I'm being prepared

Damian and I can't help but feel so much love and gratitude in our hearts for our Heavenly Father he has done so much for us and now as we have been taking steps to improve our lives we feel deep inside us that one of our fondest dreams is about to be realized. We are being prepared at this moment at a faster pace than ever before to become adoptive foster parents Heavenly Father has been helping us move all the final ducks into place including myself. I thought I was always ready but to be honest it has been so long since it has just been Damian and I that I had some lingering doubts would I be able to handle it would I be a push over that kinda thing. That got answered the other night when I got the wonderful opportunity to babysit my nieces Lexus and Kaylee now anyone who knows me knows how much I love those girls that's not the issue it was how I handled myself that night. I was dealing with a teething baby and a three year old who didn't understand how come she wouldn't be spending that night with her mom, dad and nannie like she always had. In the past I would play with the girls assisting with some things like getting them dressed, diapers, etc but that night it was up to me to keep them busy and happy while dinner was being made thankfully Lexus wanted frozen waffles and sausage links which worked well and was easy to make but we did great. I also did lose it a little with Lexus forgetting at times that she is three, still learning her words and feelings and has a hard time expressing all that but I also stood firm when she had her tantrums. She had them ultimately because she missed her mommy and I was not upset with her about that I had to be firm because in turn she was being rude to me and that was not going to be tolerated. In the end she calmed down once she realized that I was not going to budge and we settled down to watch a Harry Potter movie until her bedtime. Bedtime taught me other lessons as well Kaylee was tired and had gone to sleep with little problems however Lexus is at an age now where she is suddenly scared of the dark and monsters. The lamp solves that problem but see daddy and mommy usually "kill" all her monsters for her and they weren't there neither was her nannie and that was hard for her. We settled her into bed with her hand made blanket from her nannie and her favorite stuffed frog named webly and we read stories and I soothed her promising her that she can trust me and that I would keep her safe from anything and that daddy and mommy and nannie had killed all the monsters but if I saw one trying to creep up the stairs I would kill it. Lexus believed me I could tell but she still was on the verge of tears so I asked her if she would feel better if I stayed beside her bed until she fell asleep knowing that she had never slept without any of them here before at night. She nodded so I held her hand until she rolled over then I rubbed her back and stroked her hair and finally she fell asleep. I realized that night something had changed our relationship will never be the same again but in a very profound way I was always the fun auntie and Lexus loved me very much but now she also knows I will have limits with her and that those will be enforced and she knows that she can trust me that I will never let anything harm her. That night has settled my fears I know being a mom especially a foster mom will bring on all kinds of challenges and I will not be perfect at it but I also know that I can achieve the right balance between fun, hard and soft knowing when to be fun knowing when to be firm and knowing when to be soft. I also know I am not alone I have loved ones, I have friends but most importantly I have a loving Heavenly Father who will guide me as I pray and turn to him for guidance in this adjustment from an occasional babysitter and auntie to mom especially a mom to children who have not had the easiest start in life. I know that no matter what comes my way that I can count on him to lead me and guide me and that if I listen to his counsel and Holy spirit that I will be able to navigate and help my family and help my children as they overcome their struggles and I will be able to help them know that no matter what may have happened in their past or even with their birth parents that I love them and that I will comfort and protect them and that sometimes that even means saying "no" and enforcing rules.

A testimony strengthened

This afternoon I have been listening to Christmas songs on youtube many are beautiful a few were fun but a few also gave me chills and goosebumps among them O Holy Night, For Unto Us a Child is born and Homeless from The Forgotten Carols. I realized there are many ways to have a testimony many of these composers such as Handel and Micheal McLean have chosen to compose their testimony and turn it into such beautiful inspiring music that makes your whole body shiver as there is not doubt in your heart and soul that there is a Messiah. I have always known but lately I have been struggling with our circumstances and because things haven't turned out yet the way I think they should but then I realized that this is part of the plan laid out for me and for Damian and that our plan is different than what may be planned for anyone else. I also have faith that everything I have gone through all the trials, pain, heartaches and triumphs have been for my benefit to make me a better person and also to help me help others. I have to keep having faith that he knows me personally and will guide me on the path I need to follow I don't need to listen to anyone else's voice but his. I also have a testimony that he loves us as we are it doesn't matter if we live in a homeless shelter or in a mansion he is our father and he loves us the same. This has been a big comfort lately for personal reasons. I know our prayers are answered and always heard and that he will never forsake us it's up to us to let him in to our lives and it's not him that forsakes us it's us that sometimes forsakes him. I'm going into this Christmas season with the right attitude that it's not about the gifts and lights and splendor it's about Jesus Christ and the gift he gave to all of us his life and his death and resurrection so we all can have hope and joy and peace.

