Blindsided

First off I screwed up in my last post I still have 12 to take but instead of 12 credits it is 12 classes. I am sorry that is my bad. I would have only had about 9 or so but I have to take a year of a foreign language in order to transfer to a four year school. Sorry my fingers typed that so fast I didn't know what the heck I had typed until the post was already up and people had commented. Sorry. Okay now back to the intent of this post. I HATE it when something major happens that primarily affects someone else but then you also become involved involuntarily and it becomes an uncomfortable situation for everyone involved. I can't help but feel blindsided and uncomfortable when that happens. Case in point, my brother in law and his wife have just recently decided to separate which is NOT our business that is theirs however we did become involved when Sunday dinner came for mom. The plan was for his wife to pick us up and she and I would put together dinner which I had most everything for and she was going to be doing desert. Well, that didn't happen she picked us up from where she has been staying was totally distracted it was a really uncomfortable car ride you could cut the tension with a knife. She reluctantly bought a pie for mom so at least she had something special for desert then she took us to what had been their house and while I was starting to make dinner she and my brother in law proceeded to talk and argue rather loudly out on the front lawn with their front door open. Damian was on his computer so he could tune it out but I couldn't so I at least closed the door so I wasn't eavesdropping but even then through the window I could hear it and they have double paned windows. Then after she had left he then decided to tell us about it and then the day before mom's birthday when mom and dad arrived he decided to drop the bomb on them. Dani wasn't there and she had no intention to be and that's fine that is their choice and their marriage but we didn't handle the situation well and neither did mom and dad but I'm sorry what did they expect I can't help but feel like they blindsided us. The dinner was really uncomfortable for everyone although dad and mom did try and lighten the mood some with humor. I know it's not our concern but something like Dani and I have decided to separate for a little while while we talk some things out would have been nicer than just pretending everything is normal and fine when it's not and then you can cut through the tension. With some advanced warning we could have taken the bus since Dani didn't want to be there. I don't like being blindsided at all and I don't handle that well at all one of my nervous habits is to talk too much when I get uncomfortable so that happened last night and then my brother in law got pissed at me. Well, I'm sorry what the heck did he expect and dad wasn't happy either and neither was mom well again I'm sorry this was supposed to be a celebration and a nice family dinner for mom's birthday that was NOT the right time for them to drop a bomb like that one everyone.

Back to school I go

For awhile now I have wanted to finish what I started after high school and that is my AA degree. Life got in the way but it's not too late and right now I believe that I can actually finish what I did start. For a long time I didn't feel like I would be able to go to school I couldn't brainstorm any other way to do it without only going to school which is just not practical. I couldn't afford to quit working full time to go to school full time. I have a good job that is full time days which is wonderful but I only have 12 credits left I want to finish them it would do a lot for me to finish this especially since I tend to quit on myself instead of pushing through to get something done. I have a plan to work full time and start taking classes as well utilizing the internet as much as possible. The few classes I will have to take on campus I plan on taking during the winter when I will be temporarily laid off. I think that is a plan that I can put into action. I think my mental outlook makes a HUGE difference I am more determined now to do something about my life and to make it better. This will be a part of that. I plan on then going to a four year university and pursuing a bachelor's degree it will be a lot of work and patience but I am realizing that it is something that I really need to do.

Clarification

I want to clarify my last post a little bit and why being so happy for my pregnant friends and family is such a blessing to me and a good sign that I have healed. Here's the situation I have always wanted babies my whole life I dreamed of being a mother. I grieved when I was first told about my PCOS as a teenager but I still held out hope. Damian and I made plans and dreamed and hoped about having our own baby but that was not to be. It reached a point where I would lay in bed refusing to move on Mother's Day crying so hard that I could hardly breathe. I would cry to the Lord whining to him about how unfair this was and I could not be heartily happy for anyone who was pregnant I wanted to be but just couldn't I would put a plastic smile on my face but on the inside I was screaming. I was happy for my sister with her babies but at the same I still would cry from time to time as I helped her assemble and get ready for her baby. I have to be totally honest I ached when I held Lexus for the first time I desperately wished it was my turn. Damian and I hoped that everything had turned around for us but we have slowly begun to accept the Lord's will. It is what it is and being hurt and upset will not help us at all. Now, I can be really truly happy for others and I truly adore my nieces and nephew they are the light in my life. I have in a way "adopted" my friend's kids as nieces and nephews. I have learned to realize that some women who desire to be mother's are not meant to be in this life but that some can be given the ability to mother children who for some reason or another have not had a mother that can care for them. Given how desperate I had gotten and how it was not good for my mental and emotional well being to be so upset I had to move forward I had to accept it and move on and see all the other blessings in my life. I can laugh when my nieces laugh, I can smile when they smile I can hold them and feel nothing but love and nurturing while I am holding them close. I can love them and give them my heart instead of focusing on pain and sorrow.

