I Believe in Miracles

I can now say that I definitely believe in miracles...I have believed before but I do now after what happened last night. Months ago I accidently said something to one of my sister in law's that really hurt her and she hung up on me...I had not meant to hurt her by what I had said but I did deeply and we hadn't spoken in a long long time. Well I recently found out that she is 6 months pregnant with a little boy and I knew that enough time had passed I needed to try and make an attempt to make things right with her I didn't know how she would react but I swallowed my pride said a little prayer took a deep breathe and called her. We made things right and had a nice chat so hopefully we are okay again and I can see them I miss her and my brother very much. I did learn though that sometimes even when someone says they are okay that when they have experienced heart ache or pain that you still need to be sensitive to them and their feelings and try to place yourself in their shoes. I keep praying that we can keep a relationship going I don't like it when I am at odds with anyone in my family....it makes me sad. I am also hoping they will allow me to get to know my nephew just as well as I have been able to get to know Lexus. I do not play favorites I have enough room in my heart for all of my nieces and nephews both those I have now and those I may have in the future. That's the best part about the human heart it can stretch and grow and can include everyone if someone will only let it.

Lexus at the Pumpkin Patch

Yesterday we went with my mom, grandma, Gwynne, James and Lexus to Greenbluff so Lexus could "pick" her pumpkin out it was a lot of fun so I wanted to share some pictures we took of her experience they also had a large blown up slide as well that Lexus went down with her mom who is my sister, Gwynne.This a picture of the big pumpkin patch we were in yesterday. Lexus is the one hunched over in the pink pants and hoodie, Gwynne is the one in blue with the stylish diaper bag and James Lexus' dad is the one in the green backwards baseball cap and the person holding onto the pumpkin wagon is me.
A close up shot of Lexus getting to touch a pumpkin and my sister holding it for her. They decided not to get this pumpkin because it didn't have a stem.
This is the pumpkin that they finally decided to get for Lexus it is the perfect size and has a stem to be used as a handle later. Lexus looks so happy to have her pumpkin in this picture it's also a nice close up of her dad, James holding her.
This is a cute picture of Lexus back in her stroller, she wasn't too impressed with the dirt and was more than ready to get back into her stroller I tried to catch a face shot but she wouldn't look at me no matter what I did.
I finally was able to snap a picture of her face she is looking at her grandma, my mom she really loves her grandma.
This is a really good picture one of my favorites out of the bunch, Lexus with her great grandma K who came over from Seattle for the weekend.This is the huge slide that Gwynne slid down with Lexus. I wanted to take a picture of just the slide to show you how big it was.Gwynne with Lexus ready to slide on down...originally the plan was for Lexus to slide down by herself but because she is only 18 months old they wouldn't allow it unless either Gwynne or James were with her...so they both took a turn with her but I only felt like taking a picture of Lexus with her mom.
We saw this tree stump with a hole in it so near a food court area that was set up so we figured it was a nice backdrop for a family photo. Lexus is wearing a new fleece winter hat that James found and got for her for the winter. She loved it and didn't want to take it off.

Excited to see my niece for first time since August

I know I'm going to sound like the biggest nerd but get used to it I don't care, I love my niece, Lexus and I'm not ashamed to admit it. It all started out with my talking to my sister for a little bit last night then my mom I just wanted to see how her week had been and let her know I was thinking of her. Then it snowballed to my finding out my grandma that lives in Seattle was coming for the weekend and Damian and I getting to go to Greenbluff with them all so Lexus can play in a pumpkin patch for awhile and also to us being able to have Sunday dinner with them all which we haven't been able to do in awhile. I'm excited for a couple of reasons first and foremost I haven't seen my cutie patotie niece since late August just as she was starting to really learn how to walk and now she is walking all over the place and to be honest I really miss her. I hear word that she misses me too so that's sweet, I love how she smiles when she sees me and how she waves at me and blows me kisses she definitely will break some hearts one day that is for darn sure. Also I am excited because my grandma is coming for the weekend and she is a really neat lady both my grandma's are awesome people. So I think this weekend will be a good one. My sister also told me Lexus is going to be a dog this year for Halloween she already tried on her costume complete with floppy little ears and a little face makeup under her eye to look like a spot how cute. My sister promised me some pictures so I hope she delivers I gotta see that. That costume will be perfect for her as Lexus loves dogs she should she lives with two of them so she has been used to them for her whole life so far. I love being an auntie especially since my sister really cooperates with us and makes sure we can see her as often as possible she understands life gets busy and hectic but she is great about making sure we get to see her as often as we can. She doesn't use her as a pawn or a manipulation tool so that's nice and she doesn't mind that Lexus is forming a bond with me and with Damian as well. I love Lexus dearly but would never try and replace myself with her mother I just want to be in her life to love her and care about her. I'm glad my sister knows that and doesn't feel threatened so all in all I have a lot of joy in my heart being able to be Lexus' auntie. Now if only Damian's sister Heather would feel the same way and let us see her son, our nephew who is over 2 years old now and all we have seen of him is pictures but that's another story SIGH!! I keep praying because it will take a literal miracle but miracles do happen on occasion.

