A weight has been lifted

I know I haven't posted in a few days I have been lost in my thoughts and sometimes in my anxiety. Thankfully though I can honestly say I have found a natural way to relax and just not freak out all the time....it's simple really. My cat Nermal is the answer she literally climbs up on my chest and lays down and purrs. I don't know what it is about that little purr but it is enough to calm me down. It's funny too since my chest is where my anxiety attacks start. My chest tightens and my heart pounds and then my whole body begins to tense up and then sometimes if it gets bad enough I hyperventilate until I can snap out of it. Somehow this little gray kitten knows when I need her and she is right there before the panic attack starts she has even taken a liking to sleeping right near my chest every night just in case. I haven't had an attack in a little while and it feels pretty nice although if I do have a bad one again I will get medical care I promise but right now seeing as I have no medical insurance and finding a clinic that will take you and your medical problems seriously is no easy task I can handle a free solution. Also in the back of my mind I have been hanging on to some lingering regrets and past doubts about some decisions I chose to make back when I was a senior in high school. Well, call me crazy if you want but I had a dream last night where I had gone back to that time and to the situations where I had dated these two particular guys again. Part of me had felt guilty for the breakups even though I know logically it takes two people to split up. Well, over the course of this dream as things played out where we broke up and life became as I know it now I woke up and realized that I was not responsible for one of the guys being a controlling guy who preys on women nor was I responsible for how the other guy's life turned out. The only thing I was guilty of was ensuring my future happiness which I wouldn't have had with either of them. I was in danger with one of them and had to leave that situation and with the other I wanted marriage and children well he didn't, he kept telling me that and to this day he is happy or says he is with not being tied down. I see now that if I had kept dating him over a long period of time we would have had the same result as we wanted two completely different things or if we had stayed together one of us would have eventually resented the other. So this morning I was able to breathe deeply as one more "skeleton" came out of my closet of the past and I am able to continue my slow path to healing. I do feel like another weight has been lifted off my chest and I do slowly feel like I'm getting somewhere. My few counseling sessions did help a lot and now it has been my job to learn to practice what I was taught and learn to take control of my life and that means coming to terms with the past and my past decisions. I have a ways to go I am no where near perfect but I am learning to be at peace with myself knowing that I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. My ultimate goal is to be able to look back on my life and not have regrets and just have peace with myself.