My world

Anxiety disorder and panic disorder really SUCK!!!! I constantly feel like I'm battling and just when I think I'm winning it strikes back a few blows. Most of it is gone and I'm doing much better the attacks still happen more so now that I'm out of 5-HTP for a few days more on that in a minute but I am able to control that part for the most part. They are intense my whole body aches and my chest tightens last night my chest tightened and I began to hyperventilate but that's my reality and I have to fight through it. I've learned how by reminding myself that as much as the panic attacks suck that they won't last forever and that they won't kill me. I try my best to breathe through them and I try my best to keep fighting. It's taking all I have right now to hang on and keep my big girl pants on and keep from unraveling all that I have fought to have right now. However I don't want to be thought of as weak I'm strong this is not an easy fight and I'm not running I'm not quitting. I ran out of 5-HTP awhile ago and for a short while I was okay and the 100mg capsules were actually too strong and I thought maybe that it was all in my head that they did anything for me. I was WRONG dead wrong I'm in frikken misery day and night it was not like this when I was taking them so I found a 50 mg I will take instead when I get the money together. I'm just so sick of people judging me and telling me to just get over it. Anxiety and panic disorders are real and they are devastating do you really think I get a kick out of feeling like this with insomnia, racing thoughts, my heart pounding and every muscle in my body tightening causing pounding headaches and a feeling like I can't even move I'm so stiff. Oh ya that's loads of fun sign me up. I didn't ask for this I didn't bring it upon myself it's a disorder to some degree that I have always had I have to learn to deal with it and control it it will always be there. I'm sick and tired however for being judged by everyone. I've been called weak I've been told that the pills I take are fake and that I just pretend they make me feel better you name it I've heard it and I'm done. Try walking a mile or two in my shoes before you judge please. I have no medical insurance and to be honest I don't want the risk of side effects so I will keep taking my 5-HTP to help balance out my brain chemistry and make this disorder easier to live with how is my taking this any different that anyone who takes an anti depressant. I don't understand that one at all to be perfectly frank and honest. I'm just fed up and tired of not being understood it's taking all I have to keep it together right now yet I'm being called weak if you think it's so easy why don't you try.

A safe haven

I fully understand this blog is public and that others read it however this is a place for me to express myself whether it be joy, elation, sorrow, frustration whatever while comments are welcome please take my blog posts at face value. Just because I'm having an occasional down day or frustrating day please don't assume the worst or that my life is falling apart or that I'm having a mega crisis because its far from that. I'm not going to paste a fake smile on my face if I'm not feeling up to it and occasionally blogging how I feel is a safe way for me to express whatever it is that I feel I need to then I can pick up the pieces, put my big girl pants back on and carry on with my life. I appreciate the concern of my loved ones and friends I really do however I'm not going to censure what I write or post and just because I get down sometimes it doesn't mean that my life is coming to an end it just means that I need to express emotions and what's going on before I explode and go postal on someone. I'm human too and that means I come with a variety of expressions and emotions and life isn't going to always be roses. Even when it's going pretty good it's got its struggles and challenges but I just climb over them one at a time and blogging on occasion keeps me sane enough to do just that.

Down but not out

It's amazing how just when you have one plan in mind Heavenly Father comes up with an even better one. I had posted awhile ago about working a second job or even getting more hours at Evergreen neither of those have born fruit like I wanted or thought I wanted. However, wonderful things are on the horizon for us such as Damian is doing wonderfully with his counseling he is still addressing emotional issues but has also been learning life skills and he is starting to do really well. He still has a way to go and still needs to reminded of certain things but he is starting to do great. He's starting the process of getting his A+ certification by starting to study so he will devote as much time as needed to that. I continue on at Evergreen although some days are better than others I think anyone can say that though about their jobs. I also am still looking for a second part time job we'll see what happens on that front that is up to Heavenly Father. I know enough to know that wonderful things are on the horizon for us I can feel it and we are being led to something wonderful as I'm learning to let him take the lead and let him take control he is opening doors and lining our ducks up into a nice row. Damian is learning the skills he will need as a father, he is learning a vocation that will be quite useful, and I have learned to lay my demons to rest so I do not pass them on accidently to the next generation. I'm temporarily sidelined but the game isn't over yet.