Paying it forward

I am beginning to realize that lately all I have done is take when I should be giving too and that's NOT right. From now on I will be paying it forward and will do what I can to help shoulder my fair share of other people's burdens. I wanted to share this video with my loved ones and dear friends as the first step and as an olive branch to start trying to make up for all the taking I have done. I love you and hope you all will forgive me.

Dedicated to my loved ones and beloved friends

I have been eating humble pie lately and as a result I have come to be so thankful for all my friends even ones I haven't seen in years. I am so humbled by what you have done for me but was blind to it recently well now I want to thank you. Thank you for countless hours spent with me talking to me and giving comfort. Thank you to a very special friend who has been my life long pal who came through when it really mattered by taking me to the Spokane Temple grounds back before it was built and who prayed with me that night on that hallow ground it is because of you that I married in the temple. I know we have had our differences but I love you I love you for what you did for me it was so simple but it meant so much because you helped remind me what was really important. Thank you to other friends who have stood beside me through everything and didn't quit on me although I wouldn't have blamed you if you did. This video is one of my favorites and it is for you ALL of you. I love you!!!!!

Light Bulb Moment

I have had a light bulb moment this morning and while it doesn't take care of all my problems I'm sure my insights will help. I FINALLY realized that my whole life I have been running around like an Amanda with her head cut off trying to please everyone and do everything for everyone. I have done this to be loved and liked because for some reason deep down I didn't feel like I was good enough on my own. I have done this for a long time not seeing that I was slowly becoming a narotic mess because no one can please everyone all the time it's impossible yet I have tried because I have wanted to be loved and although God gave me some great gifts and qualities somehow I didn't feel like they were enough. Now though I am ready to listen to my heart and am ready to try and learn to slow down and learn that not everyone is going to love me and that's okay that there is nothing I can do to change that fact. I'm also learning that I am starting to even chase my loved ones away and my friends away that they are sick and tired of trying to reassure me and watch me do this to myself. I am learning that God is a loving God who pulled them back now when it seems I need them the most to show me that I have been using them all as a crutch and that right now I need to do this for myself and that I am capable and strong and can overcome and that I need to stop aiming for perfection and that I need to stop driving myself crazy over an impossible task that I need to trust in the love of good people and in the love of my family and friends and that I need to trust in the love of my Savior and in myself. I thought I had this lesson learned but I guess not I'm learning it now though and I'm learning it the way I learn a lot of things the hard way. I'm coming out of this hopefully a stronger and better person who is willing to trust in themselves and in their loving Heavenly Father and in the love of their family and friends. This has been a tough battle and I'm pretty battle scarred so I am just about ready to say with an open heart God I surrender help me become whole and happy again I can't do this on my own.

Hard to do but somehow liberating

I have been battling inside myself for quite sometime now battling between my personality and love for people and needing to have boundaries. I have been learning though from some wonderful people in my life that I can have both and that it's okay when someone crosses a line to tell them that and ask them to back off a little bit. I have always had a hard time with that but I took some giant leaps toward that today and I feel slightly better actually I feel somewhat free like I can breath easier because I am no longer keeping anything inside me to fester and brew resentment. I still have a way to go but it's all part of trying to take care of myself and handling my anxieties and fears and managing them. I am still going to be getting me professional care and help but at the same time I have found that during this growth process for me because that is what it is I have found support and love and help. It wasn't in the way I expected it because they haven't been enabling me and letting me fester or letting me hide from my fears but they have put out their hand figuratively and are walking this road with me and helping me face things and face my worries and fears straight on. It was hard to accept this at first but I'm thankful now I'm thankful for a loving Father in Heaven who is not letting me hide but is using this as a way for me to grow and become better and also to him for knowing this is difficult for me to do and impossible for me to do alone so he has been providing for this by sending help. I am thankful to those he has sent who have been with me and are continuing to do so as I battle. I feel stronger knowing that I'm not alone to do this and that I can make it.

