Thanksgiving Festivites

Today was Thanksgiving and Damian and I had a good one. We went to my mom's where Gwynne and James made us all a wonderful turkey dinner with all the fixings. We sat down together and were able to be together and have a good time and that is what matters the most to me. After dinner and a little play with Lexus she is getting to be too darn cute for her own good. James, Gwynne, Damian and I settled down at the dining room table to play a new version of electronic monopoly and it was a lot of fun we finally decided to call the game though because it was taking forever, it was fun though. Then our brother called they had been invited to be elsewhere but he wanted to check in with us. Also we decided that since money is tight all around for everyone that we decided to draw names for us six siblings including spouses and we all would buy for mom and our nieces and nephews present and future we decided we would do that every year. That works for me honestly....for me Christmas isn't about the gifts it is about being with the ones you love. I also feel it's more important for the kids to have a Christmas I would feel extremely guilty to know that I had robbed my nieces and nephews of a Christmas just so their parents could get me a gift. We also set a budget so that way we don't go crazy. I like the new arrangement we do something similar on Damian's side with his siblings and it works out well. I'm also excited that now that Thanksgiving is over I am able to start listening to Christmas music. This year by also simplying the gifts that are given Damian and I are wanting to start focusing more on why we really celebrate Christmas it's too easy to get caught up with the glitter and glitz and gifts but it's so much more than that. Happy Thanksgiving all!!

Already Warmer in my house

I put up plastic finally over all the windows in my house and it's already feeling warmer in here not only that but our heating system is a central heating system meaning that once the thermostat is set the heat kicks itself on and off based on the set temperature and we haven't heard the heating system kick itself on as much so that tells us that heat is being kept inside. I'm happy that so far I have been able to turn the thermostat down and still keep it warm in here I used to have to crank my thermostat to nearly 80 to get some kind of warmth but now I can keep it at around 70 during the day and at night since we are sleeping and we don't need the extra heat we turn it down to about 65. I'm glad the plastic is seeming to work I haven't gotten an updated bill yet but I think that I will see some kinds of savings this winter based on the fact that I don't have to crank the heat up. Here's to hoping.

Finalizing Thankgsgiving plans and other things

Damian and I are heading out to my mom's for Thanksgiving and last night my sister called me to confirm everything down to heading out to our house on Wed morning to pick up the ingredients for stuffing and the potatoes. I love my sister I really do she is a sweet heart and I know she has a lot on her plate right now but she really needs to get a personal calendar or planner or something because she called to go over details with me that we have already gone over countless times even down to all the ingredients I bought. I love her though!! I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving although I'm not crazy about turkey I like the idea of being with family and about thinking about what we have been blessed with and what we have been given to be thankful for. I am also excited to see Lexus again any chance I can get to see her is awesome. I love that little one very much especially now as she is old enough to hug me back and interact with me she is definitely getting to be so much more fun. I also have decided that part of Thanksgiving for me and also as part of an early New Year's resolution I will try my best to let by gones be by gones and just let things go when stuff is said and done. I'm better at doing that than I used to be but I still have a ways to go on that. I will start by letting comments go that were said by one of Damian's ham buddies I will let that go knowing that he doesn't know the whole situation behind Damian's mood swings etc so it's not worth getting flustered about. Fingers crossed as we get closer to Thanksgiving and the holidays for better things to come.

