Alright time to get refocused

I was just talking with a friend of mine about my goals going into this new year and she suggested I write them down. I think I can go a step further and by writing them down here I am counting on you my dear friends and family to keep my accountable and to help me keep focused. I know what my fatal error was I had fallen back into my old habits of trying to help everyone else and take care of everyone else and of everything. Before I know it I am sucked into all their issues and concerns to the point where I feel hopeless to help or do anything and I turn to food more importantly sugar and empty carbs to help comfort me. They don't do anything good so what I am going to do is this year I'm going to take a step back and take care of me and my health my PCOS isn't going to take care of itself and to be frankly honest some things won't change or correct themselves simply because I'm involved or not involved so I might as well get serious this year and do this right. That being said and done here are the things I want to accomplish in the next 12 months.

1) Get back to the basics of counting and tracking my calories and food intake again all day every day
2) Reduce fast food, empty calories, sugar and simple carbs
3) Increase my fiber intake 
4) Increase the amount of water I drink
5) Exercise at my target heart rate daily for as long as I can stand it gradually increasing my stamina and endurance
6) Keep a balance in my life and keep reminding myself that it is not selfish of me to want to take care of myself and my welfare and well being. 

A not so proud moment......

I was doing great I was chugging along I was so excited about my progress then well I fell off the bandwagon. One thing I had not accounted for in my plan for a healthier lifestyle was what I would do if life got hectic and crazy and emotionally draining. I didn't realize that when things get crazy and hectic and stressful all I want and crave is carbs and sugar and lots of it. Nothing else will satisfy and that's not helpful when you are trying to lose weight and get healthy. On top of that I know cognitively that those things don't help and that my worries were still there and I felt worse because of the way my body is designed if I eat those things I go back to feeling like crap. So there I feel better after confessing so where do I go from here? Well, I think the best thing to do is get back up brush myself back off and get started again. This time with a plan in mind for moral support I know its out there I just tend to get stubborn and not want to ask for it. I think I can do everything and take care of everything myself. I am excited that my step came now I can do step aerobics and that's a form of exercise that burns a lot of calories that I also do enjoy. I think that is extremely important doing something that you actually want to do. I am also hoping that once I start exercising again more of those feel good chemicals will be released into my body and I won't be craving the bad stuff as much. I have to remind myself that nothing worthwhile is ever easy and that from time to time I'll struggle or not do so well but that I just need to get back up and try again. My habits didn't get bad overnight and I can't turn them around overnight. I just need to remember why I'm doing this and let that motivate me when things get really tough. 

A proud proud moment

Tonight my gift from my cousin came she promised she would send me a scale before Christmas and she did so. I of course had to try it out I have not been to TOPS in a month and a half so I was just a little bit nervous. I wondered if I had learned enough to keep going on my own. I wondered if I had let myself slip since I didn't know what I weighed but I didn't have anything to worry about I was down 3 more pounds 13 total. That isn't a lot really but a loss is a loss and I'm proud of it. I'm proud that I kept going without a group to keep me on track that gives me confidence that I can do this on my own and keep the weight off because that means I've been learning to have complete self control. This will be a key ingredient to my lasting success. More exciting things will be on the horizon for me as I get re motivated with my exercise I'm more excited to get back on that bandwagon now that I have a better way to judge my progress. I also realized I'm only 5 lbs away from once again being at the lowest weight I've been since before I graduated from high school but the difference I'm not stopping there. It may take time but I am determined to get down to my goal weigh. I of course know I will have to make smaller goals my goals are going to be gauged every 2 months. It is my goal every 8 weeks to lose a total of 10 lbs I'm almost out of my 280s now so come Dec 1st I will see what I can do between then and Feb 1st. Along with that I hope to measure myself of course to get the whole picture with what is going on. So excited with my new scale and the great tool it will be on my mission to a new healthier stronger more confident me. 

Feeling so much better

Since my last post life has been just as chaotic as usual but the difference I am not feeling anxiousness or feelings of hopelessness my experiments have been working. I have realized and been practicing this one simple thing I am not in control of anything or anyone else but me. I can't control what someone else thinks feels does etc but I can control my reaction. I have learned that I only have so much energy and I can use my energy wisely and where it will do the most good or I can use it worrying and trying to change things and situations that I don't have any direct control over. I decided that the time has more than come for me to work smarter not harder. I have given up TOPS for the moment the group not the lifestyle I've been a part of two groups now and have had the same drama that I found at Weight Watchers so what I do now is I still do what I've been doing eating better and making good choices and I still exercise but when I need support I reach out to friends and loved ones. I wish I knew what I weigh though the downfall I don't yet have a scale but that's okay. I don't need the drama weekly just to know what the scale says its just not worth any of it. However I will say this out of my first TOPS group I met a great person who has turned into a wonderful supportive friend so that wasn't a total waste of my time or money. I don't know yet if we will try to find another meeting or not meanwhile we just try and keep doing the smart things at home. 

Recent Musings and things I've Realized

After this last week when I had a mini breakdown I had to realize some things with the help of a brutally honest friend who helped me look at myself and helped me break the cycle for good. It's really quite simple I've gotten out of balance and have tried to do too much and have tried to run faster than I have strength. I tend to want to mother hen everyone and everything I always have since I was a kid sometimes this loving nurturing nature is a great thing and sometimes it runs amok. So what I'm going to strive to do when I am tempted to intervene when I shouldn't etc is remember that the world will not fall on its axis if I don't rush in and help. I will remember that it is critically important that I care for the needs of myself and small family (meaning Damian) first then branch off from there. I will remember to use no sorry I can't more and not feel guilty for saying it and I will remember that if someone can't find the answers for or want to help themselves first then I won't be able to help them and I will not feel guilt. I feel so much better now that I got to the bottom of what's going on and now I can work at it and work on it hopefully things can stop going into chaos mode now that I know for certain what is going on. 

The Greatest Love of all

Going back through time and my life I never truly believed that self love was real I knew to love others and I did that instinctively but I never thought of loving and caring about myself and that that could be an extension of caring for other people. This whole summer has been a journey for me in learning how to re balance my time, my energy, my perspective everything. I've been learning new habits and trying to change old ones some I still struggle with and some have become second nature already. I've discovered self control and the empowerment that comes with that feeling of allowing myself moderation. I've discovered in the process that its okay to love yourself that its okay to take care of you and love who you are and push yourself to be better. I've realized that I need to get back to what motivated me to start this in the first place and that's because I want to feel better about who I am and myself. I want to move better and have more energy and more pep in my step I'm sick of being sluggish all the time. I think I temporarily lost track of that its not about the numbers its not about contests its not about who can lose the most plain and simple this is about me and taking care of me and making sure that I'm around a good long time. If that sounds selfish I don't care I'm tired of putting myself last when it comes to my health and well being. 