Aurora is here

Just a couple of days after I went to my friend Breck's house she had her baby girl. Aurora Quinn was born on Sunday afternoon weighing in at over 7lbs. She and her mother are doing just fine. I am so happy for my dear friend and I have no doubt that she will be a good mother. She has been sharing her pregnancy with me and she has been sharing her thoughts and feelings with me so much that I felt like I was a part of that and that is special to be part of something that means so much to a dear friend. Not to toot my own horn but this also means that my healing process is complete. When you can be deliriously happy for someone else without any pangs of regret or sadness you know you have healed and that wound is no longer festering. I am happy to know that this wound has healed for me because I wasn't going to adopt a child and become their mommy if I was still aching to be pregnant and give birth to my own. I was not going to do that to that child if I was going to adopt it was going to be with a heart full of love to give and I was going to give it all that I had. It also feels good to move on and to move forward and to be happy for and share in the happiness of my friends and family who have had or who are having babies.

Blanket Project

Damian has a family reunion coming up the middle of July and every year his family has an auction to help raise money for the next years reunion. Well, anyway I had the idea at first to make single layer fleece lap blankets but then I was talking to my good friend Breck who happens to quilt and make blankets along with her mother and she encouraged me to think twice about that decision. She had good reasons that of course I hadn't thought of since I don't know what I'm doing. One, fleece is extremely expensive and it would be hard for me to get enough money earned per blanket to make it worth it and two even one layer can get extremely heavy so even one layer in July would be too warm. Her idea involved some piecing and sewing but in the end it will be worth it. Her idea was to make nine patch squares and then link them together with a strip of fabric and then embroider the name of the family along with the year on the blanket. I told her that was great but I didn't know how to do that. She assured me that I would. Bless her heart she is nine months pregnant about to give birth any day now and I spent most of yesterday at her house as we searched through her fabric scraps finally settling on something that I probably wouldn't have chosen for myself but that will end up looking really cool. We also started cutting and she taught me how to do that it was easy once I figured it out and we started sewing. Again once I figured it out and what she was meaning since she doesn't give direction very well I could do that too. It was just straight seams. I am hooked now I want to save up my hard earned money to buy me a machine and start making my own blankets I think they would be awesome presents. She's also going to teach me how to embroider which is something I have always wanted to do. I think it's going to be awesome and I like learning new skills that I can use to help me learn how to be a domestic diva that's right I don't like the terms housewife or domestic engineer but I LOVE the word domestic diva.

Learning to trust in what I can't control

I hate to admit it but I have to...I'm a control freak I totally go nuts when I feel like everything is spiraling out of control or when I feel like I can't control the outcome of something. It's something I have struggled with my whole life but I'm trying to work on it I'm trying to trust more in Heavenly Father and his plan for my life and to let him do what is best. It's been hard to do this though but I would like to hope that I am starting to make some progress. I think I will feel a little better now that I have a job that I can truly love. I did the phone thing for years and to be honest I was kinda good at it but I didn't like being yelled at all the time that got to me after awhile so I am glad that I have a job now where that won't be happening on a minute by minute basis. I'm hoping this will be a new start for me. I am really trying to get my anxiety down to a more manageable level and I am thankful that so far that has been happening. I was having multiple anxiety attacks in a day some of them quite severe but now it's down to just a few every few months. I think that is a vast improvement especially considering that I am doing this without any professional therapy at the moment. I think what I am learning that is helping me is to do my best but let Heavenly Father do the rest and he will. He loves me and will take care of me I just need to let him. He has been sending me all kinds of people who love me and take care of me in various ways and he has given me a chance to feel productive again and work toward our goal of self sufficiency. I just needed to learn to be patient and trust in his timing and not my own. Not everything will be right now and that's okay I'll get there. I am really grateful for a loving gentle husband who holds me through my panic attacks and who helps me remember to have faith. He has the faith of a little child he never questions and that is something I am trying to work toward. I am really grateful for a couple of my good friends who can also talk me down when I am having an attack and who help remind me to breathe and that it will all be okay. I really appreciate having that and it's because of this that I no longer am having panic attacks that are so bad that my chest tightens and I hyperventilate. Well, at least not as often what can I say I'm a work in progress.