Focusing on what I have been given

I know Thanksgiving isn't for a little while yet but I have been starting to think about and focus on the gifts in my life instead of on what I lack. I have been given much when I really start to think about it. Here is but a short list of the many things I have to be grateful for every day:
-My husband we have had our ups and downs and we have lived through for better or worse but at the end of the day I am so grateful he is in my life I love him more every day that goes by.
-A warm place to live although it is falling apart it is a roof over my head to keep me dry and safe and warm
-Plenty of food to eat
-The knowledge I have of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ this has given me more hope and strength than I could have imagined
-Dear true friends the kind who become like family I love you all so very much
-My family as a whole I love you all
-My niece, Lexus her sweet sun shiny personality warms me to the very core and I am grateful I get to have her in my life to love and adore especially since she has learned to give hugs and kisses...there is nothing better than the sounds of a child's laughter and to be kissed and hugged by them
-I'm thankful for our two wonderful loving cats, cloud and nermal and how much happiness they give us
-I'm thankful for this country that we live in and for the men and women who fight hard and sacrifice everything for it's freedom and the right we all have to enjoy this land.
-I'm thankful for simple pleasures such as warm cozy blankets and hot cocoa
but I think that most of all I am thankful that I have been given challenges in my life I never thought I would ever say that but I see how every obstacle in my way helped me grow and change and become better as a person. I can see how Heavenly Father uses them to mold me into a better person and as a result I see the personal growth I have a long way left to go but I'm on my way thanks to hard times in my life where I thought that I would snap in half but somehow I got through it and in the process got just a little bit stronger.

I think I see where I need to go now and what I need to do

I have been struggling a long time with a lot of issues with the Lord especially because after over 8 long years of being married I still have not been blessed with biological children. I used to mourn that fact and murmer and complain but all that got me nowhere and in fact made my life worse because I was miserable. Now though I have learned a lot more about how the Lord works and am learning how to trust him so much more no matter where he leads me. I have been learning to take his hand and just follow without uttering a sound until I see for myself that where he led me is so much better than where I had originally planned on going. It's the same way with children I have lately been doing more praying and soul searching and I have started to realize that I have been barking up the wrong tree, I have a pretty strong feeling now that I was designed to be a mother however the children will not be my own right now. Damian and I when we can move to a safer apartment and when we can get his bipolar under control feel strongly that we need to foster children and that although it may take some time that is how our children or at least our first child will come into our lives and our family. I don't know about any other children if I will be blessed with a biological child or if we are to adopt more or even if we are supposed to have only one I don't know that much yet but I do feel strongly in my heart and throughout my whole being that adoption is what we need to do so we are preparing ourselves in every way possible for that to happen. I'm open to that I'm open to giving my love to a child and loving them completely...I may not be their biological mother but I would be their mother in every way that matters in my heart. I love the movie Tarzan because even though Tarzan was human to his ape mother the one who loved him and raised him he was her son I feel the same way about adoption. I also love the song made for that movie by Phil Collins "You'll be in my Heart" that song sums up how I feel about adoption and any child that I will be blessed to recieve into my life one way or another.

Two Faced People Round Two

I can't believe that I need to post this again this is really starting to get on my nerves. I want to clarify some things with some people in my life, I was known growing up and in High School as a good friend to a lot of people and I'm proud of that I love my friends very much and I had all kinds from all walks of life.Many of them also gave me so much love and support it knocked my socks off and to those wonderful loving people who did more for me than you can ever know I am not talking about you, also to the wonderful friends I have found later on in my life I'm not talking about you either. What I am talking about is a select few I have given love too and unconditional support and hours of my time on an ongoing basis and then what I get in return is drama and more drama, confidences I shared are broken and then when I need something you disapppear not talking to me for some unknown reason but then miraculously you show up again when your life bottoms out and I am needed again all without accknowledging that hurt was caused and at least trying to talk about it and make the problem right. I do not want to be accused to not forgiving because that would be wrong I have forgiven I have no ill will toward anyone however that does not mean that I must remain a door mat for anyone to walk on. I have a loving and giving nature I have been given that and I like to use it to love and care for my friends I will give you anything that is in my power to give including my time, my love and support, etc however I can't just keep blindly giving. I used to think that I could but over a long period of time I became emotionally bankrupt and I had a nervous breakdown and needed to get some counseling which I did and a miracle happened I learned that I can say no and have boundaries and that a good and real true friend would respect that I had to tell them no once in a while and that they would respect my boundaries and not cross them. So that is what I have done and for the most part it works well I give and love and help as I can but sometimes on occassion if it means that it would completely tap my resources I have to say no and my friends understand. I am not being selfish or mean spirited I am respecting myself and I am asking to be respected in return. The problem lies with some people in my life who want to walk all over me, take confidences that I tell them and gossip about it like we are still in high school and worse than that have no remorse for how I am treated at all but then accuse me of being heartless when I am not there for them. I am not heartless at all I feel for your situation but at the same time I am a human being with worth too and I need to be treated with equal respect. Being a friend does not mean walking on another person or telling them what to do like they are a child and it doesn't mean that you blab everything they tell you to everyone else. I am not perfect in any of this as well but I am trying especially to not gossip because I have seen first hand what it does to people and how much it hurts them. Think twice before you tell me that I am heartless and cruel about how maybe there is a reason why I am telling you no and it just might be because I am tired of being told what to do, I'm tired of giving and giving and giving to you and getting nothing back at all including some respect, I'm tired of not being able to trust you, I'm tired of gossiping about my famiy and friends and I'm tired of walking on eggshells all the time so you don't get mad at me for some retarded reason and decide to just stop talking to me instead of being an adult and talking it out. I have a newsflash for those people conflicts among friends happen from time to time it is inevitable even among the best of friends but real friends work it out and talk it out they just don't give their friend the cold shoulder and then decide when it is convenient to start talking to them again and just pick up the friendship where it left off I'm sorry but it doesn't work that way. I am not harbering any ill will toward anyone but enough is enough too I have to also love and take care of myself once in awhile because if I don't I will not have the energy that I need to be a wife to my husband, a daughter or a sister or even a friend to anyone. I have to sometimes first and foremost take care of myself and if according to some people I am being selfish when I do then fine I am being selfish.

