I am the captain of my soul

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the Pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll.

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

Found this again and I love it so much the poem really really speaks to me no matter how hard or easy my journey through life has been I need to remember always that I am the master of my fate I am the captain of my soul that means that despite circumstances etc no one else is to blame for the path I take but me I am the one in charge of myself and my life. Pretty powerful. 

A journey of a thousand miles

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step- Confucius

This was read in my TOPS group on Monday and it really struck a chord with me especially as I was a little disheartened I had a one pound loss. I'm proud of that don't get me wrong but at the same time when you have 166 excess pounds left to shed it seems so small so insignificant. Then I remembered this quote today and I realized this is going to be committed to my memory. Yes I only lost a pound but that's a pound I plan to never gain back that's a pound lighter than I was and I worked for that pound loss. I am changing my life forever not just the short term and that takes time. I am learning how to incorporate yummy healthy food into my life and make it taste awesome, I'm learning to like water instead of pop, I'm learning to like activity and exercise and make that a part of my new lifestyle. I'm changing so much permanently that it will take time I could have taken the easy way out and gone on a fad diet but I know those fail so I'm doing it the hard way with the sweat of my brow so I am now determined to be proud of all those pounds that come off even if they come off one by one. I have so many plans and things I want to do once the weight comes off it is my goal and my challenge to reach goal weight and maintain it the rest of my life. I'm hoping that the things I'm learning to do now will help me do just that so yes right now the journey seems daunting but I will never reach the end of my journey if I don't start somewhere so I'm going to just keep on stepping and with each step watch my life improve. Heck given time I may even learn to like water and vegetables I'm not quite there yet but maybe one day anything is possible I suppose. 

How my life has changed since TOPS

I have made the decision to take off pounds sensibly thus I'm a member of TOPS that's what it stands for. I'm a new member but some of these lifestyle changes had been in the works for awhile now. I was a little discouraged until I realized that I'm making permanent life style changes and those won't happen overnight but that in the long run they will stick and I will live a longer healthier happier life. In order to help give some perspective....


Lifestyle Pre-TOPS
-emotional eating at any time of the day or night it was nothing to consume 1 whole x-lg pizza and a whole container of ice cream in one sitting at the same time if I was upset.
-Consuming massive quantities of pop and drinking no water at all or very little I was estimating I was consuming conservatively 20 plus 2 liters of pop a month.
- It was nothing to heap my plate full of all sorts of foods including consuming 1lb of hamburger or ground sausage myself in one meal.
-Eating massive amounts of high calorie sugary foods and eating massive amounts of fast food not even thinking about what I was eating. 
-Exercising only when absolutely necessary to do what I had to do for example I had to walk a bit to get to work.


Lifestyle upon joining TOPS


-emotional eating curbed ( I still slip but not as bad nor as often) instead I am learning to journal or vent my frustrations with a friend or loved one instead of turning right away to food. 
-Drinking next to no pop and drinking more water and other healthy liquids.
-Watching and being more mindful of portion sizes, nutrition labels etc. 
-Limiting my consumption of junk food, sweet sugary foods and fast food. I still eat them but I do so as part of my food plan. 
-I have a food plan every day I log what I have eaten online in a food journal that keeps track and holds me accountable for calories, fat, etc that have been consumed and it tells me when I went over my limit. 
-I'm getting a more restful sleep and I don't feel as fatigued or tired I'm feeling as if I have more energy and fuel.
-I'm starting to enjoy exercise and I'm actively engaged in finding activities that I can enjoy and make a part of my new life. 
-I'm starting to find a balance and moderation in ALL things. 
-I'm more careful what is making its way into my shopping cart and I am learning new fun innovative recipes and ways to enjoy healthy food. 

Wow!! I didn't think that list would be as long as it is with more things to come I'm sure but as you can see I'm not into a fad diet or a quick fix all of this is stuff I can do in the long term to make myself look and feel better. On a side note my PCOS symptoms are gradually doing a bit better so that's a plus as well. 