Keep us in your prayers

Our long wait has come to an end just about Damian has been a DVR client for like a year by now I think and although the process has been slow we think it will be worth it. He has a meeting with his DVR counselor and a person from Goodwill Industries to discuss possible employment. This is the moment we have been waiting for and we could use any prayers for both of us or if you don't really pray then please send good thoughts and vibes our way. We are trying not to be too cocky but hopefully this is what we have been waiting for and this will be the start of many good things to come. Damian has been beginning to really grow as a person and starting to get over his phobias and fears about working his DVR counselor and other counselors and doctors have helped with that. I am really proud of him he acknowledges that he has work to do still but every step in the right direction is a positive step and he is realizing that it's better to walk forward than to take steps backward. This is just the beginning but we will take it and we will take what we can get.

Stand up and finish what you start

Last night I was watching The Biggest Loser like I always do on a Tuesday night when I noticed something that I haven't noticed before they had a sign on one of the walls in the gym with a quote on it from Bob one of the trainers that struck a chord with me. It just said "stand up and finish what you start" or something like that. I probably have seen it before as I have never missed a season but I think I'm at a different place in my life right now. I got to thinking about all that I have started like school but hadn't finished and that made me more determined to find a way to finish and make things happen instead of just waiting for things to happen. I need to keep fighting through that's the only way my life is going to get better and it's the only way all that I dream of can become a reality. Anyway, that was my motivational moment who knew t.v could have that kind of effect on someone.

Grateful

It's never too early to be grateful for anything and this year although it's been full of ups and downs I am so very very thankful for many things. My heart is full to nearly bursting with love and gratitude. I am so grateful to have my husband still here with me I shutter to think what could have been. I'm grateful to his medical doctor who has taken the situation seriously and in his wisdom has been guiding us so we can have a hand as well to improve his health and hopefully keep him around as long as possible. I'm grateful as well to his psychiatrist Dr. Kim she has been making such an impact in his life he still has a long long way to go in battling his bi-polar but she has been making such a difference already. He's a different man in wonderful ways as he goes further along on this journey with her help. I'm grateful for a warm home and plenty to eat as the weather turns I can't help but be thankful for a place to call home. I'm thankful for loving family and dear friends. This year especially my dearest friends have become as close to me as family and they are such a blessing in my life giving me their love, support and friendship making me laugh and also being there. It's been a pleasure to help them as well with various hardships and burdens as together we have been making each others burdens easier to carry. I'm also really grateful that I have been able to begin seriously losing weight and have found success as I have found inner peace and strength. It's slow and steady but I'm not in a sprint it's a marathon and I am grateful that I have learned to accept me and my life and love myself enough to want to shed the weight and all the burdens it represented.

Skinny Jeans

I am so excited after the shock of realizing that I had let myself get so large that I was wearing comfortably size 30W jeans I'm back down to size 26's and they are loose. That's right I nickname them my skinny jeans for now because it's been a long while since I could wear them without feeling like if I took a breath I would pop a button. It feels really good to be down a couple of sizes in a few months. My next goal is to rock size 24's again that's what I consistently wore in high school. I also am proud of me for another accomplishment I was a pop addict I really was but I have been doing really great lately at least for me. I have managed to make a 12 pack last 15 days so far!!! I'm so proud of myself but again what helped with that is a realization that I accidentally had replaced pop with food when I have been stressed. That being said I plan on implementing healthier options such as taking time with a book etc. I have been realizing that taking time for myself to do the things I enjoy is an important part of weight loss. It's not just about a fad diet or what you are eating or how much you exercise it's also about your emotional state and well being. It all comes together as part of a puzzle if you feel good about yourself and love yourself you will want to take better care of your body. My ultimate goal although it will take time to get there is 125 lbs which is pretty much right where I need to be for only being 5'4" tall and I plan on maintaining that weight and healthy life style. I'm well on my way feeling better about myself and celebrating the small victories along the way.

My writing

I've been so worried about Damian and other things lately that my writing has been placed on the back burner for awhile. I have hand written a story this summer I actually found I did write better that way and now I just need to take the time to transcribe it into my computer. I also have a few other ideas simmering away. I really have forgotten how much I used to love to write and maybe now that things have simmered down a little I can take some time and write. Anyway I just wanted to give a little update on how things are going and how my writing is going.

Life is good

My life is good right now it really is. I do really good with jobs where I'm on the phone and dealing with people that's my niche I've tried to do other jobs and they just weren't me. Imagine my luck when I got a part time job working with Chuck Bullock a Farmer's Insurance Agent located in the Spokane Valley doing just that. A few evenings a week it's my job to hunt down potential leads ask a few questions to try and get some information then try to set an appt. The best part is that I have had some success with a list that is total crap. Chuck says I"m doing great and after next week he will figure out a way to get me more hours. He thinks I'm a good fit for them and for his office that makes me feel good after feeling like a drone for so many years. I love it too I really do I don't even mind being hung up on because I"m getting paid to get hung up on so what's the big deal honestly. I do feel blessed right now to have found this job it sucks not to have anything and it's a job that can grow into more. I have heard him and Katie the office manager talk about cross training me into lead generation etc so that feels good to know that I am doing a good job. I just had to learn to relax but once I told Chuck my background he totally understood and now I know I can work hard still and I want to work hard for him he's a great guy and a great boss but at the same time I don't have to be so stiff and formal. I like that I'm not a formal kind of person.