Lesson learned over Blueberry Pancakes

Yesterday morning I had yet another bout of insomnia and as I sat and tried to get myself tired I was also thinking and stewing about some things. I should probably save this for a less public forum but if it helps another couple out it was worth sharing. Damian and I are trying to make it work as many of you know we were separated for 13 months and came really close to divorce. Well, we somehow made our way back together and while we love each other dearly life isn't always a rose garden and sometimes we struggle. Lately, I have more panic and anxiety attacks I think I have a more general form of anxiety where anything and everything can panic me at different times. Well, anyway I was stewing about how Damian should just know what to do to comfort me and I wondered if he still felt the same way about me now as he did back almost 9 years ago when we met at a young single adult dance and he gave me a hug. Yes he was really that bold why I didn't slap him I don't know. Anyway, I was sitting stewing musing over the lost romance and how to make it come back. Then an inspiration came to me in the form of a question which was this, "What romantic or nice thing had I done for him lately?" I thought about that and I had to be ashamed of myself true he didn't exactly sweep me off my feet like he used to in the days that we had dated and been engaged but when I was brutally honest with myself I realized I hadn't done much either. So knowing that he had to get up by about 5am to have time to get ready to make his first bus connection to the valley for his ham fest thing I decided to make sure he had a good hearty meal to get the day started right. I used to cook breakfast and stuff for him all the time and I'm not really sure why that stopped laziness probably. Well, we didn't have pancake mix but we had blueberry jiffy muffin mix so I followed the pancake directions and used a stove top skillet and while my efforts turned out okay I hoped it would be the thought that counted. So I ate my portion and waited for his alarm to go off. When he got up I proudly showed him the pancakes his reaction floored me, "Thanks honey" he said, "but why did you do this?" I just told him that he would have a long day and I wanted him to have a nice breakfast he was shocked I could tell but he grinned from ear to ear as he rushed around the house managing to get dressed, eat his breakfast and pack his lunch similtaniously. I smiled happy he liked my mediocore attempt at blueberry pancakes but more importantly at the lesson I learned. I learned that it takes two people to have a romance and that you can't just sit and stew and wait for the other person sometimes you have to take the initiatve and get the ball rolling. I also realized that it's the small things that we do for our partner or for our kids or whoever we love that matter the most. How did it all turn out in terms of strengthening our marriage? Well, that answer came after he came home after dinner at Mongolian Grill. I hadn't slept all night so I crashed for a few hours and I missed my alarm so I couldn't go but when he came home I was awake. He excitedly told me everything what he did and about how they got him busy collecting dues for his ham club and about the people and friends he had met and made. I usually reacted with boredom but this time I listened I told myself you know what this means the world to him and you want support when you do what you like so listen to him. I did and I was surprised to find that as I did we talked more about other things. Then my dinner I think I had a baked potato that was starting to go bad was not agreeing with me well we had a little money since I hadn't taken the bus with him that night so he gallantly agreed to go run to Yoke's just across the street and get me some 7-UP to settle my stomach. I was shocked usually I had to fight with him tooth and nail to do something like that. He had hoped we had enough to get him a 20 oz pop too so you can imagine my shock and surprise when he came home with just a single pop, a 20 oz 7-UP just for me. He told me that we only had had enough for the one pop and that I needed mine more than he needed his. I smiled and thanked him pleasantly surprised as there have been many times he has just run out and got himself something without even bothering to ask or notice me at all. I drank it and slowly started feeling better meanwhile he laid next to me in bed and cuddled me and stuff and tried to make me feel good about stuff. Then another part of the lesson hit me, he did care maybe he didn't show it in the ways I think he should or in the ways that he used to but he did care still the same. We settled down to sleep until my insomnia got me up again and I would like to think that our marriage is doing so much better over some simple blueberry pancakes. Who woulda thunk?