Girl Time

Saturday turned into an impromptu girls night out although it honestly didn't start out that way. Friday I got a job so of course I had to call everybody that I could to tell them all about it. I called Christina of course and while she was headed for work she still found a couple of minutes to cheer for me. Well, Saturday late morning she called me from her aunt's phone to talk with me about it and be thrilled for me which of course feels wonderful. It feels great when you feel that much love and support. That's what is great about her just like we help each other when we feel down we cheer for each other too. I also love her aunt Margie for understanding our friendship and letting us use her phone to talk to each other. Anyway, she asked what we were up to and so I told her we were going to go see Alice in Wonderland in 3D with Damian's mom and dad so she wanted to go really bad so she traveled from Mullen, ID to see it with us. We watched the movie and it was pretty good. We also had homemade pizza and I even made sure that I had her favorite pop on hand slushing in the freezer just like she likes it. Am I a good best friend or what lol? We got to talking of course like we always tend to do about fun stuff and about serious stuff and it was really good. Talking to a best friend is good therapy I couldn't stop grinning from ear to ear. Damian understood so he just gave me a hug and a kiss and said come to bed whenever you want to dear. Christina got a 1am chocolate craving so we went to Walmart and somehow we ended up from the food section with our chocolate and a little something for Damian and landed in the toy aisles and the health and beauty section and the home decor stuff. Did I mention Christina has ADD? That might explain part of that and like a best friend does she did let me tease her a little about it we would be going through an aisle and I would be talking to her she would be right behind me then I would turn around and she would be somewhere else. I would then have to say oooohhh shiny that's our little joke based on the bumper sticker I have attention deficit dis ooooh shiny. We had fun and that's when I think you know you have a best friend when you can have fun anywhere you go even in a Walmart and when they are willing to split their chocolate with you. I have a lot of wonderful friends male and female and they all make me smile but it's still nice to have that one best girl friend that really understands you. She lifts me up when I get down and can make me smile and she can also bring out the fighting spirit in me when I want to give up. She's amazing I am so grateful that God gave her to me. We did spend many many years apart but we are making up for lost time and I see now that I did miss something amazing when she wasn't there. She's become in some sense of the word an unrelated sister and that feels pretty darn cool.

Second Chances

I can't have a doubt right now about Heavenly Father's love for me or involvement in my life. I say this because just when I was so frustrated I was up tossing and turning and couldn't sleep out of worry and fear everything will be okay again. I got a job for the first time in a couple of years now and I couldn't be more thrilled. I worked for them assembling pictures in the past and they gave me a second chance. I don't plan on blowing it this time. I loved what I did and so I'm not going to let anyone talk me out of this job this time. Second chances are not easily given nor are they easy but I am grateful for one and I'm willing to prove to my new employer that they made a good decision to give me my second chance. It's my job to help assemble sports pictures and all the little extras into packets and then get them ready for shipping. I loved it a few years ago when I did it so I have no doubt that I will love it again. I'm just grateful it's a full time job with some possible overtime especially when some people are getting hours cut.