Summer Weight Loss Challenge

Well the summer weight loss challenge we had at TOPS is over and I think I did quite well for only being a member 7 or so weeks. I lost 9lbs meeting my goal of making it out of my 290s I also lost about 4 or so inches which is obvious because I did lose a size and I'm well on my way to losing another which will put me in a size 22 I haven't been in a 22 since I was in my teens. I'm proud of that it sounds so small so insignificant but in addition to those 9lbs lost I also have gained more energy, more stamina, more self confidence. I don't look at food the same way I check out food labels and nutritional information when I go out somewhere to eat. I don't deprive myself but I also am careful to enjoy in moderation mindful of frequency and portion sizes. I don't look at physical activity the same way I am moving better and faster and am less winded I look forward to moving and being more active. I am less anxious and stressed as I learn how to manage it better instead of just dulling it with food. I feel great and I'm looking forward to a personal challenge of another 6 or so weeks what I can do then. My goal is to make it out of my 280s which is reachable because I am currently 288 this includes Labor Day. People are freaking out all around me but I am not worried because if you really change your life and not just view TOPS or view weight loss as a "diet" or "torture" etc you can enjoy your life and your holidays just very carefully making deliberate choices. When I started this I knew it had to be forever to stick and it is becoming that way ever so slowly I was a pop and sugar junkie NOPE not anymore. I hated vegetables and shunned fruit now the produce department is becoming my friend. I used to love carbs and sugar but now I enjoy them but not as often and I feel so much more alive so much better. That's important to note because my body is insulin resistant. The carbs I do enjoy are from whole grains mostly things that give life we're still getting used to our food going bad quicker but that's a good thing!!! It means they aren't loaded with preservatives. I'm not a saint far from it I still enjoy packaged and boxed food but again its all about a balance this has to be my life not just a diet or a fad but forever. I am proud of what I am accomplishing and the self control I'm learning and that has been spilling over into other parts of my life. Just imagine what I can do this time next year and how much lighter I'll be then.

The first month

The first week or so of my new healthy lifestyle was pure torture I felt like my stomach couldn't stop rumbling. It wasn't because I wasn't eating enough I was consuming 2000 or so calories a day. The reason it was raging a mutiny on me was because for so long I had ate whenever I wanted without any rhyme or reason so it had to get used to eating a set amount of food and that was it. It's gotten so much better and so much more has changed that hadn't before. I'm almost 5lbs lighter and I feel like I have lots of spunk and energy and drive that I didn't have before. I drink more water and less soda way way less soda. I still eat pizza and other things I'm just more selective of what goes on it etc. I also am more selective about what goes into my grocery cart it is no longer a race down the aisles throwing stuff in as I go. I stop and grab fruits and vegetables and other healthy things and no longer buy full fat meats and processed stuff. I'm really feeling proud of myself I can feel my clothes getting bigger and bigger with each week that passes and I know I've crossed the biggest hurdle. Eating well has now become not a have to not a chore but a want to. I feel better I feel amazing and I look forward to trying and discovering more and more great ways to still eat what I want to and stay within my new life style. The internet has been a great source for that as I've hunted for and bookmarked healthy recipes to try. I've also appreciated the love and support of my friends and family as well as my other TOPS friends. I've lost weight 3 weeks in a row and I've also found a way to incorporate exercise into my daily life and I've discovered I love it. 

The Race

The Race

attributed to Dr. D.H. "Dee" Groberg
Whenever I start to hang my head in front of failure’s face,
    my downward fall is broken by the memory of a race.
A children’s race, young boys, young men; how I remember well,
    excitement sure, but also fear, it wasn’t hard to tell.
They all lined up so full of hope, each thought to win that race
    or tie for first, or if not that, at least take second place.
Their parents watched from off the side, each cheering for their son,
    and each boy hoped to show his folks that he would be the one.
The whistle blew and off they flew, like chariots of fire,
    to win, to be the hero there, was each young boy’s desire.
One boy in particular, whose dad was in the crowd,
    was running in the lead and thought “My dad will be so proud.”
But as he speeded down the field and crossed a shallow dip,
    the little boy who thought he’d win, lost his step and slipped.
Trying hard to catch himself, his arms flew everyplace,
    and midst the laughter of the crowd he fell flat on his face.
As he fell, his hope fell too; he couldn’t win it now.
    Humiliated, he just wished to disappear somehow.
But as he fell his dad stood up and showed his anxious face,
    which to the boy so clearly said, “Get up and win that race!”
He quickly rose, no damage done, behind a bit that’s all,
    and ran with all his mind and might to make up for his fall.
So anxious to restore himself, to catch up and to win,
    his mind went faster than his legs. He slipped and fell again.
He wished that he had quit before with only one disgrace.
    “I’m hopeless as a runner now, I shouldn’t try to race.”
But through the laughing crowd he searched and found his father’s face
    with a steady look that said again, “Get up and win that race!”
So he jumped up to try again, ten yards behind the last.
    “If I’m to gain those yards,” he thought, “I’ve got to run real fast!”
Exceeding everything he had, he regained eight, then ten...
    but trying hard to catch the lead, he slipped and fell again.
Defeat! He lay there silently. A tear dropped from his eye.
    “There’s no sense running anymore! Three strikes I’m out! Why try?
I’ve lost, so what’s the use?” he thought. “I’ll live with my disgrace.”
    But then he thought about his dad, who soon he’d have to face.
“Get up,” an echo sounded low, “you haven’t lost at all,
    for all you have to do to win is rise each time you fall.
Get up!” the echo urged him on, “Get up and take your place!
    You were not meant for failure here! Get up and win that race!”
So, up he rose to run once more, refusing to forfeit,
    and he resolved that win or lose, at least he wouldn’t quit.
So far behind the others now, the most he’d ever been,
    still he gave it all he had and ran like he could win.
Three times he’d fallen stumbling, three times he rose again.
    Too far behind to hope to win, he still ran to the end.
They cheered another boy who crossed the line and won first place,
    head high and proud and happy -- no falling, no disgrace.
But, when the fallen youngster crossed the line, in last place,
    the crowd gave him a greater cheer for finishing the race.
And even though he came in last with head bowed low, unproud,
    you would have thought he’d won the race, to listen to the crowd.
And to his dad he sadly said, “I didn’t do so well.”
    “To me, you won,” his father said. “You rose each time you fell.”
And now when things seem dark and bleak and difficult to face,
    the memory of that little boy helps me in my own race.
For all of life is like that race, with ups and downs and all.
    And all you have to do to win is rise each time you fall.
And when depression and despair shout loudly in my face,
    another voice within me says, “Get up and win that race!”

I am the captain of my soul

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the Pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll.

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

Found this again and I love it so much the poem really really speaks to me no matter how hard or easy my journey through life has been I need to remember always that I am the master of my fate I am the captain of my soul that means that despite circumstances etc no one else is to blame for the path I take but me I am the one in charge of myself and my life. Pretty powerful. 

