I am of infinite worth

I was raised in Young Woman's knowing that I have infinite worth. I believed that even when I was going through a rough time. Then I grew up and got married. All was going great until I was shunned for not having kids among other things. All kinds of accusations were flown at me that ate at me. Slowly, the adversary convinced me that I was wrong, that I didn't have infinite worth that I was not a daughter of a God who loved me conditionally. Then in the last 6 months I've relearned all I once knew and my heart is full of gratitude and love for my Heavenly Father and his tender mercies. I've found a place, a purpose at last. I've found the peace I've sought when I realized who I am. He is my Father despite everything despite every human failing despite every struggle I've had or ever will have nothing can change that fact and no one can take it away from me. I heard this song for the first time out of curiosity and I couldn't' stop crying it was so beautiful. I've loved it ever since. Its called "I am His Daughter". 

Until every voice is heard

I may seem like a broken record but I will be and I don't mind until every voice is heard, everyone's voice who is in anquish and crying out for relief. Until mental health is taken seriously and people don't take their precious lives. God saved me I would be ungrateful to him if I didn't try and reach out to save another. Its worth it hang on FIGHT. Don't let go until help comes. Its going to get better. I know I've been there. I have felt first hand, death seemed to be the answer the only answer for my pain but it wasn't. If I had gone through with it I would have missed so much and hurt so many of my loved ones who would have wondered in their hearts why? and how come? what could we have done to help her and save her? Don't do that to your loved ones. Its not worth it. If this reaches even one then this post is not in vain. 

Exercising and loving it.

I never thought I would see a day where I would actually not just enjoy but love my daily workout and love getting all sweaty. Growing up, I was the chubby fat kid. I was the last one picked for a team and while some PE teachers meant well their approach was far from helpful. They were trying to help whip me into shape but all that resulted from these attempts was my thinking of exercise as merely forms of medieval torture...something to be dreaded and endured as best as I could. This continued throughout my adult life I didn't ever think that I could enjoy physical activity and exercise and I knew that my journey to wellness and weight loss would be incomplete without it. That was until my new friend introduced me to something that I was skeptical about at first, an online fitness club. All the workout videos are from certified instructors but they are all online. I can do them in the privacy of my own home. Not only that but I can learn about healthy nutrition from dietitians and watch motivational videos from sports psychologists. I reluctantly did my 10 day trial and fell in love. I loved the price a month too, just 20 dollars. Heck I spent more than that on fast food. I've grown to look forward to my daily workout because its at my own pace I'm not in competition with anyone else, just me. As a result of this everything in my life is beginning to change. My attitude, my outlook and my habits. I'm no longer a fast food, soda pop junkie. I desire to eat the right foods to fuel my body for my daily workout. I desire to take care of me. I now feel like I'm trapped in a fat suit, one that I can't wait to get out of. Its slow but that's okay I'm moving along in the right direction now and I have found hope. I know I can do this, I get excited every time I'm able to workout a little longer or when I'm discovering muscles that I haven't felt in many years. I'm so thrilled that she told me about this and that this is just what I needed, a safe place to exercise where I wouldn't be judged for being out of shape or slightly uncoordinated. I'm excited to see what these next few months will bring and all the new things I'll be able to do once I get into better shape. 

My life's dream realized

Sorry things have been so frantic these last few weeks that I haven't had a chance to update my blog in a bit. Well, after nearly three years and getting extremely burnt out I amicably left Evergreen Treecare. It was time, I was really done with working in a call center and ticking off people who really didn't want to talk to me in the first place. I landed a position in a toddler classroom for Guardian Angels Childcare Center. I work full time Monday through Friday. Some days are really tough and some days try my patience to the utmost but I still love what I do. I love that I get a chance to learn and grow in the field and learn how to help nurture and help these kids. I love that I get a chance to make a difference everyday even if its a small one. I'm grateful for co workers that treat me, each other and the kids with respect. I'm learning and growing every single day. My next step in my professional development is to take a 20 hour training class online then coming in September I'm hoping to get what's called a CDA credential. That would take about a year or so to complete. The best part I can keep working while I get it. From there who knows the skies the limit but this is exactly what I've wanted to do my whole life and I'm so excited that I finally get to do it. I'm so grateful to my boss for seeing something in me and hiring me even though I didn't have any formal experience. Oh and on a positive note, since I don't have as much constant stress about job security my stress eating has stopped and I have lost weight again. That and the kids keep me constantly moving and constantly going. 

