Change in plans

When I envisioned motherhood I will be honest I dreamed of babies of my own and when that didn't happen I pictured us going to the hospital to pick up a newborn foster child to love and nurture and help grow up. That is not what Heavenly Father has in mind though I have decided to take this matter up with him and pray about it and figure out what he wants for us. Then I was an obedient daughter quieting my mind and heart so I could listen and the answer I got was the opposite of what I had envisioned and thought about. I was thinking of a baby boy or at least a toddler boy someone to pass on the name of Impett well what came to my heart and mind as being right is a girl that is anywhere from 3 to 8 in age and that idea freaked me out at first but then I realized a scary thought if I had been able to get pregnant right away I would have almost had a 10 year old or pretty darn close to it that's a pretty eerie thought. I realized also that babies and toddlers get adopted and find permanent homes but who wants an older child.I believe that every child should have the right to a permanent home and to have a family who loves them. Then I had to be brutally honest with myself babies scare me I am uncomfortable holding and handling them I try my best with my nieces and nephews but when I get freaked I can hand them back. Also now Lexus is three is when she is getting to be the most fun and enjoyable I love watching her become a little person that is so amazing to me. I love hanging out with her and having fun with her watching her discover the world. I also know that Damian would handle an older child better as well he also doesn't do great in the baby department. I am amazed though that I have a Heavenly Father who knows us and loves us so much that he would give me such inspiration and guide me in a direction where we would be happy and be able to give happiness and love to a little girl who needs a home and family. It's similar to the puppy syndrome everyone dotes on a cute puppy but it takes real love and devotion to love the dog when it grows up. We still have to get our ducks in a row but we are being led in that direction and if we are obedient and follow soon it will happen and we can complete our family because in my heart I know something is missing still.