Out with the old.....in with the new

2011 is almost over and what a year it's been in so many ways...before I get ready for 2012 I just want to touch on a few of the highlights.
-My first ever airplane ride and stay in a hotel room by myself both were quite an experience. I loved the airplane ride and I discovered airports are great for people watching.
-I got and managed to keep a job for at least half the year and I'm still doing well that's a big plus for me.
- A lot of positive changes started happening emotionally as I started re prioritizing things in my life to make room for the things that really matter.
-I found the root cause of and started to really manage my anxiety instead of it managing me
-I found out who really is my friend and who really does love and care for me and to stop chasing after those who don't and after popularity. I learned that even one friend worth having is priceless and I have a few.
That's just a few of the things that have gone on this year although many many more things happened I'm sure I'm just not able to remember them right now. I'm looking forward to what 2012 brings and all those adventures. Happy New Year everyone I hope it will be a good one and that you will be happy and safe.

Finally a way to describe my journey

I've been hunting and hunting for a way to describe how I've been feeling the last couple of weeks well here it is. It's Martina McBride singing From the Ashes. This song literally talks about someone rebuilding themselves and their life. That's how I feel I don't feel like the same person anymore in a good way. I'm confident, I'm strong, I'm happy and I'm not living in constant panic anxiety or fear. I can feel the love of myself and those around me I can share that love I can see things as they are not a distorted view. It's wonderful anyway enjoy and please take time to listen.
As always comments are welcome but I'm not fishing for them you can comment or not comment as you see fit.

I'm free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today was a great success. I'm so grateful to Mary and her technique with her help and guidance she was able to help me relive all those painful memories. I felt and saw everything and it was intense but an amazing thing began to happen once I let myself just feel it and I stopped repressing everything it began to release and I began to feel so so much better. When she was done she could see the change in me and as I talked I couldn't tell her how much better I felt. I felt an all over glow inside me I felt free like all the painful memories and pain was gone. They are there of course but the pain attached is now gone. I wish I could describe it and so far today I haven't felt any anxiety or fear at all and I didn't even take any pills today. I still want to keep them in case I need them but I think her guess was spot on all my anxiety was hinged on just a few painful memories and moments and the emotions pent up and attached to them. I feel tired and drained but I also feel so so much better better than I have in 21 years. She was able to help my brain process this all so that I could understand it process it and file it away so I could just move on. I'm completely unstuck and everything is feeling great. I'm feeling better, my relationships will be better, I can move forward and not feel like I'm that scared little girl anymore who feels like she has something to prove. I can move on to happier and better things and it's so wonderful to be free from this prison of constant panic and pain. Great things will be able to happen now that I am free to let them happen and I'm not waiting for the other shoe to drop. Not that life will be all roses I'm not saying that but now I know how to deal with it all and I know how to experience it glean what I need from it then move on and just let it go away and not obsess over it anymore.

Getting unstuck

This is going to be a really really honest post just saying now. I have made a lot of progress with my anxiety and with all that has happened in my life I'm not belittling that at all I'm proud of how far I've come. However, now is when I'm at a crossroads my job is hanging in the balance a lot of things are cause now is a time when I've been doing well and I'm feeling the old anxious feelings coming back, the obessive thoughts etc. I know some of the people in my life have been getting annoyed again and honestly after today when I could take a step back I can't say I blame them. I have been feeling like I'm still just stuck I've done a lot on my own but something was still there and I didn't know how to get unstuck. Well, I took a friends advice to let go and let God. I did I had an honest prayer and conversation with him laying it all out telling him that I don't want to be like this anymore that I'm losing everything near and dear to me because of this anxiety and that I want to be free I want to be happy and more importantly that I can't do it alone. I gave it some time and Sunday night I had a feeling to check online again for anxiety counselors so I did and guess what I found one who accepted payments on a sliding fee scale and she specializes in anxiety. I read about her and she had a friendly face so I decided to send her office an email. You can imagine my surprise when first thing Monday she calls me. We talk a little bit and she's so friendly and helpful she explains to me that she can help and she tells me about a process called EMDR which stands for Eye Movement Desensitizing Reprocessing it's a therapy used for those who have experienced trauma, anxiety related to that and PTSD. She encouraged me to look it up and we set up an appointment for Tues so we could meet and Wed in case I wanted to proceed. Today my meeting with her was wonderful. She heard me loud and clear something that was amazing to me for so long people even well meaning people just didn't understand. I felt like I was crazy or something. She and I talked a lot and we figured out that my anxiety is trauma related boiling down to that one life changing incident when I was ten years old. I haven't been able to really process it so I got backlogged in my brain and got behind and as a result my brain went on overload so it's kinda been a domino effect. So we talked she explained what she wanted to do and I gave my go ahead. We are going to have a two hour session tomorrow and she will walk me through the events and have me revisit it but do it in a way that will be interesting. I will be hearing headphones listening to music that I will first hear in one ear and then the other, I also will be holding two plastic things in each hand that will vibrate first one then the other as we are revisiting this place. The thought process is that is how our brain naturally processes what happens to us during the day that's what happens during rem sleep that's why it's called that rapid eye movement. She is going to help my brain get that trauma unstuck so that everything else can get sorted out. She told me it may be intense and I may feel tired or vulnerable but I'm ready. I can't live like this anymore. I told her that it will be 22 years I don't want to talk it out it's been talked to death. I told her I just want to process it and get it out of there so I can move on from it. It will still be there but the pain will be gone from it so I can focus on moving on and the rest will take care of itself. I can not only survive but thrive. I'm so grateful my prayers have been heard and answered and that she can get me unstuck. She betting and she's been doing this a long long time that once this has been dealt with once and for all that most or if not all my anxiety will start gradually going away as I learn to view things and process them for what they are and not attach fear to them and make them into more than what they originally were. So anyway I'm really really thankful that my voice has been heard and that I can do this process and that she is willing to help me. I'm ready for this last step so I can bust through and be the amazing person I was meant to be.

Blissfully Boring

Life right now for us is blissfully dull and boring which is just the way I like it. I continue to work weekends for Evergreen Tree Care, I continue to love it and I'm pretty good at it. I'm able to get my quota anyway so I don't get in trouble and I'm blessed on occasion with some commission which does come very much in handy. I'm good right now where I am so I'm not going to mess with it. Damian is calming down too and is starting to thrive with the help of Kim his therapist she is really working with him helping him with social, life skills etc and in turn that is helping him to learn how to succeed in life with his autism. He hadn't been shown all these things so he is getting help now and is doing great, it's a work in progress and a step at a time sometimes baby steps but that's okay I'm beginning to notice and more importantly so are some other people. She want to make sure that Damian has a solid foundation under him so we can set him up for success not another failure and I agree I want him to feel the sense of accomplishment that comes with doing well. So yep that's pretty much our life it's pretty quiet and dull but that's just the way we like it free of drama and the emotional turmoil that comes with it.

A second wind

Lately I've been really feeling beat down and tired like I'm fighting a constant battle. In a way I am I've been battling my constant anxiety attacks and panic attacks but here's the GOOD news I'm starting to win and it feels amazing. I will always battle that but I'm winning. What I mean is that I was feeling beaten down for simply choosing to forge my own path. I honestly could care less about what some people think right now I don't care but I won't lie it still hurts when someone I love and care about says and does rude things or tries to discourage me. I had been feeling beaten down because also I have always always reached out with love to others without even thinking about what was going to be in it for me well lately I had felt like I wasn't getting anywhere that there was just too much selfishness and cruelty in the world. Then tonight I couldn't get any sleep and out of the blue I hopped on facebook and a good good friend of mine since the 6th grade messaged me. We had been talking about how now she has a good man in her life and how she doesn't feel like she deserves him just because she has a learning disability. I felt inspired to share with her my love and friendship and how that never affected me and how everyone has a right to happiness and love. She had to go that day as she was at work but tonight she messaged me again and thanked me from the bottom of her heart. We then were able to talk a few hours and it really meant a lot to me. It meant a lot to know that I haven't been wasting my time energy or breath. I have new vigor now I'm full of life and energy now. I know I can't reach everyone that would be impossible but I do now have the strength I need to those within my reach who may be in need of assistance. I really am glad now that I couldn't sleep last night I really needed to hear that. I'm so grateful to my Heavenly Father for this experience she even said herself and she's not really a Christian I don't know why I am telling you this but I just feel in my heart that I need to. I know exactly why and she did too after I was crying happy tears telling her how much it meant to me to hear her say all this and how I needed to hear this. This will be a great week now that I have new energy to throw into all my activities and as I work hard to continue to get my life back the way I want it to be.

This gives me chills

This song has always given me chills ever since I first heard it when "Hercules" came out. If you really study and listen to the lyrics it does have a spiritual message to it if we overcome the adversities in our lives when it comes to the end we will have a hero's welcome waiting and we will have our loved ones waiting. I would like to think that they are not only looking out for us but that they are cheering us on when we chose to not accept defeat and keep going or even when we once were defeated but we chose to get up and keep going. Anyway I love this song and I hope you will too.