A journey of a thousand miles

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step- Confucius

This was read in my TOPS group on Monday and it really struck a chord with me especially as I was a little disheartened I had a one pound loss. I'm proud of that don't get me wrong but at the same time when you have 166 excess pounds left to shed it seems so small so insignificant. Then I remembered this quote today and I realized this is going to be committed to my memory. Yes I only lost a pound but that's a pound I plan to never gain back that's a pound lighter than I was and I worked for that pound loss. I am changing my life forever not just the short term and that takes time. I am learning how to incorporate yummy healthy food into my life and make it taste awesome, I'm learning to like water instead of pop, I'm learning to like activity and exercise and make that a part of my new lifestyle. I'm changing so much permanently that it will take time I could have taken the easy way out and gone on a fad diet but I know those fail so I'm doing it the hard way with the sweat of my brow so I am now determined to be proud of all those pounds that come off even if they come off one by one. I have so many plans and things I want to do once the weight comes off it is my goal and my challenge to reach goal weight and maintain it the rest of my life. I'm hoping that the things I'm learning to do now will help me do just that so yes right now the journey seems daunting but I will never reach the end of my journey if I don't start somewhere so I'm going to just keep on stepping and with each step watch my life improve. Heck given time I may even learn to like water and vegetables I'm not quite there yet but maybe one day anything is possible I suppose. 

How my life has changed since TOPS

I have made the decision to take off pounds sensibly thus I'm a member of TOPS that's what it stands for. I'm a new member but some of these lifestyle changes had been in the works for awhile now. I was a little discouraged until I realized that I'm making permanent life style changes and those won't happen overnight but that in the long run they will stick and I will live a longer healthier happier life. In order to help give some perspective....


Lifestyle Pre-TOPS
-emotional eating at any time of the day or night it was nothing to consume 1 whole x-lg pizza and a whole container of ice cream in one sitting at the same time if I was upset.
-Consuming massive quantities of pop and drinking no water at all or very little I was estimating I was consuming conservatively 20 plus 2 liters of pop a month.
- It was nothing to heap my plate full of all sorts of foods including consuming 1lb of hamburger or ground sausage myself in one meal.
-Eating massive amounts of high calorie sugary foods and eating massive amounts of fast food not even thinking about what I was eating. 
-Exercising only when absolutely necessary to do what I had to do for example I had to walk a bit to get to work.


Lifestyle upon joining TOPS


-emotional eating curbed ( I still slip but not as bad nor as often) instead I am learning to journal or vent my frustrations with a friend or loved one instead of turning right away to food. 
-Drinking next to no pop and drinking more water and other healthy liquids.
-Watching and being more mindful of portion sizes, nutrition labels etc. 
-Limiting my consumption of junk food, sweet sugary foods and fast food. I still eat them but I do so as part of my food plan. 
-I have a food plan every day I log what I have eaten online in a food journal that keeps track and holds me accountable for calories, fat, etc that have been consumed and it tells me when I went over my limit. 
-I'm getting a more restful sleep and I don't feel as fatigued or tired I'm feeling as if I have more energy and fuel.
-I'm starting to enjoy exercise and I'm actively engaged in finding activities that I can enjoy and make a part of my new life. 
-I'm starting to find a balance and moderation in ALL things. 
-I'm more careful what is making its way into my shopping cart and I am learning new fun innovative recipes and ways to enjoy healthy food. 

Wow!! I didn't think that list would be as long as it is with more things to come I'm sure but as you can see I'm not into a fad diet or a quick fix all of this is stuff I can do in the long term to make myself look and feel better. On a side note my PCOS symptoms are gradually doing a bit better so that's a plus as well. 

Why I try and look on the bright side of life

I've had to really dig deep into myself lately to find inner strength again so I could deal with my responsibilities and stress instead of running. I was doubting if I could but then I remembered something about myself that few really know unless they were physically there with me during that dark time. A time when my very survival depended on fighting and being strong. When I entered my teenage years I was dealing with so many intense emotions you do anyway but add on top of it a lot of grief from losing my father etc and I was on a collision course so many intense feelings began to overwhelm me even writing couldn't alleviate my pain. I began to feel as if things would be better if I was no longer here I began to feel as if that was the only answer to my pain and suffering. I know now that was not true but back then I was hurting so bad that I didn't know what else to do. I did fight though and I fought back strong that's why I'm here but it involved something I never would have wanted to do and that was some desperate moves. I really had to make it known how I was feeling and with some counseling and support from loved ones and friends I made it and I'm still here. That battle though took a lot out of me for a long long time I remember even the beginning of my 10th grade year reaching out to friends at a Halloween party when suddenly intense pain and emotions came over me and I began shaking and I curled into a ball it was all I could do not to cry. Some were accusing me of being a drama queen but a couple of real friends including the hosts of the party reached out in a profound way to let me know I had it in me to be strong and that I was going to be okay. One reached out and put her arms around me and held on tight another reached for my hand and told me to hang on and fight the inner voices telling me that I was weak and that I would be better off dead. I gradually fought back but then I realized I would have to be extremely careful I would have to be careful to be more positive and more happy it would be the only way to ensure that these strong emotions didn't overcome me again and that these evil thoughts telling me to die wouldn't come back. It took a few more years of intense work but I try really really hard to be more positive than negative and to have more good days than bad I have to I learned a long time ago that my very survival depended on it. Now I'm so so glad I am here so much I would have missed if I wasn't and so many people would have been hurt  its not the answer but I can understand how someone can reach that point. I've been there and its not a wonderful place to be perhaps that's why I try to really reach out a loving caring hand to someone in need and who's struggling so they know they aren't alone and that it can get better. I'm living proof but that's why I am so positive all the time so those thoughts don't attack me again and overcome me again. I did learn though that I am strong and that I'm not alone and that the Lord has a purpose for me to be here and that even though I've been asked to go through a lot that although it took me forever to understand this it hasn't been for nothing I've grown and learned so much from all of this. I just didn't understand that in my teenage years so I'm so glad I had loving people around me to help me fight so I could live long enough to understand. 

Jesus Take the Wheel

This song came to mind thanks to my husband playing it to make a ringtone out of it this song so fits what I'm thinking and feeling right now. I really don't know where I'm going but I just have to let him take the wheel I won't be led astray now is a time for me to exercise some real faith. 

My ways are not your ways.....

I was coasting on a high I was doing well things were good in all aspects of my life and then the other shoe dropped. It's not that everything is falling apart because its not but its just not going as well or as fast as I would like it to as I have mentioned before patience is not and never was a virtue of mine. A few hiccups and bumps in the road have appeared and it frustrates me because I had things lined up and planned a certain way. Well as I prayed this morning a verse from Isaiah came to my mind so I looked it up again and it was not the answer I had wanted but the answer I needed. I had been too impatient and was trying to move faster than the Lord had intended me to move and thus as a result I was floundering and panicking and causing myself undue stress. The verse was simple and to paraphrase it it was the one about my ways are not your ways ya that one. I was instantly humbled and prayed again for forgiveness once again pledging to try and be patient and try and enjoy this journey I'm being taken on and try and try and not move faster than the Lord intends for me to move. I already feel a little better and I'll just have to see where this path takes me and I'll have to learn to rely on and fully trust a higher power not an easy thing for me to do but in order for things to once again go smoothly I must so I'm buckling my seat belt and hanging on trying to relax and trying to realize that I'm not being flung into chaos and that their is a plan for all this it just may or may not be the one I would have chosen but in the end it will be what is right for me. 