Random Things

I just realized that I haven't posted in awhile which is rare for me actually I love blogging. I was going to stop blogging about Damian's bipolar but I was informed that I was kinda helping someone who reads my blog deal with her similar situation so sorry more blogging about that topic there will be. Damian has been calming down a lot so it's been easier for me to deal with, he still has episodes and he still has severe moods but over all luckily for us both he has been able to cope with them a little better. Good thing since we finally found a dr. that will accept his medical coupons however they don't have an opening until January so we are on the waiting list and we have no choice but to wait and wait and wait some more. Meanwhile he is learning how to deal with his illness and learning to cope which will be helpful when his treatment starts since meds alone will not help him get well he will have to help himself too. Cloud, his black cat is his lifeline he literally sometimes is the only reason he gets out of bed when his depression gets really bad Cloud gets him out of bed because he needs to be fed and cared for and once Damian gets up he's fine and is able to deal with the rest of the day. I'm happy too that sometimes Damian's mind clears up a little and we are able to really have a conversation and really interact as a couple I miss him when his mind gets to where although he is in the same room as me it feels like he is a million miles away, it's a very lonely feeling. I'm proud of him too how he has been able to really focus lately and help me strategize some things like how we are going to get out of here when our lease is up and where in town we should start apartment hunting. I'm proud of him because that task used to rest squarely on my shoulders but now we are both carrying that burden and that makes me happy that he is reaching a point where he can somewhat function if he can do this well without any medication it gives me hope that once he is one his medications that he should be able to function really really well.

Can't Keep My Silence Any Longer

I have different political views than many members of my family I do not vote a straight ticket for either party I do my research I look at the candidates as people not as part of a political party. This does not make me a communist or an evil person I personally feel it makes me an informed voter someone who is not blinded by the party. I am angry right now at some things said by some people I know this is a free country and all but why is it that when I would criticize Bush because I'm sorry there were many things he has done that myself and many other American's did not approve of that is why he will be leaving office with an extremely low approval rating but that is not okay but yet America voted last night and by an overwhelming majority we as the American public made history and voted for our first black President President Elect Obama and already criticisms are being made and he hasn't even been given a chance yet. You know that is really sad to me because have we really reached a point even when our country is in severe crisis that we can still be so petty as to not rally behind our chosen leader and at least give the man a chance. I personally feel and I would have felt the same way had McCain been the one elected that now is the time for this country to unify itself and try and make things better for all of us and not be caught up in petty party arguements about which people are better Republicans or Democrats who cares honestly aren't we all Americans don't we all put our pants on one leg at a time. Also obviously Obama is patriotic because isn't he following the American dream don't most people dream to be President give him a chance to see what kind of leader he will be before judgements are made.