The High Road

I've been asked lately to go through some trials and things and it's okay I've learned not to murmur I've learned to take them as they are meant as a life lesson or as something I need at the moment in my life. I've learned how to do this as I've done a daily gratitude list and that has really really helped me a lot. I've also turned to my father in heaven in more fervent prayer learning to thank him for all and to ask him to not take away these challenges but to help me have the strength to take them on. It's still hard though and I'm not meaning to whine because compared to what some other people I know are going through right now my life is easy but what makes it hard is that the people who are causing these challenges are people that I love and care about. It's difficult when people you love and trust can't be trusted and they feel they need to make snide comments or they need to stab you in the back. They are so bored with their life that they have to try and create drama in yours. It's really hard to rise above that but right now I think that's the lesson I need to learn. I've been learning that you will reap what you sow and I have. I have been given back the love and kindness I have dished out in such abundance that I am so blessed but at the same time I have to learn to keep going. I have to keep going even if someone I loved deeply as a friend betrays me and tries to be petty and rude. I have to keep my head held high and take the high road and keep going. It's not easy to do that's why I'm posting this it's downright frustrating but I'm not alone I feel the love of people who do love me and I feel the love of my Heavenly Father. This love tells me I'm on the right track I'm on a path that will lead me to happiness and my dreams coming true this is just a temporary obstacle. I'll overcome it I'll eventually learn to take the high road no matter what and just ignore the people who want to hurt me because that's easier than admitting that something must be lacking in their life. I'll get there but right now I'm just learning how to keep climbing and not get discouraged. I used to back off when I got this stuff thrown at me now I'm learning to hang on and keep climbing and just keep going. I'm learning that when stuff like this happens I must be on the right track and that adversity doesn't mean that I stop it means that I keep on keeping on til I get there.

The strength of Love

I've been realizing lately one of the gifts I have been given has a lot of power and strength to it now that I have learned how to use it properly. I have been blessed with a loving, sensitive heart and soul that could reach out and love anyone. When I was young I didn't have the strength to harness it and it controlled me often leading to extreme heart break. However, now it is coming into it's own it is the strength of love that will heal and help the human race. Anger, biogottry, hatred, ignorance, and selfishness are what destroy it is love, compassion, empathy and understanding that build up. I'm learning the power of this gift and how to use it and I have seen it's fruit. I continue to use my gift to try and bless as many as I can however I'm learning to concentrate it using more of it on those that are ready to accept it and less on those that would want to use me. Love, compassion and empathy for human kind is not weakness and I will no longer allow anyone to use my gift against me. As a result the power is amplified and those can feel my love and concern for them. I still have hope for human kind we can turn things around one heart at at time. I am an eternal optimist and I refuse to give up I will spend my every last breath reaching out with love to those around me. This song means so much to me always has and always will.



This one does as well it's a very strong song with a strong message and I feel it sums up my mission.

Learning what inner strength really means

This is not a pity party post so please don't read it as such. This is just how I feel right now so I feel like I need to let my feelings out and let them have an outlet. I've been going through a lot of changes in my life lately and as part of that I'm learning to find out who I really am as a person, finding my inner voice and finding my path in life. This has not been an easy process but I feel that I must keep walking. The more I walk though the harder it becomes as I'm starting to see who really does care and who will stick out the journey with me and who was just along for the ride. It's getting harder because these are people I care deeply about and they are starting to drop off leaving me to keep going without them. It's tempting sometimes but I know I can't go back and get them I can't go backward I just have to keep going forward. I know I still have people in my life who love me and care about me deeply it just feels like a lonely long journey sometimes but maybe that is how it has to be right now. Maybe I need to walk alone awhile so that I can figure out how strong I really am as a person. I have to learn to realize this strength in order to prepare me for the wonderful things I want to have. I've just got to keep trekking and what happens happens if it means I walk alone I walk and stand alone. Thankfully I've learned that I can be good company and that I must keep walking with faith in every footstep until I get to the end of the line. I don't know what is ahead of me all I know is that I am on the right path and that I must keep going.

Okay let's go over this ONE more time....

Things have come to my attention lately that I MUST take care of and take care of right away. My job NEVER was and NEVER will be seasonal so the people who are encouraging me to find a more steady job can stop. I love you so don't take this wrong BUT BACK OFF. I told everyone when I started that while we are based in Spokane and do call Spokane that we call other areas all over the state. Spokane gets snow and crappy weather the west side for the most part gets winds and rain storms perfect opportunities for arborists to check out people's trees. GRRRR!!!! I'm sorry I'm trying my best to be patient but does anyone listen to me at all. I don't know how many times I have to repeat myself. It's getting old and it's getting annoying. The other thing is that yes I gave up a second job recently however I had good reason for that. It came to my starting date I was supposed to be appointment setting for insurance agents they had no set script for me no guidelines at all. Heck I didn't even have a clue how many "referrals" I guess you could call it they wanted me to get. That in my experience is a recipe for disaster and told me that they are not together enough to know what they are doing. I did have an interview for another part time job and that is with a company that knows what they are doing and I will know about it next week. Meanwhile I fill in every so often at Evergreen and I only work Friday and Saturday but again pay attention people that's pretty steady has been my shift for going on four months now and I'm good at it. I make 12.50 an hour I can along with Damian's SSI live on the almost 800 dollars I make a month guaranteed. I'm trying to make more so it's not so tight but it would have to be a REALLY REALLY great job or my dream job to get me to give up Evergreen. I love it there, I'm good at what I do and YES it is steady so I know you mean well but I hope this lays this all to rest. I'm getting sick and tired of having to repeat myself. Please pay attention to what I am saying the first time I say it I will no longer repeat myself if you chose not to listen or pay attention.Sorry I will not waste my time and breath from now on when I have been learning to use it and my talents in more productive ways. Another thing my 5-HTP is natural, it's safe, it's non addictive and it's given me my life back and taken away my anxiety. It's because of the 5-HTP that I'm able to be my true authentic self I know it's hard to get used to I had to as well but I am not naturally shy and compliant. I'm a little loud sometimes, a little crazy a little unique I march to the beat of my own drum but you know what that's okay. I also have a heart of gold, have a loyal loving kind heart and now that I'm not having panic attacks all the time I'm ready to start doing what I have to do to take care of things and prepare for the family that Heavenly Father wants to give me. The best thing is NO side effects so ya for as long as it continues to work that's what I will take because until I find something else that does what this does and has no issues that I have to probably also deal with I'm good where I am thank you. I feel better than I have in a long long time and it feels great to have my confidence back and to feel happy and together. I'm no longer going to feel like I have to be sad or anxious all the time that's no way to live. I can't change some things in the past I can't bring back my dad I can't bring back certain things but what I can do is keep on living and keep on trucking. That's what my dad tried to teach me and that's the best way in my opinion to honor him and his legacy he always had a smile and a chuckle or laugh so why can't I? Living in the past isn't going to change anything it's not going to bring him back. I acknowledge openly I have made many mistakes but guess what that's the past I've learned from it and I'm ready to move on. Please stop rubbing them in my face that's the fastest way to get me to no want to deal with you anymore. I need loving supportive people in my life not people who want to rub the past in my nose when I'm learning from it and picking up the pieces and getting back together again. I need people who accept as I am and as I truly was meant to me not my anxious scared of my own shadow self. I need people who are willing to be beside me as I make my journey if you can do all this than welcome but if you can't then step aside and let me pass. There comes a time when someone has to follow their heart, their inner voice and their gut and that time for me as more than passed so I'm listening to it now. My life's still fragmented and will be for awhile I really made a mess but Heavenly Father is guiding me and I'm listening and guess what I feel it in my heart that great things are on the horizon for me if I keep on going. This job is great and a second one will be too but that doesn't mean I am meant to have them forever...maybe they are stepping stones to bigger and better things. I'm not singling anyone out not at all but I am calling you all out. I have to have my own voice I have to be allowed to be who I truly am inside and who I'm meant to be. It was when I wasn't able to be and my fear seized me that I wasn't being true to myself and I was unhappy. Now I'm happy, healthy, confident and strong and losing weight again. Without a diet regimine, weight watchers or much more exercise than the trek to work I'm down to a size 24 pretty comfortably down from over 300lbs and a size 30W when I started. The 24's were bought about two weeks ago and they are kinda getting a little loose so again amazing things happen when someone is happy and allowed the room to be who they really truly are.

Songs that have been running through my head

Lately these songs have been running through my head the lyrics have spoken to me and my heart as I strive hard to move forward learning from the past and then letting it go and moving forward. It's not easy to do but I must keep moving forward I'm on the verge of great things I can just feel it I can't stop now even as it gets harder. That just tells me I'm on the right track now I'm on the right course and I must keep going.