Getting ready for winter

It's still fall but temperature wise it's getting colder so we are starting winterization at our house since we have had to now turn on the heat and I have discovered mainly since our recliner is right by a window that any time there is a breeze I can feel it come in through the window although the window is closed. So thankfully a good friend of mine gave me some plastic left over years ago from a prior apartment of hers and with some effort on our part and a little duct tape we now are starting to get windows covered. Actually it is already making a small difference already we have just one full window done but already it is feeling warmer and instead of needing to crank up the thermostat to 75 degrees to keep from freezing I can now turn it down to 70 and it still feels warm. Our other projects before snow flies are to finish covering the windows in plastic as well as getting some weather stripping for our front door as there isn't any around that door at all. We are hoping that by spending some money to do all this that we can avoid another winter of paying 200 dollars a month in heating costs. I'm being optimistic perhaps but we are hoping that all the efforts we are making now will cut our bill by at least 25 to 50 percent which will make a huge difference.

It's All A Matter of Faith

Today was church and of course now that Damian and I are over our whole passing around the flu back and forth we went. It was hard I admit to get up so early and go but going was just what we needed at that moment. Sitting next to him hand in hand or having his arm around me was wonderful as we both listened to the speaker in sacrament meeting. There seemed to be a whole theme based on what I needed at that moment in my life. It's pretty cool how Heavenly Father works that way. They sang one of my favorite hymns "The Lord Is My Light" and lately because of everything I have been going through it seemed to have more meaning and I did get teary. Damian being touched by the spirit himself was of course more tender and loving and was worried but he understood, his wife gets very emotional I am an emotional being so he didn't make a big deal of it just held the hymn book while I got my ever constant companion of kleenex. Then in Sunday school we were talking about The Book of Mormon and the Gidiantion robbers. I know I didn't spell that right but that's not the point, I have read the Book of Mormon a dozen or more times and studied it in seminary but today Sis. Harsberger as she gave her lesson did such an amazing job of breaking it down to how it is relevant to us today. She made the comparison to how these robbers compare to Satan and his devils and how they will try and keep us from doing the right things and how to combat them and fight them off. It was a new way of looking at it that really got me thinking so that's a good thing. Sis. Harsberger sure does a good job with her lessons. Then to finish off the theme for me today was Relief Society where we were talking about some of the persecutions Joseph Smith has gone through and how he could bear them and have faith that things would be better and have joy despite all that happened to him and his family. I tend to be a murmerer I tend to whine I tend to complain but then someone said something that was really interesting to me. She said that sometimes Heavenly Father stretches us sometimes to the point where we think we will break in half because he sees the whole picture and he sees what we can become and he wants us to get there. I have been thinking about that a lot I have been stretched quite a bit throughout my life but also just in the last couple of years and no it wasn't pleasant and sometimes I felt like I was asked to take on more than I could carry or that I was being stretched to where I would break in half. However, looking back I see that I survived but that I also learned a lot that I needed to learn. I learned to stop complaining and to start trusting no matter what I was asked to do even if I want something else. I have learned to stop acting like a whiny two year old when I am asked by the Lord to do something kicking my fists and heels and whining about how I don't wanna and instead doing it even if I don't yet see the rhyme or reason. I also have learned to be more patient and loving and tender I have learned to serve and love more and turn to my Father in Heaven more. I have learned that what I thought I wanted was replaced by what I really needed and everything was so much better than I could have come up with on my own. I have learned to increase my faith and to just let go and trust after doing my best. I have learned that I don't need to know everything just enough to get me to the next step and I have learned to completely stop whining and murmering and have joy in all things even when it's hard to have some...I have learned gratitude for what I do have instead of what I lack.

Feeling like a grown up again

This post is going to sound silly but I'm so excited that I just had to share. I have a bank account again both a savings and a checking and I got my checks and debit card today. I was so excited because now I feel like a grown up again. What's the big deal well let me explain a few years ago I was an idiot and messed up my banking accounts so I was unable to open another checking account until now. It was a real pain to cash pay checks and every where I went to cash it I had to pay a fee to do it so I never was able to get my whole pay check. Then trying to pay bills and keep track of cash were not easy tasks either. So now I'm excited because I have a way to pay my bills via a check or debit card where both transactions can be easily traced nice in case of a discrepency and also I have a safe place to deposit my pay and also a safe place to save money so I am not tempted to spend it. I can put it in there write it down in my register for my savings account and then conveniently forget that it's in there that is until I need it.

