God Works in Mysterious Ways Sometimes

First off let me say this I am still awed and amazed at how Heavenly Father works and arranges things. Things have happened in the last several months that have tested a principle for me that has helped increase my faith and capacity for love and understanding. I don't have a problem forgiving and letting bygones be bygones people make mistakes and things happen that's not an issue. The issue for me is to pray for the people who have wronged me for lack of a better word although that's not the best word either and to sincerely pray for them and their happiness. I tried this recently and to my amazement as I prayed for them and their wellbeing my anger actually subsided. I actually started to genuninely wish them well and pray they would be. I also have learned that now that I am armed with this lesson that Heavenly Father has put me back on a collision course to meet up with someone whom I told myself I was done dealing with. I now don't feel that way and I feel like I can wipe the slate clean and of course set up some boundaries but fair boundaries like a no gossip rule what so ever on both sides along with a rule to not pry and respect each other's privacy so that way lying and hurting each other is not deemed necessary. I don't know how it will work out but either way I have learned the way Heavenly Father wants us to forgive and I have learned why he has asked us to pray for people we have deemed to be our enemies and for the people who have hurt us. Either way I'm also thankful for the humility I have recieved in learning that I am not a perfect being and in learning how to more fully forgive and feel love in my heart even for someone who is not easy to love.

The 5 Love Languages

I have learned a lot about my husband and myself for that matter in the last 24 hours more so than I have in the last 9 years or so that my husband has been in my life. I noticed that Damian and I were getting too comfortable too much into a rut but I hear that is normal when you have been with the same person for a long time so in order to shake things up a bit and hopefully prevent us from becoming bored with one another I found a really good book called "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. The idea is that each person out there speaks a certain love language or languages and that once you and your partner know which ones you speak then you can better show your partner that you love them in a way they will understand and feel that love. To help accomplish this you take an assessment privately and then share your results. I swear Damian and I took our tests separately but what we found out is that we do indeed share the same love languages we both need quality time in order to feel loved, physical touch that might explain why I love and crave hugs and kisses so much and we also need to hear words of appreciation from our partner. Now that we know this about each other we are so much more in tune with each other and we both know what we need to do to show love for each other in a way that we can understand. We also have realized that we have gotten too much into a rut and too comfortable we just assume our partner knows how we feel we have gotten out of the habit of showing and telling each other exactly why we are with them and what we love about them. By the way just so you know the rest of the book is broken up into sections going into detail about each love language and exactly how to speak it which is helpful if you end up speaking totally different languages from your partner in life.

My Love/Hate Relationship with Technology

Okay so Damian and I have had a hard time keeping a phone line going as many of you are well aware so since we have high speed internet Damian went to his friend's house who had an extra Magic Jack device and he got it from him for us to use as long as he agreed to help him out for the next couple of days. So Damian brought it home and it's a device that plugs into your computer then you plug a regular telephone into it as well and it allows you to make local and long distance telephone calls as well as recieve then and when you aren't able to answer it lets the person leave a voice mail. Damian of course embraces new technology easily so he got us all set up it's free for our first year then twenty dollars a year after that but of course I'm trembling. I think it's cool that we can call for practically nothing all our long distance and local family and friends and it's a phone line we can afford to keep going but what scares me is that I won't know how to use it right etc etc. Basically it's a new concept and while I will adjust to it and how to use it anything new especially anything that is new and a tech thing scares me until I do get used to it. I just don't want to screw anything up.