Counting my blessings

An event transpired today that really got me thinking a co worker and his wife got some unexpected news their son Levi who wasn't due til this fall was no longer growing inside his mom so they had no choice but to deliver him he was born this evening weighing only 1lb 7oz. No word from any of them on how they are doing but I know from my families experience four years ago with our Ella what they are feeling to some degree and what they are experiencing and its not easy at all. He has a fighting chance but it will take a miracle Ella was only 7 more oz's bigger but that isn't much. I am so grateful for Ella she has transformed our lives in so many ways she has a large heart, a strong personality (obviously she fought to live), a smile that can melt even the hardest heart and an intelligent inquiring mind I'm so grateful she is our niece. I'm so grateful that the Lord had a purpose for this little one on Earth and that she is with us and is strong and healthy and thriving. I love her so much and I'm grateful the Lord touched Angela and Randall's heart and they knew they needed to first be her foster parents then later her forever parents. I'm really grateful for this little miracle and blessing in my life I know she has touched our family already who knows how many other lives she will touch. 

The Currant Bush

Yesterday at work it was a good day but a bitter sweet day I found out that yet another person at work who had been there less time than me was being promoted to full time. I could understand why I had been passed up before my performance had been lacking and I was wishy washy but lately my sales had been good and my quota of leads was up there. I have filled in for full time and I have done great so it was really frustrating to the point where I wanted to cry. Then I heard in my mind the story of  The Currant Bush I heard in sacrament meeting many many years ago and I had to humble myself I don't know yet what the Lord has in store for me but he does so I must put my trust in Him and know that he has a higher purpose even if what he intends isn't what I think I want. I've since learned that when I go my way I make a big mess so we'll have to see what he has in store. I would recommend looking that story up it was put in a New Era many years ago but you can google it its a good reminder for when you get all cut up and pruned as to the purpose.

It was a little rough but I made it

Yesterday was Fathers Day and it was a little rough for me I'll admit I was doing great the other monumental days that all bundle together in June. I did fine June 2nd the day my father was killed I did okay on his birthday and the day we buried him and those days were back to back but Fathers Day hit me and it hit pretty hard. I don't know if it was just the day or the fact that I'm really got some pretty stressful and heavy stuff going on right now and I really missed my dad or the combination of the two but it wasn't easy. However, I have learned that sometimes crying is a good healer so I let them flow and I also just opened up to my Heavenly Father about it and I was honest I told him that I know it had been 22 years and that I'm not a little girl anymore but that right now I've been asked to deal with some really heavy stuff and that I just at some point wanted to know my dad was still with me and that I just wanted my daddy. I didn't apologize for feeling that way because sometimes I think no matter how old you are you just want your daddy. Well after that I wiped my eyes and went about my day and you know what my prayers were answered I was comforted and I knew that Heavenly Father understood. I feel better now for a couple of reasons A) the tears did help me deal with all this stuff so I could solider on and put a smile back on my face and B) I felt warm and fuzzy and knew that Heavenly Father hadn't forgotten about me he knows me and he knows how hard this time still is for me and he helped me to know that he understands what I've been trying to do and the efforts I've been trying to make. All in all Fathers Day wasn't too terrible but it still is pretty emotional. 

Thank you for always being there

I had an inspiration last night as I dreamed which I will need to share in its entirety for anyone to understand anything. I don't remember all the details of the dream but it was a dream that has laid to rest some long held insecurities of mine that I hadn't realized I had basically the long and short of it is that on my mom's side my grandma and grandpa have kinda yo yoed in and out of my life sometimes they are there and sometimes they aren't. Same for my aunt and uncle on that side too and actually for the last several years they haven't had any contact with me whatsoever. I even as a grown woman have had a little bit of an issue with that I had to wonder if it was me if I had done something but last night I realized no its on them. If it had been me then the grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins on my dads side would have done the same thing. They haven't in fact that's why I felt it so important to send a personal thank you to my aunts, uncles and grandparents to let them know I appreciate them and their efforts. Our family is large and growing all the time but yet I never felt left out or unloved. Quite to the contrary I have always felt special wanted and appreciated. I am friends with my cousins and we are there for each other and every single one of my aunts and uncles love and are there for me and would have protected me as a child as if I was one of their own. In fact where do you think I learned so much about how to be an aunt to the precious little ones who are now in my life. Realizing this and airing it will now help me heal another wound in my life and help me once again on a path to self enlightenment, understanding and self confidence. I can now put that stuff behind me and focus on the unconditional love and support of those who had been there all along. 

The fog has lifted

I am so happy to see that the clouds are finally starting to lift and the fog I was in is gone. My anxiety levels are so much lower and I can see clearly where I'm going and where I've been and I can honestly say I don't want to go back. I can be the happy optimistic person that I was meant to be and if anyone wants to try and stop me well that's just too bad. I'm happy now and I'm not going to apologize for being that way. I spent too much time and wasted too much time being worried and anxious when it takes so much less energy being happy and cheerful. I feel great and I feel wonderful taking care of myself and making myself a priority once in awhile too. I think this new policy I have will make life so much better because I'll be able to focus my energy and time on those who do really want my help and want me to be there for them but at the same time I can take care of me. I realized the other day that no one else but me can take care of myself and my health and well being. I am useless if I keep just giving and giving and giving of myself and energy without trying to replenish what I've been giving away. It was hard to give up some things and people that I have cared deeply for in the process but I can't let anyone drag me back down to the depths I've been in depression and anxiety wise for lack of a better word so please forgive me its been a form of hell for me. I was so miserable and so unhappy and now I feel free and happy I feel like the skies the limit and that I can soar why would I want to go back. The people that I have left are the ones who truly love me and truly care and who won't let me not take care of myself and I appreciate them. They are the ones who aren't jealous of me for trying to overcome what I've been through and who aren't jealous of my happiness and successes. They are the ones who knew I had it in me all along I just had to find it and I am so thankful I have them. I do not stand alone I never have not as long as I have my dear husband and other loved ones in my corner. I also am realizing how brightly I can shine and I'm getting comfortable with that instead of trying to dim it a little. I know this song is cliche but it truly sums up how I feel right now and how amazing I feel.  

Just something I have to say and get off my chest

What I wish to say about my struggle with infertility

I have struggled with infertility for many many years now and I have recently tried to really not let bitterness and frustration eat at me I can't do anything about it right now so I try really really hard not to think about it. I try really really hard to count my blessings and focus on other things but sometimes I do still feel the pain of it and I need to express that somehow I need to express how I feel. Some of this is addressing things that have come up in particular some misunderstandings that people have had and held and some are just frustrations in general so I can get them out and move forward again so I don't let things build up and eat at me.

