What really matters

Today put everything in perspective and I mean EVERYTHING every petty argument I have ever had with my spouse every annoying habit no longer matters. What could make me think that way well it's quite simple we got his lab results back and we braced ourselves for not good news but what we got was beyond bad it was downright scary. His cholesterol is extremely high paired with triglycerides in the range of 23,000 really really dangerously high and type 2 Diabetes on top of that really not good news. His doctor didn't beat around the bush at all Damian is in severe trouble had we not caught this now he would have had about a year of life left. That would put him at about 36 and me 31 way way too young. That is what has us both so freaked out and willing to do everything the doctor says to get his health back in check. He is on Metformin now and his doctor will be adding more medications as he gets acclimated to each one, he also has diabetes testing supplies and we will be implementing severe life style changes such as more exercise regularly and a diet that is healthy for us lower in fat, calories, sugar and simple carbohydrates. The good news is that we caught it in enough time that we can save him, we are in this together, he has already lost 23 lbs and he has Medicaid that covers all his necessary supplies and medications so we can keep him around a little longer. God willing a lot longer because I'm sorry this is something we can fix and I'm not ready to lose him yet I'm not going to go down without a fight. He has a lot to live for and a lot of people who love him. It just takes a moment though for all that is petty to no longer matter we are so grateful for all we have and for each other. He is the love of my life and I can't imagine waking up each day and not having him there. I'm learning to look the other way now when he annoys me and think what's worse that he leaves the dishes in the walking path instead of putting them in the sink or spending my day without hearing his voice, his laughter or feeling his arms around me. I think the second one so from now on the little things won't matter so much and I won't sweat the small stuff.

To Reach the Unreachable Star

In recent years I have listened to my heart and gut and know what I was put here on Earth to do and that is to work with little children and pursue Early Childhood education. That doesn't sound like a big deal just go back to school well there is the problem I burned some bridges when I was "discovering" myself and I owe student loans and I would have to pay for a quarter at Spokane Falls Community College where I would need to go to get my degree if I wanted to even get financial aid. The other option is to pay the tuition and fees myself which I could save up for eventually but that would take quite awhile. Then I happened upon the SNAP website which stands for Spokane Neighborhood Action Programs and I saw that they have a savings match program where I would need to save up to 2,000 dollars in a designated savings account, attend a financial management class run by SNAP, research my intended purchase in this case school (they also would allow you to save for a house or opening a business) and follow up regularly with a SNAP caseworker and keep steady employment for at least 6 months and they are willing to provide up to 4,000 dollars in funds in assistance. This program is intended to help encourage independence and I intend to make good use of it because I discovered something about myself my grades in school were great when it was something I cared about but when it involved math or science that's when my grades tanked. I was looking into the Early Childhood program and all the classes involved and they will all be really interesting. I am planning on trying really hard to get all I need together so I can be a full time student a year from now. I know that I will have to make that sacrifice for at least a year for a certificate or two for an A.A.S Degree I do not know until I contact the program head which will be best for me but it's something I am willing to do to reach my dream. I say sacrifice because unlike some other liberal arts programs it's not just three hours of class and then I'm done I'm going to have to add a whole ton of hours in an early childhood classroom by quarters end every quarter. Thank goodness they have a daycare on campus to help with that it will be worth it though I have been happiest when I have been working in a child care environment. I am so happy that there will be a way for me to do this and make this happen.

What love is capable of

Ella Gardner born October 31, 2008 she was due Feb 3, 2009 1lb 14 oz she was placed in the care of Angela and Randall Gardner by Thanksgiving she was so tiny they had to keep her in the hospital but with the loving devotion of her foster parents she thrived. Once Ella felt their love and felt their concern for her she fought and she grew and grew and grew.

Angela doing Kangaroo care with Ella they did that regularly so Ella could feel skin to skin contact and could feel secure and loved.



Ella now almost two years old on the day of her adoption September 13, 2010 big, strong, happy and thriving thanks to the constant love and nurture of her adoptive parents.


It's official Ella becomes Ella Paige Gardner daughter of Angela and Randall Gardner

Love is capable of so much and it is my belief that EVERY single child born needs to feel love and needs to have a family who loves them. I think it speaks volumes when someone can reach out to a child they didn't carry inside them and love them and help them thrive. Angela summed it up well when she told me that it wasn't an easy decision to decide to take in a daughter that was so small and in intensive care they didn't have any guarantees but that what they ultimately decided was that this little girl needed a mommy and daddy who loved her as long as they had her they would be that for her. Now that's love and that's inspiring to me as I am going on this journey to foster parenting and adoption myself that is an example I can follow.

