Counting my blessings

An event transpired today that really got me thinking a co worker and his wife got some unexpected news their son Levi who wasn't due til this fall was no longer growing inside his mom so they had no choice but to deliver him he was born this evening weighing only 1lb 7oz. No word from any of them on how they are doing but I know from my families experience four years ago with our Ella what they are feeling to some degree and what they are experiencing and its not easy at all. He has a fighting chance but it will take a miracle Ella was only 7 more oz's bigger but that isn't much. I am so grateful for Ella she has transformed our lives in so many ways she has a large heart, a strong personality (obviously she fought to live), a smile that can melt even the hardest heart and an intelligent inquiring mind I'm so grateful she is our niece. I'm so grateful that the Lord had a purpose for this little one on Earth and that she is with us and is strong and healthy and thriving. I love her so much and I'm grateful the Lord touched Angela and Randall's heart and they knew they needed to first be her foster parents then later her forever parents. I'm really grateful for this little miracle and blessing in my life I know she has touched our family already who knows how many other lives she will touch. 

The Currant Bush

Yesterday at work it was a good day but a bitter sweet day I found out that yet another person at work who had been there less time than me was being promoted to full time. I could understand why I had been passed up before my performance had been lacking and I was wishy washy but lately my sales had been good and my quota of leads was up there. I have filled in for full time and I have done great so it was really frustrating to the point where I wanted to cry. Then I heard in my mind the story of  The Currant Bush I heard in sacrament meeting many many years ago and I had to humble myself I don't know yet what the Lord has in store for me but he does so I must put my trust in Him and know that he has a higher purpose even if what he intends isn't what I think I want. I've since learned that when I go my way I make a big mess so we'll have to see what he has in store. I would recommend looking that story up it was put in a New Era many years ago but you can google it its a good reminder for when you get all cut up and pruned as to the purpose.

It was a little rough but I made it

Yesterday was Fathers Day and it was a little rough for me I'll admit I was doing great the other monumental days that all bundle together in June. I did fine June 2nd the day my father was killed I did okay on his birthday and the day we buried him and those days were back to back but Fathers Day hit me and it hit pretty hard. I don't know if it was just the day or the fact that I'm really got some pretty stressful and heavy stuff going on right now and I really missed my dad or the combination of the two but it wasn't easy. However, I have learned that sometimes crying is a good healer so I let them flow and I also just opened up to my Heavenly Father about it and I was honest I told him that I know it had been 22 years and that I'm not a little girl anymore but that right now I've been asked to deal with some really heavy stuff and that I just at some point wanted to know my dad was still with me and that I just wanted my daddy. I didn't apologize for feeling that way because sometimes I think no matter how old you are you just want your daddy. Well after that I wiped my eyes and went about my day and you know what my prayers were answered I was comforted and I knew that Heavenly Father understood. I feel better now for a couple of reasons A) the tears did help me deal with all this stuff so I could solider on and put a smile back on my face and B) I felt warm and fuzzy and knew that Heavenly Father hadn't forgotten about me he knows me and he knows how hard this time still is for me and he helped me to know that he understands what I've been trying to do and the efforts I've been trying to make. All in all Fathers Day wasn't too terrible but it still is pretty emotional. 

Thank you for always being there

I had an inspiration last night as I dreamed which I will need to share in its entirety for anyone to understand anything. I don't remember all the details of the dream but it was a dream that has laid to rest some long held insecurities of mine that I hadn't realized I had basically the long and short of it is that on my mom's side my grandma and grandpa have kinda yo yoed in and out of my life sometimes they are there and sometimes they aren't. Same for my aunt and uncle on that side too and actually for the last several years they haven't had any contact with me whatsoever. I even as a grown woman have had a little bit of an issue with that I had to wonder if it was me if I had done something but last night I realized no its on them. If it had been me then the grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins on my dads side would have done the same thing. They haven't in fact that's why I felt it so important to send a personal thank you to my aunts, uncles and grandparents to let them know I appreciate them and their efforts. Our family is large and growing all the time but yet I never felt left out or unloved. Quite to the contrary I have always felt special wanted and appreciated. I am friends with my cousins and we are there for each other and every single one of my aunts and uncles love and are there for me and would have protected me as a child as if I was one of their own. In fact where do you think I learned so much about how to be an aunt to the precious little ones who are now in my life. Realizing this and airing it will now help me heal another wound in my life and help me once again on a path to self enlightenment, understanding and self confidence. I can now put that stuff behind me and focus on the unconditional love and support of those who had been there all along. 

The fog has lifted

I am so happy to see that the clouds are finally starting to lift and the fog I was in is gone. My anxiety levels are so much lower and I can see clearly where I'm going and where I've been and I can honestly say I don't want to go back. I can be the happy optimistic person that I was meant to be and if anyone wants to try and stop me well that's just too bad. I'm happy now and I'm not going to apologize for being that way. I spent too much time and wasted too much time being worried and anxious when it takes so much less energy being happy and cheerful. I feel great and I feel wonderful taking care of myself and making myself a priority once in awhile too. I think this new policy I have will make life so much better because I'll be able to focus my energy and time on those who do really want my help and want me to be there for them but at the same time I can take care of me. I realized the other day that no one else but me can take care of myself and my health and well being. I am useless if I keep just giving and giving and giving of myself and energy without trying to replenish what I've been giving away. It was hard to give up some things and people that I have cared deeply for in the process but I can't let anyone drag me back down to the depths I've been in depression and anxiety wise for lack of a better word so please forgive me its been a form of hell for me. I was so miserable and so unhappy and now I feel free and happy I feel like the skies the limit and that I can soar why would I want to go back. The people that I have left are the ones who truly love me and truly care and who won't let me not take care of myself and I appreciate them. They are the ones who aren't jealous of me for trying to overcome what I've been through and who aren't jealous of my happiness and successes. They are the ones who knew I had it in me all along I just had to find it and I am so thankful I have them. I do not stand alone I never have not as long as I have my dear husband and other loved ones in my corner. I also am realizing how brightly I can shine and I'm getting comfortable with that instead of trying to dim it a little. I know this song is cliche but it truly sums up how I feel right now and how amazing I feel.