True Friends

I don't have a lot of time before work but I do have a few moments to express my gratitude for something. I have been blessed with many wonderful and caring friends. I have had a few that have turned away from me but as a whole not too many and for that I'm grateful. I got to to thinking about that when a co worker and well I guess she's a work friend we do text each other told me that her "best" friend threw her under the bus and I thought how awful I couldn't imagine that. That got me thinking how incredibly lucky I am to have really great friends who uplift and support me and even sometimes show a little tough love when needed. I know I grumble about that but I'm thankful for that too because they love me enough to tell me the truth and help me grow as a person and they are there beside me as I grow. It's a wonderful feeling to know that I'm not alone in my journey through life that I have people who love me and care about me and help me along the way occasionally helping me get back up as needed. I feel really blessed and thankful that I still do have true friends because I couldn't imagine being betrayed like that especially now when I'm on the verge of breaking through my anxiety and making changes to my life in a positive way. That's not meant to sound selfish because it isn't its just that right now I need support so I don't go backwards in my progression and lose all the progress that I have made.

The Serenity to accept what you can't change

A lot has changed since my last post for the better I think. I was just about to start a second job when my first job Evergreen offered me some extra shifts six 10 hour shifts to be exact. It's not exactly full time but it will help that's an extra 750 bucks and I would have been a fool to turn that down. Besides the closer I was to starting that second job the more it didn't feel right. They were in charge I was just going to be working for them and they didn't have a clue what they wanted me to say or anything so that was going to be a disaster. I hope that soon I'll be given full time but we'll see what happens meanwhile I don't mind filling in my supervisor Ken said he would do what he could to make sure I could get extra hours so I could move. He's awesome!!! I did have a major anxiety attack at work last weekend but I pulled through. I spent the week recovering and in the process I learned some important things about myself I learned to gauge when I am freaking out so I can nip it in the bud. I learned to take my pills twice a day since they are 12 hour release so I can have the 5-HTP in my system to help calm me. I learned that I can't take on everyone's problems and that I can't save the world. I learned that I can't be perfect and shooting for that is impossible. I learned that it's okay to ask for and accept help and I learned that I have to accept what I can't change and that it's okay I don't have to be in control of everything. As a result I bounced back in a major way yesterday at work. I was on probation for not getting my leads but I fixed that. I needed 8 leads for the weekend and I got 8 yesterday so yay for comebacks. I also realized that I can use my adrenaline in a positive way instead of running away I can run toward something and use it to power me forward. I have made a lot of progress and I'm proud of me most importantly I know who I can trust and I know who I can count on and that's important.

Pretty Quiet Lately

Things have been fairly quiet lately and that's just the way that I like them. Quiet and drama free is good. I'm still working weekends at Evergreen Tree Care and loving it there. I love my co workers we actually do look forward to seeing each other on the weekend. I'm still doing well there and that's a good thing. I'm still waiting to hear about full time but that's okay it is what it is. I am working a second job part time during the rest of the week starting Monday. I don't know if I will like it as much but that's okay it is what it is. I'm thinking about possibly keeping that job just long enough to get us some moving money and maybe get me some early childhood education training. Then I could still work Evergreen weekends if I don't get full time by the spring and I could work in a day care the rest of the week. It's something to think about but I don't plan on quitting Evergreen anytime soon I love it there and 12.50 an hour is hard to walk away from lol. That's not a bad wage at all for not having a college education. Other than that things are quiet Damian and I are having to sleep apart for the time being he has possible sleep apnea so he has to sleep more upright but his doctor will be scheduling a sleep study for him soon so we can fix it. Other than that not much is going on we are learning now to see things more clearly and our moods are leveling off. We need to move out of here and I had posted that we were going to move to a two bedroom but we decided to hold off. After evaluating some things we decided it will be much smarter to move to a smaller apartment to attempt to save some money and then work toward becoming completely debt free. That would be a really good thing and would show the state that we are able to care for children since we would be able to care for ourselves. It won't be an easy thing to do but nothing worthwhile ever is.

Step 2 towards my goal of being foster mom

Step one is going well I have a part time job I love and am able to keep. The 5-HTP is doing it's job so far however it was time to turn it up a notch I'm realizing that if I am going to be a parent I need to be tested to my limits. In the past I would break if I worked more than 25 hours or so. So I did it I got another part time job I work now 6 days a week total Monday 2 hours, Tuesday through Thursday 4 or so hours split up with a lunch after two hours only because I'm calling businesses and they will be on a lunch hour then Friday and Saturday I have my 8 hours each at Evergreen. I will be busy and it may get tough but I also feel like now is as good of a time as any to see what I'm made of. I will have the money I need to move on and take care of us and get us out of this crappy place we live in. We should have enough to get a decent two bedroom apartment and it still may be a long shot still but we could also try this spring or summer to file for foster adoption they may turn us down depending on how picky they want to be about how long I've been working and our stability etc but I can't play the what if game anymore we just have to go for it and see what happens. If it works GREAT a dream is coming true if not we try again when we can fix a few things. I had a dream to go to school but right now this is more pressing and important time is ticking if we want to be parents. I feel excited actually for this next phase in both our lives.

Same old same old with a twist

Life has been going on pretty much like usual nothing exciting really happens but actually that's the way I like it. I am pretty content when things are toned down and low key. I've been noticing some things that are worth mentioning first off I am looking at three months now just about with my job. It's still going well I am earning commissions in fact I just made up for the weekend pay I am losing by taking this upcoming weekend off so that's really nice. I also have earned another 25 dollars in Walmart gift cards so that's fun too. I love this job for the most part everyone has rough days and I have too but overall I like it. That's the other thing worth mentioning I have been able to notice when my anxiety kicks in and triggers a fight or flight response and my instinct is to run even from this job because that had been my pattern but I have been able to fight that. It's not easy and has taken all I have but I have been able to control it now and that feels amazing. I know that if we want to move forward in our lives that I can't run. I can't run when things get hard or stressful so things are calming down and I feel great about that. Damian is so intelligent I'm impressed. He was going to study for three years computer stuff at SCC but just for fun he took a sample A+ certification test online which covers computer tech stuff that he was going to be studying anyway and he pretty much knew a lot of it already so we decided that it would be a lot more cost effective to get an A+ certification book and study guide for about 50 bucks and have him study that on his own. When he is ready he will take the two tests which are about 150 bucks a piece and then take it from there. He doesn't want to work in a fancy office or for a large corporation that would be too much for him he would be happy as a clam working in a computer store fixing computers all day and tinkering like he does now but he would be getting paid. We think this may be a better cost effective thing to go for and to try. I'm willing to hold off on school just long enough for him to try and do this anyway I don't hate my job and to be honest not including commissions which if you include the ones from this month will equal to about 250 dollars since I have started I am making about 400 dollars less than what I would have been making full time at minimum wage. That's not bad for working two days a week 16 hours a week. I'm learning that some days are going to be rough and that some days will be just crappy but that happens at every job overall though I like what I do, I like the people I work with, I am happy working here and I am going to be doing this for a little while.

Ode to my 5-HTP

This post is for the pills I have that literally gave me my life back. It's amazing what I can accomplish with a clear head that's not going a mile a minute and I'm not rushing around all flustered and freaking out. 5-HTP is not addictive I don't need very much of it I usually take 100 mg every day which is one pill but I have safely taken up to 2 if I am going to be in an extremely stressful situation. I don't experience any side effects and in fact I feel more like myself. I am not so anxious, flustered, angry, demanding etc and all the good things about myself are able to shine through. I'm able to succeed in my life thanks to a small pill and I'm grateful for that. I will always have to battle anxiety and 5-HTP isn't a cure but it certainly does help it does what all the other anti anxiety medications do but without the expense and side effects. I am also grateful a friend of mine was able to get me 150 pills at Costco for what 60 would have cost me at Walmart. I am so grateful for that. She's noticing and so is everyone else what I am like on them and the difference is like night and day and it's pretty wonderful. One a side note I made 2,400 already in sales for the month of August I hope to keep them coming so that my September check can be just as nice. Thanks for support as I battle my anxiety General Anxiety Disorder is difficult to overcome as everything can give me a panic attack. I am grateful that I don't have to feel that anymore I don't dry heave or start flipping out I don't feel my chest tightening and pounding so fast I can hardly breathe. I don't miss feeling all this I don't miss feeling anxious and paranoid as if the whole world was out to get me. I can feel happy and confident and all that good stuff instead. 5-HTP is not the answer for everyone but for me it's been a life saver and a god send and I'm grateful I have it.

