Hiding behind almost 300 pounds

I love watching The Biggest Loser I don't miss it on Tuesday nights. I have watched every season of it and I have gotten a lot from it. I don't just sit there and pig out as I watch people sweat and change their lives. I used to hate Jillian I thought she was just so mean but now I understand yes she is tough but it's tough love she knows that they have hidden behind their weight and she is trying to get them to see that and face the real issue whatever it was for them so that way when she does give them the right tools they can properly use them and they will never get to be so big ever again. Some say that is phooey but I have experienced something similar in my own life. Again I have faced this issue head on so I am not embarrassed in fact I need to face it so I can move past it. I was heavy my whole life but I managed to maintain my weight until a few years ago and I have now ballooned to about 290 lbs which is a lot of weight for anyone but especially me who has a 5 ft 4 in frame. I have done the Weight Watcher's thing and they are wonderful I got wonderful tools and information and I had to face the scale every week and the scale doesn't lie however I had great weeks where I would lose and everything was great but then I would yo yo again and I never figured out why. Now I know why I was still emotional eating I was still using my fat as a sort of shield to hide behind but now I have taken care of all my issues and figured out why I needed to hide so now I can start taking better care of my body and myself. Now I don't want to be almost 300 lbs anymore. It will take work and time but I"m okay with that. I have been starting off my developing a healthy relationship with what I eat. I no longer just binge or eat when I'm not hungry because I'm bored or stressed or upset. I have loving friends to turn to for that and they help me get back up on my feet again without binging on a whole extra large pizza and a bunch of chocolate or ice cream. I am going to start to eat more whole grains and fruits and vegetables and drink more water not because I have to but now because I want to. I love myself enough now to want to take better care of the body I have been given. I still love pop so that will be a challenge I have tried and fallen off the no pop bandwagon. However, I think I have a plan for that too I just have to learn that there needs to be some moderation in all things. I just keep telling myself I didn't get fat in one day so I'm not going to get fit again in one day. I'm well on my way though and this time when I can go back to Weight Watchers I'm going to be able to put 100 percent into it and I will add a gym membership and I will make the time daily to do my workouts and make that time for me to take care of myself and I won't feel guilty for doing that. My goal is to eventually lose a whole person's worth of weight for my height I need to be around 125-135 so that is my goal to be right around there. This time I will succeed because I have learned to NOT quit on myself.

The Need for More Privacy

I have decided that since I know how to make my blog private that I am going to do just that. I sent out invitations to everyone I know who might be interested in reading this blog that I had an email address for but if I missed you and you want to be able to see my blog just send me your email address and I will add you. I am doing this because I want to be more careful and vigilant about who can really read and have access to my blog. My intention is not to tear anyone down or to hurt anyone or hide anything but I also am viewing this blog as a way that I can express myself and my feelings as well as a way to update people on what is going on in our lives. I sometimes will be brutally honest about something and again if I accidentally hurt someone in the process I'm sorry I just feel like I need to be able to express my views, feelings and opinions and to express them honestly.

My Song

I heard this song a few years ago on the radio and fell in love with it. Ever hear a song that just jumps out at you and you think wow that song is so me? That's how I felt with this song at the time I heard it I was starting to undergo counseling and was starting to learn to let go of the past and it just spoke to me. It spoke so loudly that I try to live by the message of this song. Anyway, I just wanted to share.

True to me

I wasn't going to do this but I feel I need to get some stuff off my chest so to speak and let me warn you now it won't necessarily be pretty or politically correct but that's what life is life isn't always pretty it is messy and it is raw sometimes charged with emotions. I won't apologize for feeling what I feel or having the point of view that I have. You don't have to like it but I need to be true to me and true to who I am. Shortly after my dad died my world collapsed on me and while some in my circle did their best to help bolster me up not all did and I was asked to take on adult responsibilities starting at the tender age of ten. I didn't mind the additional chores but what ate me up was that I was still trying to sort out my grief and I had to take on the emotional burdens of someone else. I knew that I couldn't do this but I killed myself off trying anyway I worked hard to be perfect but it was not enough. This ate me up for a long time and I grew up to doubt myself my choices and my decisions. This all changed for me a few years ago and now my metamorphosis is complete. I'm not the scared people pleaser who doubts herself anymore. It took longer than it should have but I finally was able to grieve the death of my father and put him in a proper place of respect and remembrance. Let me introduce you to who I am the true me...
I love and care for people including my friends I won't apologize for doing that
I believe in and have faith that miracles and things we can't explain can and do happen and I hold my faith dear to my heart.
I believe in peace and love and unity but that being said I WILL stand up for and fight tooth and nail for my family and those I love
Likewise I will stand up for myself and the right to be happy and to make my own choices
I will not be accountable for anyone else but me I learned through counseling that everyone is accountable for their own happiness, I can't control what anyone else thinks, feels or believes. I can't make someone like me who doesn't choose to.
I am intelligent and now that I believe that I want to find a way to get my higher education poo poo on anyone who doesn't believe that I can based on the past the past is the past and I am going to do it anyway.
I am no longer going to live in fear that something may happen or that I may get hurt we only have this one shot and life is too short to be lived in fear that being said I am going to love who I am going to love, I am going to laugh and I am going to try something new. I am going to take chances sometimes not reckless ones but chances none the less. This includes learning to ride on the back of my father in law's motorcycle and learning to shoot a gun and go hunting.