1. This is not a curse or a punishment that God is giving me for something for some reason these things just happen and me having more faith will not fix it.
2. Do not assume just because I don't have children that I don't want them for some this may be the case but in mine this has been the greatest ache my heart has known. By the same token I know sometimes its uncomfortable for those with children to know what to do or what to say and I know you think you are helping but don't say you know how I feel if you don't. Please don't give me comfort by saying in the eternities etc. I know you are trying to help but if you want to help be there and just listen and help me feel like I'm still a whole woman. By the same token don't shun me or make me feel like less of a woman for not having a child just be my friend and care about who I am as a person not determine my worth based on ability to have children.
3. By the same token please don't assume that I don't understand your world at all granted I haven't had the demands of motherhood placed on me but that shouldn't deter a friendship I can understand that your little ones demand a lot of your time and resources and I can support that and respect that. I also get peeved when people assume that just because I don't have children of my own that I do not understand children. I do not have any living in my home but I am observant and I do know the basics of growth stages etc. I don't know everything about kids but I'm not stupid either I can be a capable and loving care giver for your child.
4. Don't assume that just because I reach out and love your children that I am so desperate that I would take them from you or steal them. I love children but if they are yours then they are yours I would never think about hurting another woman by taking away her child. I care about kids and love them and I care enough about them to try and be the best babysitter or care giver that I can be. I try to take an interest and care about where they are in their growth and their lives. I try and talk to them and listen to them and interact one on one. I would do all in my power to protect them but this shouldn't make me a monster or a threat if anything you would think this would help someone feel better about leaving a child in my care for awhile.
5. My infertility is not contagious or infectious sometimes I feel like I'm shunned like I have leprosy or something. I don't know if that's because people feel uncomfortable or if they don't know what to say please don't worry my ability to carry on a conversation has not been affected by my inability to have kids.

Oh and one other point just because I have not had any kids of my own doesn't mean that I am not happy when someone I know and love has one or is about to add for their family know that I am happy for you from the bottom of my heart.

I hope I haven't offended anyone that I have shared this with if I have I'm sorry but this is truly how I feel and I had to get it out somehow and this is the safest way that I know. I basically do better with it than I have in years past mainly because I have let myself go through the grieving process and have let myself come to terms with this and accept that I can't change it right now. Without getting into too many graphic details I have a very severe case of Poly cystic Ovarian Syndrome basically what that means is that my hormone levels are very screwed up and male hormones are more dominant than female which brings me to another point this does not make me a male or anything similar I am all female I just have screwed up hormones. This also means that large cysts are blocking up my ovaries and that is preventing me from being able to have kids that's basically a very simple explanation but it is a bit more complicated than that. I have thought of surgery or other options so please don't suggest those but in my case I got checked out in the ER one time when a cyst burst and in my case many of them are large and that would not be a healthy or safe option for me. I am hoping that with better health and less weight that I will be able to help myself get healthier and help this condition but if a pregnancy occurs it will be a miracle literally. I pray for that but we are pursuing other options. Infertility treatments are expensive I don't have that kind of money to vest into something that may or may not work I also don't have the emotional stamina for such a roller coaster. Where it stands right now basically is that yes I would absolutely love to have children any way that God sees fit to send them to me but I try to count my blessings and focus on other good things in the meanwhile. I am not asking for anyone's pity I am just trying to help someone understand where I'm at and where I'm coming from. Oh and if in the past I was pre occupied with this and with children etc it was not meant to alarm anyone I just was still trying to work through all the emotions that come when you love children so much and have a strong maternal instinct but you haven't been able to act on that. I have sorted it all out now and while the desire is still there I won't do anything desperate I promise.

Inspired

I got to see a pretty good movie the other night it was called The Iron Lady about Margaret Thatcher. It didn't inspire me in the way that you may be thinking I wasn't inspired by her strength I wasn't inspired by the fact that she dared to change things and make her mark in the world I was inspired by her love story with her husband. She was unique she wasn't content in the kitchen being a housewife she wanted to make her mark in the world and her husband was not only happy being there by her side but he was a staunch supporter of her. That struck a chord with me and helped me remember why I fell in love with my husband in December of 1999. I wasn't arm candy either and I had never really felt all that special or beautiful not until Damian took me in his arms and changed all that. He helped me feel beautiful and special he loved my ideas and intelligent mind. He didn't seek to change anything about me. As the years passed we had challenges and struggles and sometimes we both haven't handled them as well as we should but that is part of our love story and growing process too. However, after last night I was reminded of why I love the man I do and why I love him with all of my heart and soul and why no matter what we go through we will go through it together. I also learned my biggest mistake was losing touch of why we fell in love in amongst all the normal every day frustrations. It is easy to do it happens but I'm grateful I was able to get back in touch with why I fell for my husband in the first place. It's quite simple Damian hears me and understands me and what I need sometimes he doesn't respond the way I would like him to but then he surprises me in a wonderful way and all is alright again. I had contemplated myself without him recently as we hit a rough patch but we promised we would never ever again separate or hurt one another without praying about it and taking time to dig down deep and try to imagine ourselves without the other. We both can't do that so we won't be apart. We will be a force to be reckoned with if we can just stop getting in our own way because we have a unique love story (few understand it or bother to understand it) but it's very strong no one will be able to break us up if we don't allow them to. 

Keeping an open heart and how far I've come

I never would have believed you if you had told me a year ago or even two years ago that a Mother's Day would come and I wouldn't be hiding in bed or wallowing in self pity. Well, its here and I'm not in bed nor am I wallowing. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I have some wonderful people in my life who have helped me realize that I can't change this right now and til I can wallowing and being bitter was causing me all kinds of problems and it wasn't doing any good and it definitely wasn't productive. I didn't realize how far I had come though til last night when I was trying to reach out to some women on my support group who still haven't grasped that concept. I did my best to comfort and reassure them then I left it be I know better than anyone that you can't force someone to move along further than they want to. I feel for them because I have been there and the world seems to be lonelier and darker when you can't see the blessings you do have but you focus on what you don't. However, I also know they have to realize that on their own. It just helped me to see where I had been and where I am now and wow what a difference. It's still a hard day I can't pretend it's not or that I don't feel a little twinge of something that I can't describe to someone that doesn't know where I'm at in my life but I also am not trying to focus on that feeling too much. Instead I'm trying to count my blessings and focus on what the good Lord has given and I'm trying to keep an open heart. One thing I have realized is that to be the person that I want to be.....to be the aunt I want to be I have to keep an open heart and a loving heart. I can not allow anything to deliberately distract me from giving 100% of me to those precious little ones that call me Aunt Amanda and if I was wallowing or being bitter I wouldn't be able to be there for them the way that I want to be. I really credit these little people and their parents for their love, support and understanding for a big part of my transformation not because I am using them as a replacement but because they give me something to focus my energy and love on. I have chosen to hone my skills and prepare for what the Lord may have in store for me by being a support for my siblings who have children and by giving these children all I have. I am hands on, I take an interest in them, I pray for them, I love them, I care what they are doing and how they are doing and what their interests are and more importantly I would protect these children doing whatever would be necessary. I try to be their mentor, role model and friend and I proudly wear the title of Aunt. I don't intend to change the way I do things even if I was blessed with a child or children because in exchange for my efforts I have a wonderful, special, unique relationship with every single one of them and their smiles, hugs, kisses and confidences mean the world to me and they brighten my world and my life. I still desire to be a mother someday but meanwhile I think I still have a lot to be extremely happy about and grateful for. 