Milestone

I had extra cause to celebrate today beside the fact that work is going extremely well let's put it to you this way I'm not bragging but I needed 8 leads set for the weekend and I got ten but this is the longest I have held down a job in the last several years. I am so grateful for my best friend Chris for introducing me to the 5-HTP thanks to her I have my life back and I am feeling better than I have in a long long time. My life is starting to go well again and I'm starting to get untangled one thing at a time. It feels great to be doing so well at work and to really love what I'm doing and the work environment that is huge for me. Chris is having a rough time we seem to go rounds sometimes but it felt good to actually be able to have enough when I got paid today to help her a little with gas and treat her to dinner we went to Safeway where she got some Chinese and I got some chicken and jo jos. It's the least I can do for all the running around she has done for me and the times she has taken me out and treated me although we don't ever ever keep score. We talked and caught up and she took me grocery shopping at Winco. You know it was fun though she and I had a race up one of the wide aisles and we helped each other make a icky chore like shopping for food kinda sorta fun. She has done a lot for me over the years and it felt wonderful to be able to give something back to her. I am also so excited because I made an extra 105 dollars in bonus for the month of July that was from the commission of sales made from the appointments I set. Now that I am starting to cruise it's a goal of mine to try and make more. I still have money left after all has been set aside and that is a wonderful feeling too. I feel very very blessed and fortunate that things are going well and that I can help someone else even in a small way the way I have been helped along the way.

Perspective and Progress

I have been thinking lately about how much my perspective on things and what's important has changed how much I have changed. This last year has been a roller coaster it was around this time that I had a nagging feeling something was wrong with Damian he would do something and he would sweat profusely and he would get beat red. It was around Labor Day that he finally did go and get his lab results after he had what we found out later from talking to his doctor was a very mild heart attack. It was shortly after that we were there when his doctor told him he would die if he kept going the way he was going and it would be quickly. I remember how I felt and I remember thinking a couple of things first being guilt for I had helped put them there it was our unhealthy habits that contributed to this. I also remember feeling scared that I could actually lose the love of my life and my soul mate and in that instant life was put into it's proper perspective material things are nice but they don't matter status doesn't matter fake friends and fair weather friends who only want a party don't matter. What matters is the loved ones in our lives the people who truly love us and are there for us through everything not just when life is a party. What matters is our families, our dear friends and even ourselves. We matter it was during this time of upheaval that Damian and I discovered this it was like a wake up call. We learned that it was time we stopped enabling bad behavior and encouraging the good. We learned that we matter and that our emotional health matters and that we are worth it. We learned who we can count on and who we can't, we learned that change isn't easy but it's worth it if you want to live. In a year we have accomplished a lot Damian is still alive and while he is on medications still his doctor has not added any others and his cholesterol has jumped from over 400 to about half that so that is very good progress. He can do things now without getting so red and sweaty the only way he gets red now is if he has been in the sun. He has dropped 60 lbs and is doing well most importantly he is still alive and with me and that I am so truly thankful for. He also can actually hike a little bit now with his brother as they do their geo caching and he is discovering that he can change his attitudes, behaviors and that he is not powerless he can empower himself and change what he doesn't like and that he can do something about it. I have grown as well I am overcoming my anxiety and making great progress as I am working now at a job I love, I am trying to finish college as I feel ready now for the next new exciting phase of my life. I am not comfortable anymore just sitting stagnant. I have gained a proper perspective on my life, my mental well being and I'm fighting hard to overcome what has hindered my life and my progress. I had to take careful stock of the people in my life and it was not easy but necessary I had to get rid of negativity and people who only wanted a party or wanted to suck every bit of energy out of my being. I had to keep those in my life who uplifted me and were behind me even to the point of sometimes showing a little "tough" love. It's because of them and their love that I too have made some drastic changes. I'm still changing and am far from perfect but progress is being made. I went from not caring what I put into my body I could consume a family size Papa Murphy's pizza all by myself plus other things all in one night to now taking a second look. I am more active although I'm still needing to work on that but I am moving more. I have lost 3 sizes and 32lbs or so. I am feeling great I'm feeling vibrant I'm feeling alive and more than that instead of being a scared people pleaser I am learning to become a strong vibrant compassionate but confident woman. I would not wish the news we got onto anyone but at the same time we are thankful for all the change and perspective we have gained and what has taken place. This was our wakeup call this was our catalyst for change so in that instance I would not take it back we are just grateful that God chose to give us this chance and that it was not too late.

Everyone has an opinion

I just love how just as I get my life back on track and I'm doing well that some people in my life have loud opinions about what I'm doing, how I'm doing etc. That's fine everyone is entitled to their opinion but for the first time in years I'm feeling good doing good etc so I'm fine just as I am leave me alone. I LOVE my job I LOVE that I work enough to earn money for what I need and that it's just enough hours to pay my bills but not too much that I get burned out. I love my work environment and am the happiest I've been working in a long time. Will I do it the rest of my life most likely not but I'm good where I am leave me alone. I love that I will be able to go back to school and focus on that and work on the weekend so I really feel that I was led to this job. It's also just enough to let me test the waters as anxiety had paralyzed my life for a long time and I'm now getting it all untangled and sorted out again. I am building self confidence as I'm able to work at a job I love and I'm good at. I just earned a 15 dollar card to Walmart with the possibility to earn more. I have been at my job about 6 weeks now and I'm able to get the leads I need every week plus I have been able to earn a little bit of bonus money. I'm not bragging I'm just saying that I'm good at what I am doing so leave me be. Call center work is not for everyone appointment setting is not for everyone but it works for me I am good at it and I'm doing well so leave it be. I have a plan now for my life I'm letting myself be led by Heavenly Father as he leads me along the path I need to take. My path is different from yours and that's okay we are all here for different reasons so you can voice your opinion all you want but it won't make a difference. I feel strongly that this is where I need to be at this point in my life it may change as my circumstances change but right now this is where I need to be to accomplish what I need to grow and to learn as a person.

My first flight, the fourth and other things

Sorry it's been a little bit I wanted to blog right away but the last couple of weeks have been a blur. First things first I got to experience my first airplane flight ever. My family had a reunion in Hillsboro OR over the fourth of July weekend and since I am new to my job which is still going well I had to join them Sunday morning. The fastest way was to fly to say that I was nervous was an understatement even with my 5-HTP but I survived. It was pretty awesome actually takeoff is my favorite. It was a wonderful experience being with my family and talking to them and watching old home movies. We also had a hum dinger of a fireworks show on the fourth of July. It was pretty wonderful to spend the weekend with good company, good food and great fireworks. I feel pretty grateful to have such a large extended family. Sometimes we don't all agree on something but at the same time when things get tough or get hard we are there for each other and I think that's what really counts. It was heart warming to witness our family pulling together to be there for my grandparents who are in the twilight of our lives. The next big thing that happened pretty much after this excitement is that Damian's sister Angela and her husband Randall and two children decided to make a visit. They live in California and they took the train up here. I don't know why it's been so long but that doesn't matter what matters is that they are here now. Ella is almost three and she is a very smart little girl she is still a little delayed and sometimes she is hard to understand but she is gaining quickly. She loves cars, Dora, Mickey Mouse, being tickled and cuddled on her terms of course. She is slow to warm up to you but once she does she has a heart warming smile and a wonderful giggle. I am so grateful this little one survived the beginning part of her life and being born so small she had a rough go of it her first few months. Then there is Cub(Jacob) their foster son we don't know yet what the future holds for him if we will be able to keep him. He is a bundle of energy if we could only harness his power we could have enough to give electricity to I don't know how many people. He has to always go go go and he never walks he RUNS. He also eats well and he will stop to snuggle or climb on your lap. He loves snuggles and he warms up to you very fast especially if you play cars with him, let him play with a cell phone or if you play any other kind of games with him. He also has an infectious smile and giggle. I love this little boy I can see why he has wiggled his way into their hearts. I really hope that they can adopt him they will know soon his mother is running out of time to get her act together. It's been a whirlwind of a few days but it's been fun. I love being an aunt it's been one of the best experiences of my life and in many ways it's been preparing me for what motherhood will be like. I don't know yet what Heavenly Father has in store for me there but my PCOS symptoms are slowly getting better so who knows miracles do in fact happen. If not we are getting our lives in order to adopt. We don't know when that will be our lives were a huge huge mess but we are working on it. We just choose to walk with faith do what we need to do to get our lives untangled and whatever Heavenly Father wants to give us will be what is right for us. We are choosing to walk with faith right now wherever our path may lead.

A find!!!!

Today was payday and in addition to paying my bills and other things I found something that I am so fortunate to find. I was given back in the mid 90's a tape of Woman at the Well. I LOVED that tape I knew all the songs I wore it out. The songs gave me chills especially one "Close Enough to Touch." I felt like the songs had been written just for me. Well I had been hunting but couldn't find it until today. I found the MP3 downloads for 9.99 on I Tunes so after telling Damian about it and doing our math with his blessing I got it. I have listened to it twice already tonight. I am so grateful those songs are just as powerful now than then when I was a teenager. I still get chills and I know the Savior lives and he loves us all. Kenneth Cope was inspired to write such beautiful music focusing on the women in the New Testament. I can't get over how wonderful and uplifting it is. I am so happy I have it again and this time I won't let it out of my site it's getting burned onto a CD or two now. I am so so happy to have found this. I wanted to share my favorite song the video isn't anything to look at but it's the words that matter anyway.