A wonderful Sunday

Yesterday was a wonderful Sunday we couldn't attend our church services which were at 12:30 until 3:30 because we had to hop a bus at 2 to get to my grandma's house by 4 for dinner that night but it was still a good Sunday. We had a wonderful turkey dinner which grandma prepared for us and it was so so good and I don't think anyone walked away still hungry. I love that about grandma's house plenty of food and plenty of good conversation. My whole family was there including my brother, Amber and their baby boy Gaige. After dinner we all visited and Lexus has a thing for balls and so I was playing ball with her and still visiting. Amber also let anyone who wanted to hold Gaige and most of us did I wanted to but I'm just getting over a cold so I kept my distance. He was small 6 weeks ago but he is starting to fill out and he is an angel of a little boy Amber fed him when they first arrived and he slept after that only waking on occasion. He didn't make a sound that whole night. It was also unexpected but a pleasant surprise when my brother and I got to really talk about some things including some old memories of an old trailer we moved out of when he was 5 it amazed me how much he did remember. I'm really happy that we have patched things up and that I'm getting along with my little brother and Amber and that I can be in little Gaige's life. I can't wait until he gets older and actually knows who his auntie Amanda is. Oh on that note Lexus is a little character she is going to be two the end of May and she is starting to talk more and more and starting to really have a personality and it's been really fun to watch. She sat up in a small child's chair at dinner and had her own plate and fork and spoon and fed herself what we were eating. She ate a good dinner too of some turkey, green bean casserole, a roll and some cranberries even and she had some sherbet for desert. I am amazed every time I see her how much she has grown and changed and I'm glad I can be in both her and Gaige's life.

God is in Control/Awesome God

Lately I have been reminded more and more about my faith and one simple fact God is in control and that he knows me and my struggles and he has not forgotten me. I found this song by accident a couple of years ago and it really has helped me so much to remember this simple fact. I know some people don't believe what I do and that's okay you are certainly entitled to that but I need to be true to who I am and I need to share this song because this simple song has meant so much to me along with another song which I also want to share in this post.

Another favorite music video of mine

I discovered this song a couple of years ago and I fell in love with it it's got a techno beat but if you listen to the words it's a love song that's real basically it says that if you love with someone you are willing to just be with them just hanging out you don't have to always do something special just being near them is enough. I love this song it's by Snow Patrol and it's called "Chasing Cars"

Dedicated to my loving husband!!!

I love this song it's for my dear husband because our love story has not always been perfect and the road we have taken has been broken up a few times but we still have found a way to make it work and follow our hearts. I love you honey you are a true gift and I'm glad to be yours.

Inspiration

Okay I got a realization today that I should stop grumbling about what I don't have and want and realize all I do have. I have recieved some inspiration today that I'm not alone and that God knows me and knows my struggles and that somehow although I don't see it now that it will all be for my benefit.
So to even things out for all my grumbling I"m going to briefly focus on what I have.
A loving and patient husband
Beautiful nieces and nephews who are a blessing from God
A place to live and food to eat and warmth I'm realizing how many people don't have that
All my senses and a body that is fully functional
A knowledge that I have a loving Father in Heaven who knows and loves me
Friends that are true and honest and who truly love and support and uplift me when I am down thanks for that by the way :D
A wonderful family
My gifts and talents and abilities which I am grateful God saw fit to give to me
Sweet and affectionate kitty cats who give me their unconditional love
Those are just a few things and while I moan a little moan sometimes I'm really trying to focus on what I have been given and not on what I haven't I guess I"m still a work in progress lol.

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!

Wohhooooo!!!! I have some hope finally that things are beginning to turn around I got to talking with Damian last night about so many things and he finally accknowledged to me that he has been letting his mom get in the middle of our marriage and our relationship and that he is sorry. I know that is hard for him to admit as he and his mom have always been close and he doesn't want to hurt her but at the same time I know he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me. We talked about how he can still love her but at the same time set healthy boundaries with her so that way he can still be an adult and go for his dreams and have a healthy marriage. As part of that we decided together that staying out here in Airway Heights after our lease is up is just NOT going to be an option. For some people it would be perfectly fine and healthy to stay close by to either parent but not for Damian his mom and dad have helped us some BUT his mom mostly uses our close proximity to them to her advantage and uses it to tighten her vice grip onto her son. We wanted to move out of area and perhaps we will someday but for now we have decided to look for an apartment back out in the Spokane Valley that is far enough away that she won't use her gas to come out and see us very often. I hate to do that but with some people space is a good and healthy thing. I'm glad Damian is starting to see though what his mom is trying to do. I didn't want to be the bad guy but we have a marriage that is worth fighting for we both love each other and even if we seem a bit odd and mismatched but for some reason we fit well together and it would be a tragedy if our marriage fell apart. Damian also is slowly starting to see that he does have a god given talent and that it's his responsibility to use it to the best of his ability baby steps but right now I will take what I can get and hope for the rest and pray that God will continue to help him with everything else.

Sleeping on it

Okay I got some sleep last night and that really helped me see things a little more clearly. I still am frustrated about some things but at the same time I really can't control some of the situations so there is no use being upset about it I just have to move forward and carry on. It's amazing what sleep can do sometimes to help improve a situation or at least your perception of it.

