Wondering

I've been doing a lot of wondering about all kinds of things lately. I am not really in a funk in fact I feel calm and at peace and I feel gratitude and peace in my heart but still I can't help but wonder about a few things and why some things are what they are so bear with me.
I wonder why some people are denied their heart's desire when someone else is given that same desire and they don't even want it so they stomp all over that chance when someone else would cherish that same opportunity.
I wonder why someone is given what they sincerely wish for when someone else who strongly wants the same thing is denied.
I wonder why sometimes it feels like one person gets all the lucky breaks and all the praise and love and others are left empty handed.
I wonder why sometimes it feels like some people have to scrap just to get by and fight to get what they want but someone else is just handed everything they have.
Just putting some stuff out there...I know life is not fair and I know that sometimes bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people so please don't go there. I am just putting this out there as some stuff that has been on my mind lately.

My Anthems

Everyone has experienced songs that have so much meaning to you and your life that you feel like they were written just for you well I have experienced this within the last few years and I wanted to share some of my favorites with you. These songs helped nurse me through pain and heartbreak until I got enough strength from them to stand up on my own two feet again. Another one is in dedication to my dear friends the ones I realized I had when times got hard. Thanks for being real true friends that I can count on. Enjoy!





this last video is pretty boring just a picture of the group because the music video for the song won't let me embed it into this blog but it's the song that is important so I hope you will forgive the crappy video.

Changes

Life is all about change and as much as I don't like to have things change that's the way it goes and I am trying my best to learn to accept it. Yesterday was a BIG change for us and our area and our ward...we split up into two wards Gieger Heights and West Terrace. I saw it coming and after yesterday when it was annouced that our ward had 670 members in it I knew it was a change for the better but it was still hard...this ward has been our best one yet everyone is so warm and welcoming and loving. It was hard to say good bye to friends that you may just now see in passing but at the same time it means the gospel is growing and the church is growing. By just the narrowest of margins we are in the same ward as Damian's aunt and his parents which is good for us right now since they provide us rides to church. We are right on the border between the wards. Other changes are taking place right now in my life some wonderful and some not so much but as a creature who resists change I'm doing my best to accept it and deal with it the best that I can.

She's Home!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so happy right now Christina is HOME...she pulled in last night and worked on cleaning out her truck. Sounds simple enough but I guess it wasn't...she told me it's amazing how much she crammed in her sleeping compartment because if you really think about it that was her living space for awhile. She has to drop off one last load and return the truck to the company she works for but then she will be done and she will be home. I am so thankful she is okay, home safe and sound and that she will be able to be with her kids I know how hard it has been for her to be away from them. She told me that she even had to go to Walmart and her youngest who is three his lip just quivered and it broke her heart and her 4 year old daughter just won't tear herself away from mom. I am glad I was able to help lift Christina's spirits enough so that she could finish out her last weeks of work on the road and focus enough on the job at hand so she could get home safely and finish what she had to do. I am glad she is going to be following her true calling of care giving and nursing...I don't think I know a kinder soul on this Earth than her she will be an excellent nurse. I am glad also that she will be able to be a mom again and her kids will be fine once they know mom isn't going back on the road. Her husband is but he has been a trucker their whole marriage he has been home because of illness and temporary disability and to be with the kids awhile but he wants to go back out. I am so proud of Christina I have known her since the fourth grade and she has always been a free spirit she has always been a nomad searching for something. We have been talking a lot about that lately and she agreed with me she realized while she had been on the road that she already has roots her kids. They ground her she still gets an itch to roam every now and then but she realized that she can't roam far. She is going to be doing caregiving through an agency so she will get enough variety to satisfy her itch for change and she can still be with them. Her husband is a good man he volunteered to help us with a pick up to make dump runs before we move..and he is pleased that Christina has a close friend who supports and cares for her. She is making a transitition right now and I can't be selfish she has to reassure her kids that everything is okay first but we do plan on getting together often even if it is at my house. Damian will watch the kids in another room and keep them entertained while we watch a movie of our own or even just talk. She needs that just as much as I do and she appreciates that I am giving her the room she needs to get settled, help her kids and eventually we hope to be able to actually leave the kids with Damian and be able to go out. Right now though it's enough to have her in the same state and time zone. I'm so glad she's back...we lost touch for many years but it's amazing to me how quick we got up to speed it's wonderful having a best friend again. Now all that's missing is to have Susan here in Spokane then I would have my two best best friends and everything would be good.