Forever in my Savior's debt

I'm so grateful to my Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ. They have sent so many loving, serving hands to help us find the fold. We had been lost and because of their unconditional love we have been found. Everyone from wonderful sister missionaries we have grown to love, to our caring bishop, to a wonderful visiting teacher/ Relief Society President, to a visiting teaching companion, to everyone who has reached out to get to know us. We have been surrounded by the fold of God and we are so grateful. We feel the prayers prayed for us and its making it so much easier for us to continue on the path. Things that were so difficult to do before are much easier with the Lord's help and the help of those he has sent. I've found my place in the Lord's kingdom at last, I've been found and rescued and I am in my Saviors debt. I will do what I can do to get strong again and then I will do what I can do to rescue those in need of my help. Not for any worldly thanks but to thank my Father for his help in my life. 

Learning to not run faster than I have strength

Things with my weight loss and other things are on the back burner right now. For one simple reason until my anxiety can get back in check everything else won't matter. I'm an anxious eater so managing my weight when I'm trying to just hold together won't do anything. I learned something recently however from a wonderful Heavenly Father who loves me and knows me better than I know myself. I've been prompted lately that I'm stronger than I give myself credit for but that I also have to be careful to not run faster than I have strength to run. What that means is that its not wise for me to keep trying to keep everything together or reach out and be the first to give comfort to everyone. Occasionally I need to take time out for me too to have some down time. I've been following that counsel and sometimes I still freak out sometimes my anxious feelings still run amok and they will until I can get some medicine hopefully sooner rather than later. However, its wonderful to get some relief and some sleep at night. Its wonderful to not have constant heart palpitations and feel like you can't catch a breath. Its wonderful to not have racing thoughts 24/7. I've been learning that I can't do it all and that's okay that I don't have to. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ucPMjp9drOE

The drought is over

This song is called "Women at the Well" by Kenneth Cope. There is one way to explain what I've been feeling spiritually....thirsty. I hadn't intended to stray away I hadn't intended to go inactive it just happened a little at a time until before long I was in a spiritual drought. Now that the rains have come again I can't get enough. I can't get enough of the scriptures, of prayer, of church. I can't get enough and it feels like I'll never get full again. I know I will but you know what I mean, I'm so thirsty that I'm soaking up every little bit of living water I can get. I did find something that I hadn't counted on....the healing power of my Savior and his atonement. I knew that he had atoned for our sins, I understood that part but I didn't understand that he also suffered so he can be our healing balm. He has healed my heart and healed me in so many ways. I'm so thankful for him and his living water. I'm so thankful that my Shepard didn't forget us and he sent so many to help us come back to the fold. I'm thankful for him and that he did suffer and atone for us so that he can reach us no matter where we are. None of us are out of his reach if we take the first steps and reach up to him.

Broken

I found this song by accident and decided to give it a listen. Kenneth Cope put into words excellently everything I had been feeling in the depths of my soul. For a long time I felt broken nothing was right. I had a restless anxious spirit, I couldn't add righteous sons or daughters to God's army on Earth. I felt broken and let that get to me to the point where I withdrew feeling like I had nothing to give. Then when I heard this song called "Broken" I've learned the Lord doesn't care if I'm considered broken because he loves me and he can fix anything. He sees past my restlessness and my impatience he doesn't care if I'm not a baby factory he sees my potential and what I can become. I wanted to share this beautiful song with you all and I hope you are touched by it. 