I got up the courage to read his biography

Okay, it wasn't easy at first but last night I got up the courage to read my dad's biography and I didn't stop until I had read it from cover to cover. I had to admit that it was really well written and I learned a lot about him and about his life. My grandma covered everything she could remember up until the end of his mission, then my mom took over. I really learned some things about my dad that I didn't know and now I know where I get some of my sometimes annoying habits from, for example I tend to pace and not just when I am nervous. I hate sitting still when I am on the phone I just have to get up and walk around I guess my dad used to do the same thing. I also cried a little when I read all the touching accounts of him that my mom and my aunts and uncles shared. I understand why he was called home his mission on life was over but I still miss him and sometimes it's hard for me to not have him here when I love him so much it's hard not to be selfish and want him to be here. However, I felt bad about that and I said a little prayer thanking Heavenly Father for letting him be my dad for 10 years and for giving me a really good man to be my dad. I also asked Heavenly Father to help me deal with missing him and then I felt a really good gift come I felt warmth around my shoulders and I know all too well what that feeling is it is my dad giving me a hug and I am okay again. I guess it just gets hard when I can't see him or be with him or talk to him but when I can feel him nearby and I feel at peace and comforted I'm just fine again. I'm so thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who understands that and loves me enough to let me still feel my father's love. I am going to be 29 this year but I guess you are never too old to still be hugged and loved by your parents.

In Memory of my father

Today was a day like any other day until tonight around 10 pm when my grandparents who were on the way home from the airport stopped by our house and dropped off the biography of my dad's life that has been talked about and worked on for a long time. It has my grandma and grandpa's recollections of him along with all his siblings, my mom's and my own. I haven't read it myself but I heard it was good and well written. I have mixed emotions about it, I am excited to know and learn more about the man who was my dad and was a part of my life for 10 years before he was killed by a drunk driver but on the other I'm sad that I have to read about him when most people get to ask their parents directly. It's okay though I miss my dad dearly and think of him from time to time and wonder what would it be like if he were still here but on the other hand I have made my peace with losing him. I know that Heavenly Father had a plan for that like he does everything else and I guess he needed him more than I did. I loved my dad very much and miss him because of the father he was, he was the kind of man who showed his love by word and deed and he loved to laugh and make jokes. He knew when to be serious though and when I needed him to be strong he was and I knew I could rely on my dad to make everything better. I also loved how he listened to me intently no matter how big or small it was he cared and not many people will take the time to listen to a little kid much less care what they have to say. I respected and loved him for that. I loved how he taught me by action how to love and care for others, that is how he lived his life. He died with little to no material wealth but he died with many friends and many people who he touched in some way. I guess you could say he left behind a legacy of love something which I strive to emulate. I was blessed with my dad's personality and love for people, I didn't always think of it as a gift sometimes I thought of it as a curse but now I don't fight it anymore I just go with it and try to do my best to help make the world a better place. I am not trying to boast at all I just am saying that's what my dad did he loved people, he actually cared about you even if he barely knew you and he would do his best to try and leave this world just a little better than when he found it. I miss him and love him but I am at peace with why he had to leave me when I was so young, it was just the way it was. I know where he is and I believe that families are forever, I will be with him again.

Sorry about my last post

Alright I'm sorry about my last post as far as moaning and groaning goes and I don't want to smack my sister in law after I calmed down and talked to a wise friend of mine who keeps me in check sometimes I realized she was just excited and justifiably so. I am sorry I was so sensitive for the most part I am okay with my lot in life to not be pregnant but I'm not perfect yet and I still admit that some days aren't so great. I did mean what I said about my family though that they should support us in our decision to foster a child but I guess we don't live in a perfect world so I have to take what I can get.

A little Moan and Groan sorry but that's how I feel right now

Today was my sister in law's baby shower for my little nephew to be born and don't get me wrong I'm going to love my nephew to pieces that is not what this post is regarding. What does get me is when she was sitting there today amongst her gifts saying I can't believe this is FINALLY happening for us. I smiled big and was supportive but deep down I was mixed between wanting to cry and wanting to smack her. I understand that she and my brother have had fertility issues I get that but they also have only been married for like 3 years 4 max I have been married and waiting 9 this June. For the most part I have been strong and accepted God's will for my life and submitted myself 100 percent to whatever he wants for me. I also love fully my niece's and nephew's and give all my love to them without question and without pain. I also don't moan and groan like I used to lamenting about not being a mother I even decided this year to willingly honor all the mom's in my family and am going to get my mom, my sister and sister in law Mother's Day gifts because they deserve to be recognized. However, where I draw the line is when I accknowledge her pain and frustration and have been supportive of both of them but when it comes to me forget it. I love her dearly I really do it just really hurts that I'm not even recognized at all it's like I'm invisible she and my sister were talking about babies today and it was like I had evaporated or something. I also am getting like zero support from them for wanting to be a foster mom I am not getting anything at all love and support wise just them saying well you know the process right and it will take a long time you know that right and well I don't know if you and Damian will pass the criteria etc etc etc and it really stings bad. I know in my heart this is right for us this is not a decision that was made lightly only after much fasting and prayer have we decided that this is what God wants for us he has been lining up our ducks so we can do this and if he wants us to he will find a way. It just really hurts bad that my family can't be supportive of anything we do and this is coming from my mom and sister and her husband and other members of my immediate family mind you. I'm sorry God may have not allowed me to have a biological child but that does NOT mean I am unfit to be a mother. I am going to do his will anyway and you know what it will happen for us if he wants it to and in my heart and soul I feel there is a child waiting for me to be it's mother.