It's on like Donkey Kong

Tonight I am a very proud sister. I am so proud of my little sister Gwynne and her decision tonight to walk and attend her graduation ceremony from Spokane Community College. I know it's only a small stepping stone in her education but she earned that degree. Let me put it to you this way it took her about 3 years or so but she also worked full time, went to school full time and had to take intermittent time off to have two babies. Yet she finished and so I'm so proud of her. She is a wonderful role model for her two young girls who were there tonight despite the late hour to watch their mom and cheer for her. She doesn't realize it but she has taught them a wonderful lesson tonight. She has taught them that it's okay to not only be beautiful but to be intelligent, articulate, independent and strong women who stand for what is right. She has taught them to keep going no matter what obstacles may stand in their way and she has taught them to go for their dreams and to follow their hearts. She has inspired me and she issued me a challenge tonight in two years when she gets her BA she wants to celebrate my getting my AA. I decided I want to finish what I started it may have taken longer but that's okay I learned life lessons I really needed to learn. I will get it and then I want to go on to get a BA in Early Childhood. I decided the AAS in that was not going to be good enough. I am going to go for it so she spoke my language I can do this and I won't let my little sis get the best of me lol. It's on like Donkey Kong now and we are going to have one heck of a celebration when I do.

AWESOME!!!!!

I LOVE not having anxiety and now I have learned to let go and let God work in my life. I am saying this because years ago I applied for the company I am working for now, I got the interview but no job. I was bummed but now I am so grateful because you see if I had tried to get it then my anxiety would have gotten the better of me, defeated me and that bridge would have been forever burnt. Now by waiting until my anxiety is being conquered I have an amazing job with amazing pay and I'm rocking it. I'm getting the appointments set that I need to to keep my job. I feel great I feel amazing and I feel truly humbled that I have a loving Father who knows me, sees the whole picture and will work miracles in my life as long as I continue to let him. He wants me to succeed and do well it's only when I got in the way of that that everything got all mucked up. I truly feel so blessed and loved right now. I feel better than I have in many years because now I have gotten all that crap and junk out of my life and out of my head. I can just focus on being my awesome amazing self not that I'm being conceited but what I mean is that I can just be who I am meant to be. I don't need to waste anymore time and anymore of my life trying to be someone I'm not trying to please people who are impossible to please. I can get my life untangled and who knows what other awesome amazing things are in store for me once I do.

My own well being

Things have come to my attention lately that I feel I need to clarify. It was not my intention when I wrote about the bullying to imply that there weren't people in my life who were loving and kind because there was. I wrote that simply to free myself from the negativity that does exist and to perhaps help people understand the harm that allowing someone to be bullied causes. Parts of my self were taken from me when I was denied the right to simply be who I am as a person. I needed to claim that back so I could move forward with my life and be a success. Wonderful things had come my way before but I would self consciously sabotage myself based on what had been drummed into my head for so many years that I wasn't good enough. I had to break that for my life to continue in a more positive path and direction. I got a wonderful call center job now making good money and I will like it there a lot I can tell already. I will not sabotage myself now because I feel I earned my position there and I will do whatsoever is in my power to keep it. I can have the confidence to say that now and to believe it and prove myself. It may mean that I can't attend certain things especially out of town events since I work Friday and Saturday at the moment until I can earn their respect and gain more hours which is a definite possibility. Until then I have to do what it takes to take care of my family and myself even if it means I can't go to things I want to. I have learned now that that anxiety is under control that sometimes that's what it means to be an adult. I have been given this chance and I'm not going to blow it. Who knows I may turn this into a permanent thing if they can give me full time. I'm not going to turn down 12.50 an hour that's decent money. This may not be the path that some may choose for me or want for me but it's not about them it's about what is right for me and my family. I love my loved ones dearly I really do and I appreciate all of you and your impact on my life sometimes though you just have to take care of yourself.

This last weekends events

This weekend has been stressful to say the least but at least it is over. The highlight of the weekend was being able to visit with a distant cousin of Damian's who came over with his mom from Port Angeles for a T.O.P.S Regional Conference thing. In case you are wondering TOPS stands for Taking Off Pounds Sensibly. It was awesome to talk to him and laugh with him although he is a distant cousin he is right around Damian's age but anyway. The rest of the weekend was spent helping Damian's aunt Joy move over to the Auburn area. That was really stressful because it had to be done in a little over a day to a day and a half and not only was anything not packed but she literally did a lot of sitting around whining at us about it. That does not get it done. By the end of Sunday we all wanted to kill her I think. I ran out of my 5-HTP too and that was not good. It is not habit forming and I am able to wean off my dosage but I am learning I need it at least once every other day I need some in my system. I've learned that I can get downright hostile and mean if I don't. Last night I was about ready to frikken kill someone until Dad helped take me to Walmart so I could get some more. The good news is that no one got hurt and I calmed right down. I also realized how much my head hurt and body hurt because it had been put into a fight or flight situation. I don't know what I can do about that I guess since I have been told I have General Anxiety Disorder or whatever it is called my body will do that on occasion if I don't keep at least something in my system in my case 5-HTP. I'm so thankful that I found something that worked though otherwise my fight or flight syndrome I like to call it can last for weeks if not months and that was not good for my body at all. I have also added meditation and relaxation techniques but they don't work as well without any kind of added help. It does feel amazing to feel like I have a handle on this now though and that I can stay in control. For a long time especially before this was diganosed I felt like I was going crazy or something for feeling this way. Let's just hope there are more relaxing moments ahead.

An interesting thought

I wanted to share a thought that a friend of mine and I had the other day we were talking about the past reminiscing a little. We talked about how our choices then influenced our future in good and not so good ways. We pondered what would have happened had we been able to take the knowledge that we had now to ourselves back then. We also realized that would have been a disaster altering the path of our lives in terrible ways. Good or bad our choices shape us as does the events and people that come into our life. Everything that happens no matter how painful is not wasted it is to help us learn and gain knowledge. Every person that comes into our life even for a brief time has something to teach us or we need to teach them something. I didn't enjoy working at that crappy call center Venture Data although I made the best of it but had I not worked there for as long as I did I wouldn't have met a couple of people who I needed. One is a dear friend to this day and I needed her counsel and wisdom. Another was a kind loving man who lived his life with gusto and passion who always had a smile and a kind word seeing humor in even the toughest of situations. He reminded me so much of my dad unfortunately this dear man lost his battle with cancer a few months ago but for a few years my life was better because I knew him. He made working in the boring mundane call center almost fun with his jokes, lively stories and antics. I almost didn't work there but now my life has been blessed because I did. That has been the same in many things in my life everyone and everything has been brought to me for a reason or a purpose no matter how painful the result. Even the events or people who brought me pain were for my good and I am grateful for them in that I was able to learn.

A commitment to myself

I have been on quite a roller coaster this past year or so in some ways I have come so far and in others I have a long way to go still. I started on a journey to lose weight and well I haven't necessarily done that yet although I have gone from a size 30 to a size 24 so I'm pleased about that. No I haven't done what I have set out to do yet but I have done more. I have learned about myself, I'm learning what makes me tick as a person. I'm learning that I will give someone the shirt off my back before I take care of myself and that sometimes I have to put me first especially when it comes to my emotional or physical health. I have started to learn how to eat better, keep myself mentally healthy and happy and to get some physical activity into my life. I have a way to go still but considering where I started I'm well on my way. What started out as a journey simply to lose weight has now become something more it has become a commitment to myself. It has become a symbol of my new self a self where I can give myself permission to be happy and healthy and strong. I have been learning that it's okay to speak up for what I want and that I have the right to live my life and make my own choices. I'm learning that eating right isn't about deprivation it is about choosing to fuel your body with the best fuel possible I'm learning that exercise doesn't have to be drudgery and I'm learning that laughter is good medicine friends are a wonderful asset to have and that it's important to be grateful and count your blessings. I'm learning to get back into balance as a person and to not allow myself to get out of balance again and that no matter how much I may want to help and I want to be there for someone it's not worth putting myself in jeopardy and out of balance. I'm learning that I am happier when I am in balance and everything is in place.

A day that will live in infamy for the rest of my life....

Today has hit me kinda hard I was doing fine bebopping along living my life in a fairly decent mood when all of a sudden like a ton of heavy bricks I started missing my dad. I started thinking about the day he was taken from us how can I not I was there I can tell you to this day every detail, every sound metal crushing, his final yell as he took his last breath, the sounds of the paramedics and ambulances as we were all taken to the hospital. It's there it's embedded in my brain and I think it always will be until I can figure out how to get it out. I know missing him won't bring him back that's why for the most part I focus on being happy and living my life that's what he would want. Today though is one of those rare days well that and several days in the month of June that have significance where I just want to remember him and take a moment to pause and honor his memory. He was an amazing man who loved people including his family we had a lot of fun times together hanging out. He loved all of us very much we could all feel it and he would make time for us, nothing was too small for him and even a little girl had something important to say. I loved that about him he would listen to my concerns no matter how big or small they seemed. In a short 10 years he taught me a life time of lessons among them:
How to treat others as you would want to be treated
Listen to and respect people
Do your best you are not a failure until you fail to keep trying
Be Honest with yourself and your fellow human beings
Live your life with gusto, smile laugh be happy and try to make others feel happy too.
Thanks Dad for giving me life and for living yours in a way that I could learn from you. You are greatly loved and greatly missed.