My niece is coming

My sister called me yesterday and Kaylee is on her way...my sister is only dilated to a one but that's something so something is starting to happen. I am excited to meet her and I wonder what her personality will be like. I do know that she will be different from her big sister and that will be okay. I can't wait to get to know her for her just like I am enjoying Lexus and her cousin Gaige. I do have to be honest though although I love them so so much they are sunlight in my life I have conflicting emotions. I don't like that just because I don't have kids right now and my two other siblings do that I am the "outsider" that really sucks and I don't like that I am made to sound like a witch for getting ticked because I am told something like 40 times in one conversation and when I politely say I heard you chill out the world falls off it's axis and I am the one to get yelled at. I love my siblings and their kids and I love my family but it's frustrating too all at the same time to feel like I can't do anything right and that my good intentions backfire. Oh, well can't do much about it and I definitely am not letting it damper my spirits that Kaylee will be here soon. I have no doubt that she too will be a wonderful addition to our family.

My Core Values

My friend Stephani has been asking for help in her quest for enlightenment and she asked nicely for people to share their core values with her. Well, as hard as it was to articulate how I truly feel I did somehow manage to do so and in so doing gave a voice to somethings that I just try and live. I decided I wanted to share them...you can feel free to give me your thoughts or opinions just keep in mind that while I respect those thoughts or opinons and comments that doing so won't change anything these are my core values and I am sticking to them. It took me nearly 30 years to reach a place where I am at peace with myself and my fellow man I am not doing anything to screw that up now.
1) We are not put here by accident or chance there is a plan and purpose for our lives no matter how long or short or how pain ridden or challenge ridden that life is it is all for a reason and a purpose although we may not know why right now and that's okay that's where faith comes in.
2) This also goes along with number 1..the people in our lives are also not by chance they are because we need them to help us in some way or for us to help them or even both. This goes for our families and also our friends...sometimes it's just for a short while and sometimes it's forever. I do believe also that in addition to the family relationship enduring that friendships can as well and that good friendships can do much to enrich our lives and can help us acheive what we were put here on Earth to achieve.
3) I believe that even though it will not be on our timing that the Lord hears us and will respond to our prayers he will not grant every request but when he says no or not right now it's not to be mean it's because he is a loving father. How would it be if you said yes to every one of your children's requests? He is the same sometimes it is better for us to hear no in the long run than to be given everything we think we want. Also sometimes he will give us something we don't think we want but it turns out to be so much more than we had originally thought we wanted.
4) I believe very strongly in miracles I have been a paricipant of them, and have also witnessed many and they are a product of faith and trust.
5) I belive that we will be asked to do more than sometimes what we think we can and that sometimes we will reach a breaking point but I also know that if we have enough faith and trust and do what we are asked to do that we will be just fine we will endure and our knowledge and faith will be so much stronger.
6) I believe that this life will bring heartache, sorrow and bitterness but along with the bitterness and pain there will be sweetness and there will be joy and love. We will be helped along our way and will not be left alone...along with this I believe that others are often prompted to reach out a helping hand by a loving father who knows what our needs are this again is why familes are so critical along with good friends and even the home teaching and visiting teaching program. We can be a lifeline to others as they can be one to us.
7) I believe that while it is important to study the gospel and read your scriptures and attend your meetings that none of this will do you much good if you turn away from someone in need...after all aren't we all in need of something at some point? I believe very much in the truth that the scriptures tell us that when we do it unto the least of these we do it unto the Lord and that in serving our fellow man we are serving our Lord but only when done with true love and patience with a humble heart. It will do little good to toot your own horn or make serving and acts of kindness and love into drudgery. Basically love our fellow man and serve them and I feel the world would be a kinder and friendlier place to be.
8) I believe that we need to truly learn to forgive not only others but ourselves in order to move forward..this means letting go of the hurt and anger inside your heart and letting go of past transgressions although it doesn't always mean taking the person back into your life...it means taking the high road and not dragging them through the mud although doing so seems to be a good idea at the time. Also along with this is being gentle on ourselves we are human we will make mistakes from time to time how much time is wasted beating up ourselves when we screw up instead of brushing ourselves off and resolving to do better next time.
9) I believe it is NOT selfish to take care of yourself and energize yourself...we are only given so much energy and if that is gone and we continue to try and be everything to everyone that soon we will be emotionally and physically bankrupt and until we can get our reserves back we won't be any good to anyone. By the same token every relationship in our lives should be evaluated carefully it will do little good to have a toxic relationship. I have had a few of those and I know that when I am trying to be my best they drag me down but when I have a healthy one I feel renewed and refreshed and they respect me and my needs and wishes.
10) I believe that we need to respect others and their core values and feelings etc. Even when we don't agree their values and feelings are still valid it is not our place to judge someone else or tear them apart.. we do not know the whole story and we don't know how they are feeling or why they think the way they do until we can walk in their shoes for awhile.
11) I believe that we need to count our every blessing even down to our physial abilities for the things taken for granted by one might be a desperate desire for someone else. We need to be mindful of every blessing and thank our Lord for them, on a regular basis.