So Frustrated I could cry or scream or perhaps both

I really hate doing these types of posts I really do but life isn't rosy all the time and I am not fake I am real and I try to be honest about what is really happening with me and my life. First off I am so angry at my inlaws that I could just lose it they have really screwed up and hurt their son. For those of you that don't know Damian has so much computer knowledge and talent it's unreal and even more so once you know that he has NEVER been to college to learn any of it. He could do so much with it given the right certificates and training and just when I get him pysched into believing in himself and his abilities and talents his parents yank it away from him. I'm sorry what parent does that to their child is it just me or should a parent want you to succeed and want you to do well? I guess his parents missed that memo because all they do is tear their son down I have seen it first hand and it is frustrating me because he loves them so much and wants to be a good son and honor them that he just takes it and gives up and stops trying. I don't want to be a gold digger this is NOT what this is about it is about watching my husband give up on himself and it is so frustrating. I love him so much and I believe in him and his talents he can do so much he is so smart and bright and intelligent but he just sits and hides out of fear and I don't know what to do. All I know is he has been spinning his wheels but I can't get through to him at all and it's all because of them he has this irrational fear of them even though he is going to be 34 this May. I told him what can they do to you it's not like they can ground him or send him to his room I mean seriously this is ridiculous we have so many dreams and plans and things we want to do together but we can't because his parents his mother especially find a way still to get right in the middle of all of it. I don't know what to do I'm at my wit's end. I love him so much and I try so hard to reach out to him in love because I know he is struggling and because of his mother he feels like a big game of tug o' war is being waged for the record it's his mother doing the pulling this time not me but I wonder if my love for him is enough. I pray for him constantly and I try so hard to give him all the love I have I just hope daily it's enough and that that love can get through. I am also getting frustrated that someone I love dearly lately has been handed everything it seems and I have been left empty handed. I know I'm not a perfect person but I do try hard and I do try hard to do the right thing. That being said I don't know why I am being left behind and forsaken when she is getting everything she ever wanted plus some while my fondest dreams remain just that dreams? I know life isn't fair so don't even give me that cliche I just keep on keeping on and hope that someday I will get some of my fondest dreams. Sometimes I just feel invisible I know I am loved and I am in no way going to harm myself so no worries I love myself too much for that but I still feel invisible sometimes. I feel invisible because among my family and friends I am still not a mother and despite comfort given that that doesn't matter it does trust me I am no longer invited to any social activies or gatherings I guess I am not good enough. I try and keep in contact with my loved ones and people I thought were my friends but then I hear about all the fun they have going out with other couples who are all parents and I spend my evening at home again and it's hard not to take it personally it's hard not to feel like I'm good enough when time and time again I give all I have and it doesn't seem to be enough. I have learned to deal with the pain of being childless but let me tell you I want to just scream especially at people I thought were my friends I may not have a child but I"m not a leper you know it's not like it's contagious and I'm still me I'm still the same person deep inside. I don't know what else to do I can't stop loving and reaching out to everyone even if I am hurt from time to time by them it's not in my nature but I also am to the point where I just want to say screw it I'm done I can't give anymore I can't handle anymore one way communication and one way phone calls I can't handle hearing about their nights out on the town with other couples with kids and I was left in the dust again like I don't even matter but yet they still insist that we are good friends and that they love me. I'll be fine I won't go all postal on anyone but I need to let this out I need to give this a vent because I've had it I am so sick and tired of giving all I have and giving it freely and always coming up short. I'm just tired and I am really close to just saying screw it and just weeding out everything and really taking a second look at everything and everyone in my life and determining if all this is worth it. I don't ask for much but I do need some respect if we are going to be friends I can't deal with fake in my eyes being fake is the same as lying and I can't stand liars if you want to be in my life and be my friend fine wonderful act like it but if you don't don't pretend that you do.

If I could go back in time

I have doing a lot of contemplating lately about how things have turned out and for the most part I'm happy and content but there is one thing that has been haunting me that I would change if I could. If I had the ability to go back in time and change one thing that would be my younger post highschool self. I did great in highschool managing good grades and a fairly healthy social life BUT after highschool I let things slip and basically my grades were okay but nothing spectacular and definitely not up to the potential I know that I have. Eventually due to other responsibilities I gave up and haven't been back and that I think has been the biggest mistake I have ever made. I'm not dwelling on it to beat myself up over it but to realize that I laid a pattern that I have had a hard time breaking since. I gave up on myself and quit when it got hard instead of fighting it out which I should have done. I should have worked for that education instead of giving up on it and myself. I know it's not too late and I do have plans to go back but it will be harder now than it was when I was 19 not impossible though. That's why if I could I would go back in time and give my 18 and 19 year old self a pep talk about why college is so important and why I needed to finish. I think if I had done that I wouldn't have had as much of a struggle getting and maintaining employment.

