all. I own up to my mistakes too but I know it's her because when she was gone for two days nothing was left over 99 percent of the time. It's frustrating because I am improving as a packager but she isn't and she doesn't seem to care at all and I don't want to be guilty by association just keep praying for me that they will know that I am a good hard worker who wants this and that they won't punish me for what she does.

My journey towards becoming a domestic diva

I don't like the terms people have come up for homemakers or housewives. I created my own I call myself a domestic diva that works even when I am working because I still need to help run my household when I come home. On my journey towards becoming a domestic diva I have been helped with wonderful tools the first being a used sewing machine which I currently don't know how to use but I am determined to learn how. The second being a collection of wonderful and very old cookbooks my grandmother used to feed her family of five children along with herself and my grandpa. I am so blessed to have these wonderful old cookbooks where everything including breads and cakes were made from scratch. I have been learning how to cook well and I have learned that in addition to having wonderful recipes you have to have the right equipment and from there you can create wonderful food for your family and friends to enjoy. My grandma gave me a bundt cake pan, a springform pan and an angel food cake pan and she asked me if I knew how to use them and I said nope but I will learn. I am determined to learn how to cook from scratch and make wonderful food. I am determined to learn basic sewing and blanket making and I also want to learn how to do other domestic tasks so I can be able to better take care of my family. This is my quest and I don't intend to fail.

Baked Sour Cream and Garlic Chicken

Tamy had an awesome idea to post recipes that I have made that turned out to be amazing so I plan on doing just that. Thanks Tamy!! I don't have pictures because the last time I made this recipe it was for my mother in law and I forgot my camera but trust me it looks and tastes amazing. I got this recipe back when I was a freshman in high school and we went back East to Boston this chicken dish was made for us the first night we arrived at my aunt's house.
Baked Sour Cream and Garlic Chicken
1 1/2 lbs-2lbs boneless skinless chicken breasts
8 oz. sour cream
2-3 cloves of garlic more if you really like garlic
seasoned Italian bread crumbs
butter about 1/2 a cube
Cut the chicken into 3-4 bites per piece. Marinate in the sour cream and garlic overnight or for a few hours. Melt the butter in the oven on a baking sheet. Coat the chicken in the breadcrumbs and place on the baking sheets. Bake for approximately 15 minutes at 375 degrees turn the pieces over and bake another 10-15 minutes until both sides are browned.