Why I try and look on the bright side of life

I've had to really dig deep into myself lately to find inner strength again so I could deal with my responsibilities and stress instead of running. I was doubting if I could but then I remembered something about myself that few really know unless they were physically there with me during that dark time. A time when my very survival depended on fighting and being strong. When I entered my teenage years I was dealing with so many intense emotions you do anyway but add on top of it a lot of grief from losing my father etc and I was on a collision course so many intense feelings began to overwhelm me even writing couldn't alleviate my pain. I began to feel as if things would be better if I was no longer here I began to feel as if that was the only answer to my pain and suffering. I know now that was not true but back then I was hurting so bad that I didn't know what else to do. I did fight though and I fought back strong that's why I'm here but it involved something I never would have wanted to do and that was some desperate moves. I really had to make it known how I was feeling and with some counseling and support from loved ones and friends I made it and I'm still here. That battle though took a lot out of me for a long long time I remember even the beginning of my 10th grade year reaching out to friends at a Halloween party when suddenly intense pain and emotions came over me and I began shaking and I curled into a ball it was all I could do not to cry. Some were accusing me of being a drama queen but a couple of real friends including the hosts of the party reached out in a profound way to let me know I had it in me to be strong and that I was going to be okay. One reached out and put her arms around me and held on tight another reached for my hand and told me to hang on and fight the inner voices telling me that I was weak and that I would be better off dead. I gradually fought back but then I realized I would have to be extremely careful I would have to be careful to be more positive and more happy it would be the only way to ensure that these strong emotions didn't overcome me again and that these evil thoughts telling me to die wouldn't come back. It took a few more years of intense work but I try really really hard to be more positive than negative and to have more good days than bad I have to I learned a long time ago that my very survival depended on it. Now I'm so so glad I am here so much I would have missed if I wasn't and so many people would have been hurt  its not the answer but I can understand how someone can reach that point. I've been there and its not a wonderful place to be perhaps that's why I try to really reach out a loving caring hand to someone in need and who's struggling so they know they aren't alone and that it can get better. I'm living proof but that's why I am so positive all the time so those thoughts don't attack me again and overcome me again. I did learn though that I am strong and that I'm not alone and that the Lord has a purpose for me to be here and that even though I've been asked to go through a lot that although it took me forever to understand this it hasn't been for nothing I've grown and learned so much from all of this. I just didn't understand that in my teenage years so I'm so glad I had loving people around me to help me fight so I could live long enough to understand. 

Jesus Take the Wheel

This song came to mind thanks to my husband playing it to make a ringtone out of it this song so fits what I'm thinking and feeling right now. I really don't know where I'm going but I just have to let him take the wheel I won't be led astray now is a time for me to exercise some real faith. 

My ways are not your ways.....

I was coasting on a high I was doing well things were good in all aspects of my life and then the other shoe dropped. It's not that everything is falling apart because its not but its just not going as well or as fast as I would like it to as I have mentioned before patience is not and never was a virtue of mine. A few hiccups and bumps in the road have appeared and it frustrates me because I had things lined up and planned a certain way. Well as I prayed this morning a verse from Isaiah came to my mind so I looked it up again and it was not the answer I had wanted but the answer I needed. I had been too impatient and was trying to move faster than the Lord had intended me to move and thus as a result I was floundering and panicking and causing myself undue stress. The verse was simple and to paraphrase it it was the one about my ways are not your ways ya that one. I was instantly humbled and prayed again for forgiveness once again pledging to try and be patient and try and enjoy this journey I'm being taken on and try and try and not move faster than the Lord intends for me to move. I already feel a little better and I'll just have to see where this path takes me and I'll have to learn to rely on and fully trust a higher power not an easy thing for me to do but in order for things to once again go smoothly I must so I'm buckling my seat belt and hanging on trying to relax and trying to realize that I'm not being flung into chaos and that their is a plan for all this it just may or may not be the one I would have chosen but in the end it will be what is right for me.