Tossing the guilt

These last few weeks have been a bit of a personal struggle for me but I've learned to overcome it and it's been for a simple reason I've felt guilty for taking care of myself and doing what's best for me. I've felt guilty for doing so awesome at work I know that's totally crazy. I've not been used to that for a long long time and I accidently feel back into a habit of letting a couple of people use me and drain my energy and I would actually feel a bit guilty because things were going so well for me and they weren't for them. Well things came to a head and I got rid of that guilt and you know what it felt great. It felt great to toss out feelings of guilt and to be happy for and to celebrate my successes and accomplishments. It was hard to get rid of people in my life who were only using me and bringing me down but now that they are gone I can focus on the people who are left the people who do love and support me and don't want to bring me down. I've reconnected in a very powerful way to my little sis who has been my best friend all along I just had gotten so caught up trying to help others that I couldn't see her in the mess. She helped me get it all sorted out and got me back on solid ground again. She helped remind me of the journey I've been on and how far I've come and that I had better not dare let anyone hold me back from celebrating the good things and successes in my life. I realized she's right why should I have to feel guilty and feel bad because Damian and I have been blessed tremendously in our lives and we are moving in a forward positive direction. I am so grateful to a wonderful strong little sister who knows just what to say and how to say it to remind and refocus me so I can keep going and get to where I want to go. I love her so much for that I'm grateful for her and for all the other people I have left who really do love and support me and my accomplishments. I'll get used to celebrating them and tossing the guilt right out the window and be proud of what I'm doing and how far I've come. Yes I have miles and miles to go but how dreary would it be if we only focused on what lay ahead instead of pausing a moment to be happy for how far you've come.

Autism awareness

April marks Autism awareness month and this is something near and dear to me as my husband is on the autism spectrum its slight but its there. He has had to struggle a lot with bullying, prejudice, ignorance and intolerance which is a shame because yes he's a little different yes he marches to the beat of his own drum and yes accommodations have needed to be made for him to some degree so he can function in this big confusing world however he also is unique, intelligent, loving and wonderful. He doesn't naturally have filters so sometimes he says things the wrong way or gives out too much info and sometimes he has to be careful with who he trusts but at the same time it's that childlike faith and love that makes him a wonderful husband and life partner. When the cards are stacked against me and I feel like everyone has walked away he's still there. Words can not express how much that means at such a moment. He is so smart and so intelligent and has taught me so much like how to think outside the box and color outside the rigid lines of life he doesn't see just black and white but shades of gray and other colors he doesn't believe there is just one way to think or do something and his mind works in an amazing way. Damian has taught me patience when no one else could as together we have learned how to make a marriage work and how to make it work out so he can still be him but still live in society too. I love and am proud of my husband because he's him but also because of his autism and how he has been learning to turn that into an asset not a curse. I would strongly encourage you to do your homework about autism and to do your part to be more loving and encouraging to all the autistic's out there and their families who are doing the best they can with what they have to work with. They don't need another person to criticize and judge them they need people who will reach out and love and support them and their efforts. Autistic people are just like anybody else they just want to be loved and treated with the same dignity and respect as someone without a disability they want to find their niche and place in the world. I love and am proud that I chose to be married to such a wonderful man and that we figured out how to make this all work because I would be missing out on so many wonderful experiences and life lessons. He has touched my life and I will never be the same.

In Shock......in the best way

I couldn't imagine my shock last night when I checked on my appointments set for Monday they BOTH sold not only that BUT they sold for a TOTAL of 12,220 dollars that's the most I have EVER had appointments that I've set sell for. To put that in perspective I will be getting 244.40 of that on my next check in commission plus what I've already earned for this month in commission and wages. I was pleasantly surprised and it was perfect timing as I had been feeling a little burnt out and things weren't looking good for me at work. However, this and the great sales week I had last week have been what it took for me to feel renewed and revitalized that I can do this and I can be good at this. I still am kinda shaking and still can't believe it in fact I've actually checked the numbers a few times just to make sure I read it correctly. This is really going to be a great thing for my family and I'm so blessed that Heavenly Father has given us this blessing so that we can pay our bills and that we can make ends meet.

