Bye Bye Insomnia Hello Happy Pills

I thought I had gotten over my worst anxieties and fears after all the chest palpitations had all about stopped and the paranoid fears but no such luck. DVR is being a pain in the rear now because they can and Damian's off the schedule at Goodwill until DVR can discuss his future on the 15th of Feb. Talk about nerve racking we just got our bills caught up and we have a HUGE power bill still due yikes!!!! The insomnia, anxiety and fears that I had thought I had control over was back and with a vengeance. It took my awesome but persistent best friend to see what was really going on and she took matters into her own hands. She shared some of her over the counter "happy pills" with me that are similar to Zoloft and other medications like that. It's a herbal supplement called 5HTP and it's safe I did my research as long as I take only up to 100mg a day and I don't take anything similar to it along with it so no doubling up. I have been taking them almost a week now and I am feeling a HUGE difference. My circumstances are still the same but the way I handle it is different I'm not panicking I'm not freaking out I'm not stressing and despite my head cold I'm sleeping so I feel really great. This is the best that I have felt in a long long time I feel ready to conquer the world again lol and that's the most empowering feeling that now I'm in control of my feelings and fears I can do something about our situation.

Christmas

I know I know I'm behind but it's been crazy this year and now that things have died down a little I can catch up. We went simple this year for gifts for our family and dear friends I ended up making a majority of our presents and bought a few simple things. The holidays overall went well but let me back up step by step. Our Christmas festivities began the night of December 23rd when we had a small family Christmas party at Grandma and Grandpa Christensen's apartment. That gave us an opportunity to visit and exchange gifts as well as a chance for me to show the slide show that took the most out of me emotionally and physically the one I made for my dad. It was a hit Grandma, Grandpa and Auntie Jill who had come for Christmas enjoyed it a lot. I was going to play it again so my mom and sister didn't worry too much about having to chase kids instead lol. I am going to have the file e-mailed to many of you in the family so you can enjoy it too once I can get that fire lit under Damian to do it or when I figure out how whichever comes first. Then Damian and I stayed the night with my mom because early Christmas Eve we went over to Geoff and Amber's for brunch. We started that a couple of years ago and it has worked out really well they are more centrally located than mom is and they have a more open layout so it seems like they have a lot of room. We had a wonderful brunch and then exchanged simple gifts everything needs to be simple anyway and I got a chance after Gaige had gone to bed to share more slide shows. I showed the one I had made for Geoff and Amber starring their son they loved it a lot. I also showed the one for Dad and the one I had made with the three of us as siblings. They were all a hit which was a huge relief. I had really worried because my intentions had been good and it could have turned out really good or really bad. I had intended to help heal the wounds and I was grateful when that showed because I could have opened more. We then finished up the Christmas festivities with Christmas day at Damian's mom and dads. We got some really sweet gifts that were so simple I got an electronic picture key chain that holds 100 pics. I have it almost full with pictures of my nieces and nephews but they are all so cute that I can't choose between them. The best part is that since it hooks up to my computer as they grow and I get new ones I can replace them. It's an electronic brag book if you will. We also rounded out the day with the slide shows I had made for the Impett family as well as wonderful home made candy such as home made chocolate covered pretzels and other treats we weren't hungry lol. The slide show I made for Ella and for mom and dad Impett honoring their 37th wedding anniversary in October and their family as it grew was also well received which makes me happy. They were all hard work but I would have done them again in a second because it made my family all so happy. It was a good year and a good season. We finished it all off with a simple but fun New Year's Eve party with just us and our dear friends Bill and Chris. Now it's back to the same routine but that's why I'm glad the holidays only come once a year I couldn't handle all the overload if it came more often.

My Group

It's just been amazing what has happened in just a short time. I made two new friends with women I didn't even know this time last year all because of my group. It's been great to reach out to them and find common ground it's powerful to find someone anyone who understands you and where you are coming from. It's also been an eye opener for me as I have relived my journey with them to see how far I have come in just a short amount of time. It's been silly all the years I wasted being so down and bitter I could have already been a mom by now if I had just stopped being stubborn and stopped throwing my tantrums and been open to what Heavenly Father's plan was. It was silly all the years I wasted obsessing being angry and bitter over something I had no control over. It's felt amazing to share with them encouragement and support and reassure them that I was where they were and that they can find happiness and fulfillment too. It feels really great to be able to pay forward all the love, compassion, friendship and empathy I have been given over the years. I have given to these women but they have given to me too it's been a wonderful feeling to realize where I was and see where I am now and how much healing has taken place. I still have moments I won't lie but now I don't cringe when someone I love wants to share their good news with me instead I can rejoice with them. I don't dread going to a baby shower I have a really great time. Most important I don't dread the coming of Mother's Day and cower in bed with the covers over my head I'm not kidding instead I embrace it and celebrate the women I know who are moms. I don't cry so hard I can't breathe and throw a tantrum as I scream out "It's not fair!!" I know sometimes things don't seem fair but that I haven't been forsaken I have been given beautiful loving nieces and nephew that I love so much. I have been given the chance to help others and some day soon if things keep progressing I will be given the chance to hear what will be music to my ears my own kids calling me mommy. I am grateful for the challenges I have had to go through because now that they are over I can see my growth and see how I am a better person because of all this. I was not ready years ago emotionally to handle being a mother to children who need me to be there for them completely and go to bat for them. I had my own issues to sort out so I wouldn't pass them on to them which would have not been fair to them.