Another year older and hopefully wiser too

To be honest I was kinda dreading my 32nd birthday don't ask me why I just kinda was but once it came those feelings all passed. I had a great birthday weekend a big heartfelt thank you for all of you who helped me feel so special and loved. It started Friday at work when we got treated to lunch on the company in honor of my birthday we got an Azteca Fiesta Platter and it was so amazing. It beats crappy Costco cake that we got at one job I had any day. I have great co workers who had to rib me according to them I was anywhere from 42-104 so ya know what can you say right I age well apparently. Saturday work just flew right on by because right after I met up with several members of my family and a friend of ours at Timbercreek a buffet right near my work and we had a great time. It was so fun to be with my family for my birthday and all but two of my nieces and nephews were present so that always makes my day as well. My sister was really sweet and with the girls helping her they picked out a couple of balloons and some candy for me. She joked about not knowing what I wanted and I just smiled and told her that candy especially chocolate always works. Dinner was wonderful I enjoyed it and the price was really really reasonable. I will be going back the service was great too. They had my brother in law Shawn hold up some antlers on the back of my head while they sang to me and took my picture. I would have been mortified in my 20s but I couldn't stop laughing it was funny. I also got cheesecake brought out to me so that made it alright. When I got home my brother who was unable to come called and he sang to me very loudly and off key it made me laugh. I feel really special all in all it was a great day and a great weekend. Now lets see what this next year brings. 

Learning to wait

~PATIENCE means to abide in faith, knowing that sometimes it is in the waiting rather than in the receiving that we grow the most.~ Dieter F. Uchtdorf

I found this and I love it it really sums up the jumble of emotions that I've been feeling lately. On one hand wonderful growth opportunities are on the horizon for me and they are exciting on the other they are scary as well. So much is changing but along with the changes I'm growing so much for the better I don't even recognize me anymore. I'm becoming stronger and more mature and to some degree more patient especially seeing as I was not that patient to begin with. I do feel a jumble of emotions as my 32nd birthday approaches but I mostly feel happiness and gratitude to my Heavenly Father for the journey he has been taking me on and the hand he has had in my life it will be interesting to see what else comes about as we are waiting for what he has in mind for us. I have a feeling that although it is hard to wait that it will be worth waiting for.

Tossing the guilt

These last few weeks have been a bit of a personal struggle for me but I've learned to overcome it and it's been for a simple reason I've felt guilty for taking care of myself and doing what's best for me. I've felt guilty for doing so awesome at work I know that's totally crazy. I've not been used to that for a long long time and I accidently feel back into a habit of letting a couple of people use me and drain my energy and I would actually feel a bit guilty because things were going so well for me and they weren't for them. Well things came to a head and I got rid of that guilt and you know what it felt great. It felt great to toss out feelings of guilt and to be happy for and to celebrate my successes and accomplishments. It was hard to get rid of people in my life who were only using me and bringing me down but now that they are gone I can focus on the people who are left the people who do love and support me and don't want to bring me down. I've reconnected in a very powerful way to my little sis who has been my best friend all along I just had gotten so caught up trying to help others that I couldn't see her in the mess. She helped me get it all sorted out and got me back on solid ground again. She helped remind me of the journey I've been on and how far I've come and that I had better not dare let anyone hold me back from celebrating the good things and successes in my life. I realized she's right why should I have to feel guilty and feel bad because Damian and I have been blessed tremendously in our lives and we are moving in a forward positive direction. I am so grateful to a wonderful strong little sister who knows just what to say and how to say it to remind and refocus me so I can keep going and get to where I want to go. I love her so much for that I'm grateful for her and for all the other people I have left who really do love and support me and my accomplishments. I'll get used to celebrating them and tossing the guilt right out the window and be proud of what I'm doing and how far I've come. Yes I have miles and miles to go but how dreary would it be if we only focused on what lay ahead instead of pausing a moment to be happy for how far you've come.

Autism awareness

April marks Autism awareness month and this is something near and dear to me as my husband is on the autism spectrum its slight but its there. He has had to struggle a lot with bullying, prejudice, ignorance and intolerance which is a shame because yes he's a little different yes he marches to the beat of his own drum and yes accommodations have needed to be made for him to some degree so he can function in this big confusing world however he also is unique, intelligent, loving and wonderful. He doesn't naturally have filters so sometimes he says things the wrong way or gives out too much info and sometimes he has to be careful with who he trusts but at the same time it's that childlike faith and love that makes him a wonderful husband and life partner. When the cards are stacked against me and I feel like everyone has walked away he's still there. Words can not express how much that means at such a moment. He is so smart and so intelligent and has taught me so much like how to think outside the box and color outside the rigid lines of life he doesn't see just black and white but shades of gray and other colors he doesn't believe there is just one way to think or do something and his mind works in an amazing way. Damian has taught me patience when no one else could as together we have learned how to make a marriage work and how to make it work out so he can still be him but still live in society too. I love and am proud of my husband because he's him but also because of his autism and how he has been learning to turn that into an asset not a curse. I would strongly encourage you to do your homework about autism and to do your part to be more loving and encouraging to all the autistic's out there and their families who are doing the best they can with what they have to work with. They don't need another person to criticize and judge them they need people who will reach out and love and support them and their efforts. Autistic people are just like anybody else they just want to be loved and treated with the same dignity and respect as someone without a disability they want to find their niche and place in the world. I love and am proud that I chose to be married to such a wonderful man and that we figured out how to make this all work because I would be missing out on so many wonderful experiences and life lessons. He has touched my life and I will never be the same.

In Shock......in the best way

I couldn't imagine my shock last night when I checked on my appointments set for Monday they BOTH sold not only that BUT they sold for a TOTAL of 12,220 dollars that's the most I have EVER had appointments that I've set sell for. To put that in perspective I will be getting 244.40 of that on my next check in commission plus what I've already earned for this month in commission and wages. I was pleasantly surprised and it was perfect timing as I had been feeling a little burnt out and things weren't looking good for me at work. However, this and the great sales week I had last week have been what it took for me to feel renewed and revitalized that I can do this and I can be good at this. I still am kinda shaking and still can't believe it in fact I've actually checked the numbers a few times just to make sure I read it correctly. This is really going to be a great thing for my family and I'm so blessed that Heavenly Father has given us this blessing so that we can pay our bills and that we can make ends meet.

I need to let it all loose

I will give a disclaimer now I have to let it all loose and let the fur fly I would do it in a more private way however I want to get it all out there because I want people who are close to me to understand how I work and how I operate because I can be very complex and complicated. Okay that being said I'll get to my post now....

