Just something I have to say and get off my chest

What I wish to say about my struggle with infertility

I have struggled with infertility for many many years now and I have recently tried to really not let bitterness and frustration eat at me I can't do anything about it right now so I try really really hard not to think about it. I try really really hard to count my blessings and focus on other things but sometimes I do still feel the pain of it and I need to express that somehow I need to express how I feel. Some of this is addressing things that have come up in particular some misunderstandings that people have had and held and some are just frustrations in general so I can get them out and move forward again so I don't let things build up and eat at me.

1. This is not a curse or a punishment that God is giving me for something for some reason these things just happen and me having more faith will not fix it.
2. Do not assume just because I don't have children that I don't want them for some this may be the case but in mine this has been the greatest ache my heart has known. By the same token I know sometimes its uncomfortable for those with children to know what to do or what to say and I know you think you are helping but don't say you know how I feel if you don't. Please don't give me comfort by saying in the eternities etc. I know you are trying to help but if you want to help be there and just listen and help me feel like I'm still a whole woman. By the same token don't shun me or make me feel like less of a woman for not having a child just be my friend and care about who I am as a person not determine my worth based on ability to have children.
3. By the same token please don't assume that I don't understand your world at all granted I haven't had the demands of motherhood placed on me but that shouldn't deter a friendship I can understand that your little ones demand a lot of your time and resources and I can support that and respect that. I also get peeved when people assume that just because I don't have children of my own that I do not understand children. I do not have any living in my home but I am observant and I do know the basics of growth stages etc. I don't know everything about kids but I'm not stupid either I can be a capable and loving care giver for your child.
4. Don't assume that just because I reach out and love your children that I am so desperate that I would take them from you or steal them. I love children but if they are yours then they are yours I would never think about hurting another woman by taking away her child. I care about kids and love them and I care enough about them to try and be the best babysitter or care giver that I can be. I try to take an interest and care about where they are in their growth and their lives. I try and talk to them and listen to them and interact one on one. I would do all in my power to protect them but this shouldn't make me a monster or a threat if anything you would think this would help someone feel better about leaving a child in my care for awhile.
5. My infertility is not contagious or infectious sometimes I feel like I'm shunned like I have leprosy or something. I don't know if that's because people feel uncomfortable or if they don't know what to say please don't worry my ability to carry on a conversation has not been affected by my inability to have kids.

Oh and one other point just because I have not had any kids of my own doesn't mean that I am not happy when someone I know and love has one or is about to add for their family know that I am happy for you from the bottom of my heart.

I hope I haven't offended anyone that I have shared this with if I have I'm sorry but this is truly how I feel and I had to get it out somehow and this is the safest way that I know. I basically do better with it than I have in years past mainly because I have let myself go through the grieving process and have let myself come to terms with this and accept that I can't change it right now. Without getting into too many graphic details I have a very severe case of Poly cystic Ovarian Syndrome basically what that means is that my hormone levels are very screwed up and male hormones are more dominant than female which brings me to another point this does not make me a male or anything similar I am all female I just have screwed up hormones. This also means that large cysts are blocking up my ovaries and that is preventing me from being able to have kids that's basically a very simple explanation but it is a bit more complicated than that. I have thought of surgery or other options so please don't suggest those but in my case I got checked out in the ER one time when a cyst burst and in my case many of them are large and that would not be a healthy or safe option for me. I am hoping that with better health and less weight that I will be able to help myself get healthier and help this condition but if a pregnancy occurs it will be a miracle literally. I pray for that but we are pursuing other options. Infertility treatments are expensive I don't have that kind of money to vest into something that may or may not work I also don't have the emotional stamina for such a roller coaster. Where it stands right now basically is that yes I would absolutely love to have children any way that God sees fit to send them to me but I try to count my blessings and focus on other good things in the meanwhile. I am not asking for anyone's pity I am just trying to help someone understand where I'm at and where I'm coming from. Oh and if in the past I was pre occupied with this and with children etc it was not meant to alarm anyone I just was still trying to work through all the emotions that come when you love children so much and have a strong maternal instinct but you haven't been able to act on that. I have sorted it all out now and while the desire is still there I won't do anything desperate I promise.