All is well

All is well for our family and for myself as this year winds down to an end. Damian is working at Goodwill and doing well. He likes what he does he likes his co workers he is happy that he is busy and active during the day and this is a good omen as we go into 2011. I'm settling in right now with a new role in my life and that's as a backup supporting role. I always have had to feel like I'm in control even when I'm not and that has gotten us in trouble in our marriage as my husband hasn't been able to do what he needs to do and he hasn't felt like the level of trust is there ouch so we are fixing it. I am learning to step back and let him step forward and in return good things are happening. He's getting stronger in his role as a husband and I'm learning that I can count on and rely on him. I will be going back to work eventually but right now it's working out as it is. I'm spending my time at home catching up on some cleaning and communicating with some new friends in my group. This group isn't huge and only a few woman who are a part of it communicate with us but that's okay the few that do are just as important. I feel a connection to these women who are all over one is in Texas and two more are in England. It's been amazing to reach out and give them support and encouragement and in turn heal myself. We are all on different levels in our healing process and grieving process and that's okay. It's been as I have been talking to them that I have been learning that I'm okay I've accepted it. I know this because it's not painful anymore to hear news of a pregnancy or adoption, I don't cringe or want to cry when I see baby pictures and I actually enjoy holding and interacting with a baby and or a child. I also do feel blessed actually in my own journey that many of those around me have been so kind and supportive and sensitive to my feelings. I really appreciate that as some aren't so fortunate. I'm at peace with what I can't change and that's hard for me to say as I have been learning this year to let go and let God and to change what I can and not worry about changing what I can't. What I can't change is my medical issues but what I can change is my outlook and attitude. I can choose to be there for the children in my life and be a mentor, friend and role model and to give my friends and family members with children a breather once in awhile. I can't express in words how much brighter my world seems now that I have been starting to change my attitude. I can't tell you how much I have grown and it seems like my heart keeps expanding ever larger. It feels so wonderful to feel that happening and I know in my gut that this is in preparation for me to become a foster mom. I know that I will need to love those kids unconditionally knowing that not every one will become a permanent placement. I need to be able to love them while they are mine and then be able to let them go if the need arises. I am being prepared for the task at hand so when the time comes I will be ready. I feel wonderful and at peace with myself as 2010 wraps up and for Damian and I right now in our lives all is well.