I have had a light bulb moment this morning and while it doesn't take care of all my problems I'm sure my insights will help. I FINALLY realized that my whole life I have been running around like an Amanda with her head cut off trying to please everyone and do everything for everyone. I have done this to be loved and liked because for some reason deep down I didn't feel like I was good enough on my own. I have done this for a long time not seeing that I was slowly becoming a narotic mess because no one can please everyone all the time it's impossible yet I have tried because I have wanted to be loved and although God gave me some great gifts and qualities somehow I didn't feel like they were enough. Now though I am ready to listen to my heart and am ready to try and learn to slow down and learn that not everyone is going to love me and that's okay that there is nothing I can do to change that fact. I'm also learning that I am starting to even chase my loved ones away and my friends away that they are sick and tired of trying to reassure me and watch me do this to myself. I am learning that God is a loving God who pulled them back now when it seems I need them the most to show me that I have been using them all as a crutch and that right now I need to do this for myself and that I am capable and strong and can overcome and that I need to stop aiming for perfection and that I need to stop driving myself crazy over an impossible task that I need to trust in the love of good people and in the love of my family and friends and that I need to trust in the love of my Savior and in myself. I thought I had this lesson learned but I guess not I'm learning it now though and I'm learning it the way I learn a lot of things the hard way. I'm coming out of this hopefully a stronger and better person who is willing to trust in themselves and in their loving Heavenly Father and in the love of their family and friends. This has been a tough battle and I'm pretty battle scarred so I am just about ready to say with an open heart God I surrender help me become whole and happy again I can't do this on my own.
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I need to be better at recognizing what strengths have been given to me personally too, that's not an easy thing to do. You really have a lot of wisdom in you Amanda, and I am inspired by your thoughts.
By the way, I got your emails, sorry it's taken me so long to write back, life's been a bit of a blur this past week. I'm getting close to having this baby, and after he gets here and life regains some normalcy, I definitely would love to get together. So let's stay in touch on that. :)
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