Change of Plans

Christina just got some good news...this is her last trucking run and she was headed over back East but now she is in Layton, UT and from there she is headed to Grandview and then she is going to be able to head home and empty her truck of her personal belongings and then she needs to get the truck to Boise and then they are going to be nice enough to get her a bus ticket home. I can't wait to see her again. I'm going to meet up with her again and I am going to be able to meet her hubby. I'm so excited. I have quite a few wonderful friends and I enjoy spending time with them all so no one please take offense but I'm really excited that Christina is going to be home and that we can hang out together...

Talking her across the country again

My friend Christina is on her last truck driving run across the country...she had to leave again after just a few days with her family but she is happy this is her last run and they have her weaving her way all across the country to Maryland and she only has about a week or so to be there. She then will eventually make her way back home here in Spokane where a CNA job will be awaiting her. She must be lonely and it's a good thing she has unlimited minutes on her Sprint cell phone because the last two days we chatted for hours upon hours which she can legally do as long as she is wearing her blue tooth headset and she is NOT at scales or picking up or recieving a load on her truck...that and when she ran into a blinding snowstorm in Wyoming on her way home from Spokane but let's not go there. I love talking to her aside from Susan in Klamath Falls of course. Christina is an awesome upbeat person and we never get bored talking on the phone and I can only imagine how lonely she must get alone in her truck. I'm sure that when she gets home again for good she and I will eventually met up and hang out but for now we talk and I help talk her across the country and back again. I have been learning more and more about friends and what I'm learning from Christina and some other dear friends is that you should feel better talking to them than you did before and that advice is fine but a good friend isn't mad at you if you don't end up taking they support you whatever you decide is best for you. They also support you and your marriage instead of picking it apart completely. I have had to do more weeding in the friendship department and I think I have learned that sometimes friends are friends for a reason or a season and that if you try to keep it going after that time it just strains, that you can't be friends just because of memories or history shared and that if you don't feel better after talking to them or if they try and force you into doing what they think is best for you then maybe that friendship has died. On the other hand some are meant to last forever and it is just easy and natural to chat with them all day and thankfully I have some dear friends like that Christina and Susan being only just a few.

New Insights

I decided to reread my dad's biography again and this time I was able to get through it without crying. I still miss him nearly everyday of my life but I also trust in the Lord and I know that our family is forever and that if I do my part I will be with my father again. I also know that I can still feel my father near me from time to time he is never far away I just can't see him but I can feel his love and that is enough for me until I can hug him again. This time since I was able to read clearly I started to realize how much of his daughter I am....I have many of the same characteristics that he had. For one, I am not naturally a neat person although I can clean when I want to. That leads me to another thing, my dad marched to the beat of his own drum and I do too. I'm proud of that I don't like to conform to what everyone else is doing. Also his forgiving and kind nature and empathy he had for people even from a young age. I have had to learn to harness this gift but now I can see that this is a gift from the Lord and that if used correctly can not only bless my life but bless the lives of others. I also love to read and love to learn although I too need structure as I learn...my dad struggled with learning when he had too much freedom and so do I. The only thing I don't share with my dad is my shyness my father was not shy at all. I have been learning to overcome that though. Overall I am proud to be his daughter he is a good man and from a young age he taught me so much even in short 10 years.He taught me charity, pure love and kindness, forgiveness, love of learning and books and knowledge, to try my best in everything I do but to not beat myself up if I fail just get up and try again. He also taught me honesty and integrity and morals and most importantly he shared his faith and testimony with me. My father loved the Lord and was not afraid to show it my fondest memories are of him singing loud and proud and off key the hymns at church from the hymn book. I was so happy to read how much my dad loved his scriptures and how much he loved seminary because I do too and also I love to swim just as he did. Overall, I'm proud that he gave me so much and that I got to have him for 10 wonderful years. I miss him but I can rely on my faith and knowledge of eternal families to see me through until we can be a family again.

