I really hate doing these types of posts I really do but life isn't rosy all the time and I am not fake I am real and I try to be honest about what is really happening with me and my life. First off I am so angry at my inlaws that I could just lose it they have really screwed up and hurt their son. For those of you that don't know Damian has so much computer knowledge and talent it's unreal and even more so once you know that he has NEVER been to college to learn any of it. He could do so much with it given the right certificates and training and just when I get him pysched into believing in himself and his abilities and talents his parents yank it away from him. I'm sorry what parent does that to their child is it just me or should a parent want you to succeed and want you to do well? I guess his parents missed that memo because all they do is tear their son down I have seen it first hand and it is frustrating me because he loves them so much and wants to be a good son and honor them that he just takes it and gives up and stops trying. I don't want to be a gold digger this is NOT what this is about it is about watching my husband give up on himself and it is so frustrating. I love him so much and I believe in him and his talents he can do so much he is so smart and bright and intelligent but he just sits and hides out of fear and I don't know what to do. All I know is he has been spinning his wheels but I can't get through to him at all and it's all because of them he has this irrational fear of them even though he is going to be 34 this May. I told him what can they do to you it's not like they can ground him or send him to his room I mean seriously this is ridiculous we have so many dreams and plans and things we want to do together but we can't because his parents his mother especially find a way still to get right in the middle of all of it. I don't know what to do I'm at my wit's end. I love him so much and I try so hard to reach out to him in love because I know he is struggling and because of his mother he feels like a big game of tug o' war is being waged for the record it's his mother doing the pulling this time not me but I wonder if my love for him is enough. I pray for him constantly and I try so hard to give him all the love I have I just hope daily it's enough and that that love can get through. I am also getting frustrated that someone I love dearly lately has been handed everything it seems and I have been left empty handed. I know I'm not a perfect person but I do try hard and I do try hard to do the right thing. That being said I don't know why I am being left behind and forsaken when she is getting everything she ever wanted plus some while my fondest dreams remain just that dreams? I know life isn't fair so don't even give me that cliche I just keep on keeping on and hope that someday I will get some of my fondest dreams. Sometimes I just feel invisible I know I am loved and I am in no way going to harm myself so no worries I love myself too much for that but I still feel invisible sometimes. I feel invisible because among my family and friends I am still not a mother and despite comfort given that that doesn't matter it does trust me I am no longer invited to any social activies or gatherings I guess I am not good enough. I try and keep in contact with my loved ones and people I thought were my friends but then I hear about all the fun they have going out with other couples who are all parents and I spend my evening at home again and it's hard not to take it personally it's hard not to feel like I'm good enough when time and time again I give all I have and it doesn't seem to be enough. I have learned to deal with the pain of being childless but let me tell you I want to just scream especially at people I thought were my friends I may not have a child but I"m not a leper you know it's not like it's contagious and I'm still me I'm still the same person deep inside. I don't know what else to do I can't stop loving and reaching out to everyone even if I am hurt from time to time by them it's not in my nature but I also am to the point where I just want to say screw it I'm done I can't give anymore I can't handle anymore one way communication and one way phone calls I can't handle hearing about their nights out on the town with other couples with kids and I was left in the dust again like I don't even matter but yet they still insist that we are good friends and that they love me. I'll be fine I won't go all postal on anyone but I need to let this out I need to give this a vent because I've had it I am so sick and tired of giving all I have and giving it freely and always coming up short. I'm just tired and I am really close to just saying screw it and just weeding out everything and really taking a second look at everything and everyone in my life and determining if all this is worth it. I don't ask for much but I do need some respect if we are going to be friends I can't deal with fake in my eyes being fake is the same as lying and I can't stand liars if you want to be in my life and be my friend fine wonderful act like it but if you don't don't pretend that you do.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
*hugs* sometimes the only thing that we can control is what WE do. Who you are amanda is all about your actions....and you've proven yourself to be a fantastic friend and wife over and over. It's not always gratifying and people WILL be fake and mean, but it's the only thing that you have control over, and ultimatley, the only thing that matters.
Post a Comment