Finally Rolling Along

Anyone who knows me well knows that patience is not a virtue of mine. I've been working on it in recent years however. Being married helps give me practice and so does being an auntie to some adorable kids and teaching the Sunbeams in Primary. I especially get impatient when I want something really bad. Waiting is hard for me even though I know that it's necessary so I can prepare what I will need but still I get impatient when I want something really bad but still have to wait for it. We both want to be adoptive parents really bad but right now we know that won't be able to be a reality. We are working on changing that and while we are making progress it's still hard to be patient. Damian is working with DVR Division of Vocational Rehabilitation and I don't have any doubts that they will be able to do wonders with him and helping him become self sufficient. I am proud of him the biggest step is admitting you need help and then getting it. I am looking for employment so we can get out of the crappy trailer we live in and find something decent and while we are at it at least start paying down our debts. It's daunting when I think about all we need to do still to get our lives in order but in the end what keeps us going is the thought of being able to be adoptive parents and FINALLY having a child or two of our own. We just got to keep our eyes on the prize I guess.

My Cute Nieces

Last night Damian and I had a chance to have a family dinner at Grandma and Grandpa Christensen's house but even though the dinner was at their home they weren't the star attractions two cute little nieces were, Lexus and Kaylee stole the show. Damian and I haven't been able to see them since December and a lot has changed since then. Lexus is still well it's hard to describe her because she's a paradox but I'll try. She is still a bundle of energy, impish smile, full of so much love that her smile, kisses and hugs could probably melt the polar ice caps and bossy 2 and a half year old all rolled into one. I couldn't love her more for the way she is. Kaylee has changed the most she is 5 months old now and in addition to being awake more so I can see her pretty eyes she has learned to smile and let other people besides her mom hold her. It was a delight to hold her last night. Lexus and I spent some quality time too she is talking up a storm now and had to tell me about "school" her daycare and all the fun she has and about her friends. We played together she is so smart and I got more than a few of her wonderful loving hugs and kisses and I love you's. I can't imagine anything that warmed my heart more than my two little nieces.

For a reason

I truly believe that everyone who is in our lives is there for a reason and a purpose long or short. I have been blessed my whole life with many wonderful loving supportive friends. I have lost track of some and some have come back. It's wonderful when I don't see a friend or talk to them for ten years if not longer and with a little effort on our part it's like we were never apart. I have recently gotten in touch with a dear friend of mine Breck that I met in the sixth grade and she lived so close to me that we were always at each others house. We stayed close for a long time but then after I got married we drifted apart for awhile. I honestly think that we both had some growing up to do but now just when we needed each other we were brought back together. I don't think that's an accident. I treasure all my good friendships. It takes time and work to keep them going but the happiness and joy and love that results from them is worth the time, energy and effort. I love all my friends some of them have become an extension of my family there isn't anything that we won't do for each other or to help each other. That is a wonderful feeling to know that I am loved and cared for that much. Life is hard enough as it is I can't imagine how cold and hard and lonely it would be without a friend to help light your way and help you when you stumble and to keep you laughing when you would much rather cry. I am so thankful to a loving Heavenly Father who has surrounded me with all my dear friends and to them for all their patience with me over the years.

A scare

I haven't had internet for a few days and I was too spooked to blog about what I experienced until now so sorry for the delay. I have been in good health for the most part my whole life but when I was a child I didn't get periods like everyone else. I just thought I was a late bloomer that's what the doctors told my mom. It wasn't until I was almost done with high school that I was told that I have PCOS or Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome but they didn't explain to me what it was or how serious it could be so I just ignored it. Fast forward ten years of trying to get pregnant and having a baby and all that stress and hope and heart ache because I was told that many women who have PCOS go on to have healthy pregnancies. Why am I telling you all this well it's because I got a scare that taught me a lot. I honestly thought I was pregnant for a few months and my body mirrored all the symptoms but I couldn't get a straight answer all the local health clinic told me was that I was not pregnant they wouldn't investigate further. It took some severe lower abdominal pain and severe bleeding to get my answers. I went to the ER at Sacred Heart and they told me that what had happened was that some of my smaller cysts burst but I was lucky because I have several large cysts in my ovaries. They told me that the heavy bleeding is because I need to get my periods under control sometimes with PCOS you don't have them regularly so I need to get on hormones and that will help me manage this better. I also have to avoid extreme sports so I don't rupture a big cyst and hemorrhage. I was scared to hear all this but at least I know the truth so I can take care of me. I also learned that becoming pregnant will be next to impossible but I am honestly okay with that. I did learn in addition how many people do love me and care about me and I honestly appreciate that. It was a little scary but it could have been a lot worse so I was really blessed and really fortunate.