Opinions

Opinions EVERYONE has them and I'm fine with that most of the time but lately what has really ticked me off maybe because I have a backbone now and I have discovered that I have a brain of my own and I can in fact use it is when those opinions STOP being an opinion and they get shoved down your throat. Lately, this has been happening to us and enough is enough all ready Damian and I are capable of thinking for ourselves and while you are still entitled to your own opinions stop shoving yours down our throats or getting upset when we don't feel that what you want us to do is right for us. Lately, Damian has really been growing as a person and I'm so proud of him well as part of that journey he has decided he is ready to step up and be a man and provide for us. Damian has been underestimated his whole life....yes he is slightly autistic yes he has had learning disabilities in the past but by the same token he was blessed with an intelligent logical mind. He has taught himself computers and linux etc and that doesn't happen if he was not an intelligent being. He picks up any computer books he can find and he just soaks up that knowledge so we were talking and he doesn't want to go to Interface computer school. He and I have talked about that for a long time and he has decided that while they are a good school they are not right for him they are too expensive for the education and they cram so much into so little time you don't get a chance to absorb it all. All in all right for some but not right for us. Well, as luck would have it one of his ham radio clubs has it's monthly meetings at Spokane Community College in their electrial classrooms and as Damian has been early he has had a chance to get to know the instructers in that department. He has tinkered for years with operating systems, networking etc but at heart he LOVES the nuts and bolts of a computer he loves motherboards and learning how they work and RAM and all that stuff. He loves putting together and taking apart systems. Well, we have discovered that Spokane Community College might still have a computer technician program so he wants to go find out. You would think that people would be happy that Damian wants to better his skills and himself and get a computer degree of some kind. He is not looking to make huge money at this point he would be happy with any kind of degree and knowledge that would allow him to work in a computer shop somewhere working on systems....that's all he wants. He just wants to do what he loves which is tinkering with systems all day and get paid for it. Well one would have thought that we were commiting a heinous crime they are insisting that Spokane Community College is a joke and that he won't get a job. I'm sorry Interface can't gurantee that either I know a few people who have paid a lot more money to go there for 9 months or so and taken out all kinds of loans for nothing. I think that's a risk you have to take and right now although it will take him longer and he will have to take other classes he may not need for his program he has decided to go to the community college instead. I am sticking by him in that decision he feels he NEVER was taught english or algebra in high school and he wants to learn as an adult to better himself and become more intelligent. I can't fault him on that. I also can't buy the rhetoric that computers are just for the young if that were the case my middle aged uncles would be out of work so I don't think it's too late for Damian. I also think that instead of tearing him apart for making this step and decision that he should be applauded and encouraged for stepping up realizing his dreams and trying to make a career out of something he is passionate about.

Romantic Surprise and it's NOT even a special occasion

Damian shocked me last night we have been together 10 years come Thanksgiving weekend he used to be so sweet and romantic in very small but oh so meaningful ways...that's why I married him I knew where I stood and how much he loved me. Well, as the years have gone by we have gotten into a rut we still love each other but it has become almost a habit to say I love you. I had sent him little videos and love notes but he hadn't until last night he told me he had posted a song onto his web page that he told me he liked because it reminded him of me. Naturally I was curious so I played it and I was blown away so I asked him if he still is that much in love with me that I make him smile and still make his day worth getting up for and he told me yes. That made my day to know that even after all this time and everything we have been through together that he still feels giddy sometimes and he still is madly in love with me and that thinking of me still makes him smile. I'm enclosing the song in case anyone is curious so ya my husband totally made my day and the best part was it was not Valentines, my birthday or our anniversary.