New Insights

Just as you get to know someone and think that you can't love or respect them anymore you get new insights that make you love and respect them so much that tears come to your eyes. That same thing happened today...Dad picked me up so I could do my laundry today while he and mom were at work and school but when he came home we talked for awhile and I learned a few things about him that I didn't know.
.......Dad would never force himself on anyone including me he waited for me to accept him as my father in law but now that I have he protects me and watches out for me like I was his own and this is a great source of comfort to me to know that I am looked after. My father in law is a BIG guy he can look gruff when he wants and he can look intimidating in his leather that he wears when he rides. I also know that he will do what it takes to protect the people that he loves. I call him the gentle giant. He is the perfect combination of tough and strong but gentle. Just as I have seen him stare someone down I have seen him lovingly and patiently hold a sleeping baby.
......Dad loves this country and will do what he can to honor those who serve that's why he is a part of the Patriot Riders they are a group of motorcyclists around the country who will honor those who have fallen by attending funerals and in some parts of the country literally circle around the love ones to protect them from protesters who come to the funerals to make trouble for the family. He and his group here attend funerals, welcome home soldiers and tonight they are presenting to a solider who almost lost his life three times on the operating table coming home with a service animal that they all chipped in to get for him. I come from a long line of patriotic family who love this country but while some feel it dad does it. I learned from him a long time ago his actions speak and when they do they speak loud and proud.
......I have noticed how dad just wants to be a dad he wants to have his kids with him and while he respects their marriages and spouses he wants to still be a part of their lives and it means so much to him when they are along with their spouses and when the time comes his grandchildren. He wants to stay connected and to stay close he doesn't say that he loves us but we all know he does. He shows it and to me one small action or act of love speaks more than 1000 idle I love yous.
......Dad is a deeply spiritual man and his faith means everything to him he doesn't speak about it but he feels it we talked a little today about it and I could tell. He tried to raise good moral children who would be good husbands and fathers and good wives and mothers.
These are just a few things that I have observed about my father in law and it just adds to the amount of love and respect that I all ready had. I love my own father of course no one could replace him and no one has tried but I can honestly say that as far as dad's go my father in law is second I love him and respect him more than I could have thought possible ten years ago when I met and fell in love with his son. I call him the gentle giant he is gruff looking and hard to get to know but once you do it is worth it. I really got lucky when I got my in laws I will never have kinder or more loving people we have had our disagreements but we have moved past all that and what is left now is nothing but love. Dad didn't have to love me he didn't have to take care of me or protect me but he does along with Damian and I couldn't feel more loved or blessed. I am so thankful for him and that I have him it really is such a blessing after many years of not having that in my life.

Goals for my class

Last years class went pretty well for the most part considering that I was thrown into it toward the end of the year and right before a major ward split but to be honest I was not happy with my teaching. I felt the kids deserved more activities and better prepared lessons. My goal for this year has been just that. Instead of waiting until Saturday night to look at the lesson I am looking at them a week in advance and preparing everything I need ahead of time. I also am going to post up a door sign to my classroom so the parents know how to find our room along with some other cute ideas I have. I also am starting to buy some simple supplies like crayons that I can let the kids use instead of getting broken well abused uhm I mean well used crayons from the library. I just make sure they take only a couple at a time and then put them back before they can get a couple of more. The kids are excited to use new crayons and can not wait for coloring time.I am feeling a difference because I am going into class more calm and prepared and not feeling rushed and anxious and that has improved my ability to facilitate a discussion with my class. I love this calling it has helped me more than anything else. I love those little Sunbeams and am proud of their successes.

A New Sunbeam Class

Today was the first day with my new class and it was a double fun adventure for me one I didn't know who all would be in my class until I got there and two it was all new Sunbeams who had just come up from nursery. I was so excited!!! I have 5 now and three came today and stayed granted two of them were with mom but that's okay. One little guy just wasn't having it but maybe he will come next week. We had a good lesson and a good activity and the poor little ones were so good they came from nursery when all they did all two hours was play and run around they had to sit still for quite a long time so I was quite proud of my little Sunbeams.