Shopping today at our new Winco

First off let me say this and get it off my chest I LOVE WINCO!!!!!!!!! I went today with my sister in law Dani and my friend Barb and I am a bargain shopper who was convinced that the only cheap place was Walmart well Walmart has officially been dethroned. I bought a bunch of food (99 items) and only ended up spending 176 dollars then to prove my point further I went to Walmart and spent 118 or so and only got 44 items. That sounds like a lot of food but keep in mind this is for the WHOLE month. I did also discover a couple of other things today Winco was still crowded although the one in the Valley has opened and I discoverd with the help of Dani who was shopping with me and since she only needed a few things she just used my cart that I was speeding up my shopping and in the process forgetting key things in my list. I noticed once she told me to slow down and keep up with her and Barb that an anxiety attack had started and was in full swing so I went into auto piliot to get out of there. She gently calmed me down and I learned in the process I have a general form of anxiety so I am going to be getting me to a dr as soon as I can and get on meds it's going to be the only way nothing else is working aside from my being a hermit and I can't do that. Maybe that explains why every month when I go I get so sore afterwards my whole body tenses for so long that when I relax I physically hurt. I told her my realization and she apologized for getting in my face like that and I just told her no thank you actually I never realized I was doing that. I'm glad you were there to get me to slow down breathe and relax because I didn't know I freak out in crowds. She then offered to take me every month and help me so I don't freak out so bad. She is a good sister in law we get along really well and she is good company. I'm really glad she was there for me today to help me calm down enough to realize that I am scared of crowds as well and that they cause me to go into a full blown anxiety attack this is important for me to know so I can know what I need to get help with. I also appreciate her reminding me gently that it's okay and I can handle it better if I slow down and breathe and she also helped me remember to get everything on my list in addition to helping my friend who is disabled by ms not only grab the things on her list but bag her groceries and get them loaded into her van. I am seeing this in my sister in law and loving her so much more for her gentle generous heart. She was a life saver for me today that's for sure as my anxiety attacks have come back and they are worse than ever before they are centering around my heart and chest and making my heart beat extremely fast to the point where breathing is difficult and also my whole body tenses and my back gets so tense I can't bend or move it until it relaxes again. I didn't know how bad they had gotten until she called me on it lovingly of course so I can get help. I didn't want to get on meds at all but I guess I will have no choice if it means I can get my life back and meanwhile I have her support to go to the grocery store because she didn't realize how much it freaked me out to go. Damian can't go because he doesn't know how to bargain shop and it's too complicated for me to explain it to him so I have done it but it's getting to be too much for me I hate doing it and it really is bothering me but maybe having her there for support and to help me handle it will be better.

Rediscovering Old Hobbies

I recently rediscovered how much I love to write. I used to write stories all the time papers cluttered every where. Stories were my companions when other friends of mine had been asked out on dates and writing romance was my specialty because many of my friends who read them told me that they were real they weren't overly sappy and they contained both love and romance and real challenges and obstacles that my characters had to overcome. I stopped writing about ten years ago or so when another "friend" of mine really critcized my stories to the point where I was in tears I don't know why that would have mattered to the point where I stopped but it did. I had attempted to write a little since then but couldn't overcome my writer's block. Then something magical happened I talked with another friend of mine who writes all the time and she gave me some very valuable advise for both my life and my writing. She told me to write for me to write because I love it and be true to myself and my style. She told me that not everyone will like what I have to say or my writing but if I love it and love what I wrote than that is all that matters. I have since started another story LOVING the idea of being able to type it into my computer versus the old way of pen and paper and lots of scribbled out lines and words. It is another love story and I have found that with age and maturity my romances are really coming along and I know more about love and romance than I did as a teenager which makes sense. I also have been taking my time I'm not forcing the story line I only write when the ideas are really flowing and I stop when I feel the story feeling forced. I want the story to flow and feel like it could really have happened. I also have stopped doing cross stitch again because someone I had taken the time to make something for had thrown it away and I witnessed this. Witnessing this crushed me and I stopped doing it however I have realized that enough is enough and I love doing it so I need to continue. I realized that I need to do a hobby because I enjoy it not to please someone else.