I am in no way a perfect human being I am not going to put myself on a pedestal because just as much as I have a loving generous nature and can be docile and compliant I also have a stubborn streak, a temper and a tendency to get jealous. I am yin and yang I'm my own worst enemy sometimes. I have been working for years to control the not so good darker sides of myself and for the most part I succeed. I've come a long way in controlling my temper and jealousy and I've been working on changing my stubbornness from being obstinate to focusing it to more positive things by learning to focus and concentrate so I can stick to a task and see it through to its finish. My stubbornness also is an asset because I don't quit easily I won't give up on someone it takes a lot for me to get to the point where I'm done. However, that point does exist so don't press your luck. Like I said I'm not a saint by any means however I do have a compassionate, loving, generous heart and nature. I don't like to see anyone uncomfortable and I want to do what I can do reach out and be of assistance and help like I told someone once I don't have much at this moment in time but what I do have I will share willingly. I will give of my love, friendship, time, compassion and loyalty. If it is in my power to do so I will do what I can do help and be of assistance I will not keep score. However, I do ask in return for your loyalty and friendship relationships with me need to be a two way deal I will give you all of myself however if you don't want to see my temper don't lie to me, cheat me, be disloyal to me and don't disrespect me. When these things happen I don't know what it is but those are my biggest pet peeves and I will turn on you quickly and you will see my temper and my anger flare I will not be treated like garbage. I used to allow that because I didn't think enough of myself but now I do and I will not tolerate being treated like that by anyone I don't care who you are or what your relation is to me. I will not turn my back on you easily I will not forsake you I will be a loyal and loving friend etc I do not want to walk away from anyone because when I do it is forever I will not be coming back. However, I will if my hand is forced and I am betrayed and angered to the point of no return and that means that if you make a mistake and hurt me but are genuinely sorry I will forgive you so long as you do not keep repeating the hurt. However, if you do not own up to it or care that I give you my love and loyalty etc then I will not continue to waste my time and energy giving you of myself so you will be cut off and I will not be coming back. I will not waste my time. Oh, and another way to anger me real fast is to attack those nearest and dearest to me bad idea just saying. Alright I hope this helps clear some things up basically it's pretty simple the golden rule treat others as you want to be treated. If you treat me with the same courtesy, kindness etc that I treat you then we have no problems however if you don't want to do that you will reap what you sow and it will be your loss. I have no problems now that I have self respect and self love cutting you off if you continue to hurt me and betray me.

It's My Voice if you please....an Amanda Impett original creation

It's my voice if you please

Dad taught me to be free who I am and strong

He told me be true to you and you can never go wrong.

He showed me I had my own abilities my own voice

He taught me sometimes I had to stand my ground make my own choice.

Over time my voice got lost in the crowd

Got lost by being bullied teased put down

It got weaker and weaker and almost died

In trying to please others I was dying inside.

I have not been alone trying to get it back

but it's been so hard when I have been under attack

I want to speak loud and strong

I want to say leave me alone maybe you were wrong.

I want to say let me be who I truly am inside

You may not agree but let me be me let me have some pride.

Let me speak it is my voice if you please.

Thanks for the reminder

I really appreciate my friends and reading their blogs it's not only a great way to keep in touch with so many all over but also a great way to glean inspiration. I gleaned such inspiration last night from reading about a friends crazy life and how she and her husband have turned to the Lord for everything and have learned to put their trust in him. WOW! That has been a goal of mine this year and for the most part I was doing okay but then I got into panic mode when I got tested and things got choppy. I got scared but thanks to her post I realized it prayed for forgiveness and have prayed for the Lord to take over and I will trust him no matter the outcome. I appreciate her faith and her willingness to share what's going on with her family and how crazy things have gotten with them. I appreciate the fact that I too can turn it over to the Lord and he will somehow take care of us and get us through the choppy waters and that I have to let go and let God as they say and not just say I have and continue to obsess over it and try and mircomanage things. its not easy to try and do but if she can do it so can I. Who knows what amazing blessings are in store for me if I pass this test and this challenge.

What's new

This is my blog but it has to do with my family so I thought I would take a moment and share this latest tid bit about Damian I'm so proud of him right now. He's starting to do really great. He's been studying really hard to get ready for his A+ certifications and he took one practice test already and did great. He's not comfortable enough yet to take the real tests at 300-400 bucks but he's doing great with as long as he's had his study materials. He's also really blooming when it comes to being social years ago he kept to himself now he and his brother play a game called Minecraft and talk all the time doing it along with another guy or two that plays. Damian also is actively involved doing ham radio activities and other things that require talking and social skills. He still makes some faux paus sometimes but not as many and not as often. He's learning how to still remain true to himself but still work within society. He's always going to be unique, quirky and will think outside the box but you know what I'm okay with that who says there is only one way to think. He has been feeling a little down lately though because although he's made a lot of progress he hasn't felt like he has that's where a friend of mine I know on Facebook really helped. She has a son who has Asbergers (Aspies) as she calls it and she shared with me a list of famous people actors and others who have the condition or in the case of people who died before the condition was known were suspected of having it. It was quite a list and they all made a success of themselves it really lifted my husband to know that he was not alone and that if they could do it so can he. I am so amazing and proud of him he's making so much progress. He's really learning to put the past behind him and all the negative things and comments behind him he's learning to look to the future and just keep going even though there still are negative things in his path. It makes me sad really he's such an awesome wonderful person I don't like how he has to deal with such negative things just because he's a little different and thinks outside the box. So what who really cares? He's such a loving kind soul with a really intelligent mind he was able to figure out computers and figure out problems with all kinds of related things on his own. I'm proud of the man he is and the man he is becoming and I will continue to root him on as he continues on the path to self discovery and as he learns that he can do anything he sets his mind too. Autism is not the end for him it's just something that we have to work around and the more people that realize this the better and if they chose not to then that's on them not him. I know I'm on a soap box a little but I'm getting a little frustrated with people's lack of knowledge and research on autism and the autism spectrum all they know is stereotypes. It is a disorder that is just as varied as individuals some people may show little and some a lot some are able to be social and live fulfilling lives and are able to make wonderful spouses and parents and some are not. Anyway I will continue to be proud of my husband and I will continue to be an advocate for autism and the autism spectrum of which Asbergers is a part of until more and more people understand and are no longer scared of what they don't know and understand. April is autism awareness month and I am proud to be the wife of a man who has it although it's been an uphill battle I will admit I'm glad I wasn't just another person that gave up on him.

Back in Balance

I was able to buy my 5-HTP again in a 50mg capsule form and I am beginning to feel more like myself again I feel a lot better. I feel like I'm back in balance and I am able to sleep really well and get the sleep and rest that I need. I don't feel as hyper active as when I was taking the 100mg so maybe that was because I was taking too much. I just feel like I'm me I'm able to stay calm and focus on what it is that I have to do. I've also been noticing that my carb cravings and sweetness cravings are starting to subside I believe that has to do with the fact that carbs and sweets can release feel good chemicals. The best part is that my attacks are down to a minimum again so I don't constantly feel like I'm in a war zone with myself. I have learned from this however I've learned how strong I am and that I can keep it together. I've also been learning and I'm still learning how to speak up for and be an advocate for myself and speak up when I am in need of help. I don't mind being a loving empathetic being however sometimes that really drains me so I'm going to continue to practice closing myself off sometimes that's not to be cruel or mean but only for my own sanity so I don't get overly drained and overly tired I've learned that sometimes when this happens I don't have the energy I need to battle this disorder. I can't lose everything I've worked so hard to have in this last year. Anyway I'm starting to feel great again and I'm grateful for that.