My Gold to Refine

These last few months I've been pondering and piecing together the reasons why I went through so much in my younger years. Why I had to suffer and go through so much pain. Its just been now over 20 years later that I see the why. My Lord was preparing me for a place in his kingdom, I was needed and I had to be properly prepared. I used to write poems all the time but hadn't in years...due to just not feeling inspired. Well, I wrote one this morning from my heart letting my Master know I understand his purpose for everything he had me suffer. I don't hold any grudges in my heart, it was all to prepare me for my mission here in this life. He needed me to grow and struggle.

 Lord,Lord it is too much too much I used to say

It is too much the burden, the price I've had to pay. 

Why why would you take so much from me

My dad, my friends, sometimes my dignity. 

Sometimes it seemed he wouldn't answer my why,

Late into the sleepless nights wouldn't hear my cries.

What I didn't yet see in my flawed mind

Was that my Lord, my Master had his own design.

All of this was to help my gold to refine.

I couldn't see the times he silenced all my fears

The friends, loved ones sent to wipe my tears

I was too busy whining to yet understand

This was all part of his master plan.

My suffering was not in vain

His son had too suffered, he knew my pain.

Out of my pain there were ways to grow,

Things to learn things to know.

I try to keep this in my mind,

Everytime my gold needs refined.

Moving was the best decision ever!!!

Now that the honeymoon phase is somewhat over and we've gotten to enjoy our apartment for the last few months, I can still tell you we love it. We love our cozy, warm little place. It was wonderful to have a weeks worth of cold artic weather and still only have our power bill be 100 bucks. That hasn't happened in years, in the trailer it would have been probably around 400 if not more. We were thrilled. Its wonderful to be so close to everything and its a nice bonus to be close to a good friend of mine from work, we're able to see each other a bit more often outside of work. We also have been loved and embraced in our new ward just as we are we don't have to be anything different. It feels wonderful to feel like we don't have to be anyone we really aren't. I felt comfortable bearing my testimony for the first time in a long time knowing I wasn't being judged. I love this gospel and I love this church, that was never why we went inactive. We went inactive because we didn't ever feel like we fit in with anyone or anywhere. Here we do, it doesn't matter if we have kids don't have kids whatever. They love and take us as we are and have been praying for us and nourishing us so we can make it back to the temple. That's also what we love and appreciate this is important to us and we asked for their help and support and prayers and the response is overwhelming. We can't even begin to take it all in. We have no doubts that this is where the Lord placed us for a purpose and a reason. Its feeling incredible to be in a ward and in a place where you feel so loved. I felt miserable when I had to miss a couple weeks of church. It felt wonderful to come back, like I was back with friends. I think that is how it is supposed to be and supposed to feel. 

We've found "home"

For years I've searched to find "home" in the church the same sort of feeling I had growing up. I have struggled to find that since getting married and it has been difficult to find a place I fit in the Lords kingdom as a result. Well, our search is over we've found our "home" we feel like we belong in our ward and in our stake. We feel so wonderful and amazing like this is where we need to be in our lives. We both feel like we can both really grow and learn in this area and in our lives spiritually and temporally supported in this wonderful ward and stake. 

Rising from the ashes in 2014

Sometimes its hard for me to find the right way to describe something especially when my heart is so full. 2013 was a transformation year for me so much changed personally and otherwise...sometimes it was crazy and I felt like I was in chaos. Then as this year is beginning and I'm beginning to feel the calm after the crazy storm I feel so much better. I feel as if I was reborn I feel as if I had been refined. I feel as if I am rising from the ashes of the past and stepping into a new world of wonderful possibilities. One thing I have learned.....take what you need to learn from the past and dump the rest of it holding on just weighs you down. I found this song from Martina McBride titled From the Ashes that can describe this process and feeling to you better than I could. Enjoy!!!