Back on track

I have realized that ever so slowly I let myself get complacent again about my health and I can not afford to do that. Damian's health scare really scared me too and I saw my body and health in a new way. It started off being out of fear that I started my journey to eating better etc but now I think it's becoming more than that. I was letting myself go again I won't lie I'm only human but then I realized something I lost my spunk I lost my energy. I want to get that back I want to learn to not ban certain foods I used to love from my house but add them into what I now eat. I want to learn moderation and I know I can do it. I fell off so to speak but now I realize why I wasn't giving myself permission to be healthy and strong. I also have learned that if I can get a handle on this and get my body to be healthier and stronger I may be able to help my PCOS and who knows what may happen as a result. I'm a little scared honesty as I make my transformation I have never been a skinny person well not since I was a little girl but I can do this. I can't afford to quit on myself the weather has been better I have no excuse now I must get going on this journey again I have my health riding on this it's not just a vanity issue.

A Small Difference

I have always felt a desire to make a difference in this world and in someone's life. Sometimes it seems like a daunting impossible task and it could be sometimes but I also have learned what my limitations are. I can't do everything and I can't be there for everyone but I can do what I can and give what I can. I feel uplifted to know that I am succeeding I am touching the lives of people some I didn't even know. My support group has been such a blessing in my life I started it to help and I have but in return these ladies have become a blessing in my life as well. I love this little story I found years and years ago and it sums up exactly how I feel.

It Made a Difference!!

One day a man was walking along a beach. The sun was shining and it was a beautiful day.

Off in the distance he could see a young boy going back and forth between the surf's edge and and the beach.

Back and forth the boy went.

As the man approached, he could see that there were hundreds of starfish stranded on the sand as the result of the natural action of the tide.

The man was stuck by the the apparent futility of the task. There were far too many starfish. Many of them were sure to die.

As he approached, the boy continued the task of picking up starfish one by one and throwing them back into the sea.

As he came up to the boy he said, "You must be crazy ! There are thousands of miles of beach covered with starfish. You can't possibly make a difference."

The boy looked at the man. He then bent down and picked up one more starfish, and threw it back into the sea. He turned back to the man and said,

"But it made a difference to that one"

Birthday Fun

I had a wonderful 31st birthday I have such caring family and friends. My actual birthday was pretty low key but Saturday the 30th was a lot of fun. Myself and a few friends went to The Dockside Restaurant at the Coeur D' Alene Resort for desert. I had a Huckleberry milkshake and it was wonderful. We had a good time visiting a little and I have caring friends who know me and got me some new books to add to my collection. I read one already and it was wonderful I can't wait to read the others. I also got to add the 5 hour mini series version of Pride and Prejudice to my DVD collection. It was a wonderful day spent with wonderful loving people. I love being in my 30's I'm more comfortable in my skin and with who I am as a person. I'm more comfortable with who is in my life and am able to relax and be who I truly am.

The side effects of being bullied

This is the hardest post I think I will ever write but it is time I have to let this all out, it's the only way to move on and move past what all has happened. Part of my soul searching has been to figure out why I have had a hard time moving forward to good things in my life and I had a nightmare a few nights ago that helped me figure it out. I was back on the school yards as a child being picked on mercilessly and it was going unchecked until I had finally had enough and screamed at them for it all to stop. This helped me tremendously but let me start at the beginning. I was picked on from a very early age beginning in Kindergarten I was going to school a few blocks away from my babysitter's house, a kind woman who watched other children besides her own. She had put older children in charge as we walked to school but they abused such power and teased me something fierce. They had even stolen my new loafer as it fell off running off with it after I lost a game of keep away. I had to walk back wet, cold and humiliated finding some relief with my babysitter as she made things right. This was a bad omen of things to come as every year after that kids in my class would bully me on the play ground even in front of the aides. When I told I was the one in trouble as they said that I needed to stop tattling and that kids would just be kids so I quickly learned to just keep my mouth shut and tolerate it the best I could. They were so cruel breaking my spirit and resolve. I wanted to cry and sometimes I did a tear or two but soon I learned to keep even that inside as that just seemed to give them fuel. In the second and third grade things got worse as I had learned to ignore them. In class they were sweet and nice but out on the school yard they turned on me and I was not about to buy it for a second so I refused to deal with them. This earned me some nasty judgments and remarks from my teachers as once again I was punished. This continued with little relief for a few more years until the fourth grade. FINALLY, not only did I find a good friend who stood up for me and still does to this day (I love you Chrissy you are awesome) but the school aides refused to say that kids would be kids and they put a stop to anything they saw that was out of line. My teacher was also so kind and amazing teaching us that we may not like one another but we would learn to get along. When our accident happened she had told the class and they were kind enough to get me small gifts and even make sympathy cards which my teacher and principal brought to me at my dad's funeral. I was so happy that they had come. The fifth grade was more of the same as the fourth and I left elementary school happy. However, bullying continued some more well into all three years of middle school with only pockets of relief here and there someone even threw a rock at me but don't worry he got several months of cafeteria duty (my suggestion as that was the nastiest job the school had at the time as we loved food fights and sticking gum on and under the tables). I could have pressed assault charges as the vice principal would have done anything I wanted but he didn't cause much damage so he got what was coming to him having to clean up. My freshman year in high school was the last year such things happened to me thankfully as to be honest my self confidence and resolve were shattered I believed everything they said to me. The saying sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt me is not true at all those words hurt worse than a million lashes. My spirit was broken and all the confidence I had in myself and the gifts and talents I was given from my birth I doubted and hid. They had taught me that I was nothing and I believed them. Even friends I met in high school who loved me and literally protected me couldn't entirely undo the damage that had been done. I still was scared to let anyone see who I was inside although they could coax out glimpses. It's been until now that I am trying to be the real authentic me and I am 31 years old this has been going on since I was five. I see now that I am intelligent, sweet, honest, kind, determined, loyal, loving and other wonderful things despite being a little on the big side. I can be who I am and I am trying to learn to forgive them and myself so I can move forward from all this pain and move on in my journey. It is too late for me but bullying need not continue it causes so much pain and some kids even kill themselves or others as a result that need not happen. Stand up for what is right stand up for someone being hurt and don't pass judgment. You can't know what someone is going through until you have walked in their shoes. You can be kind and empathetic and reach out a hand and don't judge someone who has had more than they can stand and they just explode. I have been there myself and I know how that feels you literally reach a point where you feel like fine no one will help me then I will just take care of this myself. Bullies can not take on everyone they are cowards by nature so just take a stand and have a no tolerance policy. Stand up for the kid who is picked last and put down. Teach that love and tolerance are not weakness and that while it's okay to not personally like anyone that it is not okay to put someone else down. The teachers and other adults who came to my aide have my undying gratitude and respect for standing up for what is right and for teaching others the same. I think now that I have let this out I think I can start to heal now although it will take some time because precious parts of me were stolen and taken away but I will get there. I will pray for the ability to forgive and move forward and part of it is letting it out. I was keeping it all inside me like a dirty secret and it has been hard to be so honest in such a public forum but it does feel good too therapeutic in a way. It was necessary so I could move forward in my life and recapture what was taken so I can fulfill my life's work with the special gifts and abilities that I was given.

Not trying to sound selfish but

As I have been refocusing my life and trying to get back on track I have seen a pattern in my life I have noticed that when I have been too overly concerned about what everyone else is doing or thinks I have veered off course but when I have focused my attention on the path I need to take and doing what I need to do then I have done better. That being said I am not trying to be selfish at all but right now I will be focusing on myself and getting back on course so I can take care of the responsibilities present and hopefully future that have been given to me so I can take care of business. I still will love and care for those in my care but that's as far as I will go. Your opinions are your opinions and your advice is your advice but don't get too upset if I choose not to follow it I must follow my own path and my own inner voice if I'm going to succeed. We got our road maps in hand now and we know which road we now need to get back on and what works for us won't work for you always but that's okay. I have learned now that instead of being overly concerned about what everyone else says or thinks about my life and choices that I must do what I feel is right and follow my own inner voice. It's time I live my life and carry out what I was sent on this Earth to do and become instead of being worried about what everyone else thinks I should do or whatever. I'm realizing as I have been soul searching that I am stronger than I think I am, I was blessed with gifts and talents that if used well will lead to success. It's time now for me to harness my energy and strengths and use them for my benefit and to benefit those around me. In essence it's time I left fear behind and realize my own purpose and destiny and with road map in hand and my faith, loved ones and my trusty 5-HTP I plan on doing just that.

