Why I try and look on the bright side of life

I've had to really dig deep into myself lately to find inner strength again so I could deal with my responsibilities and stress instead of running. I was doubting if I could but then I remembered something about myself that few really know unless they were physically there with me during that dark time. A time when my very survival depended on fighting and being strong. When I entered my teenage years I was dealing with so many intense emotions you do anyway but add on top of it a lot of grief from losing my father etc and I was on a collision course so many intense feelings began to overwhelm me even writing couldn't alleviate my pain. I began to feel as if things would be better if I was no longer here I began to feel as if that was the only answer to my pain and suffering. I know now that was not true but back then I was hurting so bad that I didn't know what else to do. I did fight though and I fought back strong that's why I'm here but it involved something I never would have wanted to do and that was some desperate moves. I really had to make it known how I was feeling and with some counseling and support from loved ones and friends I made it and I'm still here. That battle though took a lot out of me for a long long time I remember even the beginning of my 10th grade year reaching out to friends at a Halloween party when suddenly intense pain and emotions came over me and I began shaking and I curled into a ball it was all I could do not to cry. Some were accusing me of being a drama queen but a couple of real friends including the hosts of the party reached out in a profound way to let me know I had it in me to be strong and that I was going to be okay. One reached out and put her arms around me and held on tight another reached for my hand and told me to hang on and fight the inner voices telling me that I was weak and that I would be better off dead. I gradually fought back but then I realized I would have to be extremely careful I would have to be careful to be more positive and more happy it would be the only way to ensure that these strong emotions didn't overcome me again and that these evil thoughts telling me to die wouldn't come back. It took a few more years of intense work but I try really really hard to be more positive than negative and to have more good days than bad I have to I learned a long time ago that my very survival depended on it. Now I'm so so glad I am here so much I would have missed if I wasn't and so many people would have been hurt  its not the answer but I can understand how someone can reach that point. I've been there and its not a wonderful place to be perhaps that's why I try to really reach out a loving caring hand to someone in need and who's struggling so they know they aren't alone and that it can get better. I'm living proof but that's why I am so positive all the time so those thoughts don't attack me again and overcome me again. I did learn though that I am strong and that I'm not alone and that the Lord has a purpose for me to be here and that even though I've been asked to go through a lot that although it took me forever to understand this it hasn't been for nothing I've grown and learned so much from all of this. I just didn't understand that in my teenage years so I'm so glad I had loving people around me to help me fight so I could live long enough to understand.