Ode to my niece and to my little nephew who is on his way

This post is dedicated to the two little ones who are in my life well one that will be very soon who have and will do much to heal up my heart over not being able to have little ones of my very own. My heart has always ached to be a mother and I was blessed with lots of love when it comes to children for me it's natural for me to see a baby and want to smile and coo at it although when I do so often times I look silly but I don't really care. Lexus Madison O'Hara was born almost 20 months ago and that day was the beginning of a really special bond between her and I. I had mixed emotions I must admit all during my sister's pregnancy however most times I was almost as excited as they were especially when my sister let me witness the ultrasound where they found out they were having a little girl and when I got to feel her kicking. I was there at the hospital even before Lexus had been born an hour and I got to hold her she was healthy and strong and a very content baby, she still is. I left for a little while but came back that evening and she was bright eyed and happy to be passed around from one adoring person to the next. I was there for her first couple months of life too and enjoyed being able to hold her, change her and even assist with feeding her from time to time. I felt love for her soar and grow within me such love as I never thought could be possible and the long held wound over not having my own baby slowly began to heal and I found a way to still love and protect this little one. My sister and brother in law have been overall supportive of this close bond I have with this sweet little girl they know that the more love a child has the better off they will be. My theory is that it takes a whole family to raise a child and Lexus will grow up knowing she is loved and supported. Now she is becoming a little person and learning and growing each day, she does and says things that sometimes are cute and sometimes she gets into trouble. She is laughing and hugging and blowing kisses and starting to know the people in her life and wanting to play and interact with them. I am amazed at how quickly she is growing and how well she is doing and my heart loves her more. She knows her Auntie and comes to me readily and we are starting to share a very special bond. I also have a little nephew that is coming in early Spring and although he hasn't come yet I'm eagerly awaiting his arrival and I can't wait to meet him. I know that I will love him too just as much and I hope that we too will share a special bond and that he too will know how much I love him and that I will love him just as much as his cousin. God may not have blessed me with a baby of my own but he has been good to me giving me two precious gifts and being an auntie has been a wonderful life changing experience for me. My cup has runneth over and my days of being an auntie have just begun.

How Much My Family Means to me

I have had time to think lately especially now that I am on good terms with both my siblings how much family really does mean to me. It was an aweful feeling when my brother was not speaking to me and when he did there was a mean sound to his voice. Now it is a joy to talk to him and hear love and kindness in it and to have nice meaningful conversations. I didn't think about it when we were younger but now I appreciate all the members of my family and their place in my life. I hated being the older sister the nag the one who had to enforce the rules but now we are all equals and adults and I am happy that we have all gained a mutual respect for one another. So to all my family members out there I love you.

New Year New Me

It's that time again the time when a new year begins and a time when people think about their lives and what they can work on. I am no different I have been doing a lot of thinking about what I can work on this year and I came up with some ideas. In addition to eating better and getting healthy this year I also have other things in mind. I plan on really trying to be a better person this year meaning I will be more patient and more loving with those around me whom I love. I also will try to be more forgiving and positive and try and take the high road when someone does occasionally offend me instead of letting it get under my skin. I also really want to make sure that I can get my spiritual life back in order this year enough so I can renew my temple recommend which I haven't done in a long time for reasons that are so stupid that they cease to exist. So here's to the new year and hopefully to a new me by the end of 2009.