The side effects of being bullied

This is the hardest post I think I will ever write but it is time I have to let this all out, it's the only way to move on and move past what all has happened. Part of my soul searching has been to figure out why I have had a hard time moving forward to good things in my life and I had a nightmare a few nights ago that helped me figure it out. I was back on the school yards as a child being picked on mercilessly and it was going unchecked until I had finally had enough and screamed at them for it all to stop. This helped me tremendously but let me start at the beginning. I was picked on from a very early age beginning in Kindergarten I was going to school a few blocks away from my babysitter's house, a kind woman who watched other children besides her own. She had put older children in charge as we walked to school but they abused such power and teased me something fierce. They had even stolen my new loafer as it fell off running off with it after I lost a game of keep away. I had to walk back wet, cold and humiliated finding some relief with my babysitter as she made things right. This was a bad omen of things to come as every year after that kids in my class would bully me on the play ground even in front of the aides. When I told I was the one in trouble as they said that I needed to stop tattling and that kids would just be kids so I quickly learned to just keep my mouth shut and tolerate it the best I could. They were so cruel breaking my spirit and resolve. I wanted to cry and sometimes I did a tear or two but soon I learned to keep even that inside as that just seemed to give them fuel. In the second and third grade things got worse as I had learned to ignore them. In class they were sweet and nice but out on the school yard they turned on me and I was not about to buy it for a second so I refused to deal with them. This earned me some nasty judgments and remarks from my teachers as once again I was punished. This continued with little relief for a few more years until the fourth grade. FINALLY, not only did I find a good friend who stood up for me and still does to this day (I love you Chrissy you are awesome) but the school aides refused to say that kids would be kids and they put a stop to anything they saw that was out of line. My teacher was also so kind and amazing teaching us that we may not like one another but we would learn to get along. When our accident happened she had told the class and they were kind enough to get me small gifts and even make sympathy cards which my teacher and principal brought to me at my dad's funeral. I was so happy that they had come. The fifth grade was more of the same as the fourth and I left elementary school happy. However, bullying continued some more well into all three years of middle school with only pockets of relief here and there someone even threw a rock at me but don't worry he got several months of cafeteria duty (my suggestion as that was the nastiest job the school had at the time as we loved food fights and sticking gum on and under the tables). I could have pressed assault charges as the vice principal would have done anything I wanted but he didn't cause much damage so he got what was coming to him having to clean up. My freshman year in high school was the last year such things happened to me thankfully as to be honest my self confidence and resolve were shattered I believed everything they said to me. The saying sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt me is not true at all those words hurt worse than a million lashes. My spirit was broken and all the confidence I had in myself and the gifts and talents I was given from my birth I doubted and hid. They had taught me that I was nothing and I believed them. Even friends I met in high school who loved me and literally protected me couldn't entirely undo the damage that had been done. I still was scared to let anyone see who I was inside although they could coax out glimpses. It's been until now that I am trying to be the real authentic me and I am 31 years old this has been going on since I was five. I see now that I am intelligent, sweet, honest, kind, determined, loyal, loving and other wonderful things despite being a little on the big side. I can be who I am and I am trying to learn to forgive them and myself so I can move forward from all this pain and move on in my journey. It is too late for me but bullying need not continue it causes so much pain and some kids even kill themselves or others as a result that need not happen. Stand up for what is right stand up for someone being hurt and don't pass judgment. You can't know what someone is going through until you have walked in their shoes. You can be kind and empathetic and reach out a hand and don't judge someone who has had more than they can stand and they just explode. I have been there myself and I know how that feels you literally reach a point where you feel like fine no one will help me then I will just take care of this myself. Bullies can not take on everyone they are cowards by nature so just take a stand and have a no tolerance policy. Stand up for the kid who is picked last and put down. Teach that love and tolerance are not weakness and that while it's okay to not personally like anyone that it is not okay to put someone else down. The teachers and other adults who came to my aide have my undying gratitude and respect for standing up for what is right and for teaching others the same. I think now that I have let this out I think I can start to heal now although it will take some time because precious parts of me were stolen and taken away but I will get there. I will pray for the ability to forgive and move forward and part of it is letting it out. I was keeping it all inside me like a dirty secret and it has been hard to be so honest in such a public forum but it does feel good too therapeutic in a way. It was necessary so I could move forward in my life and recapture what was taken so I can fulfill my life's work with the special gifts and abilities that I was given.