Working as a team

I am so happy I feel like I have a brand new husband already and he hasn't even started any medications yet. For a long time I loved my husband but didn't feel like we were consistently a team he had his moments but he could also tend to be passive aggressive telling me what he thought I wanted to hear which was not always the best thing for us as a couple. Now the difference is amazing he is contributing more and we are discussing more and talking more. I am so proud of him for even going on his own to get his lab work done for his doctor so his medical doctor can assess him and help him. We know already though that he has some health issues that need to be addressed. He's also more affectionate and much much calmer he hasn't had to use his mad hat in a few days now and that is awesome. He's also improving when it comes to talking to me and communicating how he is thinking and feeling when before he would just get mad and storm off or completely shut down. I really think that him working with Kim has been amazing and he's just getting started it's going to be exciting to see how far he can come with some help. I know he can do so much and achieve a lot he just needed someone else besides me to help him unlock all that potential and to help him see it. I really am glad that I stuck it out now and gave him a chance I feel like he's got a new lease on life all he needed was a little help and honestly his parents did not help they didn't take the time to listen to their children they still don't so Damian was programmed to shut down and believe that his thoughts and feelings didn't matter. It's sad but it took him a long time to realize and understand that they do and that there are people who value him and his contributions and input. It's going to be fun for me to see him as he grows and progresses I truly believe that he can accomplish anything he sets his mind to and that with Kim's help he will grow as a person and want to achieve goals in his life.

FINALLY we are getting somewhere

Today was a monumental day for Damian and I well mostly for him but as anyone who is married knows that if your spouse is going through something you go through it too. Today was Damian's second appointment with Kim his mental health therapist and she actually addressed concerns we had with Damian getting easily agitated even at things that are beyond anyone's control and his sleep patterns or lack thereof. She also wants to put Damian on a medication here in the next month or so and see how he does. I like how she gave him coping mechanisms though and those along with his vitamin regimen and my insistence that he get some sun every day have helped ease the intensity of his episodes. She wants him to sleep no more than 9 hours a night and she wants to see him develop a consistent time to go to bed and time to wake up everyday. She also said that a nap is okay but that it can not be longer than 2 hours and that he has to be awake several hours before he can take one. This means I can wake him up if needed doctor's orders. She also told him that if he gets angry with someone that he needs to speak up kindly and communicate instead of lashing out with anger so that person knows he's upset and needs some time to calm down. When it's an inanimate object she wants him to step back and take a break but so everyone around him knows that so he can breathe she wants him to either tell them or put on a hat until he can calm down. The hat is basically just a symbol that he needs some time to chill out and gather his thoughts in privacy. We see some hope and are getting somewhere these coping mechanisms will no longer be needed once he learns how to calm down on his own but right now they will help him before he blows his top. He's learning also relaxation techniques and meditation and to channel his thoughts so they don't race ahead of him. She is confident that with continued sessions and the use of these techniques that the medication will be effective and Damian will be able to fully function. He's been really cooperative so that really helps she wasn't going to put him on meds yet but since he is working with DVR at the same time and they insist on him finding work ASAP she wants to put him on something to see if it will work and help so that way he won't blow his top at work again and go all the way back to square one just as he is beginning to make so much progress. He's doing really great but like she said it's hard to be patient but we need to be we need to remember it's a step at a time sometimes two it's going to take time to reprogram the way he thinks and how he copes and his behaviors he didn't learn them overnight and he won't be able to fix them over night.

Time with the girls

The last few days have been really busy but it's been worth it I have been spending time with my nieces Lexus and Kaylee. Monday was planned as Lexus was hurt that Uncle Damian couldn't come when I was there Friday night and Saturday so we had a family BBQ and Uncle Damian built block towers because Lexus is my special pal but no one can make a block tower like Uncle Damian or so she tells me. The PowerPoint we made of the girls set to the songs "In my daughter's eyes" and "Let them be little" was a hit Gwynne and James had fun remembering and the common question was was Lexus really that little and they even got a little misty eyed. I'm glad they liked it I want to put it on DVD for them to have forever. I also was needed to babysit the next couple of days for them so I volunteered so that has been great. Kaylee is starting to warm up to me so that's a plus too. Then Friday night I'm staying the night so I can attend Chad Noack's open house and then on Saturday it will be a bitter sweet day the bitter part is a funeral and the sweet part is a wedding reception. Lexus has been in hog heaven having me there she is loving it she even told me today that she loved me without being coaxed. She can be a handful at times but I wouldn't have it any other way she's my special pal too. I really love being her auntie. I also got to get a job soon and start saving because her mom and dad are thinking about a Disney vacation in a year or so and Lexus REALLY wanted me to go with them she was really upset when her daddy said no but her mommy said that I could go with them if I could pay my way. That will be perfect they could use help with the girls in such a large place and I always have loved Disney and have wanted to go and Damian doesn't want to so it's a win win as far as I'm concerned.