Warrior Woman Poem I found

This poem inspired me as I read it I hope it may do the same for you please take time to comment and share if it does I am going to try again to let the words of this poem course through me as I am moved again to action. I got knocked down but I must not accept defeat I must keep moving forward and keep trying again and again for as long as it takes.

Warrior Woman Has Fully Awoken!




This woman has been kind, gentle,
and has much love,
All of this has been given with
the blessing of the Great Spirit above,
But Great Spirit gave her something
else and she didn't know it...
The Great Spirit gave her
the blessing of being a warrior woman
as now her light is lit!

This warrior woman has come
fully alive today,
She is no longer anyone's slave or prey,
She is taking back her life today,
And those who know who she truly is,
can stay.
No longer will she live the lives of others,
She will give back the blames and responsibilities of others
where it belongs,
For she also has the bear and wolf inside her,
which is now so very powerful
and uniquely strong.


The warrior woman now knows what road she must follow,
For others it will be to hard to swallow.
Her life was taken from her unknowingly many years ago,
And this warrior woman is taking back her life before the next winds blow.

Oh Sister Moon you give me the strength
as a warrior woman to conquer what's on my path,
high above and way beneath,
and the much needed strength to take on the wrath.

This warrior woman is fully awakened and is taking a stand,
taking the problems by the horns with my hand.
I will conquer all that is there,
all and who comes as they dare.

Warrior woman has fully awoken,
and many will see that they were mistaken
in robbing her of her life.
They as a thief, Warrior woman will conquer
and have no grief!

This warrior woman will protect her people, her son,
and those who need her.
If anyone hurts them, look out!
They will hear a GGGGGGRRRRRRRRR,
As they run and shout!

This warrior woman is taking back her life,
taking back the respect that was taken from her
throughout the years ever so slow.
This warrior woman is removing pain and hurt from within the heart
caused by the knife,
from all those who are both family and foe.

I am claiming what's mine, and my dignity,
From those who live in this society of vanity.
I am claiming back in full my heritage.
And as a warrior woman, I am going to clean up
many years of carnage.

For now standing in front of you,
you see this warrior woman... you see me.
Someone special has taught me to be free,
From this day forward for me no more slavery...
Gentleness, kindness, and love is part of me, and so is my dignity.
This is NOT WEAKNESS, as others believe.
But this strength is within me and within you.

I will listen to the spirits and grow,
I will travel in the whispering winds as they blow.
All the work I now do will be for Our People and all nations,
I will protect and guide the future generations.

Now it is time for me to travel on my new path,
As a warrior woman conquering all wrath.
If you ever see and want to meet me,
Please come, and I will also teach and share with you how to be free.


Poem copyright © Lady J-Ann

Re focusing

I have been realizing after some personal reflection that I have been going backward in my journey of self discovery and enlightenment. I was doing well and moving in a forward and positive direction it scared me so I sabotaged myself and now my life is a mess again. This time however I will have to just fix it no one else can do it for me it is up to me it is my life and I must take control of it. I will start by reminding myself of a few key things.
1) I am a daughter of Heavenly Father and as such he loves me and will be with me as I faithfully seek out my purpose and mission in life.
2) As said daughter of God I am beautiful and have special talents and attributes that contribute to my completing what I was sent here to do. I was given qualities that are wonderful and unique and I must not be afraid to let them shine for the world to see.
3) I must be true to who I really am inside of me not being afraid of what others say think or do. I must be confident and strong as I live my life and walk my path.
4) I am not alone in my journey I have those who love me and encourage me along the way and I am worthy of their love and affection.
5) I deserve happiness, love, friendship, success and every other good thing in this world and I must remind myself of this as I strive to move forward so I do not keep making these same errors as they are in part contributing to my anxieties and stress.
6) I can overcome trauma and terror as I let myself heal from the inside out hanging on just harms me I must let go and forgive to be whole.
7) I can learn to relinquish control to a higher power than myself as I learn to humbly follow and accept the path that I am asked to take not begging to know ahead of time where it may lead.

Autism awareness Month

I was reminded today what this month is and it's something near and dear to me because of my husband it's Autism Awareness Month. I will be perfectly honest it has not been roses being married to someone who is on the autism spectrum but every second has been worth it. Autism is a challenge because it has so many varying degrees and symptoms and Damian's has been hard because while it is slight it is there and it affects him. He has had people accuse him of lying and making it up but I have been married to him 11 years this June he is autistic. Let me explain how it works and this is part of his brain chemistry it is part of who he is and how he is wired so don't just tell him he can learn to get over it. Some things he has been trying to and has had some success and some things he can't so we have learned to work with them. He has to have things labeled and in a certain place and he is frantic if they are not. He has to know what is going on at all times and gets upset if his routine and or schedule are interrupted. He has a hard time with social interactions and social ques although he is more verbal than some autistic people are. He is highly intelligent and has the uncanny ability to memorize numbers as well as learn about technology and computers. Just for an instance all his computer knowledge which is in fact quite vast is ALL self taught. He has a hard time understanding how his actions, words etc affect other people although he can understand how they affect him. He has to work slowly and deliberately and he HATES too much noise and or commotion and stimulation it really does upset him. Now that's his limitations and his abilities I would now like to focus on how we have been working with what we have. He has learned to just label the spines of our DVD's with a number so that way we can identify ours and keep track of them but it's not tacky. He also has used this talent to sort things and learn to keep things more neat instead of all over the place. We now go over our day once in the morning and once at night for the next day so he knows what is coming. If things have to change we need to let him know as soon as possible it really upsets him if he doesn't know and you just spring something on him surprises really bother him. We are working with him about what is socially acceptable and that not everyone gets his humor and that he can hurt someone's feelings. We are also working on what is appropriate conversation and what is not. He's making a lot of progress especially since his counselor Kim is an expert with autism she has been a god send in our lives as she has educated the both of us. We now use a loving but firm approach with Damian when he is doing something that is inappropriate and we gently but firmly redirect his behavior in a more positive direction. He and I have developed a code word for when he is being inappropriate so he knows he needs to go another way but is not embarrassed. We also have a code word in place for when he has had enough stimuli and has to leave and we have learned to politely excuse ourselves and let him retreat before he gets frantic. He has been learning to slowly increase his speed but keep his attention to detail and he is working hard getting into a computer school so he can channel all his knowledge into a career that he will love. All in all autism is a challenge and our marriage has not been easy but I love him so much. He is worth it he is worth learning what we can cope with and what we can work with and tweak a little. He is worth standing beside as he learns for himself more about his disorder as he was not educated about it at all growing up he was just tossed aside as if he was worthless. People with autism may walk funny as they like to rock sometimes, they may even talk funny as some are not very verbal but they are all wonderful children of Heavenly Father and they deserve the same love, compassion and understanding as anyone else. It is worth it to get to know them because once you can get them to feel comfortable around you and they let you into their world and they trust you it feels amazing. Damian's child like love and faith is amazing and I feel so honored to know that his heart is mine forever. He makes the challenges and hard times worth it.

The results of my cleaning

We are almost done cleaning out our bedroom closet we only have one big box left. I'm so proud of me I can't believe how wonderful I feel right now having all that stuff gone. In the process I consolidated a big plastic tote of my childhood and high school memories into one small tote. That was really hard but it was worth it. I had to take an honest look at myself and who I was back then through the sporadic journals I kept and the poetry I wrote. It really was an eye opener oh my gosh I couldn't believe what I had wrote and how I acted. I would have honestly smacked me if I could go back in time. It was hard to realize that but now that I have I'm more determined to act more like a grown up, put on my big girl pants and do whatever it is that I have to do. By the way as part of my cleansing I got rid of all that stuff I wouldn't normally advocate throwing away stuff like a poetry books and journals but mine really weren't worth reading. I was negative, clingy and whiny and you know no wonder a lot of things didn't pan out the way that I wanted it to. I wouldn't have wanted to spend a lot of time with me either acting that way. I'm so thankful for this experience though so I could really see where I had started and where I am now. The difference is like night and day and I'm so thankful for the life I'm trying to live now and where I'm trying to go.

Emotional and Physical Cleansing

Damian and I started being brutally honest as we literally began really deep cleansing our space. We got rid of a bunch of stuff last night about 10 card board boxes with and we are just scratching the surface. It was hard at first but it did feel good as we did it we have a more usable space and we also discovered something else we also felt better emotionally we hadn't realized how much all our clutter and junk was just suffocating us. We are getting ready for a new phase in our lives a phase where we can cram our stuff into a one bedroom and be comfortable in it. We want to save a two bedroom when we can afford one for a child not as an expensive storage unit. We may get a small tiny 5x5 storage unit just for seasonal stuff such as Christmas and summer stuff like camping gear but that's it. We are realizing that we don't need more stuff we don't use or need on a daily basis we need a clean comfortable inviting living space. We both have anxiety and we weren't realizing that all our clutter and stuff was actually making our anxiety feel worse. The next step will be organization but thankfully I have a good friend who is good at that and she volunteered to help me with that part once we get all the cleaning and throwing away done that is the really hard part.

