At Peace

For the last 9 or so years I have struggled with Mother's Day I have hated it and been bitter and angry over my circumstances because I felt powerless to change them. What I have realized since then is that while I don't have the ability to change my circumstances I can and have chosen my reaction and attitude. I realized I'm not physically a mother right now but I have to have faith in the Lord and his plan for my life and his timing. He has blessed me with beautiful nieces and nephew. Lexus and Kaylee are the sunshine in my life because my sister has chosen to share them with me the most. I have helped care for them and cuddle them and play with them. Lexus especially has a sunny personality and her hugs, kisses and smile have reached the dark places in my heart. I have seen her big eyes look at me full of trust and love and have seen her so happy because I am willing to talk with her and play with her. Kaylee has learned how to smile and laugh how could I be sad listening to a baby's laughter. I have learned from my beautiful nieces that while I don't have my own children I can still be a mentor and a loving role model in their lives. I am at peace this year I am prepared to go to church tomorrow and celebrate motherhood and womanhood. This is a HUGE step in my healing as in year's passed I would spend the day in seclusion feeling sorry for myself. I am learning to wait and be patient as the Lord helps us prepare for foster children. I have learned to trust in his timing and his plans and not my own. I never could have imagined though how much I could love being an auntie and how much I could love my nieces and nephew. They are all so different and have different things to teach me. They have been a huge part of my growth and preparation to be a mother to my own children as I needed to learn what they had to teach me especially to be patient and to just enjoy the small things in life.