Thinking about weddings

All these weddings and engagements lately of people I know have gotten me reminiscing and thinking about my own was it really almost 10 and a half years ago on June 24th 2000? To me it seems like yesterday that I was a younger bride looking forward to the future panicking about the reception and feeling bitter sweet emotions packing up my childhood and saying good bye to my old familiar room. I still remember every detail about that day my favorite being Damian and I sitting in the Celestial Room of the Temple hand in hand waiting for the sealing to start. We talked in hushed tones of course about our future already making promises to each other to love and care for each other our entire lives. This was a big day and a big step to promise to love and care for a man for eternity but I wasn't scared or nervous I could look into his eyes and then look at the sealer and with peace of mind and all my heart say that I would. We have grown together and had our ups and downs but I do not regret my decision or the promises I made that we made. Our love has grown even as we have grown and matured and while I could nit pick even our separation it helped us grow together as a couple and helped us become stronger as a couple.I could also nit pick him and his annoying habits but I am just as annoying and I'm sure Damian could about me if he wanted to. I have learned something about love it's not purely physical, it is not just twitterpation it is steady, it is true it will grow and evolve with time it is not stagnant it can die or grow depending on the care it is given and it is joy when you are married to your best friend. I also learned that a wedding is great and it's exciting but what I did that was different was that while I planned a wedding and wanted the reception to go off without a hitch I also planned for a marriage. I prepared myself to trust my heart in the keeping of another for the rest of my life and to trust him completely and I also made sure he knew he could put his heart in my keeping and I would take care of it for him as well. I think that has made a difference everyone can have a wedding and have a party but having a marriage is something completely different and I would rather have a marriage. We have so much to learn still but I feel comfort knowing that we are learning together.

Walking down memory lane

I decided to play with power point for the first time and make a slide show of my nieces for James and Gwynne set to the music of Let Them Be Little by Lonestar and it was easy to do. I will need Damian's help with the music part and finishing it but creating the slides was fairly easy. It's amazing how much the girls have changed from babies into little girls especially Lexus. It was fun to do and fun to revisit those moments. I have really loved being their auntie those girls are amazing and it has been fun watching them grow and spending time with them. I am so glad that I was able to cast off my bitterness a few years ago and really throw my energy into being an auntie because it has been so worth it. Those girls have made me laugh and have filled me with so much joy. I also feel they have started to prepare me for my real life's work and they continue to teach me what I need to learn and grow so it's been really great.

What love can do

I have always been a strong advocate of love and kindness and I do firmly believe the old saying that you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. I have proven this time after time in my own life in my dealings with people but I have observed it even more lately with my husband. I assumed when we got married that he knew some key principles and things that he didn't. I never realized how damaged he was emotionally and how sensitive he can be because he hid it well. I have had to change tactics and focus on love and loving him and building him up and making sure he knows this love is unconditional. As a result of the love and nurturing he is receiving not only from me but from his support team, counselor and his DVR case worker he is growing so much and thriving. It's exciting to see him passionate about life again and throwing himself and his energy into building up himself and his well being and not being afraid to stand up for himself and what he wants. I am so proud of him and know he will do well if he can stay focused on those who love him and want to build him up and stay away from those who won't. I can see him standing firmly on his own two legs we found the problem in the past he would start to stand up and have the courage to go for what he wanted and to go for his dreams but then when he would start to do well but was still a little shaky he let nay sayers knock him back down again. This time he's learning that he doesn't have to listen to what others say he can follow his own voice and his own heart and that he has that right and that he is intelligent and capable of living his own life and following his dreams. I'm beginning to really see the fruit of my labors not to toot my own horn but it's taken a lot of time and love to help him and help him realize for himself what I have seen from the beginning. I am married to a wonderful, kind, sensitive, intelligent man who once he can get his self confidence and momentum going can be a force to be reckoned with.