Computer Glitch

Sorry if some of you got deleted off my face book page especially some of my family I was going through my friends and deleting people I had added just because of a game I used to play. In the process my computer would slow down and I would accidentally click one too many times so if you got deleted and got a request to be a friend again that's why. Sorry it took me so long but right now I kinda check in every so often just to check on my one game I still play but I haven't had time until now to really look at my friends and profile so oops. On another note I did get a job that I will love I got it with Spot Tech I start the 28th. I will be setting appointments working Mon-Fri days part time to start with more hours available if I am producing. I am also eligible for various bonuses in addition to my regular pay so I'm happy about that.

Haven't had time

Sorry I haven't had much time for blogging so much has happened that it makes my head spin. MDA put me on standby so that basically fizzled they wanted me they said they just didn't know when. I decided not to wait and as a result have had enormous success looking for work. Thanks to my anxiety being under control now I can let my true self shine. That has been HUGE for me as I have had several job interviews over the last few days and weeks. One company a carpet cleaning company looking for an appointment setter has been fighting over me along with AAA. I nailed a phone interview with them last week and have moved on to an in person one this afternoon. It's so exciting but overwhelming. I feel so happy but so grateful and humble at the same time. I feel overwhelmed with the love Heavenly Father is showing to me and the direction he is taking Damian and I. I have been learning to let him lead and it's been amazing watching him open things for us that would have been closed. Damian is working hard to pass his entrance exam to get into Interface College and we have a lead that can help. A gal in our ward is a teacher and she may be willing to help him and tutor him fingers crossed let's see it never hurts to ask. I will keep you all posted as things change around her but right now I'm being kept busy as I have another possible interview tomorrow.

The Craziness that is my life

It's been crazy the last little while so I'm sorry for that. I'll just give the reader's digest version of what has been going on. Damian is doing really really great now so much so that instead of monthly doctor's appointments he's now down to once every other month. The doctor was also going to put him on more medications but his latest numbers are all showing vast improvement. We are both continually striving to change our lives and change our eating habits so we can keep losing weight and add to our life span. We are having success despite some set backs but the difference is we keep going instead of thinking well crap there goes everything we might as well pig out. Damian is trying to get into school and we are working on some basic skills so he can do that. He's also still working with DVR and he has an appointment with them on March 2nd we are really praying and keeping fingers crossed. I got a part time job fundraising for MDA the Muscular Dystrophy Association and although I haven't officially gotten started on the phones yet just some training I do think I'm going to like it. If I am going to bug people on the phone it might as well be for a worthwhile cause. My little support group is growing but it has been struggling because I've gotten so busy and I feel bad for that. It was my goal to recognize a woman when she first reached out instead of not noticing her right away and that hasn't happened. That's important because when someone is feeling neglected and low anyway not being noticed can make them withdraw even further and it can be harder to draw them out not impossible just harder. However, I have gotten to realize and understand that one gal in particular that I have been working with and uplifting has been keeping up with the group and welcoming and helping me. She has let me know to check the group so that being said I made her my assistant. In the beginning I decided to not just let anyone be an admin to my group because that means they have the same abilities and powers as myself to change things etc. I didn't want someone to abuse that power but she has shown she is just as passionate about this as I am so I made her an admin. She knows and has assured me the group is safe with her and I trust her. I will still reach out and do what I can but it feels better to have help so I don't feel like the whole weight is placed upon my shoulders. It feels equally amazing that what started out with just my best friend and myself has grown to many more women around the world and some are starting to really become friends as we share and support and uplift one another. It feels incredible and my healing has been hastened when I have helped them and then their healing increases as they help each other it's a beautiful thing.

Bye Bye Insomnia Hello Happy Pills

I thought I had gotten over my worst anxieties and fears after all the chest palpitations had all about stopped and the paranoid fears but no such luck. DVR is being a pain in the rear now because they can and Damian's off the schedule at Goodwill until DVR can discuss his future on the 15th of Feb. Talk about nerve racking we just got our bills caught up and we have a HUGE power bill still due yikes!!!! The insomnia, anxiety and fears that I had thought I had control over was back and with a vengeance. It took my awesome but persistent best friend to see what was really going on and she took matters into her own hands. She shared some of her over the counter "happy pills" with me that are similar to Zoloft and other medications like that. It's a herbal supplement called 5HTP and it's safe I did my research as long as I take only up to 100mg a day and I don't take anything similar to it along with it so no doubling up. I have been taking them almost a week now and I am feeling a HUGE difference. My circumstances are still the same but the way I handle it is different I'm not panicking I'm not freaking out I'm not stressing and despite my head cold I'm sleeping so I feel really great. This is the best that I have felt in a long long time I feel ready to conquer the world again lol and that's the most empowering feeling that now I'm in control of my feelings and fears I can do something about our situation.

Christmas

I know I know I'm behind but it's been crazy this year and now that things have died down a little I can catch up. We went simple this year for gifts for our family and dear friends I ended up making a majority of our presents and bought a few simple things. The holidays overall went well but let me back up step by step. Our Christmas festivities began the night of December 23rd when we had a small family Christmas party at Grandma and Grandpa Christensen's apartment. That gave us an opportunity to visit and exchange gifts as well as a chance for me to show the slide show that took the most out of me emotionally and physically the one I made for my dad. It was a hit Grandma, Grandpa and Auntie Jill who had come for Christmas enjoyed it a lot. I was going to play it again so my mom and sister didn't worry too much about having to chase kids instead lol. I am going to have the file e-mailed to many of you in the family so you can enjoy it too once I can get that fire lit under Damian to do it or when I figure out how whichever comes first. Then Damian and I stayed the night with my mom because early Christmas Eve we went over to Geoff and Amber's for brunch. We started that a couple of years ago and it has worked out really well they are more centrally located than mom is and they have a more open layout so it seems like they have a lot of room. We had a wonderful brunch and then exchanged simple gifts everything needs to be simple anyway and I got a chance after Gaige had gone to bed to share more slide shows. I showed the one I had made for Geoff and Amber starring their son they loved it a lot. I also showed the one for Dad and the one I had made with the three of us as siblings. They were all a hit which was a huge relief. I had really worried because my intentions had been good and it could have turned out really good or really bad. I had intended to help heal the wounds and I was grateful when that showed because I could have opened more. We then finished up the Christmas festivities with Christmas day at Damian's mom and dads. We got some really sweet gifts that were so simple I got an electronic picture key chain that holds 100 pics. I have it almost full with pictures of my nieces and nephews but they are all so cute that I can't choose between them. The best part is that since it hooks up to my computer as they grow and I get new ones I can replace them. It's an electronic brag book if you will. We also rounded out the day with the slide shows I had made for the Impett family as well as wonderful home made candy such as home made chocolate covered pretzels and other treats we weren't hungry lol. The slide show I made for Ella and for mom and dad Impett honoring their 37th wedding anniversary in October and their family as it grew was also well received which makes me happy. They were all hard work but I would have done them again in a second because it made my family all so happy. It was a good year and a good season. We finished it all off with a simple but fun New Year's Eve party with just us and our dear friends Bill and Chris. Now it's back to the same routine but that's why I'm glad the holidays only come once a year I couldn't handle all the overload if it came more often.

My Group

It's just been amazing what has happened in just a short time. I made two new friends with women I didn't even know this time last year all because of my group. It's been great to reach out to them and find common ground it's powerful to find someone anyone who understands you and where you are coming from. It's also been an eye opener for me as I have relived my journey with them to see how far I have come in just a short amount of time. It's been silly all the years I wasted being so down and bitter I could have already been a mom by now if I had just stopped being stubborn and stopped throwing my tantrums and been open to what Heavenly Father's plan was. It was silly all the years I wasted obsessing being angry and bitter over something I had no control over. It's felt amazing to share with them encouragement and support and reassure them that I was where they were and that they can find happiness and fulfillment too. It feels really great to be able to pay forward all the love, compassion, friendship and empathy I have been given over the years. I have given to these women but they have given to me too it's been a wonderful feeling to realize where I was and see where I am now and how much healing has taken place. I still have moments I won't lie but now I don't cringe when someone I love wants to share their good news with me instead I can rejoice with them. I don't dread going to a baby shower I have a really great time. Most important I don't dread the coming of Mother's Day and cower in bed with the covers over my head I'm not kidding instead I embrace it and celebrate the women I know who are moms. I don't cry so hard I can't breathe and throw a tantrum as I scream out "It's not fair!!" I know sometimes things don't seem fair but that I haven't been forsaken I have been given beautiful loving nieces and nephew that I love so much. I have been given the chance to help others and some day soon if things keep progressing I will be given the chance to hear what will be music to my ears my own kids calling me mommy. I am grateful for the challenges I have had to go through because now that they are over I can see my growth and see how I am a better person because of all this. I was not ready years ago emotionally to handle being a mother to children who need me to be there for them completely and go to bat for them. I had my own issues to sort out so I wouldn't pass them on to them which would have not been fair to them.