I need to let it all loose

I will give a disclaimer now I have to let it all loose and let the fur fly I would do it in a more private way however I want to get it all out there because I want people who are close to me to understand how I work and how I operate because I can be very complex and complicated. Okay that being said I'll get to my post now....

I am in no way a perfect human being I am not going to put myself on a pedestal because just as much as I have a loving generous nature and can be docile and compliant I also have a stubborn streak, a temper and a tendency to get jealous. I am yin and yang I'm my own worst enemy sometimes. I have been working for years to control the not so good darker sides of myself and for the most part I succeed. I've come a long way in controlling my temper and jealousy and I've been working on changing my stubbornness from being obstinate to focusing it to more positive things by learning to focus and concentrate so I can stick to a task and see it through to its finish. My stubbornness also is an asset because I don't quit easily I won't give up on someone it takes a lot for me to get to the point where I'm done. However, that point does exist so don't press your luck. Like I said I'm not a saint by any means however I do have a compassionate, loving, generous heart and nature. I don't like to see anyone uncomfortable and I want to do what I can do reach out and be of assistance and help like I told someone once I don't have much at this moment in time but what I do have I will share willingly. I will give of my love, friendship, time, compassion and loyalty. If it is in my power to do so I will do what I can do help and be of assistance I will not keep score. However, I do ask in return for your loyalty and friendship relationships with me need to be a two way deal I will give you all of myself however if you don't want to see my temper don't lie to me, cheat me, be disloyal to me and don't disrespect me. When these things happen I don't know what it is but those are my biggest pet peeves and I will turn on you quickly and you will see my temper and my anger flare I will not be treated like garbage. I used to allow that because I didn't think enough of myself but now I do and I will not tolerate being treated like that by anyone I don't care who you are or what your relation is to me. I will not turn my back on you easily I will not forsake you I will be a loyal and loving friend etc I do not want to walk away from anyone because when I do it is forever I will not be coming back. However, I will if my hand is forced and I am betrayed and angered to the point of no return and that means that if you make a mistake and hurt me but are genuinely sorry I will forgive you so long as you do not keep repeating the hurt. However, if you do not own up to it or care that I give you my love and loyalty etc then I will not continue to waste my time and energy giving you of myself so you will be cut off and I will not be coming back. I will not waste my time. Oh, and another way to anger me real fast is to attack those nearest and dearest to me bad idea just saying. Alright I hope this helps clear some things up basically it's pretty simple the golden rule treat others as you want to be treated. If you treat me with the same courtesy, kindness etc that I treat you then we have no problems however if you don't want to do that you will reap what you sow and it will be your loss. I have no problems now that I have self respect and self love cutting you off if you continue to hurt me and betray me.

It's My Voice if you please....an Amanda Impett original creation

It's my voice if you please

Dad taught me to be free who I am and strong

He told me be true to you and you can never go wrong.

He showed me I had my own abilities my own voice

He taught me sometimes I had to stand my ground make my own choice.

Over time my voice got lost in the crowd

Got lost by being bullied teased put down

It got weaker and weaker and almost died

In trying to please others I was dying inside.

I have not been alone trying to get it back

but it's been so hard when I have been under attack

I want to speak loud and strong

I want to say leave me alone maybe you were wrong.

I want to say let me be who I truly am inside

You may not agree but let me be me let me have some pride.

Let me speak it is my voice if you please.

Thanks for the reminder

I really appreciate my friends and reading their blogs it's not only a great way to keep in touch with so many all over but also a great way to glean inspiration. I gleaned such inspiration last night from reading about a friends crazy life and how she and her husband have turned to the Lord for everything and have learned to put their trust in him. WOW! That has been a goal of mine this year and for the most part I was doing okay but then I got into panic mode when I got tested and things got choppy. I got scared but thanks to her post I realized it prayed for forgiveness and have prayed for the Lord to take over and I will trust him no matter the outcome. I appreciate her faith and her willingness to share what's going on with her family and how crazy things have gotten with them. I appreciate the fact that I too can turn it over to the Lord and he will somehow take care of us and get us through the choppy waters and that I have to let go and let God as they say and not just say I have and continue to obsess over it and try and mircomanage things. its not easy to try and do but if she can do it so can I. Who knows what amazing blessings are in store for me if I pass this test and this challenge.