My world

Anxiety disorder and panic disorder really SUCK!!!! I constantly feel like I'm battling and just when I think I'm winning it strikes back a few blows. Most of it is gone and I'm doing much better the attacks still happen more so now that I'm out of 5-HTP for a few days more on that in a minute but I am able to control that part for the most part. They are intense my whole body aches and my chest tightens last night my chest tightened and I began to hyperventilate but that's my reality and I have to fight through it. I've learned how by reminding myself that as much as the panic attacks suck that they won't last forever and that they won't kill me. I try my best to breathe through them and I try my best to keep fighting. It's taking all I have right now to hang on and keep my big girl pants on and keep from unraveling all that I have fought to have right now. However I don't want to be thought of as weak I'm strong this is not an easy fight and I'm not running I'm not quitting. I ran out of 5-HTP awhile ago and for a short while I was okay and the 100mg capsules were actually too strong and I thought maybe that it was all in my head that they did anything for me. I was WRONG dead wrong I'm in frikken misery day and night it was not like this when I was taking them so I found a 50 mg I will take instead when I get the money together. I'm just so sick of people judging me and telling me to just get over it. Anxiety and panic disorders are real and they are devastating do you really think I get a kick out of feeling like this with insomnia, racing thoughts, my heart pounding and every muscle in my body tightening causing pounding headaches and a feeling like I can't even move I'm so stiff. Oh ya that's loads of fun sign me up. I didn't ask for this I didn't bring it upon myself it's a disorder to some degree that I have always had I have to learn to deal with it and control it it will always be there. I'm sick and tired however for being judged by everyone. I've been called weak I've been told that the pills I take are fake and that I just pretend they make me feel better you name it I've heard it and I'm done. Try walking a mile or two in my shoes before you judge please. I have no medical insurance and to be honest I don't want the risk of side effects so I will keep taking my 5-HTP to help balance out my brain chemistry and make this disorder easier to live with how is my taking this any different that anyone who takes an anti depressant. I don't understand that one at all to be perfectly frank and honest. I'm just fed up and tired of not being understood it's taking all I have to keep it together right now yet I'm being called weak if you think it's so easy why don't you try.

A safe haven

I fully understand this blog is public and that others read it however this is a place for me to express myself whether it be joy, elation, sorrow, frustration whatever while comments are welcome please take my blog posts at face value. Just because I'm having an occasional down day or frustrating day please don't assume the worst or that my life is falling apart or that I'm having a mega crisis because its far from that. I'm not going to paste a fake smile on my face if I'm not feeling up to it and occasionally blogging how I feel is a safe way for me to express whatever it is that I feel I need to then I can pick up the pieces, put my big girl pants back on and carry on with my life. I appreciate the concern of my loved ones and friends I really do however I'm not going to censure what I write or post and just because I get down sometimes it doesn't mean that my life is coming to an end it just means that I need to express emotions and what's going on before I explode and go postal on someone. I'm human too and that means I come with a variety of expressions and emotions and life isn't going to always be roses. Even when it's going pretty good it's got its struggles and challenges but I just climb over them one at a time and blogging on occasion keeps me sane enough to do just that.

Down but not out

It's amazing how just when you have one plan in mind Heavenly Father comes up with an even better one. I had posted awhile ago about working a second job or even getting more hours at Evergreen neither of those have born fruit like I wanted or thought I wanted. However, wonderful things are on the horizon for us such as Damian is doing wonderfully with his counseling he is still addressing emotional issues but has also been learning life skills and he is starting to do really well. He still has a way to go and still needs to reminded of certain things but he is starting to do great. He's starting the process of getting his A+ certification by starting to study so he will devote as much time as needed to that. I continue on at Evergreen although some days are better than others I think anyone can say that though about their jobs. I also am still looking for a second part time job we'll see what happens on that front that is up to Heavenly Father. I know enough to know that wonderful things are on the horizon for us I can feel it and we are being led to something wonderful as I'm learning to let him take the lead and let him take control he is opening doors and lining our ducks up into a nice row. Damian is learning the skills he will need as a father, he is learning a vocation that will be quite useful, and I have learned to lay my demons to rest so I do not pass them on accidently to the next generation. I'm temporarily sidelined but the game isn't over yet.

Thanks for the lift

I don't know why but it's been a rough couple of weeks for me emotionally I just have felt drained and it's been really hard to keep my goals of being upbeat and positive. However, I'm doing much much better and I appreciate all those in my life who helped me to feel better by sharing your love, compassion and healing energy. I feel like I'm rearing to go again and that's good because I'm going to need it I discovered that when I'm more upbeat my shifts at work go better and I'm way more productive. I really appreciate the innocence of my nieces Lexus and Kaylee they really did help me to smile again they are so adorable and lovable. They know how to bring back the sunshine when I just see clouds so I'm glad for that. I'm glad to know who my friends are and I'm glad to know who I can count on and trust and who I can't. Hard lessons learned that sometimes you can't trust the people that you think you should be able to. Damian's been wonderful as well reminding me to have faith and trust in Heavenly Father as he's asking us to take another faith walk or in this case leap of faith as it's quite a jump but we're going to do it we know that we won't fall that it will be okay. Anyway I appreciate the love that has been surrounding me so I can get to feeling good again and I can now have the energy to continue my life's journey and to pay it forward again too.

Just a small sigh....

I've been doing really good lately since I have fully grieved and experienced all the pent up emotions from the incident that tore our family apart over 20 years ago however scars still remain and I think they will forever. I am no longer angry or even filled with tremendous sorrow or grief but sometimes I still have moments where I miss dad or wish he was still with us. I think I'm having this moment now because it's Gaige's birthday soon he'll be 3 I think of him every time one of us gets a little bit older especially his grandchildren oh how he would have enjoyed them. I think of him as we are getting ready to adopt I know he would be so happy and proud just as much as if I had been able to give birth to them. I know he's with us I feel him at each of our family events he doesn't miss any but it's somehow not the same. It's the best we can get though for now and like I said most of the time I'm fine and live my life and I am trying to live it to the fullest like he would want for me but sometimes I have a moment when I think of him and wish he could still be with us.

New Years Resolutions

I am trying to be more physically fit this year I started off with a mile or so walk this morning and although it was cold it felt good. I want to try and do that as much as I can it was a good way to get some exercise and clear my head and it did feel good. I also have the opportunity to get a membership at a local gym for Damian and I for only 20 dollars a month it's a promotion this gym is doing for Evergreen Tree Care employees. I also am going to continue on a path of overall wellness this year and continue on the path I started on in 2011. This year is going to be about mental and physical well being. I'm more determined I think this year because I have learned my worth as a person I have learned that I am worth being healthy and happy and well. This is going to be a good year I have a feeling it will be full of wonderful surprises.