I'm so very very blessed

I have been thinking lately how blessed I have been in my life even with struggles and adversity. I didn't ask to struggle and be bullied nor did I ask for my father to pass away when I was such a young age but I also have seen throughout the years where I have been also helped and guided along the way. Starting in the fourth grade when I had been so painfully bullied and picked on since Kindergarten all because I was so shy...a girl named Christina who would later become my advocate and dear friend saw something in me and became my friend my ONLY friend the last two years I was at Otis Orchards Elementary. We did class projects together and talked and swung on the monkey bars. She was there for me when I lost my dad the end of that school year and she was there when no one else was...that is love and devotion something that one doesn't expect when they think of a school aged friend. Then later on into Middle School the bullying continued you would think that they would have gotten sick of it by then but because of it I gained a few more friends who saw that despite the bullying I never retaliated I just tried to ignore it but they noticed pain in my eyes which told them what the bullies said that I was a snob was untrue. So they embraced me and put their arms around me and got me through the awkward teenage years...this is where I met my unrelated sister and some other dear dear friends who blessed my life tremendously and who helped buffet some of the taunting and bullying I got. Then later on in high school the worst but best happened to me. My freshman year was the worst ever...my life was changing and all that I had known was shaken up and along with it my best best friend and unrelated sister had to move. I HATED that I was going to be all alone again and the bullying STILL had not let up. Then I had to go to Boston the last week or so of school and I had a friend pick up my year book for me and along with that came a surprise that would bless me for the rest of my life...FRIENDS. She had a group of friends she had known from 17th ward the next ward over sign my yearbook and along with that I got to know them too. The other 3 years were to be the best years of my life...we danced together at dances, I had someone to hug New Years Eve thanks to all my guy friends in the group...I had laughter and joy..I had companionship and support as I grieved my father and most of all I had protection from the bullies. My friends NEVER let them get to me. I also met other wonderful friends as high school wound down and even into my adult life. Some of the friends later would betray me a bitter lesson I had to somehow learn but even now I have realized as Christina and many others are still in my life how very very blessed I have been. I was told I am blessed if in this Iife I have had even one true stalwart friend and I have several for which I am so very thankful. I have a husband who is in every sense of the word my best friend along with my whole army of other dear and true friends who have still stood beside me despite adult responsibilities and hectic schedules. I think I cherish them now that play time is over because now when time is so short and precious and has to be juggled with families and other things I appreciate what little time we get so much more than when we had spent every day together. I cherish how they saw the potential in me and waited patiently until I could see it for myself and I cherish how they have cheered me on as I have gone through my life and how they have helped pick me up and dusted me off when I have fallen down and they have run the race with me as far as they could and when I had to run the last leg on my own they were at the finish line waiting to cheer me on to the finish. Indeed I have been very very blessed and I am so very very grateful for all of them.

Winter Preparations

I know I wished for cooler weather but this is ridiculous....I wanted it to be more like fall and at least at my house it's been really cold and chilly outside...especially in the mornings.. right now it's saying that it's 35 degrees out there....BRRRR too cold for me. We are going to buy a new filter for our furnace today and Damian will be taking our window air conditioners out so that means bye bye to summer and getting ready for winter. We still have yet to put plastic up on our windows to help keep some of the cold out and to figure out a way to block the cold from coming in through the gaps between our front door and our door jam. Gotta love our slumlord he doesn't give a crap but he will when he has to pay the power bill come February when we move...Ha ha ha. One more miserable winter in this cold place and then we will be on to a better living situation. Paying 120 a month for a two bedroom place is ridiculous especially since our trailer isn't very big square footage wise..it's probably about the size of an average two bedroom apartment it's just stretched out and that's on budget billing last winter our bill averaged 350 a month...yikes!!!! So we have decided that while yes our rent will go up by about 50 dollars or so moving to the new place once we take into account our slumlord's annual rent increases by at least 50 around here we may still come out ahead because we won't be paying astronomical heating bills just to stay warm...and we aren't even using all that much heat our thermostat is ONLY on about 65 no more than 70 degrees it's not like we are cranking it up but I have come to realize that this place is very poorly insulated and we have central heat so anytime it gets below a certain temp the furnace kicks on that's all fine and good except we get lots of drafts that blow in and our heat is always kicking on. Anyway, one last winter I can get through that...meanwhile I'm snuggled under a blanket and am trying NOT to turn the heat on before I really have to.