A weight has been lifted

I know I haven't posted in a few days I have been lost in my thoughts and sometimes in my anxiety. Thankfully though I can honestly say I have found a natural way to relax and just not freak out all the time....it's simple really. My cat Nermal is the answer she literally climbs up on my chest and lays down and purrs. I don't know what it is about that little purr but it is enough to calm me down. It's funny too since my chest is where my anxiety attacks start. My chest tightens and my heart pounds and then my whole body begins to tense up and then sometimes if it gets bad enough I hyperventilate until I can snap out of it. Somehow this little gray kitten knows when I need her and she is right there before the panic attack starts she has even taken a liking to sleeping right near my chest every night just in case. I haven't had an attack in a little while and it feels pretty nice although if I do have a bad one again I will get medical care I promise but right now seeing as I have no medical insurance and finding a clinic that will take you and your medical problems seriously is no easy task I can handle a free solution. Also in the back of my mind I have been hanging on to some lingering regrets and past doubts about some decisions I chose to make back when I was a senior in high school. Well, call me crazy if you want but I had a dream last night where I had gone back to that time and to the situations where I had dated these two particular guys again. Part of me had felt guilty for the breakups even though I know logically it takes two people to split up. Well, over the course of this dream as things played out where we broke up and life became as I know it now I woke up and realized that I was not responsible for one of the guys being a controlling guy who preys on women nor was I responsible for how the other guy's life turned out. The only thing I was guilty of was ensuring my future happiness which I wouldn't have had with either of them. I was in danger with one of them and had to leave that situation and with the other I wanted marriage and children well he didn't, he kept telling me that and to this day he is happy or says he is with not being tied down. I see now that if I had kept dating him over a long period of time we would have had the same result as we wanted two completely different things or if we had stayed together one of us would have eventually resented the other. So this morning I was able to breathe deeply as one more "skeleton" came out of my closet of the past and I am able to continue my slow path to healing. I do feel like another weight has been lifted off my chest and I do slowly feel like I'm getting somewhere. My few counseling sessions did help a lot and now it has been my job to learn to practice what I was taught and learn to take control of my life and that means coming to terms with the past and my past decisions. I have a ways to go I am no where near perfect but I am learning to be at peace with myself knowing that I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. My ultimate goal is to be able to look back on my life and not have regrets and just have peace with myself.

I feel like I'm being tested to my limit

Ever feel like you have been tested to your breaking point and to your limit? I have felt that way recently....let me explain I hope I don't sound melodramatic in the process. Back 10 years ago just as I was graduating high school I decided to do something stupid and date this guy. He was kinda creepy to everyone else but I was "in love" with him why I still don't know. Well, anyway we dated a few months and we were talking of getting married although he was starting to exhibit some really controlling behaviors and was starting to take me away from everyone and everything that I love including my faith. Well, thankfully I had some good friends that helped me break it off with him end of story right yea I wish.A few years later my husband, Damian worked with him when they worked at Laidlaw together. He hadn't forgotten about me and he and Damian almost came to blows over what he was saying about me. He was asking if he had a shot at getting back with me things like that. Then they both stopped working together and I thought that at long last he had stopped trying to track me and that he would leave me alone that is why I was changing my phone numbers so much he had managed to get a couple of my phone numbers as well as where I worked and my address. I was wrong he had managed to track my whereabouts to my current location of Airway Heights. Well, I had had some counseling and I had finally decided to take a stand enough was enough so I sent him a message asking him to leave me alone and telling him that if he didn't that I would not have a problem alerting the proper authorities that he was harrassing me. End of that saga I thought well not exactly, Damian and I have been trying to get a better job at Durham Bus Services as bus attendants we are working only part time anyway so we decided that at Durham it would be still part time but we would be paid more and we would have much better hours and no weekends. We walked in to talk to them and put in the application and also we were told that we would be called for a training class whenever one would start. I wanted to be excited but I couldn't be because my ex was working there we saw him sitting right there in the break room. Every part of me wanted to turn around and run and it tested my strength and my resolve to stand up for myself and to stop living in fear of him. Thankfully Damian was standing behind me and he wouldn't let me turn around. I don't know yet what will become of that but I do know that for some reason the Lord is testing me and right now it feels like he is testing me to my limit but I also know that I have to remember what all I learned in counseling. I have to stand firm and strong and stand up for myself knowing that this creep for lack of a better word and he is he has been arrested for preying on women feeds on fear so as tough as it may be I will need to put all this behind me and not let him get to me and not let him tear me down again. I have to keep in mind that he can't hurt me anymore he can't do anything to me and that I am not powerless, I am grateful however for my friends who literally saved my life when they convinced me to break it off with him I have no doubt that he would have not let me leave had I married him, to him women especially women that he has dated are his property and he owns them.

It's Beginning to Look Like Fall

Well, it's finally beginning to look and feel like fall at our house. First of all lots of leaves have fallen on our front and back porches now we just have to try and find a rake somewhere to get them all raked up. It's also getting cooler outside but so far it's still not too cold it's just right. I love fall for me along with spring it's the best time of year not too cold and not too hot just right. It's also the time of year to start getting ready for winter which means for us buying some plastic to put up over our windows to help keep out the cold. It's also the time of year to start thinking about stocking up on cold weather comfort foods which for me means soups of all kinds and chili. I love chili dogs when it gets colder. I love the months of October and November when it is just cold enough to be comfortable before winter really gets going the end of November into the first part of December. I also love Halloween I outgrew trick or treating years ago but I love pumpkins (maybe this year I will buy a couple) and I also love buying candy and passing it out and seeing what kinds of costumes kids come up with. I also love watching a movie with my husband on Halloween night Casper is a favorite this time of year but we will watch anything as long as it isn't too scary we aren't into that kind of thing.