What's new

This is my blog but it has to do with my family so I thought I would take a moment and share this latest tid bit about Damian I'm so proud of him right now. He's starting to do really great. He's been studying really hard to get ready for his A+ certifications and he took one practice test already and did great. He's not comfortable enough yet to take the real tests at 300-400 bucks but he's doing great with as long as he's had his study materials. He's also really blooming when it comes to being social years ago he kept to himself now he and his brother play a game called Minecraft and talk all the time doing it along with another guy or two that plays. Damian also is actively involved doing ham radio activities and other things that require talking and social skills. He still makes some faux paus sometimes but not as many and not as often. He's learning how to still remain true to himself but still work within society. He's always going to be unique, quirky and will think outside the box but you know what I'm okay with that who says there is only one way to think. He has been feeling a little down lately though because although he's made a lot of progress he hasn't felt like he has that's where a friend of mine I know on Facebook really helped. She has a son who has Asbergers (Aspies) as she calls it and she shared with me a list of famous people actors and others who have the condition or in the case of people who died before the condition was known were suspected of having it. It was quite a list and they all made a success of themselves it really lifted my husband to know that he was not alone and that if they could do it so can he. I am so amazing and proud of him he's making so much progress. He's really learning to put the past behind him and all the negative things and comments behind him he's learning to look to the future and just keep going even though there still are negative things in his path. It makes me sad really he's such an awesome wonderful person I don't like how he has to deal with such negative things just because he's a little different and thinks outside the box. So what who really cares? He's such a loving kind soul with a really intelligent mind he was able to figure out computers and figure out problems with all kinds of related things on his own. I'm proud of the man he is and the man he is becoming and I will continue to root him on as he continues on the path to self discovery and as he learns that he can do anything he sets his mind too. Autism is not the end for him it's just something that we have to work around and the more people that realize this the better and if they chose not to then that's on them not him. I know I'm on a soap box a little but I'm getting a little frustrated with people's lack of knowledge and research on autism and the autism spectrum all they know is stereotypes. It is a disorder that is just as varied as individuals some people may show little and some a lot some are able to be social and live fulfilling lives and are able to make wonderful spouses and parents and some are not. Anyway I will continue to be proud of my husband and I will continue to be an advocate for autism and the autism spectrum of which Asbergers is a part of until more and more people understand and are no longer scared of what they don't know and understand. April is autism awareness month and I am proud to be the wife of a man who has it although it's been an uphill battle I will admit I'm glad I wasn't just another person that gave up on him.

Back in Balance

I was able to buy my 5-HTP again in a 50mg capsule form and I am beginning to feel more like myself again I feel a lot better. I feel like I'm back in balance and I am able to sleep really well and get the sleep and rest that I need. I don't feel as hyper active as when I was taking the 100mg so maybe that was because I was taking too much. I just feel like I'm me I'm able to stay calm and focus on what it is that I have to do. I've also been noticing that my carb cravings and sweetness cravings are starting to subside I believe that has to do with the fact that carbs and sweets can release feel good chemicals. The best part is that my attacks are down to a minimum again so I don't constantly feel like I'm in a war zone with myself. I have learned from this however I've learned how strong I am and that I can keep it together. I've also been learning and I'm still learning how to speak up for and be an advocate for myself and speak up when I am in need of help. I don't mind being a loving empathetic being however sometimes that really drains me so I'm going to continue to practice closing myself off sometimes that's not to be cruel or mean but only for my own sanity so I don't get overly drained and overly tired I've learned that sometimes when this happens I don't have the energy I need to battle this disorder. I can't lose everything I've worked so hard to have in this last year. Anyway I